Dear Anita,

This is what the ROAR was about all along, needing that power we all need, power to choose. This is what your mother didn’t allow you to have, this is what you always needed.

yes and yes!!! i want to stand up and clap!!! This is exactly it!!!

without this power, this autonomy, this self directedness – this self TRUST – we are nothing.

we as beings no matter what our path – always want to find our way to self empowerment, somehow some way.  it comes from our animal instinct.  this does not mean we want to power over others – it simply means we want to be a living, breathing, being that can use our OWN mind.  it feels unnatural and distressing to do anything but this. It is survival of the fittest after all.  And being fit isn’t being a “winner” in generic terms.  It is being able to be one’s self.  To have autonomy.

To have power.

Dear Anita,

Yes it feels so real and true. I would like you to elaborate on the following part of it:

And when her mental rep says: you didn’t practice your power here.. and there! Don’t let that voice fool you, don’t let it have the same-old-same-old power over you. Relax and then calmly reject it-

Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a relaxing Sunday. I truly am. A day of staying in, lounging and also watching television. A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy. Unnatural, uncommon, but needed.

Actually, the television show I am watching is based on woman in person, and dysfunctional woman. Because the show has so many episodes, it goes into the story of many of the females. Some of which are truly bunch for inventive, and others which is based on their family surroundings, or a means to survive. Guard list, it shows character development and how so many people truly stay who they are, and some change. It also, based on what I watch today, really points out the concept of living in fear. Actually, I just watched shows one of the inmates been released from prison but she does not feel any sort of believe, as the living in fear won’t change for her.

It’s only a TV show but it has very relevant dialogue and concepts to real life.

It made me think about how in other circumstances, individuals with dysfunctional mothers may resort to crimes to make them others happy. Anything to make the mother happy. This is not a comparison of dysfunction just a conversation. I thought about how both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them. Their baseline dysfunctionality, misery and ache for power never changed.

I was watching the TV show I thought about, myself, as well as you, or any other child in the same scenario, as such sweet innocent little girls.

Innocent sweet girls who are blindsided by their mother, whatever their mothers say goes. They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mother. They do not realize this as they believe they are just going through life, not knowing that what they think is life is just being their mother’s puppet or punching bag.

Go onto the things we spoke about on Friday. Needing power. Like you said this resonated so deeply within me, so simple and true. I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power, following in the patterns of footsteps of my mother, even if she is far gone trying to appease her somehow subconsciously by continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role.  But having power is doing a thing like that, having power is doing anything that you want. It is making your own pattern whatever it may be, some of which may overlap with that of another being such as my mother, but none of which is dictated by anyone else but me.

Been spending a lazy day and watching television is power, as this is nothing I would have done on her by mothers watch. Imagine! So many comments.

And the funny thing is, it occurred to me again. I mentioned to you that I spoke with my mother-in-law on the phone this week, my husband and I told her that we will not be joining them to go to Maryland this weekend for a family function. I spoke to you about the guild that this resonated with me, especially because of that one comment, none of which was instigating on her and.

While I was relaxing today I must’ve missed her phone call. She had sent me a bunch of pictures from the event, that was an Indian holiday that we celebrate together every year.  I had a missed call and a voicemail from her. I listen to the voicemail and it was saying how they had a great time and good weather and that they all missed us.

Even this triggered me slightly. Of course not because I thought that she was calling to rub this in my face, or guilt trip me. She was simply calling to touch base like she usually does, like many parents do. But still, I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away. As to say, I’m sitting in peace in my pajamas watching TV and no one is bothering me, stop bothering me. Oh and by the way Anita, the event in Maryland was at his aunts house, the mother of that cousin incident from London. The aunt is fine – but I was in no mood to see that cousin and mix and mingle.  Of course it was the whole family many cousins and a large group- but regardless.

Of course knowing her intent is NOT to bother. But regardless.

Brother shows me how to recruit I can become, but most of all, how I have had no power over my own life.  Power over my mind, what to think, how to prioritize, what to believe. In Fact that it’s no different than mental prison.

You mentioned to me that all of the rollers are in fact wanting this power. I felt a lightbulb.

Not instantly a huge shining lightbulb- but a new light.

I live in fear. I live non assertively. I live without appropriate boundaries and interpersonal communication. I live in-authentically.

I live in fear.

I had chapter one – which brought me to no contact. Chapter 2 is realizing even what healing means – and the beginning of what an undertaking it is.

Chapter 3 now – is reality. Not the life I’ve been living which is hardly my own manifestation. The beginning of feeling something real. To be me – to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear.

i am not sure if above reflected, I posted a while back but just writing here in case.

I wanted to add that I thought about the following:

I used to bombard my mind with everything.  This and that.  this person and that thing.  Creating no space.  No space left.

And then i wondered how to heal, where to get the space?

Now I see the power I have to not over bombard.  I can choose what goes in and out of my mind to a point.  I must maintain some space for me, just me.

Hello,

Exactly – in fact my husband and I discussed how we don’t have to rush to the events.

Luckily this wedding won’t be too much involvement for either of us, unlike a family event.

Best of all, I will have a chance to practice so much of what we have spoken about.  And feel comfortable in silence if needed, or a disengaged approach.  Friendly yet not too involved, perfect balance.

Dear Anita,

This wedding we are going to is not Indian – which I am glad for.  It will help disengage more, as it is interesting to see and learn about other cultures and not be immersed in your own at times.

Yes, it makes it very difficult.  There is a social stigma, and in fact I do believe many people stay together often due to this “shame” that will be brought upon their family.  This was much more common in my mothers generation, when people had arranged marriages without much input from the individuals getting married – it was a union of families, and whatever the parents thought best.

In my generation I know a few Indian women in their 30s divorced, some remarried happily.  There is much more open-ness to it, for good reason.  Of course it depends on each person’s individual family members, i.e, someone like my mother – would make it known it was the devastation of her life that her daughter brought on such a tragedy to her family – and likewise – oh how sad for my amazing perfect daughter to come to this fate etc etc melodramatic as could be.