Dear Anita,

Good evening.  I apologize, I did not see your last post until just now.  I think the email notification for the post I had confused with the prior, not knowing there was a new one.

Well, I am glad I read it just now – as it gives me some food for thought.  I have a few thoughts in mind as to where this guilt/pressure comes from.  It is not related to S personally, it is more of a concept about me.  I will let myself think about this over night.

For now the thoughts that come to mind are the following:

1) I know in my rational mind that at this stage in my life I am not going to “lose” a valuable friend like S.  Ironically any friends I have “lost” in the last year have been entirely by my own choice.  However, perhaps the concept of “always trying so you don’t lose something” comes into play here.  Ironic again, that this did not translate into romantic relationships and now marriage.  Parrot did not teach: with marriage comes hard work, and you have to always put in effort and bring your best self forward to maintain it.  Nope, quite the contrary.  More about – marriage is some sort of destination – and some people get lucky and others don’t.  The end.  What BS!!! I digress.

So perhaps deep down inside there is a feeling of, well she is the last great friend I do want to keep, so perhaps I “should do more.”  Once again entirely self induced given that she is extremely understanding and never ever the type to pressure.

2) I am not just used to being social.  I enjoy it.  This is not a bad thing. SCC, yes can be toxic.  But enjoying the concept of others, more the merrier attitude, etc – in and of itself is not bad.  Yet, we come to this point in the healing path for ME.  And that is just it.  It isn’t about what is good or bad, it is what is appropriate for me, right now, in this state, in this part of the path, in this state of my marriage, at this moment.  Now.  And that doesn’t necessarily coincide with the “innate way I have been living.”

Yes, I am the type to enjoy being friendly – to open my home easily, to not feel that things have to be formal.  Friendly social CC, and SCC – what are the differences?

You mentioned last week the concept of being extroverted, but what is the MOTIVE behind being extroverted?

I thought about it a lot.  I notice that in my most truest innate self – I am an extrovert.  This does not mean I do not like alone time – it is that it is just me.  But super extrovert, SCC – now that is something else.  And that line can get blurry.  It also goes back to the concept of thinking before speaking, thinking before acting, and thinking about what does CC truly need right now?

CC never thought about what she needs right now.  It wasn’t much of an issue growing up.  I had good friends, many outlets of activities, and a good adolescent life that way.  College the same – being social wasn’t something I sought out – it was the nature of my life, dance team, roommates, neighbors, college get togethers and parties and so forth.  None of it during this time seemingly SCC.  The SCC role I definitely picked up more in medical school (not to say it wasn’t born MUCH earlier – but the distress related to it, and the active SEEKING was prominent at this time when I was no longer a teenager and seeking out social activity was a choice and not just baseline as a kid).  SCC developed in medical school, and SCC was 10000% my way of coping with any distress.  Now, once again, of course these behaviours started way early on – growing up in a household where healthy coping mechanisms were not entertained, and hysteria, anger, and seeking others were normalized.

So in my 20s not only did I really become this SCC, I thrived off of it.  Having fun was the MO.  Sitting with my feelings was not.  And if and when I did “try” to do so – it never seemed to “work” and so I would quickly go back to SCC once again.  Of course that is because there was a life time of trauma building that I had no idea of back then.

So anyway back to present day question.  Well I am used to being social.  I enjoy it.  SCC not so much.  Perhaps It is that out of the people I do have in my life, that I now choose actively.  And some of which I have without choice (such as that cousin – but will choose at events to not engage with deeply) – I have such fond memories with S, and a truly heartfelt great time.

Perhaps sometimes I just miss good old lighthearted fun.  Girl talk, laughing.  It has been a while in some ways – and yes I have this with my sister, but of course it is different with a college friend.  Not closer, just different.  Life has been so heavy, the type of work I do, the events through July and August, many “ugly” people shining their head.  It is simply nice to have lighthearted girl time with someone who doesn’t have a lot of drama, and is an overall positive energy person.

But guilt and pressure…well.  I think it is also because S was really there a lot for me throughout my life, and during the wedding time.  Perhaps I feel subconscious guilt to be there for her more now, in a way to give back or be equal.  Once again not because she asked.  In fact we have talked openly and she has said: “take all the time you need, it’s fine if you can’t make it to X or Y I totally understand, I am happy if you are there and involved, but do what is best for you always”

And that is a very very good friend.  I am lucky for that.  But my mother made such a big deal about how good people are hard to come by, and how so many people out there are bad or “users” that perhaps knowing that I have this good friend, I feel the need to give back more.  Maybe that is apart of it. But in rational mind and reality, I am  a wonderful friend right back to her, and it has nothing to do with how much we physically see each other.  I know this.

Dear Anita,

I wanted to write a second post this morning to tell you the following.  I want to journal it as these moments are fleeting often, but so important:

I woke up feeling, cool, calm, and centered.  I enjoyed my morning routine, although rushed, not frenzied.  I had a good quick interaction with my husband before he was on his way to work, and put some things away quickly before I headed out the door.

I woke up feeling good.  It is that simple.  Not worried, not frenzied, and not focused on anyone else.

It was nice, and  I look forward to more moments like this, and perhaps days, and even more!

Dear Anita,

I read the first part of your post, the comment about the deceiving weather, and how it is the changing of seasons.

It made me think of myself.  Sometimes your own self can be deceiving, growing and changing – of the season or tide – but your mind has not caught up or adjusted.  This can lead to confusion or even a deception feeling.  Perhaps it also relates to the sometimes yearning of CC to be SCC again, only to think again and say – nope.

yes, nothing more is needed to challenge myself, or our talks today – you are absolutely correct.

This DOES feel like the real thing.  why?

because it feels centered, it feels like myself, it feels like I am living – and able to take challenges thrown at me, the normalcies of life, tough commutes, tough patients, ups and downs – but remain grounded, heart and feet strong.

I am glad for this.