Dear Anita,

I can’t say  I remember this.  I remember this sense of being in school and yearning for her, and then when she would arrive – at recess or lunch, feeling instantly better.  I don’t remember the feeling (as i can not sense it right now), but I know the memory. Maybe only because my mother told it to me.

So no, I do not remember this softness.  I can not access this softness.

Dear Anita,

I will say the following (and pardon me if it is not exactly what you meant above, but as you know this is a new/difficult topic).

I have some empathy for the role of her as a mother.  In some ways.

I do not believe my mother was fit to be a mother, or perhaps even a wife.  Someone like her in the society we are in now, dating, marriage based on choice, etc – may have been divorced multiple times – or maybe not.  Regardless, I do not think that this excuses at all what she did.  No way.  I am also not saying like the courts “pleading insanity” and thus, absolving her of all responsibility.  Absolutely not.

But I know this.  The role of a mother is a difficult one.  I know this, and I am not even a mother yet – so I can only imagine.  It is a role that many have, but not all succeed at.  As you mention time and again, there are many abusive parents out there in the world, projecting their issues and insecurities on their children in a myriad of ways.  Many unseen to the naked eye – and perhaps “unseen” to the children.  These children grow up to be adults and might find conflict in the workplace, or in their marriage – and many of those roots go back to childhood.  We are a reflection of our parents, for better or worse.  Some growing into healthy neuropathways, some not so much.

My mother is entirely guilty.  But I do recall feeling close to her, authentically close to her.  I remember a time in which I didn’t resent her so much. Feeling excited to come home, to no one else, but my mother.  My father was at work – and friends weren’t a large focus at this time.  I recall this come to think of it, feeling simple and happy.  The role of my mother – yes, I do recall love and softness for it. For no other reason than she was my mother – that is simply it.  Just like a doe, a deer.  My mother could have been incredible, or horrible it wouldn’t have mattered.

Just like my dog’s affection towards myself and husband, as though we are his real parents.  He does not know any better.  To him, we are the world – the way he can survive in the world, by getting food, first and foremost, and comfort when he is scared.

Dear Anita,

I remember my mother’s soft skin and soft arms.  In fact my grandmother had the same, soft pudgy arms.  I remember enjoying their warmth, being comforted by them.  I remember a nice big toothy smile my mother had, that went all the way up into her eyes and made them crinkle.

I remember going home and my parent’s weren’t home, my grandmother was (my father’s mother this time).  I remember being at school that day and getting a call from the neighbors, that my mother went to the hospital to deliver my sister.  I was so confused and sad and scared.  All I wanted was to go home to my mother; I wanted her to be there – that is all that I remember from that day.

Dear Anita,

You need to allow yourself the softness for that soft-furry-item while trusting that you will never again expose yourself to the danger of your mother-the-person.

Interesting statement.  To me it reads as: stay soft, but strong.

This is what I have been struggling with: over hardened, over “strong”, over ROARing —> having lost the softness

But there is a balance to be achieved, allowing myself the softness, while trusting my instincts.  Perhaps it feels that if I am soft in the real world,  I will again get taken advantage of my other “mothers” (vindictive life aspects that do not have my best interest in mind).  But this is not true. It isn’t happening.  It hasn’t happened.  The only true enemy is my mother.

Imagine that.  Not to be worried about anyone else!!! Just the one enemy, who I am no longer in contact with.  Not have my guns up ready to fight anyone else.  The one true enemy is gone and in the past.  What a peaceful existence that would be for me.  How satisfying and freeing, what a sigh of relief.

I would feel different.  I sure would.  A weight, a large weight, would be taken off.

I could say I “conquered” that enemy – so what else to be so worried about! The worst is behind me.  Time to be free and look at the world with new glasses CC, not the glasses your mother forced you to wear.

Dear Anita,

I will do the same, and reflect on my last line in the post – that you just quoted.

Have a good rest of your day – and I shall too.  A smile again for you, just because – and also -for our hard work. 🙂

Dear Anita,

The only true enemy is my mother.

Imagine that.  Not to be worried about anyone else!!! Just the one enemy, who I am no longer in contact with.  Not have my guns up ready to fight anyone else.  The one true enemy is gone and in the past.  What a peaceful existence that would be for me.  How satisfying and freeing, what a sigh of relief.

I could say I “conquered” that enemy – so what else to be so worried about! The worst is behind me.  Time to be free

I wrote this yesterday, and the words flowed from my fingers – seemingly out of nowhere! I did not realize how profound they were until I read them again.  They are true.  The issue is: just because something is true, does not mean we feel it or sense it.  If only life could be that easy!

I thought about it a lot yesterday, this phrase going through my mind:

“What if the worst was behind me.  What if I knew my greatest fear was behind me?”

There is no way of guaranteeing this, of course. But, within means – the biggest enemy of all IS behind me.  AND fear is our greatest enemy.  Two-fold.

My mother is, and always has been my greatest enemy.  Yet, I had softness for her, as she was my mother.  I would have had softness for any mother.  That softness still exists within me – but was bashed out by the enemy mother pushing me to dark depths.

But that enemy is gone – she is in the past.  The worst of it is gone.

Like a player in a videogame defeating that last monster.  Bam! Boom! then a sigh of relief —- quiet…

Quiet…

———–

You know, Anita. I was thinking yesterday how I have brought a lot of topics up to you recently, including S.  This is seemingly petty, but I got to a new root yesterday. Of why I am triggered by these things, and feeling the pressure to continue in my old way.

It is fear.  I operate out of fear every single day, paralyzed.

I did not have that sigh of relief after “conquering” the enemy – as the enemy is still within me – FEAR.

Yes, I am NC with my mother, but I have not stopped living in fear.

What is fear?

Fear to me is operating the same way mother taught me to.  Be worried, go out there, do more, go seek, don’t stop.  This is not just SCC, it is fear.

Fear of being someone “new.” Perhaps fear of my own true voice.  This innate voice that is quite different than the mother voice whichSo is likely uncomfortable.  Foreign.

I think my true voice is coming out slowly, but it is the fear that is stopping me.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

First, I do full trust you to be a safe place for me to express my true voice, even in this public forum.  Absolutely.

Second, I am glad you brought up C-PTSD.  I read a lot about this regularly, and this makes perfect sense to me.  Also, the un-magnifying of the role and traits of others.  I also want to point out the aspect of the role of others.  I often magnify the role of others.  I have mentioned how my mother either talked poorly of others only of their flaws, but on the same token would over magnify anything “good” and quickly elevate them on a pedestal. “oh look what a good friend she was to you, you should be there for her.” Never simply: “oh that is a nice person you have in your life.” It was one or the other.  Magnification in either extreme – neither which are healthy.  This led to over-magnifying the role of others in my life, often the wrong people! Not inner circle.

Dear Anita,

Yes, magnifying both extremes.

So S – she messages me often and calls.  Unlike anyone of my other friends.  She out of all my friends has objective more free time.  Her job does not stress her out, she has a lot of free time during it, and she is not married with kids – so her evenings are free to herself.  All of my other friends are busy with their jobs, spouses, and/or kids.

This is objective, and a big part of the reason S has always been a loyal friend to many – extending her time to others and being accommodating.

The thing is.  I DON’T have this free time, physically or mentally.  So I often feel burdened if she reaches out or calls say at 6 pm and I am just getting home after a long strenuous day, and haven’t spoken to my husband all day.  It is up to me of course.  But I do end up feeling guilty if I don’t pick up, etc.  Or I write back, ” sorry can’t talk right now, catch up later” sort of thing.

On Monday she texted me in the morning: “hey how was your weekend” to which I did not respond as I was busy with our in depth conversation in the morning, and then off to work.  I had a missed call from her at 6 pm.  I knew it was just to chat.

I responded a little differently this time: “Hey, it is going to be long hours for me over the next 2 weeks until my trip, sorry!”

She replied: “no worries!”

Point of the story is the following:

I have been there in the past, in which I was the one with more free time, and my older busier friend was the one telling me she was busy.  my friend would respond to me and say things like “would love to chat but just walking in the door, ttyl.” I understood completely.  She was newly married,  I had some free time – she didn’t.  When we both had free time we would catch up.  So simple.

So why does it cause me pressure/guilt/anxiety? It is a simple concept that we all deal with at different phases.

Because of fear.  I knew deep down inside it is the mother voice that still pushes me.

“oh look at her, she’s so different now, no time for anything.” “oh look at CC she doesn’t make time for her good friends who always made time for her.”

Fear that I am being different.  That my priorities are changing.

And YES they are! This is the real voice, the real growth!

And if I knew that my greatest fears were behind me – I wouldn’t worry at all! I would accept my self as is, and my new voice, and what it needs.  Responding to her Monday and telling her pretty much I am too busy over the next 2 week without feeling guilty was a start.  As it is true – right now between work, and the work I do with you – I have zero mental space for small talk/friend talk. I also have to explain to you that S does not understand emotional healing and what I went through.  She doesn’t have the capacity to.  Some of my friends absolutely do.  Very different.  Therefore even less of a feeling to want to chat about god knows what – as in, not a good use of time for me.  Not a win-win.  Not something CC can extend from her self right now. At all.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.