Dear Cali Chica:

Good Wednesday morning. I had better sleep last night than for as long as I remember! I think that I need to drink more water and that I suffer regularly from some dehydration (note to self), and dehydration is one source of distress I can prevent. Still some pain, it will take some time without re-injury of course, for the bruising to heal.

I am glad you liked my quick response to what I thought your sister was saying in her text to you, I can picture your dog looking at you funny, I can actually see him (from the photo) and you laughing out loud, a delightful image.

Her text: “Hey hope you are well. In light of the recent earthquakes in Puerto Rico, I wanted to let you know that San Juan is safe and we are still going on a trip this weekend. I’ll text you the address of my hotel, and where the dog is staying just in case. Also- cockroach incident in my apartment since Sunday”.

In addition to communicating to you that you are a bad sister, selfish, uncaring, she also gave you this message: I-may-die-and-you-will-regret-your-behavior (the “just in case” comment,  giving you the info of where her dog will be, in case she doesn’t return from Puerto Rico).

You received her message while at brunch, a unique occasion to have brunch with husband on a weekday (once again raining on your parade!), and you thought that she sent the message as “an excuse to.. shame me for not caring about something as worldly as an earthquake!!!”- she wanted to shame you for not caring about her, for not being more involved in her life.. reminds me how in your previous thread, she shared that you don’t let people just live their lives, that you get involved in her life, micromanaging her.. so in this text she is shaming you for.. not micromanaging her, for letting her live her life.

So she wants that SCC role, in this context, the Savior Cali Chica to rush to her apartment and battle those roaches, or get her another accommodation until the roach problem is resolved… and she wants you to look up the destination of her vacation to make sure it is safe, research it, tell her what she needs to make it a safe vacation.. she wants you to micromanage her. Complains when you did, complains when you don’t.

And she probably thinks that she is a good sister because she does not burden you with her dog during her vacation, unlike what you did when you were sick and in California.

“The old me would have dropped everything and said what can I do to help you”- the old you is Savior CC, and she, being the same as she was (no new her), would have eventually complained to you if you did drop everything. At least if you were to mention it sometime in the future, she would say: I didn’t ask you to drop everything, that’s on you!

She is pressuring you to drop everything for her and then will tell you that she didn’t ask you to drop everything for her. Looking at her message, there is no asking there, true. There is no: CC, please drop everything and take care of me! Instead there is pressure as in, : I am going to make her feel bad, and if she feels bad, then maybe she will drop everything for me.

If you confronted her on the above, she would say: but I didn’t ask you anything, I just told you the truth: I do have a roach problem. You are blaming me for all your problems as you always do!

You sent her back a perfect text and her response: “No it’s been kinda scary and horrible- the cockroaches lol”- what she is saying is something like this: I was scared and I was suffering, and I still am, and it is horrible that I suffer from roaches and from a bad sister who doesn’t care and doesn’t do anything for me!

But if you confronted her on this, she would say: but it really was horrible, where did I say anything about you being a horrible sister, lol?

You wrote: “She’s trying to instigate worry in me!!!… to find a way to have me concerned!”- worry ,concern, and guilt. She is trying to feed and fuel and bring to life your role as a Savior, the same role that caused you to rush to her many times before, rushed to Arizona, rushed when she moved back to her parents, rushed to move her to Manhattan.. neglecting your own life, sacrificing your life and your health.. and all in vain. Because after all that rushing, all the resources spent on helping her, you are still a bad sister, because she has roaches in her apartment and you didn’t take care of that! And because she is going on a vacation and you failed to research the safety of her travel destination!

So to be a good sister, in her mind, you have to be on your toes at all times, to have her on your mind as your number one priority: wake up every day and think: where is my sister, what is she doing, what is she needing from me this morning (and ask the same at noon, in the afternoon and at night. And the next morning).

And if you rebel against this role, she will say: I didn’t ask you to do anything for me. You imagined I did, that’s on you. Unhappy, CC? Well, don’t blame me. You always blame me for your problems.

“Perhaps she misses having that security, someone looking over her. That makes sense.. a child or person that has recently gone no contact is going to crave that parental figure”- but she craved Savior CC before she went NC, like when she was in AZ, she wanted you and your mother there, both. And back in January last year, the unfortunate medical emergency, she was still in contact.

“why would you be passive aggressive.. not respecting someone”, not respecting you, that is- because it worked before, because she is in the habit of operating this way. And she will not consider that she may be wrong, that her thinking is distorted or that her behavior is dysfunctional, This is the hallmark of severe personality disorders: zero consideration of these things, therefore no prognosis of changing her thinking or behavior for the better.

“I’m not saying that she is sitting there throwing bricks at us”- but she threw that bottle on your foot that day, and taking your health away from you, has been doing that for years. She managed to take part of your first brunch with husband, first on a weekday in a long, long time. That happened only yesterday!

Passive-aggressive is aggressive. Look at the term, the aggressive in it is the noun, the passive in it is a qualifier, an adjective. What kind of aggressive, active or passive? If she did throw rocks at you and cursed you, that would have been active. What she does is passive aggression. Animals don’t do passive aggression.

I imagine a first human who came up with passive-aggression, I can see that lightbulb in that thousands of years ago human’s brain: wait, wait, wait, this is brilliant! I can get what I want without risking an actual fight, I can get what I want with no injuries. I don’t have to throw rocks at her, and risk her throwing rocks back at me. Instead, I can make her feel bad without her knowing that this is my intent, next, she gets confused and does what I want… brilliant!

When a passive aggressive person does what she does, her victim feels anger because we partly know that we are being used, but what happens next is that we are not sure, so we feel guilty for feeling anger at the … “weak” victimizer. So extra guilt is added to previous guilt. And for the passive-aggressive, our guilt is their gold.

“the way that she acts passive aggressive is still not an excuse”, an excuse for not throwing rocks at you- if she threw rocks at you, you would have been clear about what she is trying to do,  and she wouldn’t get her way (plus she would risk a criminal record and perhaps incarceration), but if she does the passive aggressive thing, you remain confused and she gets her way.

Back to the time before passive aggressive was invented: she throws rocks at you, you get bloodied, you throw rocks back at her, she gets bloodied. Fast forward, passive aggressive was invented, she makes you feel bad, you do what she wants, no rocks thrown, no blood. (stress related diseases are in progress though, invisibly).

And now regarding your dog and Philadelphia: she wanted to have your dog spend time with your dog while the two still live in nyc, so you left your dog at her place while you and husband visited Philadelphia. “it started off with her super excited about spending time with the dogs”, sending you many photos and videos of the two dogs together. Then you text her that you may spend an additional night in Philadelphia, she says fine but soon enough she expresses that “she is not feeling well, and she is feeling sick”. Next you decide to not spend that additional night away and pick up your dog from her apt late at night, she then “acts like she is lighthearted and fun as could be and states oh don’t worry… proceeds to send funny pictures of the dogs like nothing ever happened. As though- yay happy dog lover having a blast over here”.

Well, she was excited and joyful at first, then she got angry, very angry. She knows that she feels angry too often and too intensely, she knows it, she knows that there is something wrong with her, in the sense that her anger is too intense and too frequent. She probably has violent images in her brain when she is angry, wishing injury and death to those she is angry with. She feels bad about it, so she hides her anger best she can with lol-s and many, many light hearted pictures and videos.

In the Philadelphia example, it is safe to assume she was light hearted when she offered that you have your dog spend time with hers, and during the planned time of the two dogs being together, then when you suggested a second night, she got angry. When you were about to pick up your dog and free her to sleep later the next morning, she felt a relief and was back to being light hearted and/ or was pretending light heartedness because she felt bad about being so very angry with you earlier.

When she acts fun and light hearted, sometimes she really feels this way, at other times she is covering for her anger and hostility.

“It was then that I knew that my sister has a serious personality disorder. It was then that I  knew that she could never be a part of my inner circle… My sister is much more damaged- but more so damaging to me than I ever thought”-

– I agree. She and your mother, both exhibit severe personality disorders. This means that the two of them have zero willingness to evaluate their thinking and behavior so to detect any distorted thinking and dysfunctional behaviors. Therefore the chances that they will make a positive change in their behavior is zero. Either one can learn a new passive aggressive strategy, or your sister may learn a new way to hide her intense and frequent anger, but neither one will change into an honest and trustworthy person. That is very, very unlikely to ever happen.

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

More weather related news here- power line was knocked down by a tree last night, so no electricity and no internet, plus the generator’s batter is down, so I am in town typing this. Luckily the road was not blocked and the power line is being worked on, so maybe it will be fixed today, but in winter pasts, it took days.

Regarding your recent post, regarding your sister and your Super/ Savior Cali Chica (SCC) Role:

I agree that, very likely, there will be  more issues that she will bring up to you, more crises. This is why I suggested that you and husband make a plan regarding how to respond to possible future scenarios, or possible future crises that she will present to the two of you.

I am surprised and pleased that she has been doing as well as she has been doing, keeping her job and her apartment and having some social life, and I hope this continues. But I don’t have much confidence that it will. I think that it is very likely that big issues will come up shortly, in the next few months or a year or so, I am guessing.

Your sister is bad (old) news in your life. She took a whole lot out of you and your husband during her serious crises. Now, the roaches- that’ s a minor crisis, nothing much. At this time, while she is employed, living in her apartment, having friends, this is the best time in her life, as an adult, and it is your break from her. But serious crises are likely to follow and your break will be over.

You have to put a complete stop to your SCC role with her, you just have to. ALL IN VAIN. All that you did for her was in vain and all that you will do for her will be in vain.

You will get absolutely no real and sincere appreciation or credit for your efforts and sacrifice. None whatsoever. I hope you are not hoping for such, hoping and being motivated to continue that role with her so to finally get her appreciation and credit, to finally be acknowledged for being Super.

You may be invested in finally getting her to admit that you are indeed super, way more capable than her. But it will not happen, there will be no real and lasting appreciation or credit, not even close to what you may still be hoping for.

All in vain. Let go of SCC, she is not and never will be  super enough to fix a person with a severe personality disorder, not your mother, not your sister.

I suggest again that you make a plan with different scenarios, different crises that she may bring to you next, and decide how you will respond to those when they happen.

(And if you do move to SoCal.. do not allow her to follow you there).

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

Thank you. Glad to read that you are so clear about your sister. Anytime you need me to remind you of your clarity today, let me know and I will.

Regarding East or West, my gut says West.

First, I have learned lately, the slip on the ice the other day (bruising is significant and it still hurts, still taking Tylenol), knowing falls and car accidents being common where there is snow and ice, knowing the difficulties of being stuck indoors because of wintry weather, I fully appreciate now weather that does not include snow, ice, and strong winds. SoCal weather  in this regard is perfect.

Second, better that you live far, far away from your sister. She lives on the East Coast, so the West Coast is as far as you can be away from her. As long as you.. don’t allow her to follow you!

Third, your husband has a chance to work in a more relaxed setting than in a busy hospital.

Fourth, his surgical specialty- I can’t imagine there being a lack of patients there. Although falls on ice are rare there (unless one goes to elevated vacation/ skiing spots in SoCal), people over-exercise and hurt themselves a whole lot, in SoCal, as far as I know.

Fifth, your husband’s parents will be fine if the two of you move, from what you shared.

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

I’d go for OC then. I remember the ego problem with this man, but you and your husband are intelligent and educated people. If you figured all the logistics and legality of the the whole deal, then you are protected from his ego.

A much lower overhead is key, so I’d go with OC. No ice, no snow, and Disneyland is the happiest place on earth (when the lines are not too long!)

anita