Dear Paradoxy,

The more I talk to you, the more aware I become, the more broken I get

I am very sorry, Paradoxy. I was rather harsh, specially in my last post, because I was trying to break through the thick veil, where you still wanted to find excuses for her and ascribe her behavior to stupidity and naivete, rather than manipulation. I was trying to tell you: don’t you see?? she is fooling you! Get away!

But I am very sorry for what happened to you. Yes, she was manipulating you, and I actually found a “proof” that she was lying about the half-naked photo too. I’ll present it to you now, just in case she ever comes back claiming she was never lying and that it was all a “misunderstanding.”

So on March 20, in your first post, you wrote that she admitted (back when it happened, in Nov 2022) that the man in the photo is her ex, whom she briefly got back together with, since she still had feelings for him:

I confronted her when I realized she deleted it and she told me it was the ex that she still had feelings for, and it happened on the day after that we broke up from the decision that its better to not date at all. Obviously I was hurt and I broke up with her in that moment of pain but then I decided to take her back on the technicality that we were still broken up when this happened, so I cannot accuse her of cheating. She got forgiveness on a technicality.

So basically she admitted to having slept with him, but you forgave her since on that particular day you were broken up, right?

But then a few days ago, on April 9, you said that she later gave you a different explanation of the photo:

She said that on the day she took the picture and video with her ex, she was actually in her towel with her ex’s sister who was removing her braids but when she got busy, the ex’s sister told the ex to remove the braids for her and so she just allowed him to remove her braids for her. Keep in mind that she was naked, but she had the towel wrapped around her body so her naked body is not visible to her ex.

So now, according to this version, she claimed that she didn’t sleep with her ex, but that he was only helping her with her braids.

So when the half-naked photo was originally taken, sometime in November 2022, she admitted she slept with the guy in the photo. Only you didn’t know at the time that this guy was also living with her, as her housemate. But then a year later, when you found out that the guy in the photo is actually her housemate ex, she told you a different story: that she didn’t sleep with him, but that he was only helping with her braids.

In other words, she was lying…

You probably forgot what she said a year ago, and so when she came up with this new explanation, in which she presented herself as innocent, you believed her. And she got away with a lie.

I can imagine there were more examples like that. You actually said it yourself that you don’t remember exactly what happened more than a year ago, which is only normal:

the issue is I don’t know the exact dates of her “cheating” and she said she doesn’t remember and since it has been more than a year, even my memory is not that accurate.

I found another example, related to the prostitution case, where you in recent days remembered the events more favorably for her than what you stated in your first posts, some 3 weeks ago. Perhaps as you were arguing about these events in recent days and weeks, she was coming up with new versions of the story, different than what she told you even 3 months ago.

So it seems to me that she was twisting the story all the time – to make it more favorable for herself – and you couldn’t follow it any more. And you wanted to believe her, and so you did.

Anyway, I hope that you see now that she wasn’t innocent and oblivious, but unfortunately wanted to deceive you.

Now everything feels fake. What if every moment we had was manipulated? What if all the happy moments I had were fake? What if I was being used the entire time? The realization is breaking me. I want to cry.

I hear you, Paradoxy.  She was fake, I mean she wasn’t honest with you. She might have liked you, but she had her own demons and her own crooked ethics, which she learned from her aunt and probably the rest of her family too. That’s not an excuse at all – so please don’t see it as an excuse and a reason to reconcile. Because she did hurt you immensely.

But it is a lesson, a learning experience, as you say. And you had this important lesson early in your life, at only 19. If you learn from it and heal what needs to be healed, you can have a much healthier relationship sometime down the line.

You can still find a loving and caring woman to be your wife. But in order to do that, you’ll need to do two things: 1) heal the emotional wounds from your childhood, and 2) update your view about women – get rid of the false beliefs.

But what now? I have no one. Not my parents. Not my friends. I am just all alone. Like I was, once before. My suffering is all for me to bear.

Dear Paradoxy, I hear you, people on this forum hear you. You are not alone. And also, it would be important to have someone with whom to release and process your emotions. Please talk to a counselor, if you’ve got one at college.

I want to cry. I want to release my pain but I have exams and other things to worry about. In a week, I will be traveling to my parents’ place again and I cannot show them my grief cause they will ask questions.

Your urge to cry is understandable. You do need to cry it all out. But you’re right, it wouldn’t be good to show it in front of your parents, because you’d probably only get judgment and scolding from them. They would hurt you even more. So no, don’t show your pain to them. But show it to someone you can trust. Perhaps to the close friend of yours, whom you confided in about your fights with B?

But the best would be to express it to a counselor. Because they are professionals, they know how to “hold you” and contain you as you express your pain.

You don’t have to be alone in this, not this time. You were alone and helpless as a child, but now you can help yourself, by seeking people who can understand and who can help you. A counselor, primarily. And it’s good that you reached out here too, baring your soul, even though it wasn’t easy.

I feel like God gave me this experience to teach me to be careful what I should wish for.

Well, I believe you had this experience to learn and heal, as I said above. Please don’t use it to make false conclusions, neither about yourself nor about women in general. You can come out of this a new man, a healed man, who is ready for a healthy and a truly nurturing relationship. So use this opportunity for good: for growth and for healing.

I am here, if you need to talk. I have more things to say, but I’ll stop for now. I hope to hear more from you, as you start a new phase.

I know it’s hard, it’s excruciating to have your dreams crushed like that. But you know, what you had with her was a house built on sand. Now you need to build it on a solid rock… and as I said, that requires healing…

Dear Paradoxy,

Yes Tee, I understand, there is nothing wrong about your harshness. I was just afraid to face reality.

I am glad you didn’t find it offensive or inconsiderate. But yes, unfortunately the truth can sometimes be harsh.

Regarding the half-naked photo, I think your assumption that she could have slept with him is actually right:

I confronted her and she said it was one of her exes, the one who she still had feelings for. She did not imply anything about sleeping with the man. I am the one saying that she COULD HAVE slept with him, and she could just be lying to me by not giving the details of what happened on that day, cause she was naked with only a towel wrapped around her. Everyone has hormones and if she was sexually stimulated enough by her ex, she COULD HAVE slept with him.

She said he still had feelings for him, and you later realized that he had feelings for her too (because he was jealous of you). So what do you think happened when they reconciled and she told him she still loves him? I am pretty sure they didn’t remain platonic, and then, after they’d presumably abstained from sex, they made a photo with her naked, wrapped only in a towel.

I mean, it’s pretty clear what happened. She actually told you that indirectly, but she also said it doesn’t count, because you were broken up in those few days. You said that’s her logic: even if you break up and reconcile every second week, sleeping with someone else in between wouldn’t be cheating, according to her. So it wasn’t “technically” cheating. But I am pretty sure it happened.

But then, when she talked about it a year later, suddenly they didn’t sleep together…

I don’t remember recalling events more favorable to her. I am considering all the factors that are playing in the situation.

Okay, here it is. On April 8, you asked:

Is it still considered cheating if she only slept with the man AFTER we broke up? Even though preparations were made WITHOUT her knowledge?

However, in your very first post, on March 20, you said that the preparations were made with her knowledge. You said she knew where the money was coming from, but didn’t want to tell you:

SHE KNEW BEFORE IT HAPPENED THAT THE MONEY WAS COMING FROM A MAN AND SHE DID NOT TELL ME WHEN SHE FOUND OUT.

Also:

The aunt told her about the married man when B and I started dating. So she was already in a healthy relationship when she learnt about the married man. And when the suggestion was made, she already told me that her aunt wanted her to do it and we had already discussed how wrong that was and it was obvious that I did not want her to do it and she had agreed.

And:

It so happened that her aunt had been giving her money for several months, which she had told me before but I told the fact that her aunt is giving her so much money is weird because no one gives money like that without expecting something in return.

So she clearly knew about her aunt’s plan – she even told you about it. And when the money started coming, she knew where it is coming from. But she didn’t tell you, although you were suspicious about it.

So that’s what you said on March 20, in your very first post. But on April 8, you said that the preparations were made without her knowledge. I mean, she knew about her aunt’s plan, she was receiving money beforehand….  there wasn’t much unknown to her.

That’s why I thought that either she changed the story, or you started remembering it differently, to be more to her favor, because that was a part of self-deception. You wanted to believe her so badly, to make her seem innocent, and so perhaps you started remembering things differently?

We do have a counselor here but that is the last thing I want right now. The only place where I get to rant is here. Besides, I have priorities. I find comfort in making music now as it is what I wanted to do more than med, and I find that good enough for now.

Good to know you’re finding comfort in making music! Perhaps some day, soon enough, you’ll decide to see a counselor too.

I can’t even confide in the close friend of mine because everyone is human, I can’t just rant to him like that. He most likely wouldn’t want to support me in that manner. That is why I said I have no friends. He is literally all I got and I am pretty sure he is tired of my drama cause I tell him most of the time whenever B and I break up only to get back together.

I understand. He might not know what to say or how to support you properly. But you can tell him that you broke up with B (this time for good) and that you’re pretty devastated. But I guess you’ve already told him that?

I am just disappointed that everyone was right about her.

Yeah, sometimes it makes sense to pay attention, if everybody is telling you the same. But it’s hard, it often takes a big disappointment and disillusionment, before we can see the truth.

I believed she would be the exception to the stereotype everyone (not my parents) kept describing.

Yes, that’s hard – to believe you’ve managed to find a good woman, who doesn’t fit the stereotype, only to fall into one.

Actually, I think the stereotype your parents (and everybody else) taught you consists of two parts: one part of the stereotype is that women do stupid things (women “overthink” and “don’t listen”, as you expressed). And the other part of the stereotype is that most modern women are gold-diggers and/or immoral.

I think you didn’t completely adopt the second stereotype – you didn’t completely believe that all women are gold-diggers. You thought there are exceptions (and you thought B is one such exception). But you completely believed the first stereotype: that women tend to do stupid things, or behave stupidly. And that’s what made you believe that B’s behavior is stupidity, rather than manipulation. So believing in Stereotype No 1 blinded you to B’s true nature.

That’s why I said that a part of your healing should be to get rid of those stereotypes, i.e. false beliefs about women.

If you have more things to say, might as well finish it off in this thread because you never know when we might talk again.

Yes, I wanted to write some more about how suppressing emotions leads to believing that women do stupid things, i.e. to Stereotype No 1. I’ll try to get to it soon.

Thank you for all the advice and support you have given me.

You are most welcome, Paradoxy!

Sorry, bad formatting. Here it is again:

Dear Paradoxy,

here are my thoughts on suppressing emotions…

We’ve already talked about your father and how he believes that emotions are bad and should be suppressed. Since women aren’t able to disregard their emotions so easily, and are more prone to be lead by emotions, I think he believes it makes them less rational, less smart, and therefore, more stupid. He believes that “succumbing” to emotions causes them trouble.

As we have established, your father doesn’t want to get in touch with his emotions, and so he accepts a worldview where emotions are bad and inferior, and where he, with his “pure logic”, is superior. Consequently, women too (as more prone to be governed by emotions) are inferior to men, who are (or should be) governed by “pure logic”.

Unfortunately, you have experienced on your own skin how logic can be twisted. Because B was twisting logic: she was claiming that sleeping around isn’t cheating, as long as on the day of cheating she is officially not in a relationship with you. Even if she was with you a week before and a week after having “gone astray”.

This logic was unfair to you, it was hurtful, but you couldn’t find a way to dispute it (“I don’t know how to argue with the technicality”), because indeed, she wasn’t with you on the days she slept with another man.

You couldn’t dispute this “logic”, which is focused on “technicalities”, without taking into account the emotions: your emotions, to be more precise, and your pain. You were being treated unfairly, you were emotionally abused, but the logic said: “she hasn’t cheated”. But your heart knew the truth: that she hurt you. And that you were in pain, because of her.

Your father used logic too, without considering your emotions. He could shut you down, using pure logic:

my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic.

And it seems B too could shut you down too, with her twisted logic. She could disable you and you didn’t know how to fight against it.

Because your father taught you not to fight against it – he taught you that emotions are not important. So you couldn’t just say “she is hurting me, I am leaving.” Because that’s not an “argument” for your father. Emotions are simply not an argument.

So this is my take on how suppressing emotions can lead to a twisted, heartless logic. It’s not even logic, but a kind of reasoning that excludes the heart and emotions. It’s a false reasoning… technical reasoning, perhaps, which disregards the heart of the problem (pun intended).

Dear Paradoxy,

I’d like to comment some more on her letter, because it is quite telling…

So here are some things she said about you:

you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.

I never felt safe enough to tell you because I felt like I needed to be the one who was there for you. I didn’t feel protected by you

you had broken up with me while I was going through the inhumane things I was experiencing [btw, did she tell you before that fight for Christmas that her aunt is pushing her to prostitute herself (if those are the “inhumane things” that she is referring to)?],

and then the things your parents said about me… your parents labeled me as a gold digger, a girl trying to secure her future by dating you; they said I was taking advantage of you; I would cheat on you, etc., all because I am black and from the west.

So around Christmas 2022, before she prostituted herself, she saw you as someone:

• with whom she felt crucified for not meeting his expectations,
• with whom she never felt safe enough,
• who couldn’t protect her,
• whose parents are racists and will never accept her, and
• who is under the influence of his parents and will not marry someone they don’t approve of (“I told her why my parents would not approve of her and the consequence of us dating would be that I would have to choose my parents over her when it is time for marriage if my parents reject her“).

And yet, merely a week after the prostitution, she came back to you, wanting to reconcile because: “it felt like you were the only good thing in my life at the time.”

So she described you as a judgmental, unsupportive, bigoted guy, who is most probably not going to marry her. And yet, she wanted to return to you, because “you are the only good thing in her life”.

And then, as the time went by, she says you were “destroying” her more and more, and that she became unrecognizable:

Before I met you, I was happy and glowing. While I was dating you, I became unrecognizable. Sad. Always trying to please you, wear what you wanted me to wear, say what you wanted me to say, and do what was pleasing in your eyes.

But still, she always wanted to go back to you. After each break up she would tell you she misses you… even though, according to her, you were abusing her.

I was thinking how is that possible. One explanation could be that she developed a trauma bond with you (trauma bond is when the victim is trying to get love from her abuser, and therefore cannot leave the abuser). However, that could have been an explanation for her behavior – if she truly became a different person and “unrecognizable” due to being in the relationship with you. For example, if she became isolated from her friends, depressed, sitting at home all the time, wearing only the clothes that you approve of, not posting anything on social media, etc.

However, based on everything you said, it seems to me that she didn’t become a different person: she actually kept behaving the way she liked, not the way you told her to behave. You did try to control her and change her, which was a mistake (because controlling someone like that and trying to force them to be something they are not is abusive. But that’s a different topic).

So you wanted to try to fit her into your vision of a perfect wife, but she never “gave in”. She might have apologized, but those were fake apologies, because she continued to do stuff that you didn’t want her to do. So in that sense, I believe she never “succumbed” to your pressure, and never became a different person.

That’s why I think that she wasn’t really your victim, as she is portraying herself, but in fact stayed with you for a reason. Not because she was trauma bonded and wanted your validation, but for a very pragmatic reason: because you were helping her financially.

In the beginning I thought she might really need your validation (and that’s what she herself claimed). But after the financial aspect of your relationship became clear, I realized that she most probably doesn’t need validation, but money.

Anyway, that’s my current understanding. I believe she wasn’t your victim, but chose to stay with you for her own purposes. It doesn’t mean you treated her well, even though you believed you were a loving boyfriend. We can talk more about your own mistakes.

But in any case, I believe she wasn’t a naive, innocent girl whom you harmed, but rather, she seems like a calculating woman, who stayed with you for her own interests.

Dear Paradoxy,

She is not in need of money as of right now, so does that mean she still wanted my validation?

I don’t think so, since she has already moved onto someone else:

I just found out that she already started flirting with a guy who she knew in high school and he expressed that he has some feelings for her already. And she told him that she is healing from a relationship that ended FEW months ago.

And she is already twisting the truth to the new guy, telling him you broke up a few months ago, which is not true, because you broke up beginning of April, right? (and you stayed broken up only because you refused to reconcile, right?)

So she is already feeding the new guy a re-touched version of the story, according to which she is “healing”, presenting herself as the victim of her ex’s (your) abuse.

And besides, she made it clear in this letter that she doesn’t want anything from you, she wished you a “good life”. So she knows she can’t get anything from you anymore. However, she doesn’t want to come out of this fight as a loser, as a defeated one. She wants to kick you one last time (They were not all slaps, they were different types of hits, like an elbow to the face when she opens the door or something, and the next time she kicks me in the shin while walking).

I see this letter as her “parting gift”, in which she repeats once again all of her “grievances” against you, and blames you for her own actions. A letter where she presents herself as the victim, and you as her abuser. And she managed to achieve her goal, because you are again doubting yourself, thinking that what if it’s all your fault:

But reading her messages make me feel like maybe she is right, maybe I am the problem overall.

I don’t want to be the cause of her pain

She has been falsely accusing you all this time, making you believe that you are the cause of her pain. That you are harming her, when in fact, she was harming you. The pain she caused you with her lies and deceptions (and false accusations) is much bigger than what you caused her by trumpeting your parents’ false beliefs about women.

So if you are looking at the bigger picture – which you should, rather than focusing on details and technicalities – she is not your victim, but you are her victim. And she is trying to turn that around: turn the truth upside down, and present herself as the victim.

I don’t want to be the cause of her pain but I don’t see any other option but to leave.

I hope that you’re not entertaining the thought of reconciling again? I thought that chapter is closed, and frankly, I wouldn’t like to keep convincing you that you should stay away from her, and why.

So I do hope you can start moving on, i.e. start healing and learning from your mistakes.