Hi. I just stumbled across this post and felt like I needed to write about own my experience as well since I can relate to almost every post here. Maybe someone can help me.

I have always been attracted to boys growing up. All my crushes were boys, I have always fantasized about dating one. I never doubted my attraction to boys. When I think of my future, I always see myself with a husband and kids. I like hugging them, being close to them, I get „butterflies“ wjen I think about my recent romantic encounter with a guy I liked and even felt heartbroken when I left him (summer romance). Whenever I fall asleep I imagine scearios with boys I have a crush on and thinking of doing sexual tjings with them turns me on.

Whenever I see a beautiful woman my first thought is that i wanna look LIKE them not have sex with them or that I wanna be friends with her.

Now this is where it gets complicated pls bear with me. When I was around 13 years old or so I was walking with my cousin with our arm interwined like friends. As a joke she said: Oh we look like a couple haha! And since then I had the thought in my brain: OMG what if you like WOMEN and not MEN? From then on I have periods of time where I overthink my sexuality. I even questioned if i was in LOVE with my cousin which is so stupid because I‘m obviously not into my family. When I don‘t have these intrusive thoughts  I don‘t even question it all! As I said I never had a crush on a woman and thinking about who I liked there are only men and male characters. But then they come back over the course of the past years and today I am 21 and since mid of last year it has becomen way worse. I don‘t feel like myself anymore. I am scared to go outside because I don‘t wanna be close to a female in case I feel attracted to her. I‘ve cut friendships with some of my female friends over the past 3 years bc I randomöy question if im in love with them. I google coming out stories, do tests if im gay, read in these forums like this. Just recently I started watching porn some times to see whether i‘m attracted to the men and women. Watching porn is not enjoyable to me, I only do it to give myself relief that I am in fact attracted to men. But this doesn‘t help at all. 24/7 I question my sexuality in my brain and it‘s making me miserable. The first thing I think about waking up is : I am lesbian. Because I think so much about this I even dream about it and have trouble falling asleep. I‘ve read that straight people don‘t question it and this is making my anxiety even worse. I don‘t want to be lesbian at all. The thought makes me uncomfortable, I feel at ease when thinking of men but women not. As of now i feel like I‘m just in denial and when I think:“ Okay you know what I‘m gay/bi“ just to make these thoughts go away but it doesnt help at all. It just feels so so wrong. I get anxious reading about gay things, watching lesbian couples. Becase of this anxiety I get so many groinal repsponses whenevee i see any woman. It‘s making me uncomfortable to the point where I believe that Inmight just be in denial. My brain doesn‘t shut up at all and I just want to cry.

Also, I want to mention that I never kissed someone at all. I‘ve had the chance with some but as of now I‘m scared that I won‘t like it which will comfirm that I am in fact gay. This is making me feel terrible because on the one hand I know who I like but then its like my brain telling me other things to the point where I believe it. I also had the fear for a short time that I was attracted to my dad or something which is just so sick bc again this is of course not the case. My brain is just going through this right now for the past year almost and I don‘t know what to do anymore. I‘m also on dating wensites and sometimes I change it to women to see if im attracted to that but it just doesnt feel like right and makes me jncomfortable.

Idk if this is important but I was also bullied in school for a few years where guys called me ugly and stuff. It still messes up with my confidence and I feel like no guy will ever think I‘m attractive. I am pretty self concoous about my looks and I think this stems from the years of bullying. I also don’t have many friends and birthdaS have always been hard for me because i felt like im alone. I always wanted to hwve many friends. Just 2  years ago I toöd my friends that this happened to me. Also, during school I was very anxious around getting grades and were always afraid to look into my exams. I‘m a person who needs reassurance and I always feel like I‘m annoying others and overthink that. Overthinking my sexuality is however the longest I overthiugh something and im just scared that it‘s true and that Im in denial since it has been this long. I can‘t go out anymore without thinking: Am i attracted to her?

I also talked with my friend who is bi about this and she said that it is not normal to be afraid to go out bc of this fear. Idk what to do anymore and wpuld appreciate all the help. Also, sorry for the mistakes but english is not my mother tongue.

No I didn‘t see a medical doctor and unfortunately I‘m not  able to do so bc of some private reason.  These compulsions have become such a natural thing that I don‘t know how to get rid of them. I‘m scared that I will never be able to live a normal life because of these thoughts since I‘ve had them for so long now. I‘m really frustrated and don‘t feel like myself again. What would you suggest that I could do? Do you think I‘m just in denial, or…?

Hey Anna I’m having something similar to what you are explaining how did you tackle the problem if you have? I’m straight and been my whole life and don’t find guys or my friends attractive in that way. But recently I’ve been feeling unlike myself and questioning myself like you did and I don’t know what to do. Feels like what might’ve caused this was my recent relationship which I feel like damaged me some way. I study engineering and it’s mostly boys who are around and I hang out with, whom are also my friends, whom I love very much and it’s really fun, but sometimes we joke around weird stuff and these thoughts creep in and I feel uneasy. From reading the posts I have realised that watching porn and smoking weed wasn’t ideal, and I will stop and see where that will get me, also as someone mentioned I also don’t have a close relationship with my father and that could play the role in this too, he lives with us but is distant and for most of my life I had to learn/ teach everything myself. If anyone has found a solution or even advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. As the thoughts keep coming up for past few days and it gets more intense where I question myself “am I gay” for no reason and I have no clue why and how to stop it. I’m already thinking to maybe go to a psychologist to discuss as it’s better than a screen. But as I said any help would be appreciated, thank you in advance!

Hello Friends,

I hope you are all doing well.

I posted in this forum about 7 months ago to do with HOCD (with some ROCD tendencies too) and I just wished to provide an “update”, on how I am doing but more on techniques which I have used that have helped me free myself from my thoughts and not feel like a prisoner to my own mind. I hope it may help someone.

Firstly, I think that my past experiences and poor decision-making regarding love impacted my obsessive thoughts hugely (aka past trauma). I questioned all aspects of my current relationship and this quickly gave rise to the endless “obsessive thoughts” (update- my boyfriend and I are still together almost 10 months later). Until recently, I realised that these thoughts were a form of defence mechanism: by convincing myself that there was something wrong and questioning my relationship over and over, my brain was “protecting me” from any future disappointment, which I would “inevitably” go through given that all my past relationships had been sour ones, so why wouldn’t this one be? This was just not true and I guess what I’m saying is: acknowledge your past, but just because past experiences have been bad does not mean that the current one will be too, so try not to “self-sabotage”.

Secondly, what has really helped me is changing my perspective on ROCD. Reading the “AwakenintoLove” blogs has really helped me to do this, and I encourage you to also take a moment to read one or two of them too. The blog writer really encourages you to trust yourself and your decisions, find love within yourself and use the opportunity that when you feel overwhelmed with thoughts, to pause and take a moment to breathe.

Thirdly, practising gratitude has helped me. I didn’t really get how it would help at first and it took time, but it makes you appreciate everything you have, rather than focus on anything you don’t have. As Oprah says ‘Be thankful for what you have, you’ll end up having more; if you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough”. To help you do this, maybe take time each day to listen to a guided meditation (Insight Timer is a wonderful resource for this) even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

Finally, see time as your friend, not your enemy. I truly know the urge of needing to know what the future holds right this second, but get comfortable in the now and appreciate every second; this is another way to find self-love and appreciation.

By no means is my ROCD/HOCD fully behind me. Some days are better than others, of course, but day by day I feel mentally stronger and able to overcome my obsessive thoughts. When you feel like you are not in control of your own mind, it can be terrifying (for me, at least). So, thinking about some of these things can help, and has helped me. (I am not a licensed therapist or trained in any way – just someone who is finding ways to help others).

Wishing you peace and love.

Dear Mollie:

“Day by day I feel mentally stronger and able to overcome my obsessive thoughts” – 

Congratulations, well done!

anita

I am the odd one out here because I have had times of wishing I was gay but unfortunately, I don’t feel sexualising attraction to women.  I don’t like MOST men. Some are okay but all my relationships were disappointing – mostly due to my own poor decision-making and desperation for love.

I do find Keanu Reeves very attractive and LOVELY. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if anyone like him exists in real life.  If th we y did, there would be such a long queue if interested women, I wouldn’t stand a chance. Yes, he’s handsome but it’s more his personality I’m very attracted to.  I used to really like Viggo Mortensen too.   LOL, largely because of “just how he is with horses”.  I think you have to be a horseperson to understand that.

Hey,

im M21 and im going thru something similar. Its driving me insane. Basically just some months ago I was the straightest person alive. As weird as it sounds, it didnt take a lot for women to make me horny/attracted. But i dont have that anymore at all. I dont feel attracted to women anymore. It happened from one night to another. So, naturally, I got scared that I could be gay immediatly. The problem with that is that the thought of it doesnt leave me, so whenever i see a Men on social media i feel a sting in my chest, but it doesnt feel good. It feels uncomfortable. It feels like something that is only in my head. Its like when i see a Men i think about my whole problem right now and get scared. I was too straight to change sexuality over night. I was on a hard diet just 2 weeks ago and also had a lil stress. It could be low libido, but for some reason i just cant come in peace with that. It got so bad that every Men/Women i see outside i check how my brain reacts to it. This is bad, this is terrible, im scared. This is not who i am. I just hope that in some months i will laugh about this… I dont think its normal too suddenly turn gay or asexual from one night to another, hell, even from one month to another. Isnt it usually a slow process?