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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #347028
    Doseofreality
    Participant

    Afternoon all,

    Michelle has highlighted different perspectives and opinions challenge you to self reflect therefore to begin I would like to accept full responsibility for the delivery of my message and apologise to those who felt shamed and judged. Not my intention at all.

    I do not wish to share my story, my aim was to focus on invoking or inspiring a change (positive) in people’s lives without sympathy for myself. Hence why my message was delivered in a stoic manner. But on reflection, Michelle is correct. A lot of you need guidance and support. Longevity is not something I can provide, as I am terminal.

    This will be my last message, I have decided to refocus my attention on leaving an impact on people I know personally. It would be counter productive to continue… if I am not able to support those who need extra help to follow through on the essence of my message.

    There was no malice intended, I stand by my words; life is too short and we have the control to make our lives happy and fulfilled. It comes from gratitude, appreciating time and making the issues which feel insurmountable become so trivial to ourselves that they no longer impact our happiness or affect us in a negative manner (I.e. mental health issues, low worth, low belief and anxiety).

    This is done through rewiring our mind and following through with action. So we lay the track to thinking positively which will produce more better decisions and life choices.

    I leave you with this ; you can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending. May you all live the remainder of your lives with peace and contentment even when the inevitable trials and tribulations, life throws your way.

    #347036
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi DoseofReality.

    Entirely understood. For total clarity – I did not think you had any intention of malice at all. I understand you  only want to help try and shake people up enough to appreciate what they have – and to get on with taking control of their lives to make them the ones they want them to be. On all this and much more I suspect we are agreed. Whilst I actually think you could continue to help people on here with your clear perspective and awareness of how to actually improve your life, I respect your decision to focus on those people around you. Remember, you have already had a great impact on many lives, some knowingly and some unknowingly. All lives matter and make a difference to someone.

    I know you do not want sympathy but you have mine anyway. Such a diagnosis gives total clarity on what is truly important and what isn’t worth spending time worrying and fretting about. It is painful to watch others waste their lives – and can only be harder when you are acutely aware of how short life is. It isn’t the same but in the interests of showing I understand a little of what it is like, I went through a breast cancer scare 15 months ago – which I am now currently having to re go through. Knowing the end could be closer than you ever imagined is the kind of shock which does wake people up. A does of reality as you say.  I have nothing but admiration for you wanting to reach out and help others and I hope it brings you the meaning you are looking for. I for one will be here if you ever do need a place to be able to scream, cry, inspire, whatever. But otherwise, clearly, I just hope your remaining time is whatever you need it to be for you. Thank you for sparing some of it to try and help others here.

    #347040
    Sammy
    Participant

    Thank you @genie. I know it isn’t going to be smooth sailing but I have to accept the situation for what it is, if I want to move forward. I will definitely be on here if I need help as it’s been so helpful to me. Thankfully I have a great support network, my friend and her husband have been superstars.

    @doseofreality your message did initially make me feel ashamed but in a good way. It humbled me and it spoke to my conscience. I needed a shake or kick up the arse to move on with life.

    I kept going down the same road again and again being hurt by the same person. I now realise i do love him but moreso it was fear of not believing I could find it again with someone else this is because I don’t believe in myself so I desperately tried to fix the situation because I had planned my whole future with him even though he wasn’t the right person. My needs were not met. I met his because I bent over backwards trying to appease him. We weren’t on the same page and didn’t have the communication between us to get there. I wasn’t accepted in the way I accepted him and that’s ok , it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I realise now it’s a dead end and not the right relationship for me, it hurts deeply to lose something or one you love but I am wasting my life in something clearly not meant for me or good for me. Love is meant to bring you security and acceptance of who you are. This realization has become more clear from the crisis we all face and from your thoughts shared. It is time for change and I want to leave this earth content in what I had and living a more meaningful life and not wasted. First action is to not look back. So I’ve said my goodbye by leaving him a voicemail and deleted his social media, I have blocked and deleted his phone number so he doesnt contact me and I don’t reopen the same chapter. I have discarded his gifts and boxed up his remaining belongings to be couriered when the lockdown lifts. After 4 years, 4 break ups I have finally accepted it is not healthy for me or him. This was painful for me to do but the biggest step I could take.

    I miss him greatly we lived, woke up next to each other for 4 years but I refuse to sit with these thoughts and fantasise. As soon as it comes I acknowledge it’s over and it was good but not good enough for me. I remind myself of the fact it nearly drove me to suicide that thought alone is enough to cut out the reminiscing. How can something healthy lead you there?

    With guidance which I have from family, this forum (thanks to @shelbyville )and my best friend I will try to stay on the right road and rebuild and value the short time we have on this earth and surround myself with people who are better for me and love me wholly for who I am. I have given up alcohol and been sober since my last binge. I will continue this as I don’t want to become an addict to alcohol to replace the addiction I had to him. I have started a journal. Each day I jot down my thoughts, goals and what I can do to change it.

    I don’t know if you will ever read this. I gather you didn’t want sympathy so I wish you well in the remainder of your life and I hope you realise your message inspired me and I will put effort in to follow through, thank you and all the best x

    #347044
    Genie
    Participant

    @doseofreality please don’t leave because you feel your message got lost. It didn’t, as Michelle said you perspective is required. I think having you remind us when we slip up will have been so useful. You have such a clear perspective and it already has made us question the choices we are making. If you are leaving because it’s too much that’s fair and I respect you so much for reaching out so selflessly at a time when most would feel defeated. Your last message really touched me as it was personal. Life sucks and it has become more clear of how short it is with the current climate but it is really the way we handle it and what we get out of it. I know you don’t want sympathy you must get it each time you break the news. I am so sorry though and I too will try and use your tips to control my anxiety, even if you decide not to post . Michelle will keep us in good form as you two have very similar perspectives and could be soul sisters!
    I wish you the very best ending in your journey and hope you realise you have impacted lives. Thank you. Your loved ones are very lucky to have you. Love and peace to you too. If you need anything you are welcome to ask anytime xxx

    @michelle how brave are you too? I have a whole new level of respect for you. I’m sorry you are going through a cancer scare again. I admire your courage and attitude towards life and still living your best life and having such a positive attitude. Not once did I stop to think you may be battling issues so I’m sorry for not asking if I can be of any help and just harping on about my ex and Jay. Please do not hesitate either to ask if you need anything, I feel like the only way I can help is to take on your and @doseofrealitys advice more seriously as you have the wisdom given your circumstances and clearly just want us all to take control and be happy. Your advice given so far carries even more significance for me at least. I hope your results are good and I’m here for you just like you’ve been for me xxx

    #347066
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I haven’t read through all messages but glanced at most, and thank you all for your contributions.

    Hope you are all keeping well and managing as best you can. It’s a difficult time in so many different respects for so many people and the one thing that helped me greatly about 18months ago when I started this thread was that I always looked forward to responses and support from the community on here. A place where you can dump whatever you need to, to get it out of your head and gain someone else’s perspective, no judgement, just support and an ear.

    Still no results from my test, but I’ll be out of self isolation in 2.5 more days and you can’t imagine the excitement I feel to be able to move around different parts of my home again and cook again etc. It’s the little things. Currently learning Spanish to keep my mind engaged and also with a view towards having another great language to use when I go travelling again.

    Stay well and stay safe all.

    #347198
    CB
    Participant

    Hope all you ladies are doing ok I read your threads and think how brave you all are    I take a great deal comfort reading them     I’m really struggling to come to terms with my split its been 3 months and I still can’t quite believe he left me. for 27 years I’ve devoted myself to him and his family and now that’s all gone   this week we agreed financial terms on our family home   I can not believe it’s only taken him 12 weeks to moved out move on and sell the family home   that’s it were don’t no need further contsc   this week mother in law in hospital very unwell won’t be coming home we can’t visit. I reached out to ex and family I love this women like my own mum   well nothing didn’t even text back. I’m devastated and feel so alone

    #347740
    Genie
    Participant

    @shelbyville your thread is a safe place to seek solace. You created a great space. It’s good to hear you doing something productive and you are thinking of goals for future. Really proud of you chick for how you are handling your self isolation and moving forward. You deserve to more than most and were all waiting for the day to hear you have moved on and happier.

    @doseofrealitys posts have really affected me and I feel a sense of guilt for being responsible for maybe pushing someone away with my words. Also not hearing back from @doseofreality makes me feel like he/she will never know the efforts were appreciated.

     

    @CB so sorry for what you are going through but you are brave too and will get through it. Your son should be your main focus now he has lost a stable home and undergoing crisis and looks like he will lose his grandparents pour your energy into supporting each other rather than analysing what went wrong. I hope someone else can reply and offer some useful advice based on experience and wisdom.

    #348056
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey all. How’s everyone doing?

    @Genie. Cheers but I don’t really think of it as brave exactly. It’s just dealing with whatever life throws at you in the best way that you can. Like I’ve said many times ( often irritatingly 😉 ), you can’t control life and make yourself safe without shrinking your world so small that it isn’t really living. Sure, I freak out occasionally over the ‘what if’s’, especially if I spend too much time on Google. So like any anxiety or fear, you learn the triggers and you manage them differently. And then you get on with living your best life – which is what DoR’s advice was all about.  It doesn’t make my advice/perspective any better/worse, like DoR, it’s why I didn’t share the news as people do react to that, rather than the message.  All of this is about building up your own ability to tell what is worth is considering for you and what isn’t – without being governed by fear. You’re doing well and it sounds like Sammy has come a long way too.  I understand your guilt about DoR leaving but I think it’s misplaced.  If anything, it was my message they’d considered but he/she is clearly someone who makes up their own mind about to do – and they have chosen to focus on the people closest to them. At this point in their life, they have much bigger things to worry about – which was the point they were trying to make afterall. You have no way of knowing if they did/didn’t read our appreciation for them and that’s ok. What matters is that you expressed it honestly.

    @Sammy. You sound like a different person already. I’m happy to hear DoR gave you the kick required and look forwards to hearing you continue to move forwards and on to better things. Deleting all contact is a great step but I love that you will look to surround yourself with better people. A huge part of a great life is about removing things that aren’t good for us, even if we really want/enjoy them. Figuring out those choices and actioning them is awesome.

    @CB Yeah it sucks getting used to your new reality when it isn’t one one wanted or choose for yourself. It can make you feel very powerless if you let it. But this is your life and at the end of the day the only one who can improve it is you.  I’ve seen a lot of people in your situation turn very bitter and never being able to let go of the anger at your ex for moving on and taking your life away. I’ve also seen a lot of people get stuck in hope they will come back and it will all return to normal. Neither of those things work out well for you – what you need to focus on is accepting your new reality. I would strongly expect that your ex has been edging to this for the last few years at least as he has built up his own life outside yours. So it isn’t a surprise to him and it’s something he wants – which is why it seems so easy for him to move on.  You need to accept that caring for the family is no longer your defining role in life. And that’s why it’s scary – you probably have no idea who you are without that role to define you. But is was only that – a role. It isn’t you. There’s a way out of this which leads to a new you – and it is up to you whether that person has a meaningful, loving, happy life or if you get stuck pining for the old one. No – it absolutely isn’t easy and everytime something happens to remind you of the fact that life is gone, it’s going to hurt. All that got me through was clinging to the thought of that future me – and doing my best in small things everyday that helped bring her a little closer. I hope that makes some sense and helps.

    @Shelby. Yeah – amazing what can become a privilege that we used to accept for normal eh. It’s bizarrely a great way to appreciate the little things again for sure. Being able to get a bag of flour at our supermarket will feel like a huge win when it happens!  I love that you are learning Spanish – it is absolutely one of the best travel languages and I love you are already thinking about your next adventure. I admit I’m a little stir-crazy not being able to plan out any travel – our UK Gov has just effectively banned it ‘indefinitely’. If so, I’ll have to emigrate!  Hope the test result comes back ok and all your family are doing well.

    Take care all.

    #348078
    CB
    Participant

    Michelle thanks for your kind words they totally make sense to me and I do need to move forward and start my new life in my own. I think he was thinking about this for a very long time and Covid19 and his Mum being so ill has not made he rethink a thing that says it all

    Positive thinking onwards and upwards I deserve better

    #348092
    Sammy
    Participant

    @michelle I am doing better because I’ve chosen to think , feel and be better. I don’t have control over him leaving and not working to love me in the same way. But I have control on how I deal with myself, my feelings, if I allowed myself I know I would hurt and cry for many more days or even the rest of my life because when I allow myself to think like that it spirals to depth of despair like no other. I don’t want to waste life anymore that became more acutely obvious in this crisis and from DoR words. So now I allow myself to have a little cry but replace the thoughts with hard truths and goals for the future. All the advice here, my family, my best friend is to accept and move on. These are the people who love me and want the best for me, since blocking him and deleting everything I feel an accomplishment in taking control of my life back. I feel if I had left the door open i would have gone back shamelessly begging again and again by making contact to see if we could reunite somehow. But what would be the point? 4 times is too many and a 5th would end the same as the issues were always the same and this person couldn’t commit to me and meet my needs now so I think it was @Genie or @shelbyville who said it but she was right, do I want to eventually coax someone into commitment or marriage for him to leave me again because resentment he had sets back in that would be awful. I want someone who loves me and recognises it would be silly to let this woman slip away because I love him back equally wholly.

    Since coming off the alcohol I also have a lot more clarity the fact I had considered ending my life for someone I love who didn’t love me back in the same way for whatever reason and I would have left all the people who do love me devastated, that hit hard and hurt. It was a wake up call. How low had my worth sunk? I was willing to do that for someone who didn’t see me. See the value of me. Accept me flaws and all. Wow that really hurt.

    So from now on I’m going to improve myself. That begins by surrounding myself with the people in my life who appreciate me, the ones who accept me, these are the connections I need to build on.

    My friend said rejection is God’s way of protection that you are heading in the wrong direction. As a child I grew up going to church every Sunday. In this crisis I’m finding faith again and appreciation of things I took for granted . So maybe that’s why I feel stronger this time around, to fight to get the control over my demons. First time in my life as an adult I want to go to sunday service for Easter but I can’t because of the lockdown. I’ll be praying for you all. Wish you good health @michelle. I see you dont want sympathy so I hope you get lots of years for more exciting travel adventures!

    #348098
    Sammy
    Participant

    @shelbyville I just realised this thread was started in 2018 not last year. How long has it been then since you felt like this? I’m not being judgemental but rather feel gutted someone is suffering the pain I feel right now for so long yet I’m starting to turn things around…what can we do to help you?.maybe you should try dropping your therapist(that’s a lot of money and your self worth is still not great because you still keep going back) I feel like you would be better off on focusing on words of those who love you they may resonate more as sometimes they are harsh but the push needed whereas a therapist will draw things out slowly which can be the last thing needed for someone who needs to let go. You need something like a cold bucket of water over you effect to make you feel alive again and ready for new changes or challenges. So how can we help?

    #348104
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Sammy,

    Do you see already how strong you are? Not long ago you were on the floor in the pits of despair, ready to take your own life over the loss. Currently you are reaching out to strangers asking how you can help them? If that’s not an absolute major shift of willpower and growth and resilience, I don’t know what is! You’re doing really well, considering what you’ve been through.

    Yes you’re right, I started the thread in Oct 2018, but the process was hampered slightly I guess as I reunited with my ex for a third time in March 2019 and we split again in May 2019. Also while I still ruminate about that relationship, I can function now. my functioning ability was minimal in Oct 2018 and honestly, at the time I could not see any way out of it, but I’m glad I’m ib a better (albeit not completely out of it) position right now. I’ll consider what you said about the therapist, it has given me food for thought and might be an avenue worth considering.

    I’M OUT OF SELF ISOLATION THOUGH! WOHOO!!! What this means is that I can now move freely around my home….who knew such small pleasures would mean so much! But I can do laundry again, I can cook again, I can do chores to make the day pass quicker….so this makes me happy currently. Still no results from the Covid 19 test, we have fallen somewhat behind due to a global shortage of certain elements needed in the labs to determine test results. In one way, I hope I did indeed have it, because if so, I got off pretty lightly in terms of symptoms and will also have better immunity towards it in future but most importantly, despite having it, I didn’t pass it on to my vulnerable father, which would be the biggest win of all. However, reality would tell me that it’s unlikely I had it as the virus is so contagious, it would seem miraculous to have had it and not passed it on to another person in my household.

    CB, it’s an extraordinarily difficult time in your life right now and adjusting or adapting is going to take time, processing and little steps day by day. One day it won’t be as painful, keep looking forward to that day and remind yourself that one day, what you’re feeling now will have passed.

    I know the PM is in ICU now with Covid, it’s strange times we’re living in across the world. But we have humans in this world that have created the most unbelievable and extraordinary things in this world, cures, technologies, so I have faith that humans, albeit caught off guard by this, will adapt and accept and figure out a way to survive. Survival is what we do, as a species.

    Hang in there all . x

    #348138
    Sammy
    Participant

    Aww thank you @shelbyville that has given a little further boost in my self confidence. I think you have the same courage though to create such a space and help others even whilst hurting.

    Woot woot no more self isolation! Funny how little things like freedom to use your own home etc we have more gratitude for. This crisis is enlightening. Let’s us know your results.

    Do you want my honest perspective about your situation? I don’t want to blurt it all out if you don’t want to hear it. I just want to make small suggestions as I feel our situations may have been similar.. up to you so tell me if your open to hearing it.

    #348226
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey all.

    @Sammy. Thanks, appreciated. It’s wonderful to hear you doing so well now.

    @CB. Glad you understood my words and they helped even a little. Absolutely, you do deserve better. And you can have it. it seems to me you were always the stronger one in the relationship so I know you will do just fine once you get through the shock.

    @Shelby. Glad to hear you are out of your room and able to enjoy a few more things again. Hope the test results come through soon to put your mind at ease on that front too.

    @All. Sammy’s words actually struck me hard too. They made me realise I haven’t been able to help Shelby & Kkasxo much more over the last year or so. and all our new friends are in good hands helping & supporting each other, which is awesome.  Therefore I think at this point I need to take a back seat from this thread and take a bit of a page from DoR’s thoughts to focus on others who I can hopefully help more effectively. I just wanted to let you know just incase you got concerned when you don’t hear from me going forwards. I still plan to try and provide support through this forum so if you think I can help feel free to ask me if you want and I’ll get back to you.

    You are all strong women looking to improve your lives – you wouldn’t be on this forum if not. So whether it feels like it right now or not, I know you’ll continue to improve as you make your ways through and onto your own paths. Take care everyone – onwards and upwards to better things!

    #348240
    Genie
    Participant

    @michelle
    I’m so sad you feel that way. Your advice has been hard to hear at times but always with the best of intentions. It is exactly what was needed because it always pushed me into a better place sooner because I took it on board. So thank you so much my mother hen. I will be forever be grateful and make you proud! I wish you have so many more awesome travels and I will for sure tag you if I fall because I really have benefited from your experiences and value your advice. I also want to say I know you didn’t want sympathy but your attitude to life despite your own tests is inspiring. I will continue to battle my anxiety and try to make better choices.

    Our reaction to our situation has literally the power to change the situation itself. It’s when we use our wisdom to proper use it gives results this is the message so many on here have been trying to get into us and I completely agree.

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