We stopped talking 2 months ago, the split was in September but we hooked up just after Christmas which just reset the healing process but something I needed to happen as before Christmas I just wasn’t accepting it was over even though we wasn’t speaking hardly, so really I’ve felt crap for about 9 months give or take lol.

No my friend isnt going through anything like that, he is totally different to me in that respect but he’s having some problems with addiction and his mental health, he has been there for me so I want to try help as best I can but all I can do is talk whenever he wants, only he can control his actions.

I know you’ve got a heart pal, just posting here after you resolved your initial reason for joining the thread shows that and your story is a good example of everything happens for a reason and things will work themselves out one way or another in the end!

From start to finish was on/off but it did feel like a relationship at times but just never made official, we was exclusive at least, there are times I blame myself for that by not pushing for that extra commitment but I guess I didn’t want to disturb whatever it was and she has admitted herself she finds it hard to let anyone in not just me, anyway none or that is my concern anymore lol.

With my friend he is just in the habits of our friend circle, mainly just meet up to drink every weekend and some week days, I used to be the same until I decided I want a different life, they are still my friends and I will hang out with them but I’m just bored of that life now, it actually feels good to go nearly 3 weeks without a drink and normally I would be craving one but at the moment I feel I’m coping with my thoughts and managing my mood better without so I’m happy to keep going as I am!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Jay.

Morning all, we had breakup sex 3 times throughout, used to really tick me off how casual she was about it, that was one thing I noticed is that we have different views on something as sacred as sex, when I was younger I had a few one night stands and I always ended up feeling not right and some anxiety although it was exciting at the time, now I have the view of I don’t really want to participate unless there is a connection to that person.

Not sure if it’s the tablets or just the fact that time is actually healing now, maybe a combination, they do help with dulling negative thoughts and I’m on my 3rd week now, I just have a feel good factor in particular for not drinking, I identified that as something that was going to make me feel worse and hinder me and I’ve stopped with my own willpower, this is also giving my mind encouragement to do other things that I I wouldn’t previously, that will help me grow.

I actually thought the same about therapy but I still think I will benefit because I suffered from low self esteem and depression before this relationship and I just swept it under the carpet because I could manage my life but wasn’t happy, I just want to get all of my thoughts and history of how I felt and see what the analysis is of that and what I can do to move forward and be at peace with myself.

My friends are respectful of how I’m managing my life at the moment, I’m not someone who can be peer pressured into anything, If I set my mind to something I generally stick to it unless I don’t want to myself, they will always be there if I was to detach from the group for any reason, that happens generally when you get into a relationship anyway and I’ve no guilt if that’s what makes me happy.

I’m glad you liked the message in the bottle idea, for me a heartfelt message would mean a lot more than anything materialistic like trainers etc.

I’m not sure how long I will feel upbeat for but my gp called this morning to see how I was getting on with the medication and she could tell how different I sounded from the initial call and was nice to hear how happy she was about that from her tone, I’m just trying to keep all these little positive points at the top of my thoughts and keep the past ones out.

I’ve got an appointment for my haircut on Thursday evening, I’m think I’m going to have a spruce up at the weekend and update my profile pic, I haven’t done it for over a year so I’m thinking why not!

@Jay2023 you’re doing great bro. Reading the words ‘none of that is my concern anymore’ really says it all. Your mindset has really shifted gears to allow you to focus on yourself.

Once you’re better acquainted with yourself, you can pursue love, companionship as everyone needs it but all this inner work will serve you in the future, you will not let your needs be unmet for as long as you did. Yes you could have nipped it in the bud sooner given it was on/off from the very beginning. However I think you’ll really grow and become stronger as a result of this experience and not allow a repeat.

With being bored of drinking, you’re wising up mate, might be the repetitiveness of it all too. Maybe you never really did get anything from it. If you keep going out with the same people and not drink, you’ll realise soon enough if it was more the company of your friends that energises you, the booze or neither! Perhaps now you’ve realised it’s about self enrichment and embracing solitude until you can find someone/thing that really adds to your happiness rather than seeking happiness in it.

Agree with Sammy, an update on the social media accounts can boost self confidence. As long as you don’t rely on it or do it for any other intent. So enjoy the self care and haircut. Post.

Breakup sex – three times? I was half joking about it as in most cases it just hinders the healing process but sometimes it can give closure – the last hurrah! But yeah mate I think for her it’s clear it was just staying in contact for sexual access! She had no intention of anything beyond casual and keeping you on the back burner. You can do better. Each to their own, men can be promiscuous without being judged so even if she’s loose as long as she’s happy within.  It wouldn’t surprise me though if this lack of self respect was rooted in self esteem issues.

Plenty of resources available on CBT so maybe you can start implementing them now and by the time you are seen maybe the obsessive thoughts and ocd will have already improved tremendously. How are you feeling. Has Mondays mood remained consistent?

@Sammy, happy to have helped. Given what you wrote about your bf’s job, it is clear quality time will be a winner. So your combined idea sounds perfect! He sounds great so far, is level headed, giving and good for you. I’m really pleased for you mate!

I read your post yesterday and wished you never asked about your friend’s situation because it upsets me too and reminds me of things I’d like to personally forget with ‘B’. However you give to this thread and others so openly and willingly, I would like to do the same, even if the topic makes me uncomfortable.

I’d like to point out I have never stooped as low to use disgusting terms like that to describe any woman. The facts are though I was a bit of a dick and hurt ‘B’, it was immaturity on my side. @Jay2023 can offer an unbiased viewpoint.

Sometimes women can lead men on for their own power trips which is equally unfair and hurtful. The term cocktease has been coined as the female equivalent of a guy being called a player.

The case you described however,  it’s obvious the guy was being an arsehole.

If a guy is using any type of derogatory slurs such as frigid, slut, cocktease, whore towards a woman whether as banter or not, you’re right he has an inherent disrespect for women and needs a lot of soul searching.

When he didn’t get sex he acted immaturely and his knee jerk reaction at best was to self soothe his ego at worst was to say something that in his mind would convince or manipulate her to give in . Pure stupidity and dickhead behaviour.

Simply put men are primal and like most men he presumed he could be the one to conquer. Yes I’ll be honest and break bro code, it was probably a challenge because let’s be honest most people are easy these days.

Men only act butthurt if their ego is bruised by a hot woman. To be charitable to the guy, he most likely found her very sexually attractive, by her sticking to her guns even if she expressed feelings, still would have felt like a rejection in his eyes, in turn triggering underlying self esteem issues. This is no excuse but these type of men are always insecure.

I don’t know if his intentions were insincere from the beginning. If they were, then he just wanted his cake and to eat it too. Instead of being emotionally stunted and selfish he could have discussed ways with her to make it easier for both better still if he knew he didn’t have the self control and willpower to be patient he shouldn’t have got involved, your 100% right there.

I think @Jay2023 as a male will agree that not every man out there need life lessons to fix him up. There are some great guys like your new bf who are ready and mature enough for a healthy relationship. His behaviour was a reflection of his issues not a reflection of your friend. Sorry she got hurt, I hope he hasn’t damaged her confidence too much. She must be a very beautiful woman and should continue to stick to her guns.

She has a right to choose when and who she wants sex with and some men need to grow up and get this obligation nonsense out of their head. As long as she makes her intentions clear from the beginning, then even if they were flirting , making out, it’s his job to control his own urges, she owes nothing to him. Sex is not an exchange. It should be between two people with a connection who equally want it.

She hasn’t lost out. You remind her of that. When you hurt a strong girl which she is for not giving in, you are only hurting yourself. You are giving up the opportunity to spend a lifetime with someone who would treat you with respect, who would support you when you’re down. He is the one who lost someone faithful, someone true to their values.

If he has a conscience he will have or will correct it by approaching her to offer an explanation and apologise in person soon enough. If he is just an arsehole, he will not. Tell her not to lose sleep over it either way. Karma does its thing always.

On that note, I think I’ll leave it there. @Jay2023 can help you further if your have any questions. It’s actually brought up a lot of emotion for me and I feel really lucky I was able to make amends to the extent i did with ‘B’. Time to take a day off and go remind my beautiful kind woman why I love her and say some graces.

@Sammy

It’s ok, I know it wasn’t intentional. I feel much better now after spending the morning with ‘B’ and if anything it served to remind me of how grateful I am. No need to worry I can be sensitive sometimes! I hope reading an explanation from a man (which she deserved from him) helps your friend. I’m sure you have already reminded her of her worth. Have a great week Sammy, if you do need anything @ me.

Afternoon guys, yes I’ve had a little dip today, I’ve got to be realistic and I understand its impossible to feel like that all the time, like you said before I know it’s just temporary so it will pass, I went to bed early last night and slept through so feel a bit jaded and irritable, work has been a bit manic today and the weather is not as nice lol. All I want is to get to the point when the positive days outnumber the negative and I’ll be winning. Been having early finishes lately so hopefully today will be the same and can get home, have dinner and relax.

I’m sorry to hear your friend was affected in that way, at least she didn’t find out he was a creep way down the line and developed any feelings for him, I know people who treat women this way and it really baffles me how some women are attracted to those types.

Today I’m not so up for changing my picture, not sure if it’s just because I feel a little flat, I’ll see how I feel after I get my haircut tomorrow, I wouldn’t be doing for any other reason than just a confidence boost and putting myself out there, I did get a few positive comments from friends at the weekend about the weight I’ve lost and its always nice to hear that, if I was looking to send an indirect message I would of done this weeks ago, I would rather not hear from her now to be honest.

Roll on home time!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Jay.

Well I knew it was a funny old day, I just got dropped off from work and walked past the pub over the road to my house and she was sitting outside having a drink, she was with 2 people, didn’t look who they were so could of been friends or date I wouldn’t know, she said hi and I said hi back and just carried on walking, didn’t really know what else to do lol, I have been wondering when I was going to bump into her and it has given me anxiety ythinking about it but it’s done now.

Yeah she lives about a 10 minute car journey away, I’m surprised she went to that pub because its so close to my house and that’s where we met that night! But her friends live round here and it’s the only pub that’s doing outside service at the moment. I would never show how I affected I’ve been by it, for all she knows after not speaking for so long I could be over it and I’m not generally a rude person so a simple hi and a smile was my flight mode lol. To be honest I’m surprised I didn’t have an anxiety attack when I got home, I’m surprisingly calm but I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t still have feelings because still had that warm feeling inside when you see someone you care about. However it doesn’t change anything I’m not going to contact her in anyway and I’ll continue as I am.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Jay.