Thank you for recognising that, I do hope so. I wouldn’t say I’m over her at all, I feel I could only say that if I felt nothing at all but I know I’m handling everything correctly and it’s not affecting me as mentally as I thought it would, doesn’t change the fact I really do miss her in my life and part of me still wants it the fantasy but I’m being realistic with myself and know that can’t happen so I will continue the good fight to own happiness 🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.

@Jay2023 you might not be over her quite yet but its obvious your over it (the situationship you had) otherwise mentally your reaction would not be so calm. Especially given you suffer anxiety.

Jay I’m not convinced you actually miss her, it comes across as you miss what you had; company, warm body, all the feels of being in a romantic companionship. Because you just revealed something very telling, you want the fantasy, not the reality – think about that.

Meaning, you fell for your idea of who she was rather than for who she was truly being.

When you find yourself slipping into those fantasy reminds yourself that nothing was followed up by real congruent action. This will help you further let go of these fantasies and instead learn to cultivate a real authentic deep intimate bond with someone in reality in the future.

Again I think right now the focus should be on how you’ve overcome a significant hurdle. The first dreaded meeting with an ex. The ones from this day forward only get easier!

I think your haircut is perfectly timed too, it will give you a new sense of being. Onwards and upwards!

Well maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit, it has caused a stir of emotions but I know the facts are still the same, I wanted to things to work out but in my gut for a long time I’ve not known its not possible. I also know after how far I’ve come this time it’s not worth the risk to reset all the progress I’ve made and go back to healing from square one, before I never had that mindset I always felt I needed her and now I don’t believe that so im definitely in a better place than I ever have been. I do wonder if she will reach out at some point but I will cross that bridge if it happens, I’m staying on track and I won’t even wish her happy bday next month, not out of spite but I just don’t want to encourage any contact. I do disagree though I feel I do miss her as a person despite everything that has happened just by going on how i felt when I saw her earlier, guess I will only know that when the time comes I meet someone else who can make me feel that way.

Thank you Rhaenys for acknowledging that, I have been going to bed earlier because its the only way I’m getting a good quota of sleep at the moment, I find I wake up at 4am most mornings with knotts in my stomach, I not sure why that is still happening after all this time but when I wake up its still the first thing I think of, only time will heal that I know. Some evenings if I do feel a bit low and have nothing on i do like to go to bed just to get the day over with and start a new one.

Anyway yes onwards and upwards, tomorrow after I get my haircut I will feel a better I’m sure 🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Jay.

@Jay2023
I think you would have learned nothing if you did go back again to what you had. It was not healthy. At least not the parts described to us.

For this to ever work you both would need to do a lot of work individually and then reconcile to begin with a completely clean slate. Do you honestly think she wants that? I don’t.

I think if she was going to message after your earlier interaction today then by now she would have. It was a perfect window.

In the future, if she genuinely cared about you too, when enough time has passed and she knows you’re likely to have healed she may try and establish a friendship. However because you mentioned she used you as an emotional crutch, it will be obvious if there is a hidden agenda.

I reached out to my ex, at first as the dumpee. I needed an explanation or closure, then he realised he wanted me. I didn’t anymore. When he finally got in touch again after i had changed numbers i could tell he wasn’t looking to interfere or reconcile, he was making peace so I was happy to be reacquainted because he was an important part of my life and I’d hate to just discard each other forever reducing what we had to nothing.

I care about my ex, but I’m no longer in love with him. In the past what have you done with your exes? What are you likely to do if contacted – blank or reply?

I personally can’t be rude to anyone. I would never ghost, air or ignore messages. I just think imagine the shoe was on the other foot. It never hurts to be polite. I’m all about positive energy and firm believer in what goes around comes around. It pays to never burn bridges.

If you really value her as a person and do really miss her and not the idea of her, then you’ll overcome your feelings for her and just want her to be happy. It might take time but it will definitely happen. So maybe think about that.

Also you mentioned to @Rhaenys you’re awake with knots, there’s something else probably troubling you there. Time to try labelling and finding the origin of that! Also hints of depression in your patterns too but j know you’re doing what you can.

But yes tomorrow is a new day and I hope you feel rejuvenated with your haircut!

@Jay2023

It’s okay, I don’t mind you talking about yourself right now, I have nothing major I need advice on and I’m just one of those people who enjoy helping others. From the snippets of information, I’ve learned you are self aware to not just take from others, so you’re not being selfish.

I’m in a good frame of mind and grateful for how things turned out in my life. But I will be sure to ask you boys if I do require anything and I’m sure you’ll return. If you don’t, again I have learned to have no expectations and it says more about you boys than me lol!

I agree that having a romantic relationship is not what you or the other person would deserve right now. You need to really build on who you are,  your worth, discover yourself and what you want. Learn to be happy alone. Solitude is where we discover ourselves and learn to listen to our soul, sort through the chaos and reach inner peace. So being alone is not the same as loneliness.

You wanting to repel any effort is understandable and the right thing to do to for yourself and your boundaries.

However I think you missed my point; it is the manner in which most people do things! They burn bridges by being obstinate and lack emotional intelligence. They want to be better versions of themselves but still lack the tools to deal with emotions in an effective way.

A lot of the advice out there on dating or even sustaining any type of relationship is really damaging to people. Instead of teaching ways to be empathetic, effectively communicate and work through emotions, it teaches power plays,  passive aggressiveness and that’s why so many relationships are failing. Almost as if toxicity has been normalised!

Psychological warfare is an ineffective, immature coping mechanism used to hide feelings and avoid being vulnerable. If you can’t be vulnerable you are not being true to yourself.

If you have ever come across a well adjusted person with emotional intelligence, you’ll realise they do not care to use tactics or games like that. They are authentic to themselves, do not care how they may be perceived because they know their own intent and validate themselves. Ignoring is a tool in their box but you’ll find they will only use it when being abused or harassed. Otherwise they are direct and expressive with their feelings.

For example, if contacted by an ex they directly deal with it and respond. If they are not feeling strong enough or feel communication will affect them adversely they will not be afraid to express that they require no communication. If they want communication they will not wait x amount of days etc.

However the script out there is to play mind games to have control.

[  ] If you reply you’re perceived as desperate.
[  ] If you respond immediately you look like you have no life.
[  ] Open and ignore to look like you don’t need them.

Yet the ironic thing is if you’re engaging with tips like this in any form, you are actually giving control to the other person, you’re relying on how they perceive you. Therefore at the root of all this is lack of self esteem and emotional regulation.

So yes stick to your own blueprint that inspires better emotional regulation, intelligence, and authenticity.

I’m a woman Jay,  and gender differences do play a role also in the way we deal with emotions.

A woman in a relationship who cares will always give her all, she will try when a man resists her, but once she reaches the point of deciding to leave or let go then 95% of the time she will never look back. That’s why it is easier to move on and be strong.
Whereas men are complacent, they do not realise the relationship is crumbling, they will burn bridges and then once it is too late they realise what they lost and then only a very small percentage are able to rectify it i.e. Danny. Certain variables need to exist for that.

So yes. When a woman’s done in most cases she’s done. If she’s reaching out its most likely because she still cares and wants to be friends.
Whilst a guy will only ever want to be friends if he thinks he has a chance at banging her or reconciliation. That’s what hurts women the most, they thought the friendship was worth more. Correct me if I’m wrong about your gender lol!

Don’t just wait for your feelings to pass, try and label them and source where they are coming from. That allows you to create tools to cope in future.

Definitely looking forward to you posting your selfie and reporting on how you feel! The new haircut, trim figure, venturing out. Sounds like an excellent care plan!

Evening @Jay2023

That’s okay, you’re human and it’s okay to miss her. What is it that you regret? Do you feel you could have done something differently?

Go and have a haircut and post a pic you could do with a pick me up today. I’m sure a few likes will remind you how great you are and doing! If people are commenting its because they are noticing an improvement in you so give yourself some credit!

I was back at work today. Kind of want to book time off and get the house finished but kind of want to procrastinate too lol. The weather has been good, not quite tanning yet though!

@Jay2023

I didn’t want to be the one to say it, so I’m glad your mum did. I don’t like to critique others either as there’s always two sides to the story. But this ex of yours certainly did not value you based on what we know.

Putting family and best friends aside, I bet you there are so many beautiful women who have valued and appreciated your attentiveness, support, caring and giving nature but your obsession with this one woman has caused you to not even appreciate that. You don’t need her to choose you, you don’t need to seek validation from her. Why let one woman destroy your worth?

From what you describe. I can honestly say and I’m quite straightforward in giving feedback (ask Danny) I don’t think there was anything you did wrong or more you could have done for her. You were a loving, giving, attentive partner willing to take on 3 children she just didn’t choose you. That is her choice, her loss. Your only mistake is you didn’t leave sooner and by dragging it out for 18 months just fed an addiction. So the withdrawal and separation anxiety is more pronounced.

You don’t have to wait until the weekend. It all starts and ends in your mind. You have the power and control to change the outcome of your life.

I too can’t stand self pitying for long it just is draining. It’s so much easier just being grateful and happy with what you do have and being proactive.

Bring on the sunshine and bring on being better and shining bright!