Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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October 23, 2018 at 5:14 am #232723

Shelbyville
Participant

I watched the first few seasons of Once Upon a Time a few years ago, but I’m definitely not up to date with recent seasons!

Before I met my ex, I found myself always organising things to look forward to, planning my next holiday etc…often on my own. I even enjoyed chilled weekends doing nothing, but now that’s gone and so is he, so I’m bereft of how to enjoy life without him by my side, so I completely understand what you mean. I have no interest, but what’s more, it’s not just apathy, it’s pain. Doing things without him is simply not as enjoyable, I don’t care what anyone says. It was fun with him and I enjoyed being taken care of too.

I too am SICK of trying all tips, I’m continuing to function, I’m pushing myself to do things,, I’m trying to exercise, I talk to friends, I see a therapist, I got rid of all his stuff or things he gave me. I read books, blogs, I meditate…urgh….what more can I do. I think all this is redundant somewhat if the feelings don’t change and the feelings won’t let me accept it’s over.

So basically how do I do that? People reading this might say….well lady…you have to accept this….it seems your ex has left the building! And he has, but denial has a grip on me and I can’t seem to get it to sink in, that he’s gone forever. Does anyone know how to get to acceptance?

October 23, 2018 at 7:42 am #232735

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

I honestly have no words. I agree with everything you’ve said. I too am trying to figure out how to move past this point in my life and failing terribly!

I’m not sure where to go next..

October 23, 2018 at 9:53 am #232749

Shelbyville
Participant

Speaking to therapist helped this afternoon. I need to work on my self criticism (which I always struggle with), no more sighing or berating myself because of how I feel. I am where I am, there’s nothing wrong with that. I won’t always be where I am now. (though I’m not entirely convinced of that right now!)

Self Love is the key to missing my ex as much. But as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I’m not going to get out of this without pain. Whether that’s in a few weeks or months time, when I’m ready, we’ll see.

Are you going to the gym this evening? I wanted to go for a walk but I’m shattered after poor sleep last night!

October 23, 2018 at 10:16 am #232753

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

Hi ladies,

I joined on here today in the hopes of maybe one person being able to relate to my soul destroying emotions that I have been/am feeling post my break-up 6 weeks ago. And the first discussion I saw was this one. As so sad and sorry I am to see the pain you’ve been going through, I can tell you that I am 100% feeling it alongside you and I’m so relieved I’m not the only one who feels like my entire life has been put under a truck.

Shelbyville, have you found that you’ve always had a similar type of reaction when a romantic relationship breaks off? Or did you find that you previously managed to “move on” in a less dramatic way from previous partners? (sorry if you’ve covered this in previous pages, I didn’t get to read all of it as I was so eager to speak to you both!).

For me, due to the intense emotional reactions I have when a man decides to end things with me, I have recently really had to dig deep into my past and seemingly nice overall childhood (on the surface) to figure out why I literally cannot function after a breakup….even one that has been a few months. The emotions/reactions/feelings/situations that you both describe could have been written by me!

I realised when I dug deeper that because of my parents very dysfunctional relationship and their own beliefs about love etc, I subconsciously sponged all that rubbish up as a child, alongside growing up with media and societal expectations of how life is about finding that one soulmate, you get married, have children and live happily ever after. Hmm, and low and behold…..I’m 32, only ever had very short periods of dating emotionally unavailable men who were bound to reject me, and now newly single, very raw from my recent breakup from a short but intense relationship and discovered I have no idea how to have a healthy romantic intimate partnership! (brilliant *sarcasm). I’m also an empath and highly sensitive person, which doesn’t feel like it helps matters when life throws curveballs. I have had a huge fear of abandonment and rejection and been a ‘people pleaser’ ever since I started dating in my early 20’s, which I now know is due to my parents very sad relationship. I also have had no self esteem or love for myself for as long as I can remember….we aren’t even taught this exists whilst in school.

Acceptance and the ability to slowly let go is all about time, self compassion and forgiving yourself for giving yourself such a damn hard time. It’s easy to type this, but feeling it is hard I know. It’s about changing our expectations as to what a relationship “should be” and accepting the really difficult reality that they sometimes don’t grow simultaneously, no matter how hard you fight, scream, cry, shout at yourself and them in your head to make the outcome different. I’m slowly learning that it’s not healthy to “emotionally attach” myself to a man and pin my current and future “be all and end all” happiness on him. It’s not realistic and it won’t ever prove successful. It’s about changing who and what we thought we were and our perceptions of relationship expectations, to being more self serving and ensuring we don’t ever lose ourselves again to another person. It’s not an easy or quick journey, it’s ongoing and will be a spiral one.

Lots of love and blessings (p.s. Natalie Lue’s baggage reclaim site rescued me from my recent utter despair and brink of suicide last month. Delve into her podcasts and blogs). x

October 24, 2018 at 12:02 am #232861

Kkasxo
Participant

RebirthandRestart2018,

Welcome to the thread! I’ve had a quick read of your thread also and I’m very sorry that you’ve had to go through something so terrible!

I hope you are being kind to yourself and taking the time out to heal emotionally from such a traumatic experience.

I myself have been reading a lot into attachment and I think you’re absolutely right! It isn’t healthy!

I think I’ve pretty much hit a brick wall in regards to progress from my break up and it’s very frustrating!

How are you ladies feeling this morning?

October 24, 2018 at 12:33 am #232863

Shelbyville
Participant

Morning,

Welcomr to the thread. I’m sorry you’ve been suffering. I really can empathise. In relation to previous relationships, I didn’t have any! Plenty of flings that fizzled out or ended abruptly but I was ok because I hadn’t invested in them as such. The only previous breakup I had was with this current ex when we split the first time & I fell to pieces. Could not function, but I also had other grief I hadn’t dealt with backloading that at the time, which I feel I have since worked through.

This time I’m suffering too as I guess more time with him meant I invested more and felt more, so it hurts like nothing else.

My therapist is trying to encourage me to love myself. At the moment for instance, I hate looking in the mirror, I just feel lost. So I’m giving it a go, apparently if you repeat things enough to yourself, your brain will start to believe it!

I was concerned about co-dependency etc but my therapist said ‘nah, look it, you’re a highly sensitive woman who loved beyond measure a commitment phobe. You thought it could work and it didn’t, so naturally you’re devastated. You’ll be ok’. So we shall see.

I have a day off today so right on cue woke with anxiety at 4.30am, grrr, it’s so annoying but im trying to say to myself, are you ok, I hear you anxiety and it’s ok, I know you’re sad. I’ll let you know if that works on an ongoing basis.

I need to get up anyway, as the spiralling starts if I stay in bed. Distractions are our friends for the moment I guess. How about ye?

October 24, 2018 at 12:51 am #232865

Kkasxo
Participant

Morning Shelby,

I think your therapist is right. Naturally when we invest our time, energy and love into someone we do so with the hope of the best outcome, a breakup isn’t exactly that is it. So it’s natural to be devastated over this. The book you recommend also speaks of the unknown and being alone. When you’re in a relationship you associate your future with that person and even if you quite figured out where you’re headed, somewhat the idea of this other person being next to you to figure it out with you is what makes the notion bearable. When you split up however, the future you planned in your head no longer exists and you are left alone and in the unknown of what your future may or may not look like. Panic mode kicks in.

I think we can only hope that we are doing the best that we currently can!

What distractions have you got planned for the day then? I’m just heading into work hoping that’ll provide me with enough distraction to get through my day. Then I’m hoping to drag myself to the gym and release some of this energy.

Im supposed to be going to a concert tomorrow which I originally bought tickets for me and him. I’ve tried desperately the past two weeks to sell the tickets as I know he’ll be going with his friends but they are not selling. And now I’m left wondering whether I should risk loosing all of the money I paid for the tickets just to not go and avoid bumping into him or better yet being in the same place but pretending we don’t know one another. Or just face this milestone (one that I’ll have to face at some point anyway as we live fairly close to one another) and go and stop living my life because of him?!

What are your thoughts?

October 24, 2018 at 1:54 am #232867

Shelbyville
Participant

I’m planning on going to the shops today, not to buy anything but it will pass a few hours wandering aimlessly. Also my friend with the 6month old has returned to work so she has asked me to call into her mum (who is minding the child) to lend a hand for an hour or two today so I’m happy to do it.

At the start, I definitely felt my future was gone when we split, but at the moment I’m just missing the every day stuff. Not even the future so much now, but the hand holding and laughing and mundane everyday stuff, waking up beside him etc. It’s torture.

As for the concert- I don’t know the band/singer so I can’t say if it’ll be full of ballads or death metal! When We split some years ago, I went to see a band with some friends about 3 wks after split and completely broke down, panicked totally. Starting crying, just because I wanted his arms around me as we bobbed along to the music.

This time, I got tickets for an exclusive gig he had talked about for ages, due one week after our split. I pulled strings to get the tickets – which were like gold dust. In the end, I did what was best for me and didn’t go. He wouldn’t have been there but it was something so associated with him and lots of slow mournful music so I figured it would have been torture.

I know it’s really difficult to lose money too as tickets can be so expensive but at the end of the day, it’s about your well-being. What would be best for you, the least amount of pain and suffering g? If it’s to stay at home and write it off, then do that. In the grand scheme of things, you’ll forget about the cost down the road. If it’s to go and assert some more independence, then do that. For me, it would be torture I think, so I’d miss it, but you seem to be strong when it comes to things like dinners with friends and weddings abroad, so you may very well be able to manage it!

I will try and get a walk in today so I don’t feel so bad as I def have put back on some weight with all the chocolate I’ve been eating ?

October 24, 2018 at 2:12 am #232869

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

The issue is here I’m not strong. And it feels awfully wrong attending to something whilst he’s there only to pretend that we don’t know one another. What feels even worse is that in my head, with him popping up only last week begging for forgiveness it hasn’t even crossed his mind to say ‘Hey, seeing as were both going, why don’t we go together?’.. He’d rather go with his friends as planned.

I know that I should probably miss this one out but it is something I’ve been looking forward to for months now and the other half of me feels like why should I stop my life just because he’s going? He’ll be there enjoying himself, why cant I?

I’ve got a really strong urge to block him in every single way possible right now just so that he cannot physically reach me. My heart says no just in case so that whatever heartfelt messages he writes can reach me, even though he doesn’t do this. But my mind is telling me that no matter what he writes it will not make a difference. Our relationship was amazing however that relationship as we knew it is now over and I honestly don’t believe that it could go back to how it was.

I’m so up and down with everything and much prefer when he sets the pace for us going our separate ways. Then its almost like I don’t have a choice but being the one who’s left with the choice is so difficult! I honestly don’t think I can do any more! I hate being where I am, I really really do and i’m sick and tired of it now.

I’m glad you’ve got things planned for the day, it should help it pass quicker! Also, why don’t you try to squeeze in a work out at home maybe in the evening? When I cant be bothered to go to the gym I tend to just stick to that.

October 24, 2018 at 3:30 am #232881

Shelbyville
Participant

I understand what you mean. Well the best thing to do is go to the concert if you’ve really been looking forward to it and try to enjoy it as best you can. If you feel it’s too much for you, maybe leave again and give yourself a pat on the back for at least trying.

You are still in uncertain territory so I’m guessing interaction with your ex at the minute might not be the best idea. Just so you can get your head around things without things like smell, sight and touch clouding you.

I massively miss my ex but I’d say not seeing him for 4.5 wks has lessened how vivid he is in my brain in a way. It sounds weird, but it’s a bit fuzzy. I guess that’s the self protection kicking in.

Im actually under the weather today so I don’t think I’ll manage a workout, my biggest aim isn’t not to let it get any worse because I CANT not go to work or be bound to the couch. I’ll go demented, I need routine at the moment!

October 24, 2018 at 4:22 am #232891

Kkasxo
Participant

That makes sense. I think my issue is where we’ve been in light contact and even met up a few times everything is still so vivid in a sense. I’m actually quite jealous of your cold turkey approach to things! It’s inspiring and I can guarantee you’ll get to the other end of all this quicker than I will purely because of that!

I think I’ve actually come up with a decision for myself. Althought VERY difficult. I think now is not the time for us to be reconciling – gosh that was even difficult to write 🙁

I just don’t think anything has changed to allow us to progress in the reconciliation and I believe myself to be back to square one with his popping up back and forth. It has done nothing but mess with my head yet again. And although i’d love to run into the sunset with him that is just not realistic right now. I do also realise that shutting this down means that i’m probably shutting it down for good this time both for myself and for him so it is painfully heartbreaking to be in my shoes right now. I think if a part of me at least believed that things could or would work I’d go for it. But I don’t believe it. I’m just sort of clinging on because of love whilst all the other things that make a relationship work scream love. And here comes that expression I never understood, ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough to make things work’.

If you’re located in the UK try day & night nurse! It’ll have you sweating like never before but you’ll kick the cold in no time! I hope you feel better soon!

October 24, 2018 at 5:03 am #232903
RebirthandRestart2018
Participant
Good afternoon ladies,

Thankyou and bless you both for reading my thread – as bloody awful as it was typing all that out and partially rehashing it over in my head for the trillionth time! I’m just doing / thinking / feeling the same things as you both to get through a day at a time at the moment. Trying to learn what this ‘self care and self love’ is really all about!!

Kkasxo – in relation to the concert, you’re right, you need to do what is best for your wellbeing. Only you know exactly where you are with this. If you feel you can be balanced and grounded knowing you’re in the same room as him without frantically wanting to spot him and get his attention (with no guarantee of what his reaction will be), then be able to come home still feeling balanced, then you’re in a good place to try and go. However, if you think you won’t even be paying full attention to the concert because you know he’s there somewhere and it makes you feel anxious with just the thought of that, then don’t go and do something else instead that night, which will give you a sense of safety and comfort. The last thing you need is to put yourself under undue pressure. YOU matter. Not the money, not him, just you. It’s more than ok to be selfish. Oh I hear you on that expression about love not being enough. I thought that love was supposed to be everything and make everything worthwhile?! It’s another harsh reality of this world.

Shelbyville – I can really relate to what you say about the image of your ex feeling fuzzy. It’s been just over 6 weeks here and although I can see his form, his features are fuzzy. Which is really helping my recovery. I also deleted him from my social media came off facebook myself, so I’m not tempted to keep looking at his profile for the tiniest of changes or updates. It’s really hard but we need to cut off for our healing I think. Although I had noticed he’s still ‘following’ me on Instagram and looked at 2 of my recent stories that I posted. It was a very temporary satisfaction to know that he still had some curiosity over what I was up to….but it doesn’t last!

The mirror work is really strange but once you find your own little way to speak to yourself, it will fit. Try to do it for a few minutes each morning or evening. I found it’s more effective when you’re actually in a bit of a bad way. As soon as I looked into my own eyes, I saw so much sadness and weariness that I ended up (with tears streaming down my face) saying something like “I’m so so sorry I have ignored you and your true feelings for so long. All you’ve ever wanted was to be loved and appreciated and I’m so sorry I didn’t listen. YOU deserve the love first. I’ll always have your back every day from now on. I promise I will check in with you when things feel off. I promise to stand up for you and speak for you. I promise to put you and your heart first. YOU are important to me” You sort of end up seeing yourself as an innocent child who just needs protecting and you’re the only one who completely understands them. Your eyes are the window to your soul….I really felt that when I found my way through to myself.

I hope you both have the best day possible right now. Feel the sun on your skin and know that we have this day to take another step forwards. We can do it together if you like. 🙂
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by RebirthandRestart2018.
October 24, 2018 at 5:04 am #232905

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Night Nurse is a gift, but I remember a few years ago I was in the States and I tried niquil! My life was changed for ever! Night Nurse ain’t got nothing in it, if it were only available over here!!!

As for your decision, that’s incredibly brave if you. Well done. You inspire me! I absolutely agree with you, I know what that phrase means now, ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’, ugh but why can’t we just fall in love with people we are compatible with? I guess people would say, you don’t know who you’re compatible with until you try and then by the time you’ve figured it out, you are already in love.

The no contact rule for me is hanging on by a tenuous thread and I suppose it’s not so much being strong and my ex not indicating he wants any contact. Your situation is different, if my ex was contacting me regularly, I would NOT be able to resist.

Its heartbreaking for you. No-one knows what the future holds, I’ve heard stories of people splitting for five years and having other relationships and one day reuniting at a better time for both. Hopefully this forum and your booked therapy appointment will help get you through. Whatever you do, nothing is the ‘wrong’ thing. If you change your mind, if you try again, if you contact, if you don’t contact, it’s all part of YOUR process. It’s what you need to do.

I just had a takeaway burger. That’s really gonna help me feel better! (Uh oh!!)

October 24, 2018 at 7:25 am #232947

Shelbyville
Participant

R&R2108,

Thanks for your post. I’m finding it difficult to cope with my emotions today. I’m doing plenty to distract myself but I feel it’s pointless when I still have the same point of view in my head. I miss him, I don’t know how life can be happy without him, I want to talk to him.

I will try the mirror work, it’ll be difficult as I think I look horrendous at the moment or I don’t even think it’s about looks, I just can’t look at myself. I feel a bit worthless, it’s not right- but there you have it.

Doing my best to not reach out this afternoon as everyone seems to say contact makes it worse and I feel bad enough as it is!

October 24, 2018 at 8:00 am #232959

RebirthandRestart2018
Participant

I know how difficult this is for you, I really do. You feel powerless, worthless, misunderstood by the one person you wanted to understand and accept you, trapped and overall just existing.

But, you’re AWARE that you feel worthless and you just said it yourself, that feeling of worthlessness doesn’t sit right with you – meaning that it’s not who you truly are. It’s something you feel, but it’s not the real you. Inside of all the chaos that’s going on, YOU still exist in your own right. There is still a little flame somewhere inside you that is still burning, just waiting on your consent to shine bigger. These words probably won’t be resounding with you much at all today, and if I were to read those words a few weeks ago, I would think ‘oh go away’! But I’m really hoping that you can look back on this thread in even a couple of weeks time and see the progress you’ve made.

Contact does make it worse overall I’m afraid, because it just contradicts your healing and keeps you stuck within the grieving cycle.

You don’t have to go straight into self loving when you look at yourself. You have every right to tell yourself the truth about how you feel. Get angry, cry at yourself, shake your head at yourself, do anything that just gets you to confront yourself face on. You’ll find with a bit of time that it will soften and you’ll change your tact. Just flow with it when it feels ok.

I wish I had the answers for you, and the rest of us, but what I do know is that there is no quick fix for this. We have to feel the hurt and pain to come through the other side. That’s what I recently learned when I was berating myself for feeling so deeply. It’s a gift to feel so deeply in one sense, but as a fellow HSP, a challenge at best! Sending you lots of love for the rest of today.
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