Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic has 2,307 replies, 62 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 8, 2018 at 2:16 am #229667

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo, I’ve lost half stone in two weeks, so I feel your pain. I’m sorry you have that morning pain where you check your phone.

I suppose I still hope he’ll change his mind, but I don’t expect to see a message or anything from him in the mornings so at least that roller-coaster is something I can avoid.

If I take a higher more distant look at it, I see the perspective that it’s been 17 days, of course it seems natural to feel how I’m feeling right now. However, that 17 days has felt like 17 months and the idea of trying to even get to 6 months seems insurmountable. Then there is the part of me that can’t let go, that I don’t WANT to be 6 months down the road away from him.

It’s tough. Let’s keep telling ourselves positive things to try and trick our brains, positive mental attitude an all that jazz!

S x

October 8, 2018 at 2:43 am #229669
HoneyBlossom
Participant
Dear Shelbyville,

I am an older woman, and I have had several long-term relationships end, and most times I felt absolutely devastated. With 2 of these breakups, I would grind my teeth during the night while I was sleeping. With one of those breakups, I cried every single day, not little sobs either, for 4 months. My family were SO worried and distressed at my grief.

To be perfectly honest, I just feel. NOTHING for any of those men now. Mostly, I feel relief that I am not with them.

I am not immune to hurt, but Im trying to be a wiser, stronger person.

Im open to love now even though sonetimes that fills me with anxiety. I know now that relationshipd force me to deal with my own insecurities. Im learning that I am not the worthless, undundeserving person I came to believe I was. I know I deserve happiness.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
October 8, 2018 at 2:54 am #229677

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby, I 100% understand you when you say that yes maybe you’ll get to the 6month mark but do you really want to be apart for that long? No.

I do believe that’s where the issue also lies with me. Maybe I can eventually get there. But I don’t actually want to live without this man and I most certainly don’t want him to continue his life without me. I truly pictured us together until the end of our days..

But perhaps this is just our hearts playing tricks on us! The battle between the mind and the heart is a real thing!

October 8, 2018 at 3:20 am #229681

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo, I don’t know much about much, but I figure the reason we feel so bad is exactly for that reason. We don’t WANT to move on. I guess you can’t make a person be where they don’t want to be, so it’s a matter of getting there when we get there. I know you saw your future with him, me too, but is it likely now? After all that has happened, with no major change in circumstances in thinking? I’m a total romantic at heart and want the Hollywood ending, but I’ve been trying to bring a bit more realism into my life as each day passes.

I do not want to be without my ex. My life I feel is crappy without him and yes, maybe that says more about me than it does about him. However, whether I saw my entire future with him or not, the situation is as is. It’s not my choice, but there is nothing I can do to change it. He made his decision, I don’t want that decision, but I have no choice in the matter.

Btw, all of the above is written in a lucid moment when the withdrawal has not overcome my brain and heart! In a few hours time, I could very well be singing a different tune! x

@HoneyBlossom I’m sorry to hear you had tough experiences too. I admire your courage in seeking out new relationships and love again despite heartbreak. I fear I am not as strong. I’m totally lost at the moment. Yes you’re right, it could be a self-esteem issue for me too, I am understanding that more and more but sometimes I find it very difficult to focus on anything but him and not myself. I can’t even think about the future at the moment as it causes such pain. So for now, I will continue to work and eat and breathe as best I can. x

October 8, 2018 at 3:51 am #229689
HoneyBlossom
Participant
Dear Shelbyville,

Considering the short space of time since your breakup, your level of grief and anxiety is normal.

For a while, it can feel just like life is one foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself as you would to a dear friend. Eat well., take gentle exercise, practice relaxation and mindfulness. Know that you will not always feel this way, and that your life is unfolding. If not already, then in time, you will take valuable life lessons and growth from this experience which will help move you towards a more suitable partner.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
October 8, 2018 at 4:30 am #229697

Shelbyville
Participant

Dear HoneyBlossom,

Thanks for the kind advice.

S x

October 8, 2018 at 4:53 am #229701

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

I know that feeling all too well! The continuous up and down of emotions. One minute I find myself actually getting on with my day and the next I’m distraught! It is a rollercoaster of a ride!

October 8, 2018 at 5:36 am #229703

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Perhaps what people say is true, that as each day passes with no contact, you tend to get on with your day more and more and less and less distraught moments. I can’t say for sure. I’ve never been through a relationship ending before. Well as I mentioned in previous post, we split up before and I was devastated, but there was a lot more stuff going on with me personally back then that contributed to that level of devastation and I never tried to move on I guess, because we ended up getting back together several months later, despite zero contact for the most part.

This time, I’m afraid, because someone can’t get back in a relationship a second time without everyone (including myself) labeling it as ‘toxic’ or not right and that I’m just settling. I see their point of view, I just wish it were that simple for the brokenhearted. x

October 8, 2018 at 6:16 am #229711

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

There is some sense to that. I think it comes down to learning how to live without your significant other. The same way we adjust to sharing every part of your day with the other, we must then adjust to not being able to do this anymore. What I found the most difficult and still do is not being able to share small, insignificant details about my day or life with him. And that then leads to me missing him. Missing having someone who actually cares to hear about those things.

I think perhaps your last split was different as maybe you somewhat knew it wasn’t really the end. This time as you say is different. And I hope that in itself is enough motivation to get you through this difficult time. The fact that you cannot control r influence that this is the outcome.

It really is a shame that he has decided he is unable to move forward in the relationship. I know that all too well. But if he really wanted to, he would have! That’s what you’ve got to keep repeating to yourself.

October 8, 2018 at 6:23 am #229713

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Oh the little things….they’re a killer! In fact, I had some very distressing news from a friend early last week and I was in such shock and upset about it, I picked up the phone to call my ex immediately, not even thinking. I put it down again, but it was a time I really needed him and had to resist. I have heard so many times, including from my therapist that it’s so sad he couldn’t move forward, that he will one day regret it and realised he made the wrong life choices. I think that’s probably true, because I’ve learned so much about how our minds work, I genuinely felt that deep deep down, he wanted the same things as me but was too scared to investigate the prospect because of ties he doesn’t even realise he has.

The fact that he might regret it in 10 or 15 years time, doesn’t really help me now. Although at this moment, it’s probably a better prospect that him sailing off into the sunset living a wonderfully happy life without me!

I’m at the stage where I kind of want to go back to pre-ex times, when I had never fallen for anyone before and knew no different. Ignorance is bliss as they say!

I hope you’re managing your no contact endeavour well. x

October 8, 2018 at 7:57 am #229723

Kkasxo
Participant

Oh wouldn’t that be wonderful! Going back to living comfortably without feeling love and as a result feeling this excruciating feeling. Its crazy how you actually can physically feel it!

I must say today is definitely one of my lower days. All I want is to speak with him, see him, just be with him. He always makes it better. But instead I’m going to write a list of all the negatives to try and spring back into rational mode!

October 8, 2018 at 9:43 am #229749

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

It is a physical pain, but you can’t locate the source of the wound. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling low today, that was me yesterday.

Why don’t you think about texting him tomorrow instead. I always think if you plan to make contact, it should be when you’re able and in a better place to deal whatever the response may be. If I’m particularly down, I fear a lacklustre response from him or worse will set me off completely. So I try to wait until better frame of mind. Perhaps the craving will have passed by then.

October 8, 2018 at 10:28 am #229763

Victoria
Participant

Hi Kkasxo and Shelbyville,

I have felt such warmth reading your messages just to know that I am not alone in this whirlwind of wanting to call or message my ex.

I caved last night and regretted it this morning as I felt like I had not only set myself back but I have stunted his progress.

In my situation, I broke up with him and he doesn’t understand why I am upset because I broke it off. However, I feel like my world has collapsed and again, like both of you have mentioned its the little things that make you want to call them.

It’s strange not seeing someone who actually has some sort of interest in what you ate for lunch that day (for example).

I think I am going to draw up a chart called the “days you didn’t contact him” chart and so I can see a physical representation of my willpower.

It hits me on a night and last night I couldn’t sleep. I’ve even bought a soft toy to cuddle because I miss him. It’s so difficult because I was on good terms with his family, so not only do I want to message him but I keep wanting to call his mum and apologise. However, apologising won’t help.

We have both agreed that we’re either in a relationship or we’re strangers which is difficult. I wish I could tell him to wait for me like they do in the movies but it’s unfair on both of us. Although I feel like until the pain ends everything I do will be related to him e.g. If I do well at my education I know that he would be proud. I’m not sure if thats healthy but it’s strange doing things and then not being able to call him on my way home.

I believe that we will all push through this. I even did a pro/con list today of being single, it didn’t really help though. *sigh* I have also deleted his number so I am not tempted to call or message him.

I hope the cravings to communicate haven’t been too bad today for either of you.

October 8, 2018 at 10:49 am #229771

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

You’re right. Contacting him isn’t going to make a difference. Not tonight & not ever to be quite frank. I’m going to tuck into bed, eat leftover birthday cake and watch some Netflix instead!

Victoria – welcome to the forum hun! I’m sorry to hear about your struggle! May I ask why the decision to split from your partner?

October 8, 2018 at 11:42 am #229789

Shelbyville
Participant

Hi Victoria,

Your situation sounds painful. Believe me when I say we can appreciate the loss and the pain. It’s hell on Earth but I guess you were right, relationship or strangers is probably the healthiest way to go.

People might think if you’re the one who ended the relationship, that’s you sail off into the sunset on your happy horse. Tbh, I know my ex ended it with me, but he was distraught doing it and I know he gets no great pleasure in us being split up either. But unfortunately we couldn’t stay together as we were and he wasn’t able to move on. So both of us are wrecked.

I guess if you are not ready or want to be in a relationship with him now, have a future with him, it is probably better for him to leave him be, as excruciating as that may be for you.

I completely understand the family ties too, I adored my ex’s family and his mum was especially good to me. In truth I miss them all.

Do you have a breakup buddy you could text when you feel weak? Someone recently told me they had one who they would text each time they felt like texting their ex girlfriend and it worked. The buddy would distract long enough and understood the scenario to get him over the hump of that craving.

@Kkasxo, my therapist told me today I haven’t given up hope which is why I can’t move on. Yet. They explained that I’m not 3 weeks through yet so what I’m feeling is normal and the grief is going to hit me in waves. Also explained that if I got in contact, it would mean that I reached out to try and control something that’s not within my control. He made his decision, if he wanted to change it, he would have contacted me and be with me. I get the logic, the ‘science’ of it I often joke, but still not sinking in. That’s because hope remains, it’s one of the hardest things to accept.

S x
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