Kkasxo,

Today was my final presentation of the three I had to do. It went okay I think and I’m glad I did it and they’re over, but I cried the whole way home. I woke up with a deep sadness today and a sense of being lost and empty, which seemed to be worse after the presentation was over. I almost texted him this evening to act like we were, like it’s totally cool to just pick up the phone and contact him like I always used to!!!

I really can’t figure this out, people telling me it will take time etc. My feelings have not changed one bit since 10 weeks ago. So basically, what’s the method here? Anyone heartbroken recoveree out there that can guide through the process? So is it a case of you have an overwhelming need to contact them and talk to them but you just resist and resist and resist and it goes away? Or is this not particularly usual in these scenarios? It’s so hard to figure out the right thing to do right now. My head says move on and forget as much as possible, my heart says run to him, even if it means more pain.

It’s funny, I don’t know if I want time to move forward. I hate this time of year, and am much looking forward to the spring, but in another way, the future looks so bleak for me, that I’m in no rush to be alone without him, which is where I am already, but it’s weird complicated craziness on my part!!

Also, can you believe the words out of your mouth – or keyboard –  all the positive things you plan to do for YOU next year. That’s monumental. To even have the self=awareness at this stage, after all you’ve been through to have such a positive outlook. You’re doing amazing and I hope therapy is helping and not draining you too much.

Christmas with your family will be great, being around family is a major blanket for me at the moment. I genuinely would be lost without them, especially my sister and her husband and toddler and my Dad. But they want me to feel better and happier – for my sake – and I’m trying, but nothing is budging much.

Victoria, how are you? Good luck with the job interview. Is there a counselling service attached to your college? There used to be a free service when I was in college for students having a tough time.

Kkasxo,

That’s not blown out of proportion whatsoever. That’s unacceptable. Look it, ye are trying to give it another go and that in itself is hard enough, it’s even worse having to deal with all the extra sh*t also. I remember when I originally reunited with my ex, I kept it to just us for a couple of months. I just didn’t have the energy or capability to deal with all the family stuff too, and in my situation, his family were DELIGHTED we reunited. In your case, they are not warm and welcoming people.

I think you did the right thing, for you. Despite what anyone else thinks. It’s was a sh*tty situation that you didn’t feel comfortable in, so you removed yourself from that rotten scenario. You can always get your ex to tell his sister that you were on the phone in the car to a family member who needed you and had to dash away as they needed your help.

It’s difficult I know, the whole situation seems so difficult, but it doesn’t seem as though much has changed in practical terms. Living at home with his family is already still causing problems and essentially, he’s not who you need him to be. You needed a guy who stood by your side yesterday, who took care of you and made YOU his priority, but that didn’t happen. You, like me, want it to be fixed, to be better, for our ex to be better for what we want. But people keep telling me, I cant MAKE him into something he’s not, I tried for two more years and he still wasn’t capable of being who I really really really want him to be.

Now I’m still at the stage where I’d accept who he is as good enough for me, but that decision is out of my hands, because he broke up with me. The decision is still yours, but will it continue to be scenarios where you end up feeling like absolute crap like yesterday.

I explained to my therapist before that my ex used to tell me when we were alone together that everything about us felt ‘right’. I too had the exact same feeling, we’d be lying on the bed talking and it just felt so ‘right’ to be with him. But my therapist pointed out what I said…..he said I felt it was right ‘when it was just us’…but he says that’s not how the real world works. Humans are made up of everything about them, their families, their jobs, their friends life circumstances etc. A couple can’t exist independently of the rest of the every day world. And he’s right, my ex and I were magical alone, but his life started to infiltrate things – naturally enough- his commitment to his family, his living arrangements, his lack of desire to live alone with me etc and therefore, the cracks appeared.

Your ex needs to make some changes – action speaks louder than words – if ye are to go forward and have a solid and healthy future together. That’s just my view of it, but it could be total balderdash as I’m not in your relationship and I know how difficult the ins and outs of it can be. I just don’t want to see you where I am. I hoped and hoped and things didn’t change, despite him telling me what I wanted to hear and inevitably, he knew he couldn’t stall or remain vague any longer and didn’t want to fight, so he bailed.

I think you have immeasurable potential. Genuinely. Smart, astute, caring, kind, funny and young! So many possibilities for your future.

S x

Kkasxo,

You’re in an impossible situation and handling it as best you can. I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as you are right now. I still think it comes back to the situation where ye need to live together now. Alone. Develop your own life as a couple that has no interference from family responsibilities etc.

Also, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Feelings can rarely controlled and one thing I learned many years ago after the end of a friendship and I read it somewhere and thought it was so apt…..if someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to tell them that you didn’t! Feelings are feelings, and you were entitled to feel how you felt last evening and saying that ‘it’s blown out of proportion is minimising your feelings and your importance.

I used to dim down my feelings sometimes with my ex because he had such difficulty with emotion and I realise that wasn’t healthy. He should have loved me as I am, emotions and all. Stay away from the sister, there’s no need for you to be friends. As I wrote previously, I thought I got on really really well with my ex’s sister who lives abroad until a recent family event showed she was far sharper than I knew and she hurt me. So I decided, that’s it, I’m not putting myself into a situation where I can be hurt by her again. At the time though my ex was absolutely staunchly angry at his sister and though he’s not one for confrontation ever, he just stopped talking to her and responding to her contact. Even after we split, when I had that conversation on the phone with him and I explained that his sister had texted me, he apologised that she had been in contact and said he didn’t realise she had contacted me because he still hadn’t spoken to her really since that weekend.

So he didn’t do a lot to make me his future but he stuck up for me, even when I suggested NOT being angry with his sister, he took my side. My sisters husband has a big family he loves but will always stand by my sis first and foremost, both my sisters husbands actually. I think that’s the way its meant to be.

It might be just a bit too soon to be thrown back into all the family situation at his house yet, maybe keep to meeting in your place or neutral ground.

The funny thing is, anyone reading my thread will think I’m such a doormat, would accept anything from my ex now, even if it’s not what I deserve, I always made him the priority etc and they’re not wrong. But I used to be well able to go. I traveled alone and have so many friends and family to this day, but everything is different now. Back then I didn’t know what I was missing, ignorance was bliss. Now I know what it’s like to be with him, being without him just seems so dreary and dull. I’m not dealing well with it at all. I’m either in denial or despair.

It might be easier for you if your ex walked away, but it hasn’t been any easier for me. I always want things to work, to control things, how do I control this? How do I make it work when I can’t control him? I’m not coming to terms with that at all. It’s getting worse each day to be honest. Know clue what to do, advice is that thoughts control feelings, so change your thoughts, so then I try and be positive and distract – but then they say you have to feel the pain to work through it- so i’m all over the place!

If time would do it, fine…I’ll wait. But 10 weeks later, nothing has changed. I’ll give it another 10 weeks and see, but I’m not convinced!

I plan to stay with my sister tonight, although I’m actually exhausted. But she’s heavily pregnant and has a toddler so I try to help on weekends with getting up early with the toddler so his mum and dad can have much needed hour or two extra in bed. But tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind an hour or two extra in bed myself! But I’ll be fine. As for tomorrow and Sunday, I’ve no plans yet – I’ll have to think of something. Sunday evening my family and I are supposed to be going for dinner for my birthday which is on Monday, but we’re not sure at the moment as we are waiting on news of our elderly relative who is extremely unwell.

Would you go back to the gym later to vent out some of the stuff circling in your head?

Kkasxo,

Thats the MOST frustrating thing isn’t it, when we have an idea in our head of how a situation should have gone or how they should have behaved but didn’t. That happened me a lot. I often got upset when he just didn’t do exactly as I had imagined in my head. It will continue to cause frustration I think, I’m sure you’ve already explained outright what you need him to do?

I don’t think you over reacted to be honest. You just reacted and there is nothing wrong with your feelings. Nothing wrong with having feelings, especially after all the trauma you’ve been through. I’d zone most of the ‘noise’ out.

Never mind his sister – mind over matter- you don’t mind cos she don’t matter! If she feels she has the upper hand, let her think that. It won’t serve her. It’s pointless for her to have that attitude and that will transpire in time.

Some days I really really want to let my ex know my thoughts – for various reasons. I hate the idea that he’s fine, that he’s already gone about planning some of his future on his own and here I am like a right fool aching and heartbroken and STILL talking about it. So I might drag him back to the drama so he doesn’t get to sail off into the sunset so easily- bad I know, but it’s part of how I feel. Also, I feel like it was all so abrupt and while talking about it won’t change it, I cling to the idea it will do…..something. I dunno. There is nothing more to say I guess. It is what it is but in some ways I want him to know how much he has hurt me. But what stops me completely is pride.

I’m in pieces, I’m empty and I feel lost without him, I’m unhappy and don’t see a bright future, but I feel that him not knowing how badly I’m coping is the ONLY grain of dignity I have left. That he would view me as pathetic or weak if he really knew what was going on with me. So there lies the dilemma!

My little nephew is in bed now but I can’t wait to see him in the morning!

My elderly relative passed away the poor thing, but she lived a long long life and it was peaceful. So that has given comfort to her immediate family.

My heart betrayingly wonders if I will hear anything from him on my birthday on Monday. 99.9 per cent chance I won’t – why would I. But hope just won’t give up. Or delusion. I’m gonna try and think of ways to stay distracted this weekend.