Shelby,

Ouch, that card & photo was not needed right now… BUT let’s try to think of any positive here, at least it arrived when you are feeling somewhat disconnected rather than when you are in full on agonising pain! I’m sure the disconnection will make it easier to move swiftly past this tiny bump in the road.

Allow yourself to float in this unknown for now, take each day as it comes, flow right through whatever it is that you are feeling.

Yes indeed it seems my ex is now going all out for some kind of contact from myself. Unfortunately for him that simply is just not good enough right now. You are absolutely right, it is inward work that he needs to do right now. We need this time apart. Flowers, promise rings (which he actually got me for Christmas and I have handed back to him) or any other material things will not cut it this time. Not even his little check up text here or there. He needs to to realise he is a car crash of a person right now and he needs to do his own work, take his life into his own hands to fix that.

I too feel somewhat disconnected today. I’ll be honest when I say that I didn’t really think of him today, only in therapy where he was discussed other than that I don’t really know where the last 10 or so hours have gone. I am thinking a little this evening about myself and how I have lost myself in the process of all this and I realise that maybe actually I don’t give myself enough credit in regards to strength. Thinking back to all of the ups and downs between us the last few months, I realise that although at the time it feels impossible and the end of the world,  I am actually quite good at no contact and getting on with my days UNTIL he reaches out. As long as he stays quiet I get on with things… so it is a real achievement that he has reached out twice and even sent flowers to my house and I have withheld from contact. Well done me. Gotta give yourself a little pat on the back sometimes!

You too need to give yourself a little pat on the back! You’re doing better than you think!

Aaaaaand I spoke too soon again.. absolute moment fast approaching right now. Back to journaling and telling myself aloud that I DO NOT NEED TO TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS!

My mind can’t help but wander back to all of the events and I feel sick to my stomach at it all.

I need to stop thinking.

Shelby – trust me,  there was a time I too thought I’d never be happy again and had pretty much written off ever expecting to. You will though – and if you get through this it gives you huge strength for facing future scary situations – for ages my mantra was, well, if I got through that then I can get through this. It’s actually amazing the difference it made to my life with all kinds of rewarding and exciting opportunities that I’ve said yes to instead of the no I would’ve done if I’d stayed with him. Which is why I’m now bizarrely very grateful to the guy for putting me through it – crazy huh 🙂  Just stick it out, one day at a time, try to enjoy any small thing which makes you smile or laugh, even for a second.

Michelle & Shelby,

Thankfully I didn’t follow through on my feelings last night and remained no contact.

He actually reached out again this morning asking if he could call as he is about to enter his week long assessment. He has always been so career focused and this is the last and biggest assessment he’s going to have to face throughout his career. With everything that’s going on he mentioned last week he is unable to focus and feel’s he will fail anyway and therefore he is considering delaying the assessment but I guess he went for it in the end. I can understand this is super important for him but he needs to do it on his own – so no contact remains.

I can understand why his attempts at contact come across as trying to meet his needs. Also I agree, he is probably in panic mode right now, this is the first time ever where I remained no contact despite his efforts, this is where I fell down many times before! As soon as he reached out it was inevitable that I got back to him and this time it’s not happening so it is only natural he feels panicked but I am simply not ready for a conversation with him right now.

Shelby perhaps this is your bodies way of saying ‘Hey! You’ve been dealing with a lot, let’s rest a little more, let’s look after ourselves a little’. Accept that and take it day by day. It’s all going to fall into place!

Shelby,

Thank you for your kind words. I am really really trying to against my human nature, always trying to be there for people when they’re going through something significant and generally. I feel sad that we have ended up in this place, very sad but I suppose it is literally out of my control right now. I am starting to feel the exhaustion of the whole week now, the lack of sleep is catching up with me too! Even my morning coffee isn’t helping anymore, I’m not able to focus and quite frankly just want to crawl back into my bed so I am counting down the hours until I finish work and will do exactly that!

5K?! That’s incredible! Well done! You’ll feel so much better for it! As for the memorial service, try to be as kind to yourself as possible. I appreciate it will be a difficult day for you but I have faith that you will get through it and I will check back on the forum in case you do want to post and share your thoughts/feelings.

I have made plans with several friends throughout the weekend despite my instinct to withdraw and stay in bed, I need to keep busy to not fall back on myself. I somehow need to tire myself out and get some sort of sleeping pattern back as I have been really struggling with this the last week or so. Hopefully the weekend comes and goes and I’m back at work keeping pre-occupied!

Shelby,

I’m supposed to be going out for drinks with a friend tonight but I may have to pass up on that. The lack of appetite and sleep is definitely taking it’s toll on me now.. Actually a friend at work even asked if I was alright as I look extremely pale and generally unwell.. I think my body’s really just exhausted now.

I’ve gone to get myself an energy drink to keep me going at work and will try to do a little more than just avoiding my screensaver from showing up with the lack of any work actually being done.

As soon as I get home I am going to sleep! And I might even try the insight app.

Shelby,

I am definitely physically exhausted.

I got in from work and straight to bed, managed to get about 30 minutes worth of a nap and woke up shivering. My muscles and bones ache, my head feels heavy and I am currently wrapped in layers under my blankets watching movies. All the symptoms of coming down with a cold/flu except I do not actually feel unwell, I just feel absolutely drained.

I was meant to be meeting a friend tonight for some drinks and have had to bail out on her as I cannot physically get myself out of bed. So bath, movies and sleep for me tonight.

Just in addition, he reached out again asking if we could meet tonight. And then allowed a few hours pass without my response and text again apologising. He said he understands I asked for space to clear my mind and he is sorry for reaching out but as the days between us grow longer and more distant he is missing me more and more and wants to show me that he is fighting for us.

I don’t have energy for this right now. I will deal with that another time.

I hope you’re having a nice evening!