Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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January 18, 2019 at 3:30 pm #275511
Victoria
ParticipantKkasxo, Shelbyville,
One last point I haven’t mentioned is that I have decluttered 80% of my possessions because so much reminds me of the last five years and I also have a theory that if the only thing I own is my Computer and clothing I may actually do more work as there’s less distractions.
My question is how, if you have, discarded the photographs or physical items your ex gifted you? I have made a five year scrapbook which was part of my grieving for the relationship but I have valentines/birthday cards alongside other items that he gifted me that are currently sat in a suitcase out of sight. I still have the photoframe that is full of photos of us (still wrapped up) that had been his christmas present under my bed!
– V
January 18, 2019 at 5:33 pm #275523Shelbyville
ParticipantHi there,
Sorry for delay, my data network was acting up! I’m thinking a lot more about my ex tonight than the past while. But today I tried to recall a memory of being with him that was so vivid a couple of months ago, but I couldn’t focus it. It seemed hazy or foggy. This is obviously what your head does to help you through the grief process. If you last through no contact, the withdrawal starts to ease? I dunno.
I still feel like I’m not doing much with my life atm. Working and sleeping. Seeing friends and family, but nothing to change or improve my life as such. I vary between being so pissed off at him for not knowing what he had, to questioning did he lie about how much he cared for me along. It’s a spinning web!
Victoria,
I agree, going from 100% to nothing is cruel but I guess people the world over have gone through harsh separations like ours and survived, so I’m hoping the sense of loss will ease.
There is nothing you can do about this past week but starting next week, maybe try and start working on self care again. I believe this includes attending lectures, because it’s about your future, your career, your path to freedom in a way. What’s more important than that kind of self love?!
Kkasxo,
Well done on not reaching out, you are doing amazing. I know it still hurts. I know. But there is change…..initially you thought you would never be happy again. Now you admit you probably will be. Breakthrough! Well done. Take each day as it comes.
January 18, 2019 at 7:58 pm #275529Victoria
ParticipantMorning Shelby,
“. If you last through no contact, the withdrawal starts to ease? I dunno.” – Yeah Im sure in time we will all look back and itll be hazy. I too have been overthinking about my ex but I broke the no contact rule which hasnt helped.
” I vary between being so pissed off at him for not knowing what he had, to questioning did he lie about how much he cared for me along. It’s a spinning web!” – thats what ive done this evening, I was ranting to my friend about my ex but I think im trying to find ways in which he was the bad guy to ease my guilt or make it easier to accept its over (which im still in denial about).
“going from 100% to nothing is cruel” – I believe this is his way of having healthy boundries, something I need to work on myself as I continuously allow people to disrespect me or walk all over me as it were then find myself in situations I dont want to be in just because I haven’t spoken out about where the line is with me. But I believe thats because I’m not sure where the line actually is as im a rather chill person and dont want to feel like im constructing walls around me that would mean a relationship would be full of rules, I want relationships to be freeing and spontaneous. idk, something to work on I suppose.
“believe this includes attending lectures, because it’s about your future, your career, your path to freedom in a way. What’s more important than that kind of self love?!” – Yes I agree with this, I lost sight of why I am doing what I am doing for the most of this week and this morning I awoke from a nightmare where I had a confronting argument with my ex which I had wanted to have but we never did because I felt like I was attacking him and trying to change him.
I have actually asked my friend if they would accompany me on a holiday so I will hopefully get to plan that and work towards it.Although I keep demonising people, I am struggling with trust. My mum will allow me to open up then use the info I told her against me so now if I open up to others about serious and personal matters I overthink they will use it to hurt me. Any tips on how I could control this?
I don’t think your ex lied to you, I think you varying in how you feel is a part of this really long process. Have you thought about going on any dating apps or sites? I know there was a short discussion about this a few pages back, I am thinking about going on one just for a bit of a confidence trust, even just friendship.
– V
January 19, 2019 at 1:35 am #275537Shelbyville
ParticipantVictoria,
I had a look on some dating websites on the advice of family, who say it really helps people to move on. But it did not instill me with much faith that I will secure future happiness and I realise I’m just not ready. I still love my ex.
Beware of a wolf in sheeps clothing. You have learned your lesson regarding your mother, choose not to male the same mistake again. You can stay on her good side if you wish to secure financial support, but there is no need to confide in her. Be civil and polite if you want, but no point in choosing to share certain details with her when you KNOW she will use that info to hurt you. Time to get off that hamster wheel.
Did you look into counselling sessions? I think they will really help. You don’t need a specific plan to attend counselling or a specific area to work on, sometimes it really helps to just let it all flow out in a muddled verbal mess! They really can help.
You will go on holidays. You will. Reaffirm this regularly. Affirmations are extremely effective at times. You’re smart and engaging and ambitious, anxiety can’t take that away from you. So start visualising!
January 19, 2019 at 2:03 am #275539Kkasxo
ParticipantGood morning both,
I too had a look at some dating websites a while back, after my friends advised me that it’ll be good to take my mind off things. Honestly, I logged on and off within the space of a few hours. It felt odd, I didn’t want to entertain conversations with these men, I wasn’t and am not ready, my heart still very much belongs to my ex so it felt like a pointless task. My ex on the other hand appears to have found it a useful distraction following our split, so who knows, sometimes it works other times it doesn’t.
Victoria, I think it’s a good idea to plan a holiday and get away for a little while. I did the same back in September and although it was difficult going away without him, I only have happy memories from that holiday. I say difficult because I recall sitting at the airport, my friend had gone to use the loo and for a moment I lost sight of the fact that I am with her and I sat there looking at thousands of faces walking by me and looking for my ex, it was strange, but I did it and got through it.
Boundaries – oh that dreaded word! But it makes all of the difference once you set them! I am practising boundaries with my ex heavy since the no contact began and I am trying to practice those in all aspects of my life right now. I acknowledge that right now I am a work in progress, I need peace and clarity to continue on my healing journey and anything that disrupts that peace I will put a firm boundary that cannot be crossed. It doesn’t mean that you have to be mean or harsh to people, it just means you’re putting your health and well being first and that is super important!
I’ve only just woken up not that long ago so I don’t feel anything as of yet.. let’s see how the rest of the day goes!
January 19, 2019 at 3:59 am #275545Shelbyville
ParticipantKkasxo,
Well done on the boundaries, excellent approach!im getting ready to head away with my sister but definitely the feelings are coming back, or as I said before hormone related- so maybe just amplified for the next week or so.
I had a terrible nights sleep again and I definitely have to speak to my therapist about sorting that out because it’s not sustainable long term.
I am also going to limit my online activity to tiny Buddha this weekend and see if it helps the twitch in my eye and the craziness in my head!!
January 19, 2019 at 4:10 am #275547Kkasxo
ParticipantShelby,
Yes it’s my rational self trying to justify the need for no contact – boundaries! It’s working so far so I’m going with it hehe.
I struggled with my sleep for the past three weeks or so also, I think it’s something that just passes. Although one of the days I made myself get up super early and it kind of brought my sleeping pattern back to normality, kind of. So maybe try that?
Bless you! The up and down is so exhausting isn’t it?! I’ve been checking up on my ex on social media but that’s about as far as it has gone today. I don’t feel too terrible yet.. although it could all change!
I hope you enjoy your weekend with your sister and hopefully it keeps your mind off things!
January 19, 2019 at 10:36 am #275605Shelbyville
ParticipantKkasxo,
We have had such a lovely day and my sister keeps saying that she is having the best time, just remembering what it’s like to do things without a toddler hanging off her! The hotel is absolutely fabulous too so we’re lounging!
I know I would always be on social media if my ex had some, but he doesn’t. He even covers the camera on his iPad and computer with tape….he’s THAT private!!! Maybe I’m better off this way.
I’m remembering the weekend we spent on this hotel together and he admitted it was the best place he’s ever stayed. But I do remember a few disappointing moments too during that weekend when we had to leave early on the last day because he wanted to get back to help his parents!
My sister is taking a nap now before dinner so I might try meditation. I’m looking forward to the morning as we’re by the sea and I might get a fresh brisk walk in.
How are you doing this evening?
January 19, 2019 at 1:33 pm #275677Victoria
ParticipantShelby,
In terms of the dating website stuff last night I was feeling lonely because I knew my ex was out and I was just sitting in. At times I do find myself forgetting that I want to stay in, in fact theres so many things that come with not being in a relationship that I enjoy but the comfort of a relationship can haunt me some nights, especially when I used to skype him a lot on an evening.I have an appointment booked for 1st Feb, I wanted to give myself some time to assess how I am doing and maybe for things to improve before I go and see a professional, I would like to go and be like I specifically would like to work on my anxiety which is getting in the way of socialising etc rather than just going along and venting about ten things at once (although i am sure that will happen regardless).
I think boundries with my mum will come in time, I do find that she does say generic things that are nice to hear which then make my brain go “oh she’s talking sense” but then I will replay the conversation and realise the tone at times is accusing or that actually when I got off the phone I spiralled into being unfocused and self-doubt. I have noticed recently that she is giving me directions that literally are telling me what to do, this may seem harmless but she is telling me things I already know and am doing, so instead of asking “hows studying going?” she is saying “when you have nothing else going on study”, now I understand that as a parent sometimes you may not be sure what to say but I don’t appreciate feeling like I am being told what to do like I am a child. Although i am aware my inner child could be coming out and being resentful of being told what to do etc so I could easily be overreacting.
I am going to write a do’s and don’t list before I pick up the phone next time, for example, keep it brief and dont give loads of detail away because the more detail I give I feel like I am almost giving my identity to someone to mould. I am unsure if that makes sense.
Today I had a lovely chat with a friend and a guy that has been a good friend to me over the past few years about going away to Spain. We don’t have a lot of money but our mental health definately needs it, it also gives me that extra motivation to apply to jobs when I don’t want to.
Many people are glad that we have 5 months out of the year as holiday from University but I find it ludicrious as I am now trying to build myself a temp solution for 5 months in a short time period. Again, I have enquired with my friend weather I could live with her. I am basically putting it out there because even if they decide they dont want to live with me at least they could possibly support me finding a place to live.
I have actually had a weird day, last night I dreamt about my first ever boyfriend which was strange and then I actually got some University work done which again instilled into me how productive I can be if I just get started with it. Yesterday I was rattled with guilt but today I got a lot off my chest and feel a bit more in control and put myself first. Its interesting I never saw doing uni work as self-love.
In terms of the twitch in your eye that could be due to concentration and staring at screens, do you where glasses?
How has your day been?
– V
January 19, 2019 at 1:45 pm #275683Victoria
ParticipantKkasxo,
I may try going online in a few weeks, possibly in my birthday month. It is crazy to think that it is nearly a year since I instigated a split from my boyfriend, which means I have put myself on this up/down rollercoaster for months for no good reason. I suppose its a life lesson to know when to walk away.I used to believe I had boundaries and to some degree I did, but its almost with hurt and time they have been removed, or more likely my family have no respected my privacy and therefore I don’t know what healthy boundries are or at least I know what they are but I do not know how to stick to them.
Then on top of that I am not even sure of my own boundaries as some come with life experience, for example, due to sexual experiences I know what boundaries I have and will tell the person what I will tolerate and what I will not, but that has come with some trial and error, and situations that have not been respectful.
I went down the social media stalking rabbit hole earlier, my ex does not use social media much but as I knew who he was out with I looked at theres. I didn’t find anything useful, i’m not even sure what I was looking for. I think calling him my ex is becoming more familiar which is a start.
I thought we could be civil and at least maybe keep some sort of “how are you” like some couples do after they divorce, although I have found that is easy if the love had completely gone so maybe I will reframe from messaging him as it doesnt help. I remember that last time when it got to two weeks that, again, was the point I stared to miss him and want contact again.
I am trying to find the lesson at the moment, something positive to take away from it and possibly something I can take into future connections.
– V
January 19, 2019 at 1:48 pm #275685Victoria
ParticipantShelby,
spending time with your sister sounds so fun! Also I relate to being in a place where you and an ex where before, its strange because it feels so familiar yet a lifetime away.
Have an amazing time!
– V
January 20, 2019 at 1:43 am #275723Shelbyville
ParticipantHi there,
We’re having such a lovely time. I get such a sense of fulfilment when I see people I love happy! She is enjoying the rest and the break so much!
I do wear glasses Victoria, just for computer work, but perhaps I need to start wearing them while on the phone. My screen time has definitely increased since the breakup too. So another downside of the breakup- an eye twitch!!!!
Well done and trying to remember your boundaries with your Mum. It doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and practice- see Kkasxo! But keep at it and soon it’ll be a habit for you.
I definitely think working towards the career you want is self love- perhaps something I should practice myself. But set the intention of catching up on schoolwork this week and really throwing yourself into finding a part time job!
As for your ex, maybe try blocking him on social media, just for one week and see does the lack of contact help with the withdrawal?
January 20, 2019 at 8:55 am #275745Shelbyville
ParticipantHi there,
Im back from the mini break and so much for acceptance of moving on! The feelings are back in full flow again this evening. It’s so weird how they do that- switch completely off sometimes and no idea why and then come back again.
Im sad, I miss my ex and due to hormones (im guessing) have reverted to imagining all the torturous ways I can be hurt by him moving on……usually with someone else as part of my imaginings.
It flipping sucks!
January 20, 2019 at 10:13 am #275767Kkasxo
ParticipantEvening ladies,
I have managed to catch up briefly on the previous posts so will just do a general reply.
Victoria – focusing on your uni work is most definitely self-love. You are working towards creating a better and fulfilling future for yourself, that in itself is incredible! In times where you feel you may not have much to do (I know I get like that when away from my ex, suddenly I have so much spare time) try to do something productive, like your uni work! It’ll be a good distraction and also help you out in the long run! Also, the boundaries thing is incredibly difficult. In all honesty, as with your mum, you will probably back track more times than you can count but you’ve just gotta make the promise to yourself that even if you do, you’ll go right back to trying again. All we can do is try.
Shelby – I’m so glad that you enjoyed your well deserved weekend with your sister! I’m sorry to hear that the feelings are back and the intensity of them aren’t helping! I’m right there with ya. I decided to hang out with some friends yesterday, friends that I have been putting off seeing for many many weeks because of anxiety, I thought no! I have to get myself out of the house even for a few hours! Long story short, I had two drinks and felt extremely sick straight after so left to make my way home. I felt so terrible on my way home, ended up puking everywhere, may I just add I was not at all drunk or even close, clearly just my body did not appreciate the alcohol intake at all, and reverted to contacting my ex! Bummer yet again!!!!! He was a gentleman and looked after me the whole night while I shivered and felt nauseous but today, today I am disappointed with myself yet again. It’s like I take 3 steps forward and 5 steps back! Honestly! I have no idea what I’m doing anymore!
January 20, 2019 at 2:00 pm #275841Shelbyville
ParticipantKkasxo,
Well now…..if I fell suddenly ill like that, I think I would contact him too. It’s at your weakest and most vulnerable, of course you’d naturally want someone to look after you. Do not be angry at yourself. You’re doing the best you can right? Who is anyone to say it’s the wrong move? Maybe there are no wrong moves? I’ve been thinking when people talk about ‘the process’….that it’s one particular specific process and everyone makes their way through it. But actually now I’m thinking ‘the process’ is probably different for every single human being.
In other words, you’re doing your best. No more criticising yourself. It’s not a step back, it’s just another step in the process, whichever way it goes.
I’m on the floor tonight. I’m so very very sad. So I went to the cinema with that guy from my ancient past I once had a sort of romantic encounter with. I thought we both know it’s just as friends and I’ve been to see films with a few male mates and it’s totally cool. It was not this evening. He a lovely guy but I felt really uncomfortable. I just didn’t want to be there. I felt he leaned a little too close towards my side in the cinema, but that could have been my imagination.
At one point he merely placed his hand on his own knee and it reminded me of my ex when he would always have his hand on my knee, in cinema, driving, watching tv…and I had to fight back tears…..then I felt like throwing up and I just wanted the film to end.
I’m back to feeling like my ex genuinely was the one and I’ll never ever meet anyone who comes close again.
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