Michelle – Yes, I am ever so grateful for the reprieve! The thing with triggers is that I can probably identify them at this point but it still doesn’t stop the spiral from actually happening as it is quite a fast process. Each time it got me it has been within minutes, literally and before I know it I’m completely down in the gutter. Although yes, the first time it ever happened it lasted a good few days, the one I experienced on Monday lasted maybe a total of 14/15 hours, so I suppose there is some progress in that? I think I may try to bring in some more routine to my days though and try to get into the habits of doing certain things which in the long run will be good for me, it makes sense so it is worth a try!

Shelby – You are so extremely brave for sharing that with me, honestly, I know it is a lot and I am thankful. It makes me feel slightly more at ease as I can honestly say on Monday I genuinely thought that perhaps I need to be locked away for a little while. The thought alone terrified me but I needed to escape my reality there and then and it crossed my mind. I genuinely accepted that I have become someone who is mentally unstable and requires serious professional help, major pill to swallow. But today I am doing okay-ish and no longer at absolute rock bottom so I know at the time it was just my fear/spiral taking over. I think you’re right in mentioning that I have been hit with a big one, my trauma, the loss of my job at the time, the relationship, it all added into a complete existential crisis. In a nut shell, the life I had built for myself up until this point vanished, was taken away from me within moments. Everything that I had built, believed in or knew about myself was no longer applicable. Since then, I have tried my hardest to re-build my life from scratch, get to know myself as the woman who has experienced these things and it has been one hell of a ride, I do believe I am still very much at the beginning of my journey.

Also, the fact that you say you’re not getting back with your ex only because he doesn’t want to does not take away from you your strength. Because you are strong, whether you can see that right now or not. You have progressed immensely since the beginning of your journey, you really have. And it is okay to still want to contact him, or to still hold hope, or to still feel sad. Remember we said each of our journeys are all individual and it will all make sense eventually? I mean lets put it this way, can you honestly say you feel as rubbish as you felt on day 1?

Shelby,

I completely get that ‘what are we doing?!’. I really do, because often I find myself asking the same questions. Every day away from my ex is such a waste and what is even the point because ultimately we are going to be together anyway so why waste time? That’s my thought process. Also, yes you are able to recognise serious problems within your relationship, that ultimately you wouldn’t be happy as your needs for progress aren’t being met but I think the difficult thing here is that those are all things that could change, realistically there is a possibility for change even if he says there isn’t. Ultimately, if you had to part because of a final reason such as an illness, or I don’t know lets say difference in religion, whatever it may be, it’s kind of easier to deal with. Him saying ‘Hey I love you, you are absolutely the one, everything feels right for you but I am just not cut out for a relationship’ is simply not good enough. And not good enough for your brain to process because WHAT IF?! What if he changes his mind and I have moved on? What if he realises when it’s too late? Should I just hold on a little longer just in case? Maybe he’s confused? He says I’m the one and that he loves me.. That’s how I would think of it anyway.

I’ve just come in from my blood tests. I am absolutely sh*t scared of those but I know it needed to be done. I normally have someone with me, my ex, who offered to come and even appeared at my house apparently to take me but I was already gone and I decided it was best to ignore his phone calls/texts. I went on my own and actually saw his car drive by as I was leaving the hospital, but I don’t think he saw me. The blood test was tough. The last time I had bloods taken was back in June, such a trauma trigger for me so I sat there with my heart pounding and tears in my eyes. Now I just feel a deep deep sadness and literally the hours can’t pass quick enough, I just want this day to end.

Where did you go today? Anywhere nice?

Morning both. Hmm, so I can see why that quote appealed to you but it’s not something I would personally agree with at all. All of us have way more control than we think on how we respond and deal with the various challenges and ups/downs that the universe throws at us.  It’s a conscious choice. There is never a perfect time for anything, it’s all about balancing the risk/reward, jumping, trusting, hoping, dealing. The more you do it, the easier it becomes each time. The first time is the hardest. Dealing with the same event, some people choose happiness, some don’t, I have seen both happen in people I know and love.  I have also seen very good friends give up their lives to this continuous analytical cycle and not be able to break free and move on, at great cost to their future happiness.  Very little is black & white in this world to give the kind of certainty you are are looking for. It just doesn’t exist and one of the hardest lessons is learning to accept that and yet still hope, trust, plan to the kind of future you want to have.  It is one the universe constantly throws at me for sure.

Shelby – I understand why you want to rule out all the What If’s and have a concrete reason that no longer needs debating in your head.  But I don’t think it exists and if you continue on that path it will drive you both mad with questioning and use your precious energy on something that is not going to add any value to your life.  The brain quickly becomes programmed to run down such familiar rat-holes as you know.  Sometimes, to deal with the thorn, it is worth looking at events with a fresh, less emotional, perspective. From what I understand, this guy hasn’t reached out to you in all this time without your prompting. I would say it’s pretty clear he’s decided you/a relationship isn’t worth the pain/effort he would have to face to have it. And that sucks. But it is also what it is. Constantly trying to figure out why and if there was/is anything you could do to change his mind is helping no-one, least of all you. You are worth fighting for. You know that, it’s why you decided enough was enough of going nowhere with this guy.  He has decided you are not worth fighting for and that’s his loss – don’t make it yours too. I think you would have struggled to be happy with a man long-term who reacted to challenges in such a way. You honestly can and will be happy – you just have to fight to open your heart, not romantically but to at least hoping if not yet believing in a happier future. What you focus your attention on is what becomes prominent in your life.  Choose to focus your attention on happiness and creating the kind of future you want, it’s worth your attention way more than pondering the past. Remember, your choice, your consequences, do different and be different. You have come a long way already.

Kkasxo – you are dealing with a hellover a lot. It is going to take time, way more time than you will like. You are not losing your mind – it is full to bursting with everything it needs to process and can only handle so much at at a time, which is why it will take both time and effort to work through and emerge the other side.  You are going to have to deal with handling uncertainty, which you will hate, I can tell.  Yes, the future is unknown and it is scary – but it is also exciting and full of possibilities, despite how it feels at times. The only thing we can control is how we respond to what life throws at us. A future with your ex has as much uncertainty as a future without him in it. Yes, it felt safe, cosy, loving and you were happy but anyone can get hit by the proverbial bus, affairs happen, unhappy marriages happen, life happens. We all hope and plan for the best, accepting these risks and invest our time and effort in our relationships to increase the positive outcomes, managing the negative ones as best we can. Relationships are not unconditional love like parents are ( should be.. ). There are no guaranteed happy ever afters in anything. You don’t know it yet but being able to deal with the worst and coming out the other side gives you such amazing strength to face your future with hope, knowing you have survived and could do again if you had to. It will be a journey, be patient and kind on yourself but know that you can do this and you are not alone.

I know this may come across as less understanding but I hope you read these thoughts as intended – a different honest perspective hoping to help you both break free from the cycles I can see you are stuck in. I wish you nothing but the best and trust you will find your way through. I look forwards to hearing in Oct how awesome you both are 🙂

Ah Shelby – sending you the biggest hug right now. I was worried about writing that post but just felt it had to be done – and that reaction is exactly why I know you are going to be ok and come through this to a better place. Having the strength to face the truth and deal with it is the only way to really pull that thorn out and stop it being a pain in your side the rest of your life. You absolutely should be mad and sad and you will probably switch between both for a while yet, I know I did.  Yeah, the plateau stage…it was…not inspiring….it passed too, eventually. A bit like exercising, you just have to keep plugging away, knowing that eventually things will shift again and you will realise you have progressed further.  I absolutely thought I’d never have that kind of intense relationship again, being able to share everything with other and being so close but I was wrong – and now I have something so much better which I would never ever ever have believed.  Just do your best to hope, look forwards and enjoy what is good in your life each day best you can. That person who could travel by themselves to Africa & US is still in there – she’s just taken a huge knock and needs a bit of help getting back up.

Btw – huge kudos on the travelling alone…I fell in love with South Africa recently, awesome place..off for my first ever trip to Asia soon which should test my comfort zone nicely…. Yeah, I do love Norfolk, it was worth the stupid long commute into London for work for sure. It’s not exactly Downton Abbey but it is pretty, calm and allegedly the sunniest place in the UK now. And affordable 🙂

Well, you know yourself best for sure and I understand what you mean. People often think I’m this amazing confident women because of the stuff I take on but they have no idea how hard fought it has been to get here and often still is to leap. They usually say something like ‘oh but you make it look so easy!!! ‘.

It’s interesting though – like Kkasxo said a while back, if you read back to both your early posts, the difference is huge, obvious.  But I get that admitting you have improved is tantamount to saying you have moved on, just a little. And I wouldn’t be surprised if that triggers an immediate need to leap backwards as your brain tries desperately to persuade you to revert to it’s old comfort zone and forget about why it wasn’t good for you.   Knowing something and feeling it is as different as just wanting something or actually needing it. Yeah, I get what you mean all too well. I went through a serious health scare recently and ‘knowing’ that the odds were stacked in my favour, way too young, no family history etc etc did very little to help me ‘feel’ that I was going to be ok, to stop the panic and dark thought circles that I’d get into if I stayed unoccupied for too long. All is good now thankfully and bizarrely I’m now grateful for even that experience as it retaught me to appreciate my health and making the most of life etc.

Time away in the sun is good for anybody this time of year – yeah, you won’t escape your brain but it’s often amazing how being somewhere warm & sunny with something chilled in your hand helps it all feel better! I felt really really strange the first time I went away without my ex with a friend but I still had a good time.

Wanting to contact him again is different to needing to.  If you think you are in a different enough place yourself to get a different outcome and you want to, then go for it – it’s your choice after all! Honestly, the contact with my ex was the reality slap in the face I needed to move on. But everybody’s path is different and if you want to try one more time, ofcourse you can. I would say try to look deep and make sure the desire is driven by positive thoughts ( I’ve changed, I’m stronger, he’s willing to do what it takes etc ) and not negative/fear thoughts ( I’ll never meet anybody else like him, my life will never be happy again etc ). Make any sense??!

Kkasxo – hope you’re still ok this morning, I’ll leave you guys in peace now..