Morning all,

To some extent I agree with Michelle, although I don’t doubt that you love your ex Shelby. From an outsiders point of view I can completely understand what Michelle is saying about the ‘need’ for him in your life to create a sense of safety, that comfort zone fuelling your hope for a future and that things will change etc. I get that. Although trying to apply that theory to my own self is where it gets difficult, I think the term ‘easier said than done’ applies here. It is very easy to be able to give you or anyone amazing and constructive advice, but doing the same myself? Well that’s difficult – so I’m right there with you.

IF/SHOULD you proceed with getting back with your ex I don’t doubt that people will be upset or advise you against it or even angry with you, I’ve actually recently to experienced that myself although not directly as my circumstances are way above and beyond more than just my ex, he is only a tiny part of this mess at this point. BUT yes nonetheless it is not nice to hear, even if I know there is a lot of truth to what they’re saying.

Just to maybe give you girls a clearer view of my life right now, I am floating, floating in all aspects of my life including my ex. ‘Passing time’ in autopilot mode so to speak. So he is kinda here, but kinda also not here if that makes any sense at all. He IS trying his best to understand, assist me in my healing and even make future-ish plans such as moving out in June – WOAH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? But…. words are easy right? Although the moving thing has come into conversation some two weeks ago he is still yet to break the news to his family… Haha and the old patterns return! I guess what I’m trying to say Shelby is that from experience so far I can assure you, nothing changes. Nonetheless, if that is what makes you happy then you do what is completely and absolutely right for you! I’ll be standing right behind you all the way 🙂

Shelby,

If I’m honest no, I don’t feel like doing anything at all, ever. I do what I have to do i.e go to work. Other than that, no. My life is an absolute mess and I just don’t know how to get myself out anymore.

Shelby,

No darling, honestly you girls do more than enough by choosing to communicate with me as I realise I am not great company or can’t provide much constructive input right now! It means the world to me that I still have the option to continue communicating with you all – you all feel like a little online family to me!

What is the deal now with your ex? How was the situation left/how is it going since the fishing day? Are you guys communicating etc?

Michelle,

Your little adventure sounds incredible! Honestly I absolutely love exploring new cultures and even more so recently I’ve really started to enjoy time outdoors and in nature so I know I would really love a trip like this myself! I’m glad you keep us updated so I can at least imagine it in my mind!

Yes, absolutely to the ‘I’ll believe it when I see it’ 100%. My ex has a thing for saying all the right things, something I learnt or at least acknowledged only after our break up. The sad part is that he actually doesn’t mean harm and he actually manages to even convince his own self that that is what he wants.. until push comes to shove of course and then panic sets in! So yes, the moving out comments are discarded at this point.. I’ll believe it when or rather IF we are sitting on OUR sofa in OUR flat. But I’m not betting on it and continuing my search on my own.

Regarding work, yes it appears the next contract will be up in St Albans which is only a short drive from London anyway but nonetheless will be lovely to get out of the everyday rat race here. I’m thinking of looking for a property around there to be closer to work. Don’t get me wrong it’s terrifying, it really is. At this point I am so panicky knowing that my family are due to leave the country in the next 3/4 months and I will be left here on my own. I knew this day was coming from a while ago but obviously my life looked different at the time, I had a settled and loving partner who I thought would hold my hand through this. Now I am a general mess with a complete lack of sense of self, barely managing to look after myself + with the added financial stress of having to do this on my own + the idea of moving up there to not only be away from family but also from friends – it’s hard. One minute I want to get away and think it’s a great idea and the next I’m like OMG IM SO ALONE IN ALL THIS AND I AM TERRIFIED!

Morning both. So yesterday’s adventures had an 18-armed giant ( and I mean huge ) Buddha statue with each arm holding something different and presumably meaningful but couldn’t work them all out….one object really looked like a pizza cutter though…….hmm……hungry Buddha…?! I’m not religious as you can tell but do work hard to not be disrespectful of others beliefs and customs – but some tourists here are truly awful though, not covering up, shouting loudly in the meditation zones etc. Such a shame.  So then headed out on a long hike to a lonely beach bar, which was way more peaceful!

Kkasxo – loved hearing you are enjoying getting out in nature more – there really is nothing quite as restorative for me. The snowdrops must be gone by now and into daffodils and crocuses there I guess now? Does sound like you would love it here then – full of pretty birds and flowers – amazing colours everywhere. Often if I had a rough time at work I’d head out for laps round the park until calm again!  Yes, it is sad how genuinely people like your ex mean what they say totally and just as totally fail to realise that they aren’t truly committed to it when push comes to shove. I think you do just reach a point you are actually kind of sorry for them instead of angry/disappointed. Hard not to lose respect for them too I think.

I’m not surprised you are panicking. It would be a big deal to have (all?) your family leave the country even if you were not dealing with your trauma, break-up confusion and were settled in your own home somewhere already. So it’s a lot of change at once to work through but that’s what you can and will do, work through it bit by bit. Like a plan for anything, prioritise what needs to be done first and tackle that before moving on and thinking about the next step, else it can very quickly get overwhelming and you do nothing ( been there! ).  From a practical perspective, do you have your own budget sorted? As in do you know what you can and can’t financially afford in terms of somewhere to live and areas that fit the bill. St Alban’s is pretty nice – have you thought about looking for a flat/house share there?  It could help both financially as well as being a half-way house of your own space but also company in the new area.  It’s actually what I did when I moved out from my short stay at my parents after ending up homeless and broke from splitting with my ex ( I did have a lovely set of saucepans though so not all bad……!! ). Worked well whilst I saved up for a deposit on buying my own home and might work for you whilst you see how it shapes up with your ex or not later down the road. I do think you are wise not to rely on him committing to moving out in the time-span you have. Better to get yourself sorted out, reduce some of the uncertainty since you have more than enough to deal with and then see.  Happy to help with plans if I can, it’s kinda my thing as you can probably tell……!

Shelby m’dear. That is a week and a half for sure. It’s actually my step-uncle’s funeral today and whilst we were not close, it’s yet another reminder to me to make the most of the time we have, as it can all too quickly be taken away from us unexpectedly. Your friend & her husband must be struggling to cope right now for sure. Perhaps it’s a good time to look more seriously at booking your trip away. Do you have another meet-up planned?  If you have the appetite for yet another self-help book, one I found really useful was Steven Covey’s Seven Habits for Effective People, plus some of the related ones.  It really breaks things down into simple and annoyingly obvious yet impactful ways to help manage through, think you might find it helpful – once you have some free time/space away to get to it….hang in there.

Morning all…another sunny day here, currently watching some sugar-birds battling it out to own one of the banana trees whilst having our morning tea/coffee – very entertaining to watch them trying to be ferocious given how small and cute they are….

Kkasxo – ha,yeah, hadn’t twigged but yep, it is funny to be surrounded by huge Buddha’s here and then catch up with you all on here! And yup, I’ve been through the sh** mill a fair few times, which is why I know there’s hope for everyone once they are ready to reach for it. Either with or without saucepans as I’m pretty sure they weren’t exactly an integral part of my healing, even if they were at least a decent set 😉  Seriously though,  I’m actually impressed you know you don’t want to move in with your ex at his family’s house, I can see how it would have been an easy short-term option for you to take, even with the difficult history. But not one I think would be especially helpful or healthy long-term for you, so well done. Even if tight, at least knowing what options your finances give you is one thing dealt with, done.  I would think about setting yourself a time limit on finding somewhere – perhaps aim to take the best place you can find in your budget by end May, so as you can be at least a little settled before your family leave, something like that?

I loved your quote – that one is just so true to me. Pretty much all pain is caused by fighting reality, wanting it to be different. Every single time that I’ve stopped fighting reality and worked with dealing with it instead, things have started to improve. To me, it doesn’t mean giving up or just letting life happen to you but learning to tell the difference between what you can change and what you can’t. Coveys circle of influence is a very practical example of this but it’s just the same with emotions, people. And it is amazing what happens in your life the more you practice it.

Shelby – NZ & Australia…..awesome! But with only a zillion anxiety attacks….you really must try harder 😉  Again, seriously though,  I think it’s great you will plan it out for either with or without your ex and I really hope you make it as travel is such a great perspective changer and a great way to look forwards, not backwards.  Btw, I think the Canaries are cool if you stick to the non Blackpool areas – did a house-sit on El Hierro last year and hiked round La Gomera & North Tenerife year before that, all wonderful.  Do you mean you will quit your job to go travel when you say finish?? That sounds a big step for you?  I’m happy to hear you are at least adopting a more realistic attitude with your ex, waiting to see what he actually does, keeping that mind open.

And hey Griff.  All voices welcome from my perspective, both male and female. I know exactly how rough that feels – it wasn’t until I discovered my ex was in a new relationship that it really hit home for me either that it was over, done. And it was exactly like feeling the break-up was new again, no way round it. In some ways whilst it’s awful it’s also helpful trust me, as it means there is no other choice but to deal with the pain and accept it, but it takes time, a lot of time and trying to hope, to look forwards even when feeling totally lost. You can see the struggles Shelby & Kkasxo have here in not having that same kind of relationship ending.  And you will doubtlessly spend ages circling round trying to understand ‘why’, why did they suddenly change, what went ‘wrong’, what can you do to change it . And the horrible answer is that it really doesn’t matter why and there is nothing you can do to change it. The only way I know through is to look after yourself as best as you can, eat healthy, exercise, make the effort to see friends and family, especially those patient enough to listen many times but also to drag you out from wallowing when the time is right.  You will get a lot of support from this forum I’m sure, many people have been through it and there is an end to the pain as you work through it. Take care and feel free to share whatever you need to, whatever helps.

I’ll be travelling next couple days so will be a bit more hit/miss on the wi-fi for a while, take care all.