March 8, 2019 at 1:55 am #283615
Good morning all,
Shelby – yes perhaps I will re-think the house/flat share situation. I guess it would be easier on me financially so that way I could prevent any more unnecessary stress.. who knows! Regarding your ex, although we can be understanding that his father has fallen ill, lets be honest here, this isn’t the first time he has had other commitments right? Sounds to me like not much has changed in terms of his family relations.. that is a red flag. Nonetheless, one I would probably ignore in my instance as I seem to be all about ignoring red flags and gut feelings even until this day, out of stupidity? Who knows!
Michelle – That is exactly it. I need to try my best to live in the here and now and the circumstances I am currently faced with rather than the what if’s of what could or should potentially happen. Potential isn’t going to give me a roof over my head or a happy life right?! It’s just had because I really do feel this is a major next step in my life and feel very alone in this.
Griff – Welcome! Everyone is always welcome 🙂 I’ve read your post here and would just like to drop in some insight from the experience of a woman who has those exact same wants and needs (marriage, family, children, home) and also has had those ignored for nearly 4 years because ‘he is not in a rush’. I must admit, there is only so much a person can live off ‘hope’ that one day something is going to happen without any action in the day in/day out to work towards it. It sounds to me like your girlfriend just got fed up of the waiting game, sort of where I am at right now.. It is all well and good to say that NOW you are ready, but perhaps she’s just outgrown the idea of waiting on you to ever be.. It is just my opinion and obviously one that comes from a similar experience, I could be totally wrong! Nonetheless, I am sorry that you’re having to go through this and hurt!March 8, 2019 at 5:25 am #283649
Thanks for the kind welcome, all :).
Michelle – I was saying something similar to my flatmate yesterday. Maybe it’s a good thing in a way, maybe it’s the kick up the arse I need to really accept things and move on. But even though I know that logically, it certainly doesn’t feel like it, all I want right now is for this pain to be gone.
Kkasxo – Yea I guess I can understand that, what I don’t understand though is why it was when I’d come to the conclusion that I did want the same things she did and we’d come up with a plan that she called it off. I can understand her not wanting to wait any more but the waiting was over at that point. What I should also point out is that we’re both young(ish), I was 21 when we met with her being a year older at 22, then we were 27/28 when we decided to get married and subsequently broke up. So, of course everyone is different, but to me that seems like a reasonable time frame. However, regardless of me trying to justify things like that I suppose it’s certainly possible that at some point she’d given up on waiting and sorta started to move on, and it wasn’t until we got engaged that she realised it. Whatever the reason I don’t think I’m ever going to get my head around it really, which sucks as I’ve always been someone who can accept things better when I understand them.
March 8, 2019 at 6:24 am #283661
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Griff.
Hey Griff – yeah ,I know, I remember all too well. All the sensible/logical things are great and they help the head but don’t take away the raw pain of dealing with loss, rejection. It just sucks for lack of a better word and there are no short cuts through the pain – but there is an end and it is does get better if you hang on to wanting a good future for yourself and cling to staying open to you can have it.
If I were to hazard my 2p worth, I’d guess it was bizarrely you guys finally getting ‘serious’ that ended things from her perspective. I’ve known many people say they want something and when offered it, then realise actually they don’t want it after all – which is why you guys trundled along fine until a crunch point of “is this really my forever” etc. It has a way of focusing minds into either a resounding ‘yes’ or else into a ‘actually, I’m not really ready and now that I’m forced to think about it, you aren’t who I picture this with if I did want it’. Rightly or wrongly, it sadly doesn’t matter.
To use Kkasxo’s great quote – accepting reality is the biggest thing – she has for whatever daft/amazing/stupid/brilliant (you get the idea of different perspectives I hope…) decided on a future without you in it. At least you have learned more about what you do want out of life now – which has great value by itself. Trust me, in the long run – you will appreciate her honesty in leaving than in staying together in an eventually unhappy relationship. It just won’t feel that way for a while. Make the most of those friends around you, they are invaluable.
Hey Kkasxo – absolutely!!! One of my old boss’s had a perfect expression for it – ” hope is not a strategy or a plan”. So whilst absolutely, if you still love this ex guy then ofcourse you hope that maybe at some point you will end up back happy together on your own sofa in your own place being happy together. In the meantime though, you deal with reality and get yourself a home sorted. A flat/house share or your own place is not a “forever until you die” choice……very few such choices are……..but it takes out one high priority concern you need to tackle. Then it’s on to the next. And so on and so on. One thing at a time, based on the best we know at the time.
Seriously, most of the stuff I have done with my life so far I would never have imagined being capable or confident enough to do – but I am not special or amazing, it’s just being able to do one thing at a time, moving forwards with things that I know helps towards my overall goals. And you are right, I’m just so happy now, life can be truly absolutely amazing as well as s**t – just stay open to that hope, if nothing else, and move forwards.March 8, 2019 at 8:26 am #283673
Griff – Sounds fairly similar to my situation with my ex. He was 20 and I was 21 when we had gotten together so the age difference is the same and I can quite openly say that there is quite a distinct difference in maturity levels now at this point four years later.. Of course it may or may not be what I suggested or it may not, I am simply trying to make sense of things using my own experiences as they are similar. By the sounds of things you will never truly know as she did not offer you an explanation, which I think probably wasn’t fair having spent so many years together. I know too well what it’s like to find yourself questioning everything with no real answers, its horrible so I’m sorry you’re having to go through that!
Michelle – Exactly that! I have to deal with the here and now, the rest will come in time! And that is exactly what I plan to do, so I will keep looking for my flat/flat share and just have to dive into it no matter how terrifying! One thing at a time!March 9, 2019 at 8:59 am #283809
Michelle – Thank you for that, I guess that’s exactly what happened: we got to that crunch point, I decided on a resounding ‘yes’ and unfortunately she went the other way. And yea it’s good that I know what I want now, I just can’t imagine at the moment having it with anyone but her, but I suppose that’s probably to be expected right now.
Kkasxo – Yea that’s a good point, I’ve often heard that women mature faster than men anyway and if you throw in the woman being one year older then I can definitely see how that would become an issue. But then I keep coming back to why did she spend those years waiting for me to be what she wanted then break up with me at the point that I started to become it? But I suppose that relates back to Michelle’s point that for whatever reason when it got to the “ok this is serious now” point she realised she didn’t want it. And I guess that’s the part I’ll never get an explanation for, and (based on the few conversations I’ve had with her since) I don’t think she even knows the reason herself, other than “it wasn’t right”.
I’d also like to add, for anyone who comes across this, I’ve found the app ‘Headspace’ very helpful. It’s created by a guy who used to be a Buddhist monk but he realised that lots of people wanted to learn meditation without the religious aspect. It just gives you daily exercises to practice meditation/mindfulness. Unfortunately for me it was actually my ex who put me on to it so I stopped doing it after we broke up as it reminded me too much of her, but I’ve gotten back into it recently and I’ve found that the ‘grief’ sessions on there are really helpful for what I’m going through and the regular sessions had been helping my anxieties greatly before I stopped.March 10, 2019 at 9:22 am #283953
Sorry for the absence, honestly I cannot find enough hours in the day. You guys know the ups and downs of the past week with family and friends and then I was told last Thurs that I have an exam for my course next Tuesday and also I was called in to work today (Sun) due to exceptional circumstances, so my life is 0 to 90 at the moment.
Griff, welcome. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s so heartbreaking when love doesn’t work out. I know exactly where you are right now. I wish there was anything I could say to make you feel even a slight bit better but I don’t think there is. You’re heartbroken and you just need to survive. Moving on and all that stuff will come later down the road. Just accept where you are now and do your best to survive. We are all here for you on this forum, which has been a life saver for me, just to rant and not face any judgement!
Well done- focus on what is right in front of you now, nothing too much more. So your living situation is your biggest concern at the moment, so let’s see if we can sort that in the coming couple of weeks. The other stuff will still be there. Perhaps make a pros and cons list in terms of location first and then let that lead you to decide a location. From there, perhaps take a look at house shares and see what you are willing to put up with! Let me know if I can help with research in any way!
You should write a book! You’re descriptive explanations really create a wonderful image in my mind’s eye. I sincerely want to travel where you are or have been now! I certainly don’t like touristy areas really or lager louts on tour, but the canaries is a good option for winter sun. We used always steer clear of main thoroughfares. I have really wanted to see La Gomera actually because so few people venture to that island and I think it would be fab.
As for my job, yes I would quit. I’m not going to lie, it’s been on the cards for years. It’s a difficult environment to work in a lot of the time and the only reason I haven’t quit is probably due to fear of the unknown. But fingers crossed if I pass my course, it will provide me with more options for work in the future and something I can use while travelling if I need to.March 11, 2019 at 6:50 am #284037
I hope all is well?!March 11, 2019 at 8:17 am #284073
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Kkasxo,</p>
How are you doing? I’m all mixed up with my days ‘cos I was working yesterday. Any luck finding decent accommodation?
Mom still chasing my tail I’m afraid. Why are there no more days in the week these days?! This course I started has been brilliant to give me focus but man is it intense and time consuming!
But hopefully if I pass I’ll have something additional at the end of it that I can use around the world. In theory anyway!
Met my ex last night for some dinner. It’s still, I don’t know. Nowhere I guess. Nothing romantic in any of the meetups but thoughtful and respectful of each other. He also gave me perfume he had ordered prior to my birthday but obviously had never given to me.
How are you coping with everything, are you working through things in therapy?March 11, 2019 at 12:47 pm #284141
Hi I’ve never posted before but 2 months ago I found myself in a totally new and distressing situation when my husband of nearly 17 years walked out on me without warning. I thought that by now I would be feeling stronger and yet I don’t seem to. The weeks come and go and I am still reeling between shock, anger and pain like i didn’t know it was possible to feel. I would really like to hear from anyone that has been through something similar and managed to find a way back to some feelings of peace. Feeling calm again seems like an impossible thing to ever achieve again.
Any advice?March 12, 2019 at 3:16 pm #284315
welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a difficult time. It seems it’s the initial stages of grief. Like a death, when someone is suddenly gone from your life.
I think survival is your best bet right now. Do what you can do each day to try and make it through. Lean on family or friends and just talk nicely and kindly to yourself.
I think two months is extremely early yet in the grief process and it may just take more months for a slow shift.March 13, 2019 at 11:31 am #284437
Just joining this community. My partner and I split up just over two weeks ago. We were together for six years, and lived together. The decision was mutual but more mine than hers – I had been having doubts about our relationship for years, and in the end, I just couldn’t let go of them. I felt enormous relief for a week or so, but now the grief of having lost my partner of six years is really settling in, and I feel overwhelmed by pain so much of the time. Though perhaps our relationship had to end (I’m not sure), there was so much good in it – we really loved each other well, were very good to each other, and had a pretty happy life together in most ways. I know rationally that I won’t feel this pain forever, but it is really, really, really hard to believe it in the moment, when I feel so sad I can hardly breathe.
Anyway, just here for the healing. Looking forward to talking more with all of you.March 13, 2019 at 1:47 pm #284485
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Trio,</p>
Im so sorry you are heartbroken right now. You are among supportive people here. We have all been dealing with pain this past while or at some point.
Can you elaborate a little on the reasons or concerns that led you to the decision that you were not meant to be with your ex anymore? If you’d like to. No pressure.
Ride the pain as best you can. As I’ve been told many many times, the only way out is through.March 13, 2019 at 3:13 pm #284495
Welcome to the forum Trio! Sorry to hear about your pain, don’t we all know it so well! I look forward to hearing some more from you!
I’m no better off at the moment. Feeling more and more anxious about my living situation as it is fast approaching. My ex keeps repeating that he is moving with me in June but I just KNOW that is not happening. Last night I had a very upfront and serious conversation with him about all the pain he has already caused and the trauma that he contributed to and I am having a hard time healing from and that him continuously repeating this ‘plan’ to move in June and then not pull through with it would actually make him a sick person. I have told him quite openly that as it stands he has already destroyed me and my life as I knew it, if he adds this one additional thing into the equation then God I really do hope karma catches up with him one day, because at that point I will be homeless.
I am still trying to continue my search by myself, although if I’m honest that hasn’t taken me very far. I am absolutely terrified. I don’t really know where to start. I just wish I could pause time a little..
I hope all of you are well!
Shelby, how are you getting on this week?
Michelle, I hope you are enjoying your time away and I hope to hear some more from you about your trip!March 13, 2019 at 5:37 pm #284511
It sounds like fear is dominating everything for you at the moment. It’s a powerful emotion and can twist things into perspectives that may not be the truth.
I think a house share would be the best option for you right now. Even if your ex (current bf?!) does follow through, perhaps waiting a while to move in together until ye are on more stable & confident ground would be wise. So in the meantime, at least try and get settled somewhere yourself so that his actions won’t pull the rug from under you either way.
Change is terrifying. It makes sense. You’re dealing with a lot and managing to survive by keeping the status quo right now. But that will soon change and it can be frightening. That’s why preparation is key. We can’t control everything but if we sort out what we CAN control, it cuts down on the fear.
Check our some places and see how you get on. It’s never forever, it’s just a place to sleep and eat and worst case scenario you move again if you don’t like it, but that is worst case.
Its the unknown frightening you. Same as me. It gets me every time. What if I’m lonely, what if I don’t like it, what if he doesn’t change, what if I have to go through more pain and trauma. All fearful thoughts.
But……what if you really like your new place? What if you find a new friend in a new flat mate, what if it opens up new and bright possibilities. It’s just perspective I guess. The uncertainty will always cause fear, so grab the bull by the horns and take away some of the uncertainty.
Im ok, I guess I’m in trouble. Supposed to go away on fri with my ex for his bday which he didn’t get to celebrate because he was working. But no clue what it is. We have not been any way romantic since meeting up recently. It’s all been just friendly. I’m making the effort to get this off the ground again, he’s not. So I’m not an idiot, I am probably headed for a fall, but yet I still really like being with him. Says a lot about me……which doesn’t seem to be changing despite all my therapy and reading etc.
S xMarch 14, 2019 at 7:39 am #284559
Hey all – back in the land of wi-fi and tucked up in Cambodia….apols for the silence checking in – but it’s been just an awesome few days here. It’s another place of contrasts for sure – we can walk from our hotel out into local life one way and see buffaloes, dogs, cockerels, kids bathing in buckets, all the kind of rural Cambodian life you’d envision – and if you head out the other way, you end up in tourist town with neon flashing lights, hard-sell markets, drunk backpackers etc. Now I know a lot of people these days get a bit “travel snobbish” for lack of a better word about popular experiences but seriously – seeing the sunrise over Angkor Wat and the hugeness of it all slowly emerge will stay with me for a long time. As will today’s trip out by bicycle, surviving the crazy traffic and getting to practically deserted temples in the jungle – having to give way to elephants crossing the road!! Hope that updates both Kkasxo & Shelby at least, been over-due!
And on that note – Kkasxo – so……why are you waiting to June to move out…isn’t that when your family actually leave? I get it may be painful financially but for peace of minds sake I’d think it would be better to find a place sooner and get settled best you can, so as to be able to deal with them leaving a little easier..? It would also help potentially call your ex’s(?) bluff on whether he is in this with you or not before you are left homeless or worse moving in with his family. Is he helping you look at potential places, coming up with suggestions – or is it still “too far out” for him to be doing anything as helpful as that or telling his family. You said it yourself – you don’t believe he’s going to come through for you on this – seriously, look after yourself first, get yourself a home sorted – it is not a permanent solution and doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t move in with this guy later if that’s what you want but it will take out one of the major uncertainties coming up that you can not avoid. Dealing with it is always far less scary than not dealing with it, once you get started. Remember, one thing at a time……
Shelby m’dear…..ha, sometimes we are clearly kindred spirits of a sort! I literally gave up my job last year to take up this travelling/working lifestyle and honestly – it is nothing short of absolutely awesome – so I really really hope you go through with it as/when the time comes with or without this guy. No, I really don’t understand why you would put yourself through this loop again but I recognise it is something you feel you have to do before being able to move on. What kind of thing are you hoping for from him – what would it take for you to be “ok” to settle with him? Obviously I’m of the opinion that settling for “ok” is not really what life is all about – but as ever it is what you think what matters. Has it made you feel less anxious, being back in contact?
Emma – I’m so so sorry. You may or may not have read my story about break-up I shared a few pages back now – but I was likewise blind-sided by my break-up, each day hurt waking up as reality would crash back in on me. Are you ok home-wise, family, friends? Do you have people to talk to – I had some great friends who would let me go round in circles on the why it had happened. It took me a long time before I came to realise the why didn’t matter and that actually if looking back, I could see signs it wasn’t working that I’d just been oblivious to at the time, being so happy in the relationship myself. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon – but yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, I’m living proof having been through it and honestly, now much much happier than I ever was then. Keep talking to people, stay open to hope and look forwards as much as possible, not backwards. Wish I could help more.
Trio – I don’t think just because you were the one who instigated the break-up means you magically become invulnerable to the pain of losing what was a big part of your life. Likely, the relief of having taken the hard decision means you are now left dealing with the resultant change to your life and getting used to a new future – which even when wanted can still be scary. Harder when it wasn’t a clear cut “this is all bad”, but there was a reason that splitting up felt like the best way forwards to be honest with yourself and your feelings – try and remember those when you are feeling most scared about your future, it will help.
All – take care and look forwards, not backwards…