March 14, 2019 at 10:53 am #284625
Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone. I’ve been very up and down, but honestly, mostly down. Part of what’s hard is doubting all the reasons that led us to this point…it’s so hard for me to remember/trust/believe the reasons that I wanted out. I’m pretty sure that that’s a natural part of breakups, and all I can hope is that *eventually* I will remember, and again believe, the reasons that I thought we weren’t right for each other. But right now, I think I have very rose-colored glasses on about the past (again – normal), and it’s hard for me to hold onto the part of me that wanted to break up. (I can share the story at some point but I’m a tiny bit worried about her coming across this forum and recognizing me, to be honest! But basically – for years, I had doubts about whether we were “right” for each other because of a number of things that seemed like incompatibilities to me. And then a series of events sort of brought everything to the surface, including me falling for another person.)
Anyway. Just trying to take it one day at a time, or really, one hour at a time. I have moments where I feel good every day, and I guess that’s better than nothing. Trying to exercise a lot, spend lots of time outdoors, and remind myself that this pain really *will* pass, and that I won’t always feel that way. Also, I guess 2.5 weeks is pretty fresh! It could get worse from here, of course (and I’m scared that it will). But it could also get better.
Glad to be here. Thank you for having me.March 15, 2019 at 3:12 am #284703
Good morning all,
Shelby – Yes fear is definitely the main factor here and I think it has been for many many months now. Fear of everything and anything if I am to be honest. I just can’t quite picture how my life will go forward from here.. I suppose in a sense you’re right and this could really be the breakthrough that I have been waiting for it is just terrifying all together. In regards to your current situation, try not to be so hard on yourself, I know that you probably are aware that seeing/speaking to your ex again is not ideal but nonetheless it is what it is. I know all too well how much easier it is to be in contact and fuelled by that stupid hope than not to be.. God I’ve been at this myself for months on end now! Just as you have advised me, one step at a time.. We may not understand our journeys now but I am hopeful that one day it will all make sense! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your trip away with your ex!
Michelle – Ah so wonderful to hear from you again! Honestly, your descriptions of the place are second to none, you should write a book! I think you’re right, i’m leaving it until June I guess out of hope that he WILL pull through with this? Maybe a little bit of the fact that anything prior to June is basically tomorrow which is terrifying! So I think i’d like to convince myself that I have time… which I really don’t. He has looked at places, spoken to his family and even has tried to arrange some viewings BUT I am still not falling for it. I really am not. Quite frankly, i’d like to get away from him, this whole situation, my trauma, my friends, everyone and everything in general and start over! Because right now I cant ever imagine my life moving forward where I am at..
Trio – I can understand how difficult it must be going through the breakup and trying to keep focused on WHY it had to happen. I’m sort of in a similar boat right now in which I feel I have outgrown any kind of relationship with my ‘ex’ (although more like my current partner) but I am just too afraid to rock that boat for myself due to other trauma that I have experienced.. I think it may be too much for me to handle. I hope with time you gain the clarity that you need to move forward with your life and yes 2.5 weeks IS still very fresh! So cry, be upset, whatever it is you need, it is all a part of this shitty process!March 15, 2019 at 8:32 am #284757
Hey Kkasxo – ha, well, at least you & Shelby will enjoy my book if I ever get around to doing anything like that, maybe yet. You are both way too kind though!! Found a wonderful hidden pagoda today, odd mix of monk’s doing their praying, school kids running around and scooters everywhere – just so Asia……
But in the meantime, yes, I figured you were putting it off hence the question as to why and subtle (?!) push as to if that is what will be best for you. Curious though – hand on heart honesty time, do you think you will be happier settled in a place with or without this guy? Are you happier now you are back together from what I can tell? It’s just sometimes I can’t help but get the impression he is a bit of a drain on you, someone else to look after whilst you are low on energy yourself.. Perhaps that is why it feels like you won’t get the fresh start/space that you can feel you want & need but that at the same time that is the scariest option to acknowledge. I can get that.
But either way – pretending you have more time when you don’t is just going to put you under more stress later. Bite that bullet, give yourself an earlier deadline and honestly, just starting to deal with it will take so much of the fear out of it. If I was you and wanting to test if he is serious – find somewhere suitable earlier than later and go for it – the worst that can happen is he bails on you & your fears are confirmed. But at least then you still have time to deal with it practically. Not wonderful but better than the alternative. Remember – we can only deal with the reality in front of us – all the wishing & hoping in the world won’t change things, only our actions. Time to pull proverbial head out of the sand and deal with this one….March 17, 2019 at 2:15 am #284917
Michelle – I most definitely will enjoy the book!
The whole honesty part of your recent post really hit home for me. In all honesty, he is a drain on me, my energy, my healing, my moving forward etc. He is and I am becoming more and more aware of that… But I do think that the trauma we experienced has somehow tangled us both into this not ideal and yet extremely difficult situation of we need to be around to help because we are the only two individuals on the planet who really understand, that + the love that we shared and I suppose still share calls for an extremely difficult situation emotionally – I guess I am not strong enough to walk away?
I do also think that although things aren’t perfect with him, there are good times and that in this whole post trauma identity building again, and therapy and my living situation and everything else, he is the only thing that has remained from my old life and I find that I am grateful for that security blanket.. Honestly, I think you’re right, he is a drain and I probably know it isn’t going to last, but PTSD is so bloody complex I cannot understand why/how/what for I do things half of the time and at the moment having him just being around is some kind of comfort for me…
I’ve taken your advice and told him this morning that I found a property with a May move in and would he like to go view it? I said it’s only a few weeks off of June and it’s a nice place (I haven’t found anything yet haha so now I must look) and he said yes he wants to go view it… so let’s see… I’m gonna push quite a lot for the viewings now in the next few weeks and see if he comes up with any excuses as to not putting down deposits etc.. I suppose words and time won’t do it here, you’re right, I need to put him in situations where his actions can show BEFORE June, before I am homeless..
That way I will also have time to sort myself out SHOULD he bail.
Like you say, head out the sand and time to deal with this one! Thank you for the pep talk!
Shelby – I hope all is well? How is your weekend going?March 17, 2019 at 7:15 am #284937
Kkasxo, thanks so much. Yes, it’s hard to make sense of anything when I’m in the middle of so much grief. Everything reminds me of her, I’m thinking of her constantly, and it’s just…so painful. I’m going to have to move out of our apartment in a couple of weeks and I’m really, really dreading that, but also trying to remind myself: one day at a time, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I’m still catching up on your story, but sounds like you’re going through a pretty tough, intense and scary process right now too, looking for a place with your ex/current partner. Thinking of you and sending you a little peace, if possible, and lots of strength.March 17, 2019 at 8:53 am #284967
Hi all, I hope everyone is coping?
I’m having a really tough time today, I start a new job tomorrow and it’s hell not having her for support.
I’m finding myself checking my phone repeatedly in case I’ve missed a message from her or something, which makes absolutely no sense because she hasn’t contacted me in months so I don’t know why she suddenly would today. Unfortunately me getting in touch with her isn’t really an option so all I can do is hope that she’ll reach out… which seems very unlikely.
There’s also the fact that even if I did manage to speak to her, barring a very sudden change of heart from her it seems unlikely that she’d be there for me and make me feel better like she used to. Yet I’m still sat here like an idiot, repeatedly checking my phone hoping for a message that says “I’ve made a mistake here, let’s work on our issues and be together again”.
I just feel awful, the pain is unbearable and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.March 17, 2019 at 2:01 pm #285025
Good evening all,
Trio – thank you for your kind words, peace is very much more than welcome my way! I need it! I’m not sure how far back you’ve read on our stories as I can imagine it’s quite a read at this point but both myself and Shelby are quite the ‘we need to understand’ kind of types also… I think after suffering for so long I have come to the conclusion that not all things in life are to be understood.. it is a really tough cookie to accept or UNDERSTAND as ironic as it may sound. We literally sometimes will not get the answers that we want or need and that is that. In all this confusion and uncertainty right now you are entirely entitled to grieve.. you will feel sad, you will feel pain, you will feel it all. And I don’t know how long it’ll last or that it’ll easy but what I can tell you is that you are not alone. We are all here because we are human and we are suffering and sometimes we just need a few pick me up words, even if it is in online form. You’ll find the people here start to feel more like dear friends after a while. Myself and Shelby have been in communication for about 6/7 months now and Michelle just shortly after that and honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without. Please keep writing, keep sharing, keep getting it all out because it really does help!
Griff – Firstly, a huge congratulations on the new job! Good on you! I hope your first day at work goes as well as it possibly could and that this is a start of something great for you! A fresh clean slate of new opportunities, new connections, a shift in focus!
Ah the dreaded checking of the phone! I’ve been there many times! I’m so sorry to hear of your pain! The best solution for me in times of ‘I can’t see end of the tunnel’ was distraction. I would take myself to the gym or watch a good series on Netflix and kind of got through in autopilot mode until the following day, and usually the following day, even if for a little while, it wouldn’t feel so intense.
Try to focus your energy this evening on the big day tomorrow. Set your alarm. Have a relaxing bath. Prepare your clothes, lunch or whatever else it may be so you have a stress free morning. Look into your travel arrangements etc. Focus, focus on something that requires your focus in the here and now. Then do something nice for yourself, perhaps read a nice book, watch a good programme and make sure you get enough sleep!
I hope all goes well tomorrow and I look forward to hearing from you!
Shelby & Michelle, thinking of you both! I hope you’re well!March 17, 2019 at 9:06 pm #285049
Well – have made it safely from Cambodia into Vietnam! Feels practically “chilly” being back at a slightly more sane high 20’s low 30’s instead of the high 30’s we’ve gotten used to – well, survived would be more accurate – must’ve lost half a stone in sweat cycling back from Angkor Wat! Fortunately plenty of great food and just amazing fresh fruit shakes more than made up for that…. Haven’t had too much time to explore here as yet as arrived pretty late yesterday but got out for dinner by the river in the local village – very entertaining as they seem to love having tiny chairs ( think primary school kid size… ) which I can do ok at my 5′ 6″ but my other half who is 6′ 4″ practically had his knees up to ears…..but the food was great, cheap, fresh, what more do you want…
Kkasxo – proud of you, well done. Being able to be that honest with yourself, recognising and sharing the reality of how you feel and where you are at is huge. It would have been much easier to pretend it was great than to be able to admit you can see he’s draining you, that you will be looking after him too. Doesn’t have mean the time is right to action on it, absolutely, with all the change and shared history and still working through dealing with this shared trauma you have it’s not surprising at all you still some of your security wrapped up with him. But being able to be honest with yourself about it, accepting it as it is for now without hiding from it – that’s powerful. As you continue to become aware and stronger, then is the time to consider again what’s best for you again, naturally.
And I’m so pleased to hear you have taken that head out of the sand and getting into action on the flat finding – you are welcome for the pep talk, knew you could do it. Did have to smile at the idea of you now frantically searching to find the alleged wonderful place – let us know how it goes! Yep, actions always speak louder than words. I’m sure this guy has every good intention but it’ll be interesting to see what happens when push comes to shove and it’s commitment time as to if he has the strength to go through with it. If I understand correctly the concern on his part of moving out from his parents is that they are very anti him doing so? I hope you don’t become his replacement mother though……he’d better be expecting to help out with the cleaning and laundry… 😉
Shelby – all ok? Know you were having a very full on time of it. How did it go at the weekend – hopefully a bit of relaxing in there somewhere? Are you back from being away with your ex ( is he still ex?? ), hope you got what you wanted from it at least.
Griff – hang in there. Yep, the first time of doing major things without your long-time support system is scary. But each first gets easier and you learn how to be able to make yourself feel better, not need someone else to do so. Which is an incredibly powerful thing for future inter-dependent relations, not dependent ones, big difference I learned very slowly the very hard way… how did the first day go?
I’m totally with Kkasxo on the as irritating/unhelpful as it is – there is no “why” or magic reason you can understand, it’s why it’s the toughest lesson in just accepting it just is. I think we all look for such an explanation as then there is something tangible to either “fix” or else be able to accept as something we can’t change and therefore it’s not such a total rejection of us, ourselves. It really is just like trying to handle the unexpected death of a loved one at the same time as trying to keep your self esteem up to handle the added perceived rejection. The first part is about adapting to life without them in it, dealing with the change, which if you aren’t used to be able to be dealing with being outside your comfort zone is even harder. The rejection part is likewise much harder to deal with if you tend to have lower self-esteem. It’s why a lot of the advice on how to get through this is really about improving your own self-esteem and ability to handle change – increasing your own natural resilience. It’s why some people seem able to bounce back faster than others – it’s not that they feel it less but that they’ve either got or developed healthier coping mechanisms. Which is also why you will hear a lot of people, including myself, saying they are so much stronger for surviving the experience.
All – hope that helps – I know how much it hurts – keep moving forwards, one step at a time. It does get easier and it does get a whole heap better.March 18, 2019 at 6:46 am #285083
Hehe the image of your large other half sitting in a chair made for primary school children did make me giggle! Perhaps there’s just a lot of little people in Vietnam? Please continue enjoying the warm weather and glowy skin. I can confirm the UK is very cold, windy and rainy as per and I am starting to resemble an uncooked chicken in skin tone at the moment! Bring some sun back with you please!
I can’t quite figure out whether the moving out situation goes against his family or against him in the end.. I know that they have a particular life plan for him but he seems to be under the impression that their plan was his anyway all along.. I don’t know if that’s just his genuine wants in life or whether his parents wants for him have been instilled in him for so long that he made them his own?! To my knowledge he has let it be known that he will be moving in June. I of course was not present for the conversation with his parents and therefore am a bit sceptical hehe, as I am with anything regarding any kind of progress with him but like you say, one step at a time, time will tell all. It is not wise though to put my life on hold until that time comes. I’ve told him i’d like to view properties in the next few weeks and put down a deposit if I come across something i’m happy with – he seemed happy with this so who knows. In any case, one of my friends has a friend with a property in which he no longer lives so she has offered that as a back up option for me to fall back on should the move not work out in the end so I am grateful that I have that, even if it is a temporary measure until I get myself on my own two feet!March 19, 2019 at 3:16 pm #285349
Sorry again for the absence. I always considered myself a good multitasker but honestly the past couple of weeks have tested my limits. The course I’m doing has such a big workload that I’m struggling to stay on top of it. My cousin who has been so supportive to me during trauma, fell down the stairs and broke her ankle and I haven’t even gotten a chance to visit her yet. Also, my friends mum passed away today after an illness, so yet another funeral to attend which makes me feel so sad at the moment.
I like my course, but at times I feel I’m not good enough and this evening I got a slap on the wrist as it were, for not presenting printed homework although I had a bundle of other homework to hand up. I’m not good with any type of giving out by people, I kind of retreat back into myself.
I did go away with my ex at the weekend and it was actually lovely. I booked one night away on the basis that he had to return to his family business to work but after the first night he asked for us to stay a second night as he did not need go home. We didn’t talk about anything serious, but when we got over the awkwardness of wondering was it a platonic trip he hugged me tightly and said he never meant to hurt me and that he has such high regard for me. I said I knew but nevertheless, it happened.
He said he doesn’t know what we’re doing and I admitted neither do I. Michelle, I don’t know what would make me make a decision to go back again either. I don’t know. I’m not naive, I can see the danger but yet, I can’t seem to let go of the desire to be with him. I don’t want to settle, I don’t think I can to be quite honest, so yes, I know where you think this might be going. Yet, I have no clue what to do. I’m still here. My head is blank.
Michelle- wow wow and wow. I’m so envious of your adventurous spirit and clear sense of self. Where you are sounds amazing and I hope you love Vietnam. Another one for the bucket list! I hope you’re have the most wonderful time.
Good on you girl!!!! Call that bluff!!! Even doing that is progress in some direction. I managed to get my ex to say he’d view places too but inevitable he’d find problems with the property or the area etc…..so definitely actions speak louder.
I agree with Michelle, getting things sorted now, while your family is still here is a better plan, rather than waiting until your foundation has been taken away before implementing big change. I too feel a little like Michelle that you don’t necessarily come across as peaceful & happy since having your ex around again. Indeed it does seem almost like a chore of the spirit now? But I understand what you mean about the security of it.
I hope everyone else is doing okay. Who knew the world is so full of broken hearts & spirits. I guess we only know when we’rein the same boat. But we can all paddle together & hopefully the tide will turn xMarch 20, 2019 at 2:53 pm #285493
Shelby it is nice to hear from you! I am glad you had a nice weekend with your ex and that things are progressing somewhat (are you happy with the way things are going?) You sound a little how I sounded when my ex first got back in touch with me, I knew the danger all too well and yet I still went ahead… and I guess in a sense I am still stuck in the ‘ahead’ now unable to make a decision. It’s so tough. Whatever happens, whatever you decide in the end, I hope it all works out exactly how it is meant to work out and that one day this will all make sense. Have you guys arranged to meet up again?
My PTSD is really kicking the sh*t out of me recently! It was a tough acknowledgement to accept in general but now this new person that I have become, I don’t like her. She is vulnerable, constantly sad, probably drinks too much, unkind, secluded, withdrawn, in complete autopilot mode, with no direction in life whatsoever. I’m finding it so hard to understand anything. I know were not meant to understand everything but I can’t understand anything at all. In all honesty I really do not see a way forward from this, ever. Some people with PTSD suffer for 30, 40, 50 years with no luck and I just think wow, I admire you because I can’t imagine that’s a life at all.. I don’t want a life like that.. I just don’t think I will ever learn to deal with this new me. I know it sounds really stupid and unrealistic but honestly now is the time for someone to grab my hand and just drag me along for a little while, say ‘don’t worry i’ve got us on this one’ and just let me not think about anything at all whilst stepping forward. Honestly I’ve run out of hope that I’ll ever get better.. I feel absolutely stuck, that is the best way of describing it. Everything is unsafe, every tiny detail is a trigger for me, everyone is out to hurt me. Honestly it’s really gotten to a point where I don’t see a way out and I just don’t know how I’ve managed to get myself here because only a year ago mental health and mental health problems were such a distant thought for me. Perhaps I am just weaker than most? I don’t know but whatever it is it has really messed me up.March 20, 2019 at 9:18 pm #285531
So, loving Vietnam….food is way too good and had my cheapest beer ever yesterday ( on tall chairs you’ll be glad to hear…! ) – 24p/pint equiv! Mad. It’s a beautiful place, set on a river, rice-fields all around, stunning sunlight and then full of Asia crazy – though coming from Cambodia it actually seems calmer to me. But there’s plenty of wide-eyed scared looking tourists, especially when faced with crossing a road which is a new skill we’ve learned where you don’t actually wait for gap but just move slowly and steadily across and let it flow round you! And if anyone ever wants to get some practice in self-assertiveness to say ‘No’, this is your place!
Shelby, great to hear back from you. So are you guys back together again romantically, did I get that right? I hope it is bringing you what you wanted if so. One thought for you – did you consider saying no to the extra night when he said he was then available? It just seems at times that it is his life that determines when/if you will see each other, i.e. when his family/work/another are not demanding him, then you can have Shelby-time. It would perhaps be better for your own self-esteem to not always be instantly available just because he is. After all, it is not like you don’t have plenty of other things like your coursework and visiting your friend that you wanted to get done, i.e. priorities for your own wider life. I’m not into playing games at all so this isn’t about getting him to chase you by not always being so available – it just occurred to me that it would be one way to be different this time around , to not become so dependent on this relationship again and maintain your own life, see friends etc. Plus, then, if it doesn’t work out how you want it to – you are not so back at square one either. Worth thinking about.
Kkasxo – glad the image made you smile, I did likewise giggle at the uncooked chicken description 🙂 but sorry to hear it’s been a tougher week on the PTSD front. From what I understand of it, the only way through is to work on loosening the strength of the emotions by facing them at a pace you are comfortable with, something I trust your therapist is helping with. But it is not surprising that they are stronger as you find yourself in decreasing security with your family moving on and needing to move homes – both events that would unsettle people themselves. I’d try to come up with a healthy routine ( all the ‘boring’ stuff, sleep, exercise, walks in nature, limited alcohol etc ) and embed it so strongly so that you can keep that going whilst everything changes, to help your brain feel safe as it can. And as ever – less thinking about the future and just stick to the one thing at a time. Often it’s the strongest people who get hit hardest as they’ve never had to deal with a situation they couldn’t control/manage. You sound like you are in a classic case of withdrawing from the world to try to find a safe corner to hide, to be safe, and perhaps to avoid dealing with what at some point must be dealt with to get past this. I don’t have anything in the same league of depth of feeling but I do understand the stuck feeling – for me it’s always been when I have to make a decision and whilst I am to/fro-ing and trying to logically work out the pros/cons etc it’s horrible – eventually though it becomes clear that there is a choice which just feels ‘right’ but it’s usually whichever one I’m most scared of. Then I screw up my courage, make my decision, go for it and magically all the stress and stuckness clears and I’m moving forwards again. Hopefully as your living situation becomes clearer the PTSD will lessen again and it will be easier to deal with it. I won’t say you can have the old Kkasxo back as I don’t think you can go backwards – but I do totally believe you can get past this by working through it as/when the time is right and become a new/improved/even better Kkasxo. Hope this forum helps in the meantime – you have a safe place here, you know that.