Good morning all,

Shelby – Yes fear is definitely the main factor here and I think it has been for many many months now. Fear of everything and anything if I am to be honest. I just can’t quite picture how my life will go forward from here.. I suppose in a sense you’re right and this could really be the breakthrough that I have been waiting for it is just terrifying all together. In regards to your current situation, try not to be so hard on yourself, I know that you probably are aware that seeing/speaking to your ex again is not ideal but nonetheless it is what it is. I know all too well how much easier it is to be in contact and fuelled by that stupid hope than not to be.. God I’ve been at this myself for months on end now! Just as you have advised me, one step at a time.. We may not understand our journeys now but I am hopeful that one day it will all make sense! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your trip away with your ex!

Michelle – Ah so wonderful to hear from you again! Honestly, your descriptions of the place are second to none, you should write a book! I think you’re right, i’m leaving it until June I guess out of hope that he WILL pull through with this? Maybe a little bit of the fact that anything prior to June is basically tomorrow which is terrifying! So I think i’d like to convince myself that I have time… which I really don’t. He has looked at places, spoken to his family and even has tried to arrange some viewings BUT I am still not falling for it. I really am not. Quite frankly, i’d like to get away from him, this whole situation, my trauma, my friends, everyone and everything in general and start over! Because right now I cant ever imagine my life moving forward where I am at..

Trio – I can understand how difficult it must be going through the breakup and trying to keep focused on WHY it had to happen. I’m sort of in a similar boat right now in which I feel I have outgrown any kind of relationship with my ‘ex’ (although more like my current partner) but I am just too afraid to rock that boat for myself due to other trauma that I have experienced.. I think it may be too much for me to handle. I hope with time you gain the clarity that you need to move forward with your life and yes 2.5 weeks IS still very fresh! So cry, be upset, whatever it is you need, it is all a part of this shitty process!

Michelle – I most definitely will enjoy the book!

The whole honesty part of your recent post really hit home for me. In all honesty, he is a drain on me, my energy, my healing, my moving forward etc. He is and I am becoming more and more aware of that… But I do think that the trauma we experienced has somehow tangled us both into this not ideal and yet extremely difficult situation of we need to be around to help because we are the only two individuals on the planet who really understand, that + the love that we shared and I suppose still share calls for an extremely difficult situation emotionally – I guess I am not strong enough to walk away?

I do also think that although things aren’t perfect with him, there are good times and that in this whole post trauma identity building again, and therapy and my living situation and everything else, he is the only thing that has remained from my old life and I find that I am grateful for that security blanket.. Honestly, I think you’re right, he is a drain and I probably know it isn’t going to last, but PTSD is so bloody complex I cannot understand why/how/what for I do things half of the time and at the moment having him just being around is some kind of comfort for me…

I’ve taken your advice and told him this morning that I found a property with a May move in and would he like to go view it? I said it’s only a few weeks off of June and it’s a nice place (I haven’t found anything yet haha so now I must look) and he said yes he wants to go view it… so let’s see… I’m gonna push quite a lot for the viewings now in the next few weeks and see if he comes up with any excuses as to not putting down deposits etc.. I suppose words and time won’t do it here, you’re right, I need to put him in situations where his actions can show BEFORE June, before I am homeless..

That way I will also have time to sort myself out SHOULD he bail.

Like you say, head out the sand and time to deal with this one! Thank you for the pep talk!

Shelby – I hope all is well? How is your weekend going?

Hi all, I hope everyone is coping?

I’m having a really tough time today, I start a new job tomorrow and it’s hell not having her for support.

I’m finding myself checking my phone repeatedly in case I’ve missed a message from her or something, which makes absolutely no sense because she hasn’t contacted me in months so I don’t know why she suddenly would today. Unfortunately me getting in touch with her isn’t really an option so all I can do is hope that she’ll reach out… which seems very unlikely.

There’s also the fact that even if I did manage to speak to her, barring a very sudden change of heart from her it seems unlikely that she’d be there for me and make me feel better like she used to. Yet I’m still sat here like an idiot, repeatedly checking my phone hoping for a message that says “I’ve made a mistake here, let’s work on our issues and be together again”.

I just feel awful, the pain is unbearable and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Morning all,

Well – have made it safely from Cambodia into Vietnam!  Feels practically “chilly” being back at a slightly more sane high 20’s low 30’s instead of the high 30’s we’ve gotten used to – well, survived would be more accurate – must’ve lost half a stone in sweat cycling back from Angkor Wat! Fortunately plenty of great food and just amazing fresh fruit shakes more than made up for that….  Haven’t had too much time to explore here as yet as arrived pretty late yesterday but got out for dinner by the river in the local village – very entertaining as they seem to love having tiny chairs ( think primary school kid size… ) which I can do ok at my  5′ 6″ but my other half who is  6′ 4″ practically had his knees up to ears…..but the food was great, cheap, fresh, what more do you want…

Kkasxo – proud of you, well done. Being able to be that honest with yourself, recognising and sharing the reality of how you feel and where you are at is huge. It would have been much easier to pretend it was great than to be able to admit you can see he’s draining you, that you will be looking after him too.  Doesn’t have mean the time is right to action on it, absolutely, with all the change and shared history and still working through dealing with this shared trauma you have it’s not surprising at all you still some of your security wrapped up with him. But being able to be honest with yourself about it, accepting it as it is for now without hiding from it – that’s powerful. As you continue to become aware and stronger, then is the time to consider again what’s best for you again, naturally.

And I’m so pleased to hear you have taken that head out of the sand and getting into action on the flat finding – you are welcome for the pep talk, knew you could do it.  Did have to smile at the idea of you now frantically searching to find the alleged wonderful place – let us know how it goes! Yep, actions always speak louder than words. I’m sure this guy has every good intention but it’ll be interesting to see what happens when push comes to shove and it’s commitment time as to if he has the strength to go through with it. If I understand correctly the concern on his part of moving out from his parents is that they are very anti him doing so?  I hope you don’t become his replacement mother though……he’d better be expecting to help out with the cleaning and laundry… 😉

Shelby – all ok? Know you were having a very full on time of it. How did it go at the weekend – hopefully a bit of relaxing in there somewhere?  Are you back from being away with your ex ( is he still ex?? ), hope you got what you wanted from it at least.

Griff – hang in there. Yep, the first time of doing major things without your long-time support system is scary. But each first gets easier and you learn how to be able to make yourself feel better, not need someone else to do so. Which is an incredibly powerful thing for future inter-dependent relations, not dependent ones, big difference I learned very slowly the very hard way… how did the first day go?

I’m totally with Kkasxo on the as irritating/unhelpful as it is – there is no “why” or magic reason you can understand, it’s why it’s the toughest lesson in just accepting it just is. I think we all look for such an explanation as then there is something tangible to either “fix” or else be able to accept as something we can’t change and therefore it’s not such a total rejection of us, ourselves. It really is just like trying to handle the unexpected death of a loved one at the same time as trying to keep your self esteem up to handle the added perceived rejection. The first part is about adapting to life without them in it, dealing with the change, which if you aren’t used to be able to be dealing with being outside your comfort zone is even harder.  The rejection part is likewise much harder to deal with if you tend to have lower self-esteem. It’s why a lot of the advice on how to get through this is really about improving your own self-esteem and ability to handle change – increasing your own natural resilience. It’s why some people seem able to bounce back faster than others – it’s not that they feel it less but that they’ve either got or developed healthier coping mechanisms.  Which is also why you will hear a lot of people, including myself, saying they are so much stronger for surviving the experience.

All – hope that helps – I know how much it hurts – keep moving forwards, one step at a time. It does get easier and it does get a whole heap better.

Morning all.

So, loving Vietnam….food is way too good and had my cheapest beer ever yesterday ( on tall chairs you’ll be glad to hear…! )  – 24p/pint equiv! Mad.  It’s a beautiful place, set on a river, rice-fields all around, stunning sunlight and then full of Asia crazy – though coming from Cambodia it actually seems calmer to me.  But there’s plenty of wide-eyed scared looking tourists, especially when faced with crossing a road which is a new skill we’ve learned where you don’t actually wait for gap but just move slowly and steadily across and let it flow round you!  And if anyone ever wants to get some practice in self-assertiveness to say ‘No’, this is your place!

Shelby, great to hear back from you. So are you guys back together again romantically, did I get that right?  I hope it is bringing you what you wanted if so.  One thought for you – did you consider saying no to the extra night when he said he was then available?  It just seems at times that it is his life that determines when/if you will see each other, i.e. when his family/work/another are not demanding him, then you can have Shelby-time. It would perhaps be better for your own self-esteem to not always be instantly available just because he is.  After all, it is not like you don’t have plenty of other things like your coursework and visiting your friend that you wanted to get done, i.e. priorities for your own wider life.  I’m not into playing games at all so this isn’t about getting him to chase you by not always being so available – it just occurred to me that it would be one way to be different this time around , to not become so dependent on this relationship again and maintain your own life, see friends etc. Plus, then, if it doesn’t work out how you want it to – you are not so back at square one either. Worth thinking about.

Kkasxo – glad the image made you smile, I did likewise giggle at the uncooked chicken description 🙂  but sorry to hear it’s been a tougher week on the PTSD front.  From what I understand of it, the only way through is to work on loosening the strength of the emotions by facing them at a pace you are comfortable with, something I trust your therapist is helping with. But it is not surprising that they are stronger as you find yourself in decreasing security with your family moving on and needing to move homes – both events that would unsettle people themselves. I’d try to come up with a healthy routine ( all the ‘boring’ stuff, sleep, exercise, walks in nature, limited alcohol etc ) and embed it so strongly so that you can keep that going whilst everything changes, to help your brain feel safe as it can. And as ever – less thinking about the future and just stick to the one thing at a time.  Often it’s the strongest people who get hit hardest as they’ve never had to deal with a situation they couldn’t control/manage. You sound like you are in a classic case of withdrawing from the world to try to find a safe corner to hide, to be safe, and perhaps to avoid dealing with what at some point must be dealt with to get past this. I don’t have anything in the same league of depth of feeling but I do understand the stuck feeling – for me it’s always been when I have to make a decision and whilst I am to/fro-ing and trying to logically work out the pros/cons etc it’s horrible – eventually though it becomes clear that there is a choice which just feels ‘right’ but it’s usually whichever one I’m most scared of. Then I screw up my courage, make my decision, go for it and magically all the stress and stuckness clears and I’m moving forwards again. Hopefully as your living situation becomes clearer the PTSD will lessen again and it will be easier to deal with it. I won’t say you can have the old Kkasxo back as I don’t think you can go backwards – but I do totally believe you can get past this by working through it as/when the time is right and become a new/improved/even better Kkasxo. Hope this forum helps in the meantime – you have a safe place here, you know that.