Hey – wonderful to hear from you again Kkasxo, though sad to read how much you’ve been struggling again. I’m not convinced any of us can ever know exactly where things are going or where it ends but I think I understand what you mean.  I can understand feeling like you don’t have the energy to fight anymore and tbh I don’t think fighting against something often works anyway, it just ends up with you being exhausted eventually, and the stronger you are it just takes longer to get there.

So I think accepting it is actually a step forwards bizarrely, as it is only when you accept you are at the bottom and effectively give up that you actually are freed to move forwards, not expecting anything, not forcing anything, just being. That’s how it has always panned out for me anyway. And then at some future point you suddenly realise that by not trying to fight it, not trying to be better, you have somehow come through it. I’m not giving up hope for you and we’ll be here when we can help or just to listen, whatever you need. It’s just good to hear from you.

Ah Shelby, jaw must have literally dropped eh, glad you didn’t waste any tea though… I’m also glad you at least told him it’s not exactly a brilliant way to treat you after your weekend…. Though I’m a bit confused, I thought he didn’t initiate any contact after the weekend as that’s why you eventually had to cave in to doing so – but you mention he thought you weren’t interested as he’d reached out twice? Weird – and defn need to communicate better. Is he going to stay in touch whilst he travels?

We’re in our last place now before we return to the UK next week. It’s such a wonderful way to explore the world, slowly, no hurry, simple decisions – it really does bring back life to the basics of ‘where are we sleeping and what are we eating – and do I have any clean socks……!!’  The markets here are great fun, I’m somehow the better haggler than my other half so I’ve been practicing that and it’s actually quite good fun if you keep it respectful and remember how much better off we are. I’m not much of a shopper so it’s funny when they get all excited at first and then realise no, I really do mean it, I am really quite happy with just buying the one pair of sandals as my other ones have finally literally fallen to pieces….will be wandering off the beach in a bit, find some lunch…..they do awesome sandwiches here for less than a £1 with beer, tough life eh…

Exactly – I love wandering around markets and even supermarkets when I’m away, easily spending ages guessing what the various things are, especially in the food sections. The mish mash of smells, colours is just totally fascinating. I think that’s a big part of why it’s so much easier to live in the moment when travelling, it’s not that you leave your issues at home but that there is so much that is different and interesting to absorb your brain that it’s relaxing without even trying.  I love pretty much everything about travelling and will happily spend hours researching the trip before I go just because it’s fun, curled up on the sofa, glass of wine in hand and laptop in the other!  It’s also a really good way for me to practice not always having to be in control – things don’t always work out how I planned/hoped/expected and so I’ve learnt (/learning still…!! ) to roll with it and accept it as is, go with it and you know what – it always works out fine, often even better! Just like life really…  Do you have a list of places you want to see when you go to Aus, would really love to know what your plans are??

It’s good he contacted you, I’ll let him off a little then 😉  But yeah, game-playing never gets you anywhere – the more honest you are about what you want, however scary it is to be open & honest, exposing yourself to rejection – the better the communication between you guys will be. I’m still not convinced that getting back with him now is in your best long-term interests but so long as you are keeping up that balanced life, seeing friends and making your travel plans, I get why you want to go round the loop again.

Kkasxo m’dear – how are you doing today??  What have you been up to this weekend? Still here for you – hoping you guys are making sure it’s sunny for when I come back next week 🙂

Hi all,

I can’t sleep (and I don’t think I will tonight) so thought I’d give you all a brief update.

So today I witnessed someone die.

I am so shaken, for a few hours it didn’t quite register with me, I think maybe the adrenaline? My neighbour (family friend) who is currently living in the flat above us, her mum has been suffering with end stage pancreatic cancer for the past few months. Just two weeks ago she was told that there was nothing more than can be done for her and subsequently released to come home and be looked after by nurses at home just last week Friday. Her daughter, who is very close with my mum, is a single mother of two, she has been struggling to say the least with trying to maintain a job so she can keep a roof over her children’s head and food in their mouths and looking after her sick mother. I worked from home today so she asked if I could see to her mum every half hour or so to see if she needed anything, food, drink, to use the toilet or anything. So I did, just a few hours ago her mum exchanged what would be her last ever words with me. She was so drained, unable to eat or drink as she felt sick, but she thanked me, she thanked me for coming to see to her and check that she is okay. She looked so poorly, not like how I remember her at all. About 5:45pm this evening I got a call from my mum to run upstairs (to my family friends property) as they knew something was wrong with the lady. I was on and off on the phone to the hospital, all different departments, being placed on hold until I was finally told I need to call the ambulance but it was too late.. It was too late and she took her last breath in front of us. I cannot get the image out of my head. I just cant believe it was only a few hours ago I spoke with her.

I don’t know how to gather myself right now. Her family and children are in pieces, as are myself and my mum who witnessed the whole thing.

Not to mention my wonderful ex partner of mine decided to ignore everything that’s gone on today and go off to a lovely concert with his friends. I was so upset at this point that I had text him saying that I don’t even know why I am disappointed, when I have had a really really tough day and witnessed something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I just don’t know why I expected for him to say ‘Hun, I know I had this planned but do you need me right now? It’s been a lot to take in today’. Nope, instead he went to his concert, ignored my text the whole night and then decided to reach out to me once it was done to start an argument with me. Honestly at this point I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t know if my emotions are all over the place right now or whether he is indeed being out of order.

I feel this experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Particularly that life is so short and can be taken from us at any moment. So tell those that you love just how much you love them. Spend time with those who truly matter to you. Pay close attention to your friends and family, give them the gift of your time, attention and love. Cherish every moment with all of your loved ones.

P.S I promise to catch up on all of your recent posts and reply properly, as soon as I have a little more energy.

Hi Shelby,

You’re right, it is beyond frightening because none of us were prepared for it. I suppose not like that, not yesterday. I didn’t sleep a wink last night I just couldn’t. Today was spent organising the death certificate, district nurses attending for their equipment and arranging for the funeral home to come and collect the body. I tried to help as much as I could because the poor ladies daughter speaks limited English.

I did appreciate therapy today. A lot. My little runaway reprieve. And then after therapy I went to a viewing with the man himself. Sat in silence the whole way there and back simply because I have no words for him, I am exhausted with everything. He dropped me home we said our goodbyes and off he went. Not great at all.

How are you coping with the ex being away Shelby? Are you guys communicating still?