Evening ladies,

Firstly, Michelle on a reality show?! Well ain’t that some really juicy gossip! I’m finding myself thinking ehhhh I know someone famous! Hehe!

I suppose I understand why it may be a put off watching other reality shows knowing what the ins and outs look like behind the scenes. I think I get it a little more now.

Shelby my love, I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling sad today. I feel a little like that too, and maybe that’s okay?

Thank you for your kind words, I think on a good day I realise just how far I’ve come too however it is all definitely still a process and I feel it’ll be that way for a long long time for me, perhaps even for you too! I spoke a little about learning, figuring things out and getting to know myself again in my last post, well maybe we never really stop learning and doing those things? The thing about the idea of a journey is that it has a destination. Well maybe in reality the journey doesn’t actually ever end, maybe life is one big journey and we just have to enjoy the good times and ride through the bad times.

It is going to sound so ironic (I know it did to me when people around me advised me to do it) but you really need to feel your feelings. Acknowledge them, ask yourself questions, why am I feeling like this? Does it feel heavy? If so, where in my body can I feel this heaviness? Is there anything I can do to change this feeling right now? Before you know it it’ll pass. It may come back again but the better you get at sitting with them the easier it’ll get. I think that was the major lesson I had learnt in the last few months because I became incredible at running away from heavy emotions and queen of distraction.

You mention feeling like it’s too late for you. But too late for what? I understand that feeling completely because for someone like me who absolutely despises any sort of time wasting whatsoever, the feeling of I’m behind or it’s too late is so heavy! Let’s explore this. What is it too late for? What is it that you would like to achieve in the next 5 years? What do YOU think would bring you pure bliss and happiness in this life?

Lots of virtual hugs as always! Xxx

Morning ladies,

Haha Michelle you know me too well! Secure? Definitely not. But I think where I literally hit rock bottom only a few short months ago, I’m now trying to constantly remind myself that what will be will be. It is an extremely difficult concept to grasp because my innate nature tries to fight it at all costs and almost ‘organise’ or break down how I can be take control of this uncertain destiny. It is a challenge but ultimately we simply cannot control everything.

I think for me it is a conscious decision to keep going forward. Despite the devastation of my entire life the last year, despite suffering so much with PTSD and depression, despite loosing myself, despite all of my struggles. As my therapist says, that’s all done now, you’re not there anymore, you’re here and you’re loved and you’re safe and you WILL be okay. Now don’t get me wrong, the trauma still haunts me, it is still extremely difficult to face it head on when i’d rather forget, it still leaves me in terror and shakes and tears and regret and guilt and everything else under the sun. But I just have to keep reminding myself that all it is is a very sad part of my life. Keep working on myself and becoming the woman that I want to be. The woman who will assure that I’ll never find myself in a similar circumstance again, and if God forbid I do, I will be in a better place in my life to make the right choices FOR ME and me only, ones that sit right in my heart.

It really is a continuous conscious choice to keep going. So to answer your question Shelby, yes it is absolutely exhausting! But it is worth it. I am so grateful now that I am no longer down in the gutter surrounded by crazy thoughts of not being able to go on… I am so glad there is some light now, even if it is just a tiny glimmer but it’s not completely dark and for that I am thankful!

The few days away somewhere quiet definitely sound good! I think it would be a good opportunity to really sit with yourself and dwell deeper into what it is you want, what you’re feeling, what you are and are not ready for at this point in your life. I know there is much advice out there claiming that the best way to get over love is to find new love. For me personally, that wasn’t something I was interested in at all and it doesn’t sound like it is something that you are ready for right now either. I think this time for you should be about this exhausting, as you say, but worth it journey to self discovery.

You have to take the time to check in with yourself at all times about everything going on with your life. I distanced myself from everyone and secluded myself in my own little world (aside from tiny Buddha) for months of my life. And maybe that was what I needed? When I finally felt somewhat ready within myself to start meeting up with friends again etc I made a promise to check in with myself. How does meeting this person make me feel? Can I meet with them for short/long periods of time without feeling emotionally exhausted after? Am I happy around this person? And with that I kind of determined who my happy to go to people are, that allowed me to finally rebuild some kind of a support network.

Promise your own self that you will listen to yourself first and foremost. That you will care for YOU at all times.

Hugs as always xxx

Morning!

Ah Kkasxo, how far you have come….wonderful to hear it. Absolutely, by giving up trying to control the future bizarrely we free ourselves from so much unhelpful worrying/anxiety. Things are still scary, sad, awesome,wonderful and we cope and enjoy as they come. Just doing our best, choosing what feels right in our hearts, what fits with our values and our aims of who we want to be. Sometimes it’ll work how we want, sometimes not. But we always know we couldn’t have done it any differently, all part of us.

Shelby m’dear. You know what, I’m actually glad to hear you are a little mad at him. I think I wrote about my similar experience ( few pages back now…! ) after my split when that was exactly my mind-set, “I’ll show you what you are missing”! It became a goal I could really focus on, all be it for all the wrong reasons. I lost almost 2 stone and suddenly got a lot more attention from men, a great confidence booster , if a little weird. All entirely wrong reasons and not a long-term help but it did enough to kick me out of the hole I was in at that point to be able to think about what I really wanted. So I entirely get where you are coming from there.

Emergency surgery sounds scary for sure, totally understand why you are forever worried about it happening again, tough fear to have to live with – do they have any idea what triggered it at all?  I suppose it’s not a great answer but the obvious one is that so long as you are doing everything you know of that helps prevent the pain, then you have done all you can. You will cope if it happens, you have before. And so the worrying doesn’t do anything to help prevent it, if anything the opposite – it’s amazing how much stress impacts on the body without knowing.

Ah yes, the joy of invites to cosy couple events, especially weddings. People who can’t imagine there’s anything more important to find out about you than are you settled down and married. Never failed to amaze me that, doesn’t happen to men so much for sure. Honestly, it’ll be a bit grim but ok. Take a good friend if you want, hire a stunning +1 for fun, talk about Oz like it’s going to happen. Kidding ( mostly… ) but you know what, it only feels bad because it’s what you are worried about and you don’t need the extra social pressure on you. People are well-meaning but yeah, not helpful. Smile and ignore, best you can. Make it your target to lose the weight for, a positive thing to turn up even more stunning than usual.

Ha, yeah – I spent a lot of time yesterday researching and starting to think about our next trip back over Asia after Christmas – so many amazing places to go see…defn boggle eyes by the time I put the laptop away!  Don’t worry about if you will or won’t quit work yet, just keep investigating, seeing what excites you, thinking about what you could do if you wanted to. Where were you looking at, out of blatant travel curiosity??

Hey all,

How’s everyone doing? Shelby, did you get away – I think this is your week off right?? Hope you are doing ok anyway, enjoying it best you can. Kkasxo, still settling in and getting ready for the family leaving?  All good here – seriously getting tempted to leave the UK again for some better weather but a decent weekend helped, found an awesome new brewery taproom just a 20 min cycle away…..oh dear….can see many sunny afternoons being spent there if we’re lucky!

V, I’ll apologies in advance in that I don’t remember much of the detail of your past relationship apart from it was very up/down, very volatile and didn’t seem to bring you a lot of joy. Sounds like you could do with some head space for yourself for a while, let alone jumping into another relationship before ready. Your thinking on love as control is going to make it pretty much impossible for you to let anyone love you until then. Is the control thing something you got from how your parents loved you, as in if you were ‘good’ and did what they wanted, they would love you.  Or does it come from you wanting to control others if you love them, so you assume others will be the same to you.

Like everything, half the battle is figuring out what’s at the base of it all before you can heal it and move on with a much better chance of a great relationship.

Hi ladies,

Shelby – Have you been to see the dr regarding the chronic pains? Michelle does have a very good point. Our physical health is very closely linked to our mental health – scientifically proven! Being under a lot of stress or experiencing anxiety/depression can have a big impact on your health and your body will eventually respond. I can speak from experience.. I am still battling with my cystic acne (which appeared out of nowhere a few months following trauma) and my irregular cycles (which changed following trauma and had been 28 days on the dot for the last 16 years!). I remember saying to myself many times throughout the darkest times that I feel as though my body will give up on me soon enough, because I genuinely felt like my body is shutting down. I know its easier said than done, but it may be worth giving yourself a little break every now and then, even if it is just to run yourself a bath with your favourite bubble bath or reading a nice book!

You also asked, ‘Do you remember a little while back, you didn’t feel the will or motivation to go on. Was there a catalyst that pulled you out of that or what made things change for you? You have a really good attitude now, I admire you. So clever and focused.’ There wasn’t a catalyst as such at all. I cannot actually recall a specific time in which I said to myself enough is enough and it actually worked.. I was in an extremely dark place for a long long time and actually it was my therapist who made a good point (in our last ever session last week 🙁 ) that despite being absolutely down in the gutter with no more will or energy to live, sounding like I had given up, I always attend to our sessions and spoke to her about all these new things that I keep trying to do to get better. Whether it was communicating with you ladies, going to the gym, researching and reading into mental health and psychology or simply hanging out more with family and friends, she said that in itself is strength like no other. And I never really looked at it that way at all, I always used to say as you ladies will probably recall that I’m trying everything and nothing is helping and so I am just doomed for a life full of misery. I was tired, exhausted really with absolutely no way forward. I think it really just was this underlying perseverance to get better that has brought me to where I am today.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am no way near ‘normality’ so to speak. I think all in all things now are going to be different than they have been my entire life because I am still getting to know this new person that I have become. I still have intensely bad days, triggers and heaps of emotional ups and downs BUT I can recognise these things now and it makes it that little bit easier to deal with them there and then.. rather than ignoring them, using any and every distraction to get away from them and eventually spiralling out of control..

Which brings me to this point, @Victoria, welcome back! It is nice to hear from you again. As a fellow PTSD sufferer, the first thing that helped me is really learning about the condition and understanding it. For a long long time (before I even knew of PTSD) I legitimately thought I was just going crazy, that the trauma I had experienced had caused my mental to shatter and I would forever be broken as a result. Learning about the condition and coming across a forum, http://www.myptsd.com , and reading posts from other sufferers was like an eureka moment for me, ‘I’m not alone, I’m not isolated, and I’m really not crazy! This is normal! All of these behaviours are my brain’s way of protecting me!’ In the end (this took a long time) I accepted that I have to be thankful to my clever little mind for coming up with all these ways to protect me, my well being and my safety.. Us human beings are so damn complicated and complex but when push comes to shove we react in very similar ways, I would really recommend for you to have a little read on there and explore this concept some more!

Michelle, nice to hear from you as always! I’m still settling in, work is sooooooooo busy at the moment but at least it keeps my days flowing! I am looking forward to the heatwave this weekend, 31 degrees in London on Saturday, say what?! We are having a housewarming party on the day too so I am really looking forward to seeing all my friends. In a sense I almost can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to it, as you may remember I had been very isolated for the last year so getting out and ACTUALLY enjoying it is all woah for me right now! Nonetheless, I’m going with it!