Morning ladies,

Shelby, easier said than done but I agree with Michelle. You’ve been speaking of travel for quite some time now and I feel like the element of fear is holding you back. Now whilst that is very normal maybe it’s exactly what your soul needs at this point in your life? No matter how much you’ve been putting it off and debating with yourself you always go back to the thought. If you’re worried, why don’t you try a short weekend get away first? Somewhere like Barcelona or something which can be quite cheap and cheerful and not too too far from home. See how that goes and how you are feeling and then maybe you can plan a bigger trip away if that goes well?

I always admire the bravery to travel on your own but I understand it isn’t for everyone. My sister has always been the quiet one, really shy and completely introverted and yet she travelled to Korea and Australia to meet with her BF who travels around the world, all on her own, she had to find her way to meet with him whilst there etc, the long hours on the plane, the change overs, the different cultures. It terrifies me, the social butterfly and yet she did it and did it confidently!

I’ve got terrible anxiety today. I feel nervous, my heart is pounding and just generally uneasy. Although I’ve come a long long way in this whole journey (ever grateful!) I still very much have moments where anxiety or intense emotion hits and it’s still difficult to deal with it.

Funnily enough I spontaneously booked a weekend away to Birmingham with a friend for next weekend. I should be excited right?! Instead I’ve got anxiety and want to cancel at all costs (I even considered completely loosing the money I spent on this just so I don’t have to go). How silly?! But I guess it’s moments like these that are still a gentle reminder that following trauma my brain/mind/soul is still wired all wrong. I’m all for pushing myself out of my comfort zones at this point in my life but having been the outgoing, sociable creature I have always been (prior to trauma) I didn’t realise a simple night away from home would be considered as pushing myself out of my comfort zone! It’s crazy how life changes. I think also somewhere in the back of my mind I’m conscious of the fact that this time last year is when everything happened. The long ass hardcore journey I’ve been on since. It’s all a bit much for me but like my therapist used to say, you’re safe now, it’s done, it’s not happening again. So it’s okay, it’s better and it’ll get even better. For the time being I have no choice but to sit with this feeling and let it pass naturally. On a side note though, can you imagine how anxious I would be if I was in your shoes Shelby? About to book a trip away on my own?! Haha I do have to laugh sometimes!

On a further side note I am so grateful for you girls! Honestly! You both have no idea just how much of a big role you have played in my journey to healing!

Awh, it’s you guys doing all the hard healing work, I’m just here to remind you there is light at the end of the tunnel ( and no, it’s not a train…. ) whilst sharing irritatingly happy tales of travel :-). But yeah, it’s a good journey together.

Kkasxo – hope the anxiety has lessened a little. Whilst I know it’s tough, if you look back on where you were this time last year, you’ll see just how much more resilience you have for getting past another anniversary. You’ve done it before, it’s not going to hurt you and you’ll be ok, just a bit more emotionally up/down for a while. So you know, maybe not the best time to decide about Mr A or anything major and yeah, if you are emotionally stretched what you would normally consider ‘easy’ becomes difficult. I’ve lost count of the number of things I’ve said I’d do when in a good state and then have dreaded when they came round – but once you get there it’s so often “oh, actually, this is ok and you know what, I’m enjoying myself”. And if not – you just come home!

Shelby, Shelby…..me, eye-rolling…..never……  It’s funny actually, you thinking travel may impede finding the life you want whereas how I think about it, you are far more likely to find the life you want by breaking out and doing something different. It’s hard to see how staying put and doing the same things is going to result in anything different to the last what, 15 odd years? Likewise it’s hard to see it as running away given you are more terrified of doing it than you are of staying put. Defn more of a choosing to do something different and let yourself try a different way of life than running away from reminders. I do get what you mean by the “done thing” though and yeah, it can be hard to separate out what you want to do from what you think you should do. I suppose I come at it all from a “what’s the worst that can happen”, which is you try it, hate it, hide from being open to the experience and come back wondering what the hell next. Which is pretty much where you are at anyway right?!?  So how’d that list go?

Hey, it’s not a list competition! Yours is honest, brave and heart-felt – and more importantly – the only one that matters. So nice job there, it’s a good list. How did you feel at the end of it – just exhausted with the thinking or an obvious winner?  Tbh, mostly what it screams out to me is someone who needs to prioritise herself for a bit, either with or without travel. A lot of fear. And a tiny bit of excitement but a lot of guilt at wanting to do something for herself that will let others down.

If I work through it…some things are entirely practical to solve, the harder ones are the emotional ones, unsurprisingly. Plus some of these things you can achieve without travelling and some of them will continue to be a ‘con’ even if you don’t.

For example, you can leave your job with travelling and you can work on bravery/less responsibilities, though it’s harder.  You can make travel as expensive or cheap as it needs to be. Technology these days makes staying in touch way easier, especially Skype/video calls. Not the same, but pretty good. If you don’t like somewhere when you arrive, you change your plans and move on.

As to the ‘settle down’ thing/ delay finding someone/having kids, unless you have your eye on someone locally I honestly don’t see how travel either helps or hinders that one. Do you intend to only want to find someone locally, is that what you mean? And not to sound depressing but if so, I suspect you already have a pretty good idea of the “available pool” and aren’t interested in them? So if anything it helps as you’ll meet more people and you can be in places or find groups of travellers/expats who speak english pretty much everywhere.

As to the age thing, yes, it’s a legitimate pragmatic concern from the kids perspective, I get it.  I’ll just repeat there are many,many ways to be a great mother. If you are fixed on the idea that only your own biological kids will do, then yes, nature dictates you are time-limited. There are ways to extend the time, like my friend storing her eggs.  It can help to work out what your priority really is, your own kids or the family dream.  E.g. which would you choose – biological kids by yourself through artificial means ( i.e. no partner ) before nature does it’s thing and then perhaps a relationship or wait longer for a relationship later and accepting it means no biological kids but perhaps either inheriting an existing family or adopting together?  I realise ideally you want kids with the imaginary partner ( shall we call him Mr B, since Kkasxo has nabbed Mr A….) but since we’re both pragmatic people – one way to take the pressure off is to recognise nature’s reality but also recognise that there are still options where you end up in a good place for you, whichever one is more important to you.

Back to the “To Travel or Not To Travel” , there is also obviously a third way through all this – have you thought about asking your work for a mini-sabbatical? I’ve (unsurprisingly) used these before and it’s win/win for both. You get extended, all be it unpaid, time away to make a trip long enough to unwind and think clearly. They get to keep a valued employee and not go through the hassle of trying to hire someone else.

So instead of thinking it’s a major life decision and you have to quit your job and life and go for half a year or whatever – instead perhaps plan out something for 4 – 6 weeks, whatever feels right. It’s plenty of time to get the benefits of travel without the bigger risks/commitments involved in anything more major.  If they don’t go for it – you also have the option of quitting and going for those job opportunities you mention, it’ll take that long to get a start date and they usually honour pre-booked travel (again, something I have unsurprisingly done…!)

Perhaps a decent half-way house to getting the break you need without feeling like it’s all or nothing. Hope it all helps – and yes it’s tiring to have to think – but you end up in a better place for it. Just don’t overthink it…….

Evening ladies,

Michelle – Yes thankfully I feel a little more settled today! We all knew it would pass right?! It’s just sometimes in the moment that it’s a bit overwhelming. You’re absolutely right, albeit it is still difficult I know this is just another one of those things that I will learn to live with and live through, just the same way I lived through back in february! I’m trying my best to look forward to the weekend away next week, I should be excited so no more sopping about! Life is for living.

Shelby – Yes work is still hectic. But it’s good, it’s keeping me busy. Although I must admit that I am feeling a little drained now and having a real need to get away on a holiday somewhere..

You actually have no idea just how much internal exploring you are doing in your latest posts. It’s actually quite inspiring and motivating.

‘if I make this move, if I travel, does that mean I’m working on myself and growing? Or will I just still feel this way 6 months down the road?’ 

The answer to that is you just cannot know. You don’t know how you’ll feel in 6 months time whether you travel or not. You wont know how you’ll feel in 6 months time period. And whether you travel or not you are still working on yourself and growing, regardless of what you do. You’re clearly using your energy right now to really pin point your ideologies about life and kids and marriage and work and travel and I think overtime when you really start to check in with yourself you’ll find the answers were there all along.

You mentioned a little while ago that you wanted to change jobs. Getting time off work for 2 weeks for a holiday is tough enough so I can imagine any idea of longer travel will be a nightmare.. If you do decide to travel, perhaps it would be handy to leave work beforehand so that you can travel as much as you want and then when you come back you can start something new, a fresh start?

Shelby – no worries, you know if I’m out and about, will get back when I can. Your life is not a mess, you are just working through a lot of what you really want, which is more than most people do.

So – let’s see…putting others before yourself because you enjoy the payoff is fine and I get that – after all it’s why I now spend time volunteering online. What isn’t ok is if you start to find you do it because you are afraid otherwise they won’t like or need you. Feeling needed is an especially powerful emotion, especially when you’ve been through rejection and you need a self-esteem boost.  Where does the guilt come into though – as in you feel bad if you don’t help others because you “should”? Is that an ingrained growing up thing?

One thing to remember, it’s a bit like those safety videos on airplanes  where you have to fit your own mask before being able to help others without injuring yourself. If you try and help everybody and take on every responsibility going, it helps no-one when you end up burned out and resentful when you have no life of your own.  You need to look after yourself first and that’s not selfish but just what helps everyone the best in the long run. After all, you don’t want to hit 50 and be in the same place, helping everyone else and having had no life of your own, right??

Ha, some 70 year olds can be very attractive you know….! But yes, I figured as much. Just be aware how often you will find people with similar values/backgrounds/understanding in the unlikeliest of places, not just familiar ones.  Re kids, so basically “I didn’t really think about it before but now with the right man I think I do”.  What would you say to a man with existing kids, a potential reality given I’m assuming you are as uninterested in a toy boy as a pensioner?!?

Whilst I agree with Kkasxo there’s no point trying to second guess the future about if travel will help or not, I do think it’s possible to be pretty certain that if you choose to work on yourself and grow, you will, whichever route you go. Travel will make some of the growing easier, some of it harder. It will make you face some of your fears and develop your confidence but it won’t do much about helping you not feel guilty at having healthy boundaries and it won’t do much about sorting out how to be confidently assertive without feeling bad.  (Though practicing haggling in the local markets is actually pretty good for that….!)

If it makes you feel any better, I still got teary leaving my job that I’d planned on leaving for ever. No job is all bad, you miss (some of) the people and the good things about it even when you know you are doing the right thing for you. Whilst I was excited to go since it meant starting my travels, I still knew it was going to take a while to get used to it. Leaving a safe and comfortable routine is not an easy thing for most people, even when it’s good for them.

An event about dating sounds like a total nightmare – why do you think about doing these things to yourself?! You really know you are in no fit state of mind to meet anyone else, however panicked about time you are. If you dive into another relationship chances are pretty high it won’t end well either unless you take this time out to be ok by yourself first. Less haste more speed and all that.

I am full of pragmatic tips and no offence at all at how you use or don’t – the whole idea is for you to consider what feels right for you after all.

Kkasxo – there’s no “should be” excited, just what is. I’ve found the harder I try to enjoy something because I should be, the worse it gets. So just go for it, no expectations/control, see how it goes and be proud of yourself for doing it when you didn’t feel like it. You are honestly so much stronger sounding it’s wonderful even in this tougher time for you. Besides, be good for Mr A to miss you!

The sun is back here so I shall be cycling out shortly, doubtlessly for a few chilled beers in our local taproom as they have some bands playing. Enjoy your weekends both!