Michelle,

I agree, everyone has their own timelines and there is absolutely nothing wrong with women choosing whatever they think is best for them regarding their fertility! My mum had her youngest aged 40! It is possible of course, just not something i’d actively consider for myself. I’ve always been the type of woman to yearn for a home and family.. I’ve been ‘broody’ so to speak since I can remember haha!

That is some interesting questions you are asking though, and actually it is putting things into perspective for me when looking at things from a different angle.. Do I think he’s ready to be a dad? No I don’t think he is. I think he is truthful in admitting that he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the next few years. I don’t doubt that he would be a good dad regardless, but yes he just isn’t in the space right now where I feel he would be able to cope with the situation, the responsibility, having to support me etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly ready right now either and I if roles were reversed and he pushed for trying right now I’d have to politely decline BUT in the same way I am planning for the future and I’d like to think that 2020/2021 is a good time for me to consider having children.

I think in a nutshell the more I explore all of the areas regarding this relationship, the more I realise just how much is missing? I don’t know if that’s the way to put it… Perhaps there are core pieces to this relationship that are lacking with no real sign of resolve. Which is indeed a shame as on a general note, we are okay. I think maybe we just outgrew one another? At some point in our relationship his steps forward stopped and hung about in that same spot until now, I slowed down for a little while in the hope that eventually he would catch up but now he is so far behind and I’ve began walking forward again.. And yet the heart breaks the same at the thought of us not being together. Its so frustrating isn’t it this up and down!

I actually found my diary the other day which I lost in the process of the move and I journalled loads in there, wrote weekly motivational quotes etc. And I flipped through to my birthday week and on the day wrote a note, ‘Chapter 26! Are you better? Are you happy? Are you loved?’ I remember writing that note a year ago, when I was writing it I thought i’d be in a completely different place this time next year! And instead I sat there thinking, Are you better? Kinda, Are you happy? Umm, kinda? Are you loved? Kinda?! I’ve got to make sure that chapter 26 is a different one for me.

Shelby, are you okay!? How are you enjoying time off of work now? Did you manage to resolve things with your sister?

Look forward to hearing from you x

You are not alone Shelbville. I too am struggling daily, hourly even, with my recent split with my fiancee. She was my world for four years. Someone told me something recently that helped me -a little-

“Good relationships dont end”

This made a lot of sense to me. The relationship wasnt particularly good  for quite sometime. My attachment to her and my fear of being alone kept me tethered to her and the toxic relationship we were sharing.

At this point I have chosen to completely let go. I blocked her number so I won’t be tempered to contact her in moments of overwhelming lonliness… nor can she contact me and trigger any feelings within me.

You will be okay…but you MUST let go. Remember the wisdom of impermanence. Things will change, and you will heal.

As you slide down the rope the only time it will stop burning you is when you LET IT GO!

Evening ladies,

A tougher one for me today. I am finding myself pondering more and more about my life, my past, my trauma, all the pain that I’m very much still harbouring and the uncertainty of the future I so very badly wish for. It’s heavy.

On days like these I feel completely lost. Like I know there are decisions, options and directions but I am unable to go with any of them. Like there should be hope but there isn’t enough for me to hold on to. Like I should be able to handle everything but do I really have enough strength when I think I am so exhausted my strong has run out?

Its so frustrating because how do you even help someone who is stuck? I know I am not physically stuck yes, but it certainly feels that way.

In a sense I wish some kind of busy would appear in my life, something that would somewhat drag me away from the situation I am in and physically show me that there is more to life..

It probably doesn’t help that I am coming down with something and look like rudolf the red nose reindeer!

Sorry for the rant! How are you ladies this evening?

Morning Michelle,

Lovely to hear from you! Yes I can imagine how much you have to squeeze in before you head off for your travels! Although I can imagine it’s also a nice time away and probably lovely seeing everyone when you get back!

You’re probably right in saying that making a choice is more powerful. Actually, it’s something my mother said to me recently when she came to visit! She spoke of mortgages etc with Mr A and I sort of brushed off the idea like ‘no we are in no position for such a big commitment together right now’ and she went on to say ‘darling, if you’ve made a decision to reconcile with him then it cannot be half hearted… otherwise you are just wasting your own time in the uncertainty’ and it is true I suppose.

I’m actually going to sit down and do a list of the pros and cons of staying with Mr A and see if the paper thing springs some things into action for me. I’ve always been quite a logical person but when emotions, mental health etc are involved your rational thinking can often be clouded so it could be a good exercise to do!

I’ve promised myself that my 26th year will be all about pushing myself out of my comfort zones and learning to trust myself again – I think I lost that post-trauma and it has made making any decisions 100% difficult.

Shelby,

Lovely lovely words of advice this evening.

Very much needed as it appears I’ll be leaving my job at the end of the month too. I had quite the row with my boss today, well not so much on my end but very much on his end. The last few weeks at work have been a nightmare and I sensed that something was off, whilst my gut feeling was there I genuinely do enjoy my job so I chose to hold it out but one of my bosses let a little too much information out of frustration today and to put it lightly we ‘agreed’ i’d be leaving at the end of the month.

Again not ideal at all with the flat and all, my birthday approaching and breaking the news to my family wasn’t nice but nonetheless, is what it is.

So anxiety is at full pelt having to think of interviews and starting again and new beginnings and why my life really is such a mess?! Why the hell can something just not go right for me?! Honestly, I am so sick and tired of everything that life has been throwing at me and being the black sheep of the family, chasing stability but it is running further and further away from me. Honestly i’d love nothing more than to meet you at the airport next Tuesday and head to Sydney with you! In fact, I might just put my life over here on hold for a little while too and wander off somewhere myself.. clearly there’s not much holding me here anymore.

Something needs to shift for me Shelbs… I need to figure it out.

Hey both,

Ha, Shelby, know it well, the “I have way too many tabs open and now I’ve forgotten what I’m looking for”….t!!  Like everything else in life, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I was helping out a friend plan out her trip a few weeks back and she was like, how do you know all this stuff, which was nice as hadn’t really realised how much I’ve have learned!  Funny we are both flying on Tuesday – must be the day for it!  Really look forwards to hearing how it all goes – you are going to have so many experiences and be so proud of yourself for just doing it. Like with your job, once the decision is made and done you start to wonder why it took you so long to get there and do it. It’s awesome to hear you write about it in that way already – a real step change.

Kkasxo –  sounds like the universe is giving you one helpful push after another eh. Hang in there, you’ll be absolutely fine and I have zero doubt you will end up in a better place. I had something similar early on in my career when I was settling in to a job that really wasn’t good for me – and then it ended abruptly with my boss not extending the contract. I was really upset at the time but in hindsight ( as ever… ) it was the best thing they could ever have done for me as it forced me to go find something better, something I wouldn’t have done without that giant push.  So yeah, it hurts but you know you will find something else – something better.

Remember, stability comes from within, not from external things/people. You are still you, you are still ok, whatever happens on the outside.

Take care both!

Ladies, I am in so much pain. I seem to be declining rapidly again.. I’ve gone to pick up some of my vitamin serotonin pills again as I’ve been down this road before and these seemed to ‘take the edge off’. I honestly don’t even think I’ve got the energy to fight anymore.

As stupid and cliche as this sounds I am writing this post through eyes flooding with tears. I am sad, I am just so so sad, I cannot accept my life as is and everything that’s happened to me no matter how hard I’ve been trying. No matter how much of a journey I’ve been on it always comes back down to this. I’m not even entirely sure why I am posting as you ladies are doing amazing.

You are both incredible, inspirational women!

Shelbs, if I’m not mistaken you have left out to Oz already. I can’t wait to hear all about your adventures!