Kkasxo,

That insta post was right. You can’t wrestle what your soul wants. I tried every which way I could think of to make myself be content with what was on offer from my ex & it STILL didn’t work out. I knew I wanted more but what happened was…..HE knew I needed more & recognised probably more than me, how much I was twisting & contorting myself to save the relationship and he said…..no more. Some would say he did me the greatest favour of my life, but I’m still in the greatest heartbreak of my life mindset, so not exactly at the enlightened stage yet, but you get the idea.

I cant imagine what it must have felt like to lose your father in such an abrupt way. It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 18…..that is a lorry load of hurt. I do think that has a profound impact. I live with my Dad and love him and he loves me and yet I can see the impact our relationship has had on every aspect of my life every day. I know my ex was quite similar to my Dad, I could see it. I adore my Dad and he adores me but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t critical as I grew up and even now. I always felt I struggled to get praise or approval from him and that impacts a lot of aspects of my life. So, my point is- look at the impact that has had on me- while he is present and loving (in his own way) and supportive – so can you imagine the impact of an absentee biological father? It’s only natural it would have ripple effects. If you need to talk that out – remember I’m always an understanding ear!

As for the new guy, we’ve kissed and it’s fine. I’m trying to take it casually and he has agreed but then for example he texted me last night saying he missed me yesterday. I literally saw him the day before. I dunno, I’m one way it’s sweet and I don’t want him to change who he is because that would not be right, but on the other hand, if my ex called me up tomorrow to reconcile – would I be adverse to that prospect….I’m not exactly sure….so where is my head/heart at? I don’t know.

Sometimes I just feel like- stop the world and let me off? Right?!! Is that a song? I dunno!!!!

Hi Michelle,

Lovely to hear from you. I’ve been a bit hectic lately, trying to sort out job stuff and going on a few dates with that guy and also everyone I know seems to be sick, so I’m trying to help out where I can with kids etc.

Michelle it sounds like SA has really had an impact on you, I can only imagine what kind of life you’re living right now, it sounds incredible. You seem so motivated and together…I definitely envy you – but not in a mean way – I’m very happy for you to be living a life you worked hard for!

I haven’t explored the volunteering just at the moment- for rather drab practical reasons. I have a few makeup appointments booked in over the next 6 weeks and while i’m not working I can’t afford to be buying new makeup products, so I have be be frugal with my existing kit and therefore just don’t have the resources to volunteer out my kit yet, but hopefully when I have more steady work, I’ll be able to see it through. Also, I’m lacking confidence because of lack of experience and therefore am poor at promoting my skills or desire for new clients, but it’s a catch 22 because I can’t gain more experience without gaining new clients! I have applied to a few department stores cosmetics halls for any seasonal vacancies so maybe something will come of that.

Your suggestion about looking at things from my kids’ perspective is an interesting one, but one that I find too hard to imagine! I just cant conjure up an idea of my own kids at all! What would Freud say about that I wonder!?!!

I has become even more apparent lately that the guy I have gone on dates with is very interested in me. He is extremely sensitive and I have created a space for him where he feels he can finally be himself with someone. So yeah…..now I feel terrible!!! We went away for a night over this past weekend and it didn’t exactly turn out how I thought it would. Im a terrible human being, but it made me miss what I had with my ex even more. Dammit, will I ever get over that relationship?!!! I have expressed to new guy that I’m not healed from a previous relationship and whilst I enjoy his company, that I don’t want to be in a relationship and there is a lot going on for me personally at the moment. He says he completely understands and knows the risks but he believes I am worth waiting for and other complimentary overly-sappy remarks to that effect! Im not a fool either, I recognise the parts of him that are beginning to turn me off are his sensitivity, softness and over expression of his feelings to me – all stuff I probably don’t like about myself. So I don’t know, I’m absolutely petrified of hurting him now, especially when he opened up about certain issues and has been vulnerable with me, he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. He’s a wonderful person and I know I definitely want him in my life long term- but perhaps as a friend? I don’t know. He has promised that no matter what, we’ll be strong strong friends even if it doesn’t work out, but I’ve told him, while I would love that, I can’t expect to ask that of him as he is fully entitled to space if he’s hurt or disappointed. He keeps telling me to stop overthinking everything and maybe he’s right, but at the end of the day, should I still be thinking about my ex such a large chunk of every single day. Lately even fantasising that we could just hook up for a physical relationship in the future. Man do I feel not healed, not strong, not sensible lately.When does it get better???

@Kkasxo, how are you doing? Any bites on the jobs front? I’m inclined to agree with Michelle about Mr.A, at some point I guess you need to forgive him or forget him and leave the past in the past, if progressive moves have been made to rectify or improve the relationship development? Let me know how you’re doing x

Hi all,

How are you doing? I’m checking in because I’m having a struggle week. I started a new temporary job for the festive season & also ended my situation with the new nice guy as I’m not moved on from my ex.

At the moment I don’t really have a clear set vision of where I’m going or how I’m going to end up happy!

@kkasxo how’s things on your end?

Kkasxo,

I hear you! Finances are a big trigger for anxiety and I have been feeling pretty crap lately not being able to afford anything! I hate borrowing from anyone etc, but I’ve had to do it so I feel like a ticking clock in my head until I pay it back ‘cos I hate owing anyone.

BEST OF LUCK on Monday- fake it ‘till you make it is my motto!!! Interviews are daunting but at least it’s a start and once it’s over you’ll be so relieved! I went for an interview for what I thought was my dream role two weeks ago. I had heard this job would be coming up, before I went travelling & actually kind of banked on it for my return. I felt I was perfect for it. I thought the interview wasn’t horrendous – even though it had been 15years since I’d done an interview. I waited days to hear, and had nearly run away in my mind with having the job. When they told me I was unsuccessful – the blow was huge. I wasn’t expecting it to be so gutting actually. I cried all evening. It took me right back to my self worth core, which is fragile at best!

Repetitive comments in my head… ‘oh Shelby, don’t be so confident, you weren’t good enough for your ex, you weren’t good enough for this job…. etc etc’. Anyway, it definitely hurt. It was also a job I felt would really say to my previous bosses, ‘wow, she did well. Maybe we lost someone valuable’. It’s all a headwreck!

I went for a different interview for a short term contract last week. I haven’t heard back. I’m not sure I really wanted that one, it’s quite different to my area of expertise & it was just a maternity cover & also require a move of location.

The temp work is fine, good experience and short term so definitely less pressure for targets etc. It has shown me though that I’m not in love with retail. If I follow up with a makeup career, I don’t think I want it to be in retail- so that’s something I’ve learned at least!

I really hope the interview goes well on Monday. Don’t waffle and give specific examples for questions asked. Be confident (even if you have to fake it!). You’ll do great!!

The nice guy was…..lovely. Such a sweet soul. I felt he was mad about me & falling for me, but I just wasn’t in the same place. He kept saying he was okay with the pace etc, but he reminded me so much of myself it hurt!!! I told him never to sacrifice his needs and wants for anyone, but I could see him doing it! He just didn’t want to lose me & I got a sense that his self confidence was not terribly strong. I knew for sure as time went on, I’m not over my ex. He creeps into my mind a lot and it’s just not fair on anyone new if that’s happening a lot. I miss his company but I think it was veering towards friendship for me, some things just turned me off. Absolutely no fault on his part, it’s just I like what I like & though I tried to have stronger feelings for him because he’s such a wonderful person, I just couldn’t.

I lay awake a whole night in his place (nothing happened) with a churning stomach & I knew something was wrong then. He believes there is hope for us in the future I think, which I feel bad about because I definitely don’t see it, but I didn’t want to hurt him by admitting that. I told him not to wait for me as I need to work on myself and sort my life out. He said he understands but it’s his decision how he feels going forward.

Anyway, he deserves to be with someone amazing, who runs into his arms to be with him, but he’s never really had a long term relationship and I fear this will now dent his confidence & self worth further and I hate that. Ugh, there’s no simplicity in life is there?!!!

Anyway, it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I don’t know how I feel about it. Proud having survived this past year…..sad as I’ll be 37 (feeling 24!), but closer to that STUPID clock.

Hopefully the right opportunity will arise for both of us- we deserve a break I think. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and sending good vibes out in to the universe for you. Best of luck

@kkasxo,

I know exactly how nervous you must feel and there is nothing I can say which will make you less nervous. Except maybe when my therapist says fear and excitement have the exact same physiological response so instead of repeating over and over how nervous I am, to think of it as excited for a new opportunity! At least you’re trying! Good vibes on their way to you……and don’t worry, I survived my rejection & even trying to see the benefits of not getting that job now!!! (With effort!)

You are SO right! It was nice, it was nice having someone put me first for a change. Planning his days around me, making me feel special! But it wouldn’t have been fair to continue it when I don’t see a future. I definitely miss hanging out with him for sure, but it wouldn’t be fair of me to keep him just as a friend. So I’m giving him space.

This past year has felt like a decade in many ways. I seem to have that thing I may have mentioned before, where my ex and the time we had together this year& the final breakup are all kind of….blurred now! I can’t recall it in HD surround sound like I could before. That complex brain of mine I guess, always protecting!

I wonder what 2020 could bring for us?! I sort of think in my romantic life I’ve survived the worst, so at least if I stay single there is no chance of another horrendous anxiety and pain filled year in that sense, so that’s worth looking forward to I guess!

I’m actually craving a trip to London- it’s like I went travelling, I want to be on the go the whole time now! But I’m flat broke, so it’ll have to be something to look forward to next year!

No plans for my birthday. It’s Tuesday so it’s awkward day for family/friends. Plus I don’t really have any go-to person to celebrate with. That’s the hard part of birthdays I find. Not having that special someone who makes it a special day for you, for one day of the year. I know that nice guy would have planned something nice, but I had to end it. It was only fair.

So right now my sisters and I are in United Nations negotiations trying to find a suitable plan- so basically there is no plan, well….not one I had hoped for. My biggest weakness- not coping well when things don’t work out as I’d hoped or planned!

Im a Sagittarius – Dec 3rd! X