@shelbyville thanks for getting bck to me. I read your first page then the last few which was yr later and it made me feel physically sick it may take that long. But u seem to be feeling in better place now which is hope

Did you block and delete everything to help? I gave in and contacted him yesterday but no reply so far :*( so now I have a rising feeling in my throat like something is tightening and I can’t breathe. All my friends are saying best way to get over someone is under someone else (has anyone felt this helps?)  I just want him!

Well said Shelby, it’s good to hear you doing so well now.  I know the birthday thing threw you for a loop but I found the recovery got faster each time, sounds like you are already feeling the impact fade too.

Hope you & Kkasxo enjoy your Christmas breaks – take care both and bring on 2020!

@shelbyville  @michelle

I’m new to this forum, I just spent my Christmas in bed by myself because of an anxiety attack from feeling lost. I read the whole 92 pages and wanted to just talk to others who have been in similar situation. I went through a very prolonged break up with my ex of 5 years. His inability to commit or be on the same page as me drained me. I kept going back thinking this is better than being alone, I love him, I’ll get nothing like this ever again, no one else will love me. Before this I was a happy go lucky, independent person and feel this whole relationship has chipped away at me without me even realising and now I’m faced with not knowing who I am without him. It’s been 10 months now since our final break up where I decided unless I wanted to keep spiralling out of control and into depression I had to stop and never contact or be sucked in again no matter what.

I dated and was getting more depressed as all I could do was think about my ex and no one will live up to him even though in reality the ex couldn’t provide me with what I wanted. But then I met this man who was a breath of fresh air and something started to make me feel alive again in me. When we were just hanging it felt great but it’s come to the next step and now Im panicking again, my chest feels tight, I keep pushing him away, he invited me for xmas eve at his and I said no and broke up with him. Then I sit here today wanting him. My mind is going crazy I think about my ex on a pedestal yet he couldn’t give me what I want. I push away a guy who is giving me what i want and i don’t know if its fear of falling for someone else and losing them too or hope i might go back to my ex one day even though my rational side is very much aware my rship with my ex was wrong for me and caused these issues.

I’m confused, I hate I have become this person, its making me sick. I just want to get off . Please can you help  @michelle and let me know how you progressed without the past ruining your future.  @shelbyville I read you had a new guy. How are things? Do you believe you can move on again?

Sorry! Don’t know why it’s posted the exact same message 3x.

Hi all.

First things first – apols for the long radio silence my side – it’s been crazy busy since I got back from SA end of Nov, what with a trip to Prague, three birthday’s to sort and then everyone round mine for Christmas – followed by now frantically sorting out this year’s first trip back to SE Asia with two weeks to go! All good stuff but no excuses for the delay.

Second things second – can you believe it’s 2020?! Happy New Year even if you don’t feel all like celebrating right now.

@Shelby. Awesome 6th sense…let’s see if it works again..!  Is the retail job finished now post Christmas or do you keep going until you find something else you want?  I wouldn’t worry about feeling a fake – better to know how you are feeling than ignoring it.  I know you want to read things into him contacting you for your birthday but honestly, I’d bet money on he just thought it was the right thing to do – especially after that’s what you told him to do.  Either way what’s really important is that even if he did want to get back together – it would be for the same thing you guys had before, nothing different and not what you want and need in your life.  So yeah, does it make your heart yearn again for the impossible, do you imagine he’s changed after missing you etc etc – ofcourse it does & you do, that’s human. But each time you acknowledge the feelings but don’t act on them – choosing to deal with reality and pick a path forwards that’s good for you, that’s another step forwards.  I’m also sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the new guy, though not surprised from what you’d said. It all depends on what’s most important to you about a relationship but you can’t force it if it isn’t right for sure.

@Genie.  Wow – if you’ve read all 92 pages then you’ve read a lot of my advice and experience here already! Ofcourse I will try and help, though if you don’t hear back from me promptly it’s usually because I’m travelling somewhere and no wi-fi, as these guys know! Along with the pragmatic tips that helped my battered self-esteem e.g. eating well, exercising, getting out with friends & crying on their various shoulders, forcing myself into new experiences etc etc the biggest thing that helped on the emotional side was practicing being absolutely honest with myself and working hard to separate reality from my fantasy/rose-coloured specs. Really good friends and family can be lethally helpful with this too and it’s worth way more than sympathy, which is great but reinforces the feeling of loss, not the reality that it simply wasn’t right.

E.g. the whole “I’ll never meet anybody as good as him” is something I understand as I felt that at the time too but it just isn’t true.  Being regularly depressed and anxious in a relationship is not exactly a sign of the “best relationship ever”.  It can be scary to be on your own for sure, especially if it is your first time doing so, as it was mine.  But being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person.

In fact – the best thing I did to move on properly was to be truly comfortable by myself, able to look after myself both financially and emotionally. Like you, I’d lost the person I was before my ex and had become incredibly dependent on him – something it took me some time to be able to recognise – that’s that honesty with yourself thing kicking in! It took me a while and a lot of positive actions to find myself again and be happy with who I was alone.

The big upside of it being that when you do eventually meet someone, you aren’t looking to that person to ‘save’ me, ‘look after me’ or ‘make me safe for ever’ – as those things don’t exist – you do those for yourself, supported by loving people around you for short periods but without becoming dependent on them for it. I.e. I then had something to offer a relationship, not just take from it, which is crucial to any relationship going the distance in a good way.

What I’d suggest you start with is trying to calm the panicky feelings that are coming from your fear, try looking at your situation as your best friend would see it. Every time your fear tells you that your ex is the best you are ever going to get, acknowledge the fear but correct it with the truth – it was not a good relationship for you so even if he was the most amazing man in the world ( unlikely, sorry! ) he still wouldn’t be the right man for you. And that’s what matters, what’s right for you.

@Kkasxo. How goes it all? Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job, irritating when you click like that. Usually means somebody else made the final call but still hurts. Should all pick up again in the New Year I guess. More importantly, how’re you coping & how did you guys get through the festive break?

@Michelle thank you for your advice. Sometimes hearing the truth is a bitter pill to swallow. You are right my ex wasn’t the right partner for me or else he would’ve committed and we would be happy. I realised I wasted so much time going back when I should have taken a clean break and worked on myself. It’s basically me that’s the problem I need to look inwards. Thinking my ex was the one and without him I’m nothing has chipped away at who I was and my self esteem. I’ve asked my new guy for a little time to mend myself.. he is a good man and makes me feel alive  and I want to give him my all too but to do that I need to believe I’m worthy of him too and be present fully. I have started jogging again and the morning run is great. I chant in my head “I am good enough to be loved. I am worthy. I am going to be happy again.” By the end I feel the bad thoughts of my ex being the only one etc disappear.

@shelbyville Thank you for the reply. Yes Michelles advice is on point. Sometimes we must stop wallowing in pity and face the facts so I appreciate Michelle for being straight forward. I need that in my life. The bluntness helps you realise the facts. You can only move on if you let go completely and holding on is stupid after it’s become clear it wouldn’t work. I’m tired of feeling like crap because of one person who did not bring me as much joy as I thought or had planned with him. I will no longer let him ruin my future. I’ll always feel he owns a chunk of my heart but I’m going to battle to not let him let me lose again. First I lost him, then i lost myself and i dont want to lose a good man because of my own fears.

I’m no psychologist but with your new guy do you think you may be doing what I did? Pushing him away unconsciously. I kept saying to mine him liking me was unhealthy and he should move on but i missed him, seeing him with girls made me jealous these feelings you only get if there’s something more. If you think about it, is it just projecting? We loved someone who did not want us in the end, it got so unhealthy so now we project that instantly onto a new relationship or person due to our own insecurities.

If there’s no sexual chemistry between you then that’s that. But you said it feels like you’ve known him 10 years and he does a lot for you and he is more of a great guy than your ex but your ex still trumps him . Maybe thats because you are putting up a barrier like me and stopping something from being because really deep down you are scared if this great guy suddenly causes more feelings you will be at risk of losing him and experiencing this horrific pain called heartbreak. So you are stopping yourself from finding those little things you may begin to love in him and instead doing the easy thing putting ex on pedestal and saying to yourself you are not good enough to be loved again and vicious destructive cycle begins. I would not end it based on what you said about the new guy some of the best relationships are formed on friendships. Start running and follow tips michelle gave its helping me build my self esteem again so I can then enter a relationship with my new guy and give back and offer something to him too.