@Shelby thank you so much for taking the time to offer that perspective. It makes a lot of sense to me and I can almost hear my ex saying the same thing about being able to still have all the enjoyable aspects of our relationship without the romance. In fact she used the term “emotionally mature” when we first discussed remaining in contact after we broke up.

Your insights about the ‘pull’ are also very helpful, and even though I don’t want to believe it, I know rationally you are right that it is a security blanket that in the long term will hurt. Ultimately it is a question of how much I value myself – how much emotional pain I put myself through for others’ benefit – and I still have a lot of work to do with that but your advice has helped immeasurably, thank you! Thanks too for your recommendation to look up attachment styles – a useful framework for sure (I’m definitely anxious-preoccupied).

It sounds like unfortunately you have a difficult decision of your own to make in regards to your friend. I hope that you are kind to yourself in the process. xx

@genie Thank you for your kind words! I am indeed proud of myself for opening my heart despite the risks, and consider myself lucky to have such a capacity to love deeply in different ways, even though the pay off is that the pain is deep too. Whinging can be good. 🙂

@rob – so sorry to hear about your unimaginable pain. I too don’t have anything useful to say. You have done so well to get this far. I hope posting here can at least make you feel a little less alone. Love to you!

@adelaide1 you are doing so well chick. Don’t be so down on yourself! You seem to be going through the stages that are expected and at a much better pace than I did. It took me years to see how wrong my relationship was and realise my worth. I put him on a pedestal, you need to stop doing the same and remember something better or greater is waiting for you out there. You as a person are strong, you have so much to offer. So feel the anger and let it remind you, you are strong to have tried and will come out of this even stronger. Each day will get easier but don’t suppress the emotions feel them and release them and soon you’ll have let go and ready for your next chapter. Keep chanting to yourself positive words. Sooner or later they sink in!

@shelbyville I went to see my friend after xmas and she is a therapist. She said something which really hit home that helped me give love or new connections a chance. I am taking it very slow because like you my self worth was in tatters after 5 years on and off the merry go around. I’m trying any my new guy has been a godsend so patient.

My therapist friend said when we lose a relationship we actually think its all about the ex but really it’s actually a loss within us. Theres a hole there we forget who we were and the meaning we had before this person came. So we lose purpose. She said as long as I didn’t find something that gave me purpose, goals, new meaning I would keep trying to fix something that was dead. She sent me this article and it’s was so helpful. Maybe it will give you the push over the last stages. https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone

I also think that maybe you should get confidence coaching like me. It does really help you see that actually I offered all this and tips the scales to your side. Then the anger will kick in when you start to realise how you are wasting precious time when you could be out there finding love again. You could be happy again. But you have to give things a try wholeheartedly and that takes risk. I hope it helps as its sad that a chick who has so much good advice to give can’t see how worthy she is xx

Thanks @Genie and @shelby. I appreciate the encouragement a lot! Soon after I posted that I started feeling bad about being angry and berating myself for all the mistakes I made during the relationship. This always happens, even when the anger towards someone  is justified. I think it speaks to my lack of self worth again in that I always focus on what I’ve done wrong rather than giving myself space to feel when others have hurt me.

So the anger has just turned to sadness, which I find even more annoying because at least anger feels more productive. I think the sadness this time is about the realisation that I am likely going to have to cut all contact if I really want to move on. Not having her in my life still seems daunting but I think everyone who has said that contact doesn’t help while the emotional connection is there is right. My brain knows this and yet I can almost hear my poor hopeful hert go “but…”

You’re definitely right Shelby that keeping busy helps! One thing I made sure to do, even immediately after the break up was find as many ways to distract myself as I could. The one silver lining of this is that it has meant I have connected with friends who kinda fell into the background when my ex and I were together, and they have shared their own stories of heartbreak which has made us closer. I talked to one the other day who was helpful reminding me that my ex is not always worthy of the pedestal I put her on.  Of course, that’s only my side of the story but it’s been a good way to get my rose coloured glasses off. She did say that it took her close to two years to get over her first heartbreak which on one hand is very alarming to me and in the other is comforting because it makes me feel like I’m doing okay in the scheme of things. Like, despite feeling quite sad the past few days I did have pockets of happiness and functioned fairly well at work. One of my colleagues told me yesterday that I am a great person to talk to when she needs a pep talk, which I find funny because I have hardly been in a pep talk mood. If only I could give more to myself!

I don’t really have anything planned this weekend so hopefully I can keep myself distracted enough. I think I am at the stage you were at awhile ago where you were too scared to contact your ex because you knew it likely wouldn’t give you the reaction you wanted. I guess that’s better than having to resist the urge to contact them eh.

Thanks for enabling me to come into your thread and dump so many of my thoughts. I can understand the feeling like an imposter when you are still struggling yourself but your replies really have helped me. 🙂

Genie – the insights you shared about finding new purpose and self worth resonated with me also. Thanks for sharing. I hope things continue to go well with the new guy!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Adelaide1.

Morning ladies,

Apologies for the recent lack of communication. Work is draining to say the least. I’m out of the house for 12 hours a day and it is an extremely mentally draining & demanding job so I don’t even have a moment to myself whilst at work and once I get home it’s shower, cook, bed – what a life eh?! Back in this shitty rat race. Honestly that’s one thing I absolutely hate about this country! Is that you are expected to work such long hours and basically have no life only to be scratching your make ends meet!

That partnered with the trigger date/anniversary coming up next weekend again has pushed me to take some mental health evenings after work and just complete shut off. Yesterday was quite bad actually as I seem to be doing okay most days until my PtSd kicks in full frontal and it honestly feels like emotional/mental abuse – except it’s my own brain doing it to me. So that happened yesterday which I then in turn cancelled all my plans and sat there completely withdrawn from the world. @shelbyville – clearly right there with ya with the flight response!

I’m trying my hardest not to let myself dwell because it’s very easy to get in the cycle of ‘see! I’m never going to get better no matter how well I seem to be doing I always end up here’ but there ya go! Also feeling rather strange lately in a sense that I’m coming to some sort of realisation that actually I’m ‘floating’ through life. I’m not actually living, like purposefully walking through my life. I’m just doing. Working, cleaning, cooking, trying to get back to friends etc etc but my soul is so distant from it all.
So once again, apologies for going awol!

@michelle, it is definitely freezing here in the UK. I actually feel like I am coming down with something as a result. My family actually haven’t left yet, it seems packing their life up and going back home is a little more complicated – and I think a big part of that is my mum wanting to extend her stay here just to make sure that I’m doing okay and settled.. so their official date has moved to July of this year once my little sister finishes the school year. And to be honest, I am so grateful and so happy about this because I honestly cannot quite picture them not being here…

@Shelbyville, how are you getting on?

@michelle yes that article resonated when me too. Great content. Sometimes you need a dose of reality and straight talking! Otherwise if I let my feelings consume me I would continue spiralling like I was deeper into feeling unworthy and despair. It’s almost like the devil vs angel battle on a constant basis. My emotions creep in whispering “you will not find the same love. Any new guy will not match, new guy will leave you too so don’t let him in etc etc slowly wearing me down ” but I have had to literally shout out aloud or chant on my runs “I am going to love it will be a new kind, and if I believe it even better. I will not let myself be defeated. I will be happy etc” so f u stupid voices. The new guy and I are taking it very slow. I don’t feel pressured to be more than I can be for him right now and he has been a breath of fresh air. I now have new hope that with time I can create something special with him. It’s not easy but he is incredibly patient. I always try to focus on his dreams etc so it’s not all about me. Fingers crossed.

@shelby I get it I really do, some days I’m so tired of this world because I feel like I have had the best and I cant possibly get what I want. It is these thoughts that have drained me though so now I’m trying to change that I’m making a huge push towards a more positive attitude to life. In stead of dwelling on what can’t be changed and has passed.

It doesn’t sound like you are ready for a relationship because you are comparing and trust me as long as you do that no one will ever match up because no one will be a clone of your ex. Tbh is your ex even worth the comparisons? Everyone that has eventually moved on would say what the fuck was i thinking?!. Exes will always carry a special place in your heart forever but you need to realise on your own accord that being with your ex was not right or else you would not be where you are now. You said you didn’t feel anger I think you did I read all this thread when I was at my lowest at xmas. Your ex said he would resent you if you tried again. Your self respect kicked in and you were done. That feeling of someone resenting you after all you have done for them and loved is a sickening feeling it carried you into putting yourself out there doing stuff for yourself. What set you back was the texts which is a shame because you are your own enemy. Had you deleted and blocked you ex no. And social media you would not have gone backwards. You might gave found yourself in my position. Not fully ready to jump in to a serious relationship but taking baby steps and risk to create a new adventure with someone new..

I suggest you make a list of all the flaws your ex actually had which there will be plenty for you to have not worked out. Instead of seeing him with rose tinted glasses, write down how the person you loved made you feel at each break up. How the comment of resentment made you feel. This will make any self respecting being pull themselves out of putting their ex on pedestal. I guarantee you will have done more, loved harder bent over backwards so when that scale starts tipping by now you should be saying I DESERVE BETTER. I AM GOING TO GET BETTER. I WILL NOT LET one persons lack of reciprocated love define my entire life!

like Michelle said be wary of where your choices are taking you in life and what you may regret trying or missing with someone new. If this had been a new fresh break up then sympathy and molly coddling is often needed but chick theres a huge world out there for you to explore. New adventure to be had!

What happened with your close friend? Did you cut contact? If so that’s sad you could have gone on adventure with him. Book a mini break even if you don’t have funds do something local after your project ends have fun. Snap yourself out this funk!