January 30, 2020 at 4:21 am #335804
Thanks for all the positive words and motivation. Ya know, I actually think maybe I should re-read all of this thread again as I have forgotten most of what happened, except for the good stuff….but of course…..that predisposition of the brain to rose colour everything.
I had forgotten he said he would start to resent me, wow, that stung at the time and stings now. I’ll try to cling to that one to evoke a little bit of anger if I can. I’m beyond stressed at the moment, work is overhwhelming me, I was so afraid of not finding work that I said yes to many projects and now I’m working long long days seven days a week, but look….at least it’s temporary.
Another source of upset and tears yesterday was that my sisters co-worker and friend lent me her parking spot in my sister’s work building as she is on maternity leave and she knew I would be working nearby for a couple of weeks and could use the parking spot. About two weeks ago I bought a little gift for her to thank her and hand back the keyfob, I had it in my head to give it to my sister to give to her at the first opportunity, but in those 10 days or one week, I have lost the fob. I am DREADING the outcome. It has been wracking me with guilt and anxiety. It’s actually quite difficult to get a replacement and if even possible is thought to be extremely expensive. But I’d put up with that but the worst part is telling her, she is quite a stern takes-no-prisoners person, albeit nice to have given it to me, I’ll admit I’ve always been a little afraid of this lady. Anyway, I haven’t told my sister yet as she has so much of her own stress going on, but it really is the straw that broke the camels back this week because I’m hormonal and also stressed with my workload from all my other projects. It’s also very unlike me to be so careless. I am meticulous about that kind of thing, but somewhere in the confusion of the past week or so it disappeared. I checked my car twice thoroughly, all my handbags, my clothes, my house and no sign. It’s something that’s massively bothering me and then there is a lot of other niggly problematic stuff I’m trying to sort out with payments from the makeup counter work I did over Xmas and many many mistakes they have made with that and the fact that I have a skills and trade test second interview on friday morning in a store, whilst also trying to maintain my other work which is ongoing. Sorry for the stream of consciousness vent, I feel like i need to get it all out of my head in some manner, such as writing, because my head doesn’t have the capacity to hold it all anymore.
I hope you’re all doing okay. Trying to look for gratitude in my heart each day, but some days I struggle with my inner feelings and what I feel is a lack of purpose for my existence at times.
If anyone knows any prayers, chants, tricks for finding something lost…..send them my way! xJanuary 30, 2020 at 7:30 am #335830
@shelbyville i don’t have any chants but you could try lost fob come out wherever you are? Lol whenever I lose something which is often I look for it amongst the most cluttered part of my house usually my bedroom and always find it amongst the heap of clutter. Don’t worry though try thinking back to when you had it last and what you did after and revisit those spots. If you don’t find it dont beat yourself up. These things happen and you know logically you just need to pay to replace it. Which will be ouch but no one died or got hurt. It was an accident and can be rectified.
In regards to the your ex. It is common to recall just the best highlights however this us is one of the times you really need to assess the bad because those are the things that got you to here. So make a conscious effort to write down or recall the difficulties everytime you find yourself ruminating about what you miss or think you had. Just like the resentment comment stung you it also kicked in your self respect. You will find seeing you ex for who he really was will in turn make you realise how good of a partner you were and you will realise actually yes I loved this person but so much made me feel like shit and caused me heartbreak. I do deserve better and I should stop letting the illusion betray my mind and heart. Why am I continuing to allow it to?
Your lack of direction will cease when you let go of the past. The longer you think that was your purpose and you can’t get it elsewhere the longer you will remain stationary and spiral further into a pit of despair and lack of focus. If you still believe that your ex is the one then ask yourself why are you not making and effort to make it happen? Because you know he isnt right for you deep down and you are scared to let go and take a leap again. That’s the real issue fear and it was the same for me after 5 years I said enough no more wasting my life it’s not easy it’s tough but at least I’m moving forward willing to risk things wholeheartedly..once you actually block your ex from ever contacting you which needs to be done that will be the day you have let go, You will automatically find yourself working towards a new relationship like me/ a new career path/an ambition of buying your own place. Etc the purpose will come as you will feel reinvigorated to create the future you deserve. XxxJanuary 30, 2020 at 7:38 am #335834
Also you said your ex never said I love you, in return in your very first post. Don’t you deserve that? A person who expresses their love in all forms. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t say it, display it and make me feel special. I guarantee you when he finds the one he will say it, he is nor incapable!January 30, 2020 at 10:16 am #335862
Two things stuck out from your last posts:
1) If I believe my ex is the one, why am I not making an effort to make it happen? That’s interesting. I’m not. So I’m in this space where I can’t go back and can’t seem to go forward either. Ugh. I’m not ready I guess.
2) The thoughts that he may see I love you to the ‘one’ when he meets her seems so far fetched to me as I felt he would never be able to say it as he’s so…I don’t know….avoidant. I guess I didn’t, in many ways, think it was because it was me. I felt that he couldnt ever say it cos he has work to do himself. But what if he does….then the anger will come I guess.
Be well and take care. xJanuary 31, 2020 at 2:40 am #335964
@genie – thanks for your kind words and acknowledgement that just because my relationship was short doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful. Tbh I feel like I am fumbling along but I really appreciate your pep talks!
@shelby – the rose coloured glasses are really something huh. But it’s good you’re open to being reminded of the uglier bits. I’m sorry to hear about your work stress and the anxiety of losing the key! Such a thing would make me super anxious too. I hope you are able to get some relaxation in this weekend?? The fact you still look for gratitude despite feeling like absolute sh*t at times says a lot about your strength of character. I salute you! One thing I am grateful for for sure is you starting this thread! Thinking of you and hoping you are able to get in some self care this weekend x
And as for I don’t want to jinx it but I really feel like this week has been a turning point in a positive way for me, despite being stressful.
Couple of ‘aha’ moments – got a call that my dad was in hospital with potential heart issues (luckily it was just a scare and he’s recovering at home now), and instinctively wanted to reach out to my ex for comfort. But it felt more… intellectual… this time. Like, while the idea still appealed, the reality has sunk in that I knew it would make me feel worse and that I could seek support elsewhere. So I avoided that entirely and talked to my housemates instead which was lovely. Not having such a gripping need for contact and support from her feels empowering..
Other one is, I have been trying extra hard to reach out to people in the spirit of remaining open to connection, instead of using it as an excuse to close myself off which is very very tempting – as a protective approach.
So… My brother, who lives overseas, and I live very seperate lives. I hadn’t talked to him in a very long time, but he messaged me about our dad. Usually the conversation would have been short and mechanical but this time I made the effort to ask him how his counselling is going (he told my parents over Christmas he was seeking it for anxiety). I explained I am struggling with it too. We ended up having a conversation about how it affects both of us, and I also told him about my break up, and came out to him in the process because I used the word ‘she’! Conversation ended with an agreement we are always here for one another despite not keeping in touch much and we should talk more. Deepest conversation we have had in years…
Second… On Monday I reached out to an acquaintance after she peer reviewed some work of mine – we don’t work for the same organisation but in the same field and she has just started a new job in an organisation I used to work for. Prior to being proactive about this post breakup my social anxiety would have stopped me from doing such a thing. We met up today and really, we hit it off so well that at the end I told her I feel like I’d known her for years – after 45 mins. We both shared mutual experiences I would usually take months to tell people about. It was really surreal, the instant connection and bond, Not in like a romantic way – I don’t even know if she is into women – just in a deeply human way. But also it’s the first time I have felt such an instant connection since meeting my ex it is nice to prove to myself that such a thing is possible!
I was reflecting afterwards about how when my ex told me that she was ultimately content with being solitary and didn’t generally see the need to seek connection from others (e.g she said to me a couple of times that she would be quite happy to live by herself in a remote place) I felt jealous for awhile. I have always been one to want to be around and get to know people deeply, and often wish I was more content on being alone because opening yourself up can lead to such pain, as it has with her. But this week has confirmed to me that I would rather seek connection and risk being hurt than not reach out at all. And I’m proud of myself for using this as an experience to be vulnerable, really. I am trying not to daydream about this potential new friendship too much but I do hope we meet again soon!
Anyway, have rambled enough. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my sad times this week. But I think for the first time in more than a year I can see a way out of this deep depressive hole I’ve been in, and see myself being able to move on from my ex. So celebrations definitely in order! If you got this far, thanks for reading. Happy weekend. XxxJanuary 31, 2020 at 4:03 am #335974
@adelaide so good to hear of your progress. You have become my positive inspiration. I know your disability doesn’t define you but your bravery to try when you could have easily resigned yourself to a life without that aspect to protect yourself is so admirable. I am so so proud and I really hope you find love again. Your own self awareness is also amazing. Look like mark ms article encouraged you to continue being brave and making new connections and understanding it is ok to lean on new support from those who care. Keep us updated I find your journey motivational xx
@shelbyville, I see myself in you. Our situ are very similar. So if I can do it so can you. If you want me to keep my beak out just say! But read the below might be the encouragement you need.
1) Did you find the key fob? Dont work yourself up if you haven’t. It will blow over if there is any tension.
2) You have turned the biggest corner in acknowledging for yourself you shouldn’t go back.
Thus YOU ARE READY, you have been since the resentment comment but put yourself in your own shit by keeping contact open – letting him set you back.
What gets on my tits is my ex did the same. I’d try so hard to get to a good place then when he hadn’t heard from me , he would send out a feeler to see if he still had the hold see IF he felt like it could have me. It felt amazing to see his name pop up but then the ache for more knowing it was not coming was horrid. Leaving me back at the beginning this wore me down and after 5 years i was tired. It’s always for their own curiosity and ego boosting don’t let your rose tinted view fool you. You ex is not a saint so don’t convince yourself it was because he wanted to do you “right” or “cared” why didn’t he care on your prev birthdays whilst contact was still freely open??? You have been asking yourself the wrong questions and tearing yourself apart when the problem was never you. It was him but your love for him skewed your perception.
YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD but you are over preparing and you can continue this way but sooner or later to move in a direction you have to take the STEP or LEAP towards it to progress in life.
I have been in the exact same situation I am telling you it’s time but what is holding you back is FEAR!! The only way to conquer it is to face it head on.
Letting go of what’s become familiar or your life as you know it which feels safe and copeable is frightening. But isn’t it more frightening to think if you feed your fear you will continue to waste precious time, lose opportunities and stop yourself from actually living to find a new purpose , all because of one guy who couldn’t love you for who you were? Let that hit home.
Once you take this next step let me tell you it will be liberating..do it in baby steps like me. Delete all conversations, block him and his friends (to move on you have to cut all ties) on all platforms! Have the last laugh by doing something he probably thinks you can’t – have you seen that block meme on Insta. Get on it Girl! Set yourself a target of a week where you won’t unblock. If it’s hard unblock for a day but start again the following day ..You will be shocked at how you do..it will turn to weeks etc and the letting go will happen without even consciously acknowledging it.
But above all focus on YOU. No ruminating about what you thought you had with him or reinforcing that rose tinted view of him. It is the biggest hold back. No comparisons. He was good in some aspects but not good enough overall. Remember that. Not you weren’t good enough for him.
Focus on what you wanted in life..what did you actually want out of a relationship? Find a person willing to meet you halfway, who will say I love you, who will everytime he is in your presence display affection in all forms. Who will be patient like my guy, take it slow there’s no rush. Give it a chance.. and realise what you had you can not recreate but you can have better by working on it with someone who wants it too that is the biggest difference in why a relationship is successful and why it fails. The give and take needs to be 50/50. Don’t let thoughts or fear of possible rejection stop you from trying as you will ruin it before its even begun. Again I made this mistake but thankfully my new guy is understanding of my past. You obviously have a big heart if you bent over backwards and contorted yourself to make a bad relationship work. You will find yourself again and just imagine once you feel your way through slowly and build something new with openness and vulnerability the love you can give to someone new who wants you for you will be even better because you’ll be getting it back too.
3) Ok warning! You may not want to believe this but reality check chick every person unless (highly traumatised – like incapable of a rship basically) is capable of saying I love you. And even in desperate scenario when the fear of losing you kicks in they will splurt it, just to keep you. Your ex didn’t even do it then after three break ups… so why are you going to give this person the time to make your anger kick in?
You have more self respect than that girl. You deserved an I love you. You deserved so much more.
When he finds the one,which wasn’t you or else even in desperate times he would have said it, HE WILL say it to her..what I don’t get is are you going to put your life on hold to have him crush you in that way and then move on? NO WAY. You better than that!
An example Terri was with Simon Cowell for over a decade he said he never would have children but guess what once he found the right one who happened to be his friends wife, he not only had an affair but got her pregnant. Even the avoidant type fall in love.
So right now, you are playing yourself. Move Forward. Realise your dream. You were brave to have sought love once and you need to be brave again now to seek your dreams!February 2, 2020 at 2:02 am #336266
@genie Thanks for your affirmation! My disability does define me in a lot of ways, but not in a negative way – it has shaped how I exist and interact with the world – what doesn’t define me but what I still let define me is people’s negative reactions to it which I have internalised. And that is not surprising given societal attitudes towards it; I mean there is a show featuring disabled people going on dates called “the Undateables” for gods sake. But I feel determined to let go of that shame. I deserve to value myself – other people’s perceptions are not my problem. Easier said than done, but working on it!
I had another lovely catch up with a close friend today. We spent a lot of time talking about relationships and anxiety. We are similar personality wise and relationship experience wise so it was particularly comforting. She told me she is definitely doing a speech at my wedding recounting these conversations. Ha, we’ll see!
I have been ruminating a lot today about whether or not my ex will contact me on my birthday later this week – imagining her not doing so and how hurtful that will feel. I’m not sure why I care so much – I guess because I’m human and I’d like to think she cares enough about me to make the effort to do that. There’s nothing to suggest she won’t, but also if she does I am not sure what I am expecting out of such an interaction. The temptation would be to suggest we meet up again but as I’ve already established that makes me feel worse, so why bother. I know it’s mostly the anticipation of it more than the contact itself, but there is no rationalising myself out of it. Brains… so weird.
Things are objectively a lot better than they were when I posted here almost three weeks ago. And yet, sometimes, like now, I still feel so sad that things didn’t work out and like I will never find love. I guess there’s nothing to do in such times then just sit with the sadness and know it will pass…
I saw this quote a few weeks ago and come back to it often
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
Someone reading may find comfort in it too. Hope you all have a good weekend!February 2, 2020 at 3:26 am #336272
Other peoples stupid limited brains shouldn’t stop you living your best life. You are worth more than their negative perceptions. Any real good person sees past a person’s flaws or limitations and loves them for who they are. Those are the people whose opinions you should value.
Your new friend sounds like a great new connection. Continue putting yourself out there and you will find love again because like that quote life is all about taking the risks to find new love.
Ideally chick I’d say a message from her should not be the focus point of YOUR birthday. It should be a celebration of you being able to embrace a new year should inspire you to make goals to fulfill by your next birthday. Should be spoiled by people who actually care. If you get one I advise saying thank you and leaving it at that then deleting her no. The thing is do you really need her to send you a message that will briefly feel good but most likely set all your wonderful progress back as you start ruminating again? If she doesnt then are you going to let her ruin your birthday? No you shouldn’t because it’s your day to celebrate. We often cause ourselves the pain by putting ourselves in the situation in the first place. It’s not worked out , you tried and you were brave take away the good and then leave it all behind. You deserve better x
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>February 4, 2020 at 2:22 am #336566
Thanks for your gentle, on point advice! I am in a much calmer state of mind tonight and I earlier was basically telling myself the same things you wrote. Letting my birthday – the one day of the year that we can be as self indulgent as we like – be defined by whether or not I get a message from her is ridiculous.
I have been reflecting on how many risks I have taken since my last birthday. I took big risks with both my living situation and my job and they have worked out beyond my wildest dreams. Last birthday I could have never imagined those aspects of my life being so good. Last birthday I couldn’t imagine falling in love. But they are, and I did. All of these things were wildly unexpected, and while the love one hasn’t worked out, I am so glad I took that risk. In this moment it feels like a gift – because I have been given an insight into what love is like, but also been given an opportunity to use it to find something better. I laugh at myself in these moments, because I sound like a different person when I am anxious and when I’m not, and I feel like one too – shows the power of the anxious mind! I know the the anxiety and sadness will return and I will doubt ever believing this. But here I am writing it down and positing it, so it must be. 🙂
Here’s to birthday celebrations and appreciating the good people and things in my life. There are so many! Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I really appreciate you. X
February 4, 2020 at 9:05 am #336630
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Adelaide1.
Most importantly chick wishing you the best most awesome birthday ever! Happy early Birthday chick! If you feel low do get in touch and one of us will definitely give you some perspective to remind you that you need to be self indulgent and enjoy the good things in your life.
There are low days even I get them still but you got to keep fighting them or else it’s very easy to spiral. You are brave and you recognise how much risk you took. Without it you may never have known how much love you have to give..it is like anything in life unless you try you don’t actually know whether or will be good or bad. If you enjoy it you’ve learnt something take it onto the next adventure with yourself. If you don’t or doesn’t work remind yourself that you were brave to try and have learnt what you do need. Reframe the negative thoughts. When you feel anxious do what I do chant something opposite/positive that is happening in your life or write it down as a reminder!
Here to listen anytime. Thanks @shelbyville for a thread where now after feeling shit for so many years I can use my experience in a positive way to help others! XxxFebruary 5, 2020 at 2:14 am #336720
@ Adelaide. Wow, thanks! You have no idea how much it means to know my cr@ppy experiences and hard-earned life lessons have helped other people, much appreciated! I did smile at the idea of you screenshotting ( is that even a verb? who knows?!?) them! Happy belated birthday too. I think Genie said it well for all of us about not making any possible contact from your ex the focus of the day. You’ve already come far enough to realise it wasn’t the right relationship for you, so even if she does contact you it’s not helpful, since you aren’t in the right space to want to be simply friends. It’s awesome how much you’ve focused on staying open with other people and how many positive experiences it’s given you. There’s a big ‘Disney-esque’ romanticism pushed through media on finding the one person to fill all your human needs – which is ridiculous when you think about it in reality. Everything in life is a balance, including romantic and non-romantic relationships. It really is amazing what happens when you reach out to people and you are truly inspirational for doing so well. As you can tell, I am a bit of a travel nut, especially now that I have retired so would love to hear more about the places you have lived if you don’t mind sharing.
@ Genie. Ha, yeah, right with you on how nice it is to know sharing our lessons and experience to help others. At the grand old age of 44, I got a few! It sounds like things are going really well with you now, slowly with the new guy and always looking forwards, not back. Congrats.
@shelby. Yeah, I’m now in Koh Lanta, typing this from my balcony over the sea. It is very easy to live cheap here, most meals are £1-3 each, delicious fruit smoothies a £1 etc etc. People are so friendly, especially if you take the time to talk/smile. I love it. Will be heading off to Langkawi in Malaysia via Koh Lipe and then onto George Town before working back up to Vietnam, which I’m already looking forwards to getting my Mi Quang & Banh Mi fix! Sounds like you are still pretty stuck on not moving on and not taking off those rose-coloured specs……..I know there’s nothing we here can say to make that happen for you but I do hope and wish you don’t waste too many more years on holding onto your dream of him. You know – that whole thing about not knowing what you want to do with your life is a big part of why you won’t let him go. He provided you direction and saved you from having to figure it out yourself or do anything about it. I know it’s so much easier to simply follow someone else but at the end of the day, it just creates a very unequal relationship – and hence a lot of anxiety in the one who’s doing the following. Honestly, spend any spare moment you get thinking about where you want to be in 5 years time – or for the ultimate shocker – try and envision your funeral and what you’d like people to be saying about you, what you would have done. Time goes by so fast and if you wait for life, it passes you by. Reach out and grab the life you want instead – I’m living proof 😉
@ Kkasxo – hope you are doing ok in this extra tough week for you. Take care eh.February 6, 2020 at 2:28 am #336882
Thanks so much @genie and @michelle for your birthday wishes! I had a lovely day with my housemates and a couple of friends. Lots of good eating and heartfelt wishes! I find birthdays in the social media age a bit overwhelming so I turned off my notifications which was good cos it also meant I did not ruminate about my ex contacting me too much. She did – a really nice, quite substantive message. I resisted the urge to type a paragraph back and just thanked her. I felt how I expected after seeing it… momentarily good but also sad about how I what it may have been like spending it with her, if we were still together – in an alternate universe.
The good thing is that, despite the sadness, I didn’t really feel the need to suggest meeting up this time as like you say, I know it’s not the right relationship for me. I’ll celebrate this as progress! I also met up with a friend for dinner soon after I saw it so I didn’t dwell too much. Chatting to my friend about it was really nice – about a year ago she split up with her partner of 15 years, so had some good advice and was reassuring about my progress. We talked about the importance of self kindness on hard days and making the most of the good ones. Again, a fulfilling conversation I am not sure I’d have had without this experience.
Now just need to focus on being kind to myself, continuing to build up my existing friendships and making new connections. Overall, I am feeling positive about this. Thank you again for your kindness and advice! You really, really have and do help me, and one day when I am a bit further on in the process I hope I can do the same
@michelle I will definitely share more about travel in another post soon. Your traveling lifestyle sounds wonderful!February 7, 2020 at 1:42 am #336994
Sorry to butt in on this thread but I have read almost the whole thing and just wanted to say how helpful I have found it. I can relate to all of your stories so much, especially Shelbyville- feel like I could have written your posts myself! I recently (ish) broke up with someone, and am feeling exactly how you were feeling at the start of the thread- waking up at 4/5 am every night, having stomach issues and serious issues with anxiety (I’m considering starting medication), dreaming of him and thinking about him maybe 90% of the time, but not checking his social media! I’m probably still in the denial stage hoping we’ll get back together one day, but it has been fascinating reading about how you guys did get back together and then broke up again. I also feel like I’m too sensitive and feel things too deeply, and that breakups hit me much harder than they do other people. In my situation, though, I was only with the person for a few months (although we’d been quite intense friends for a year beforehand) so I don’t have the excuse that it was a very significant relationship! The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that I felt very similarly when I broke up with someone around 5 years ago- it took me maybe 2 years to get fully over it, I kept feeling like he was perfect for me and eventually we’d get back together one day (although he had moved to America, which is why we broke up!). But now five years later, we didn’t get back together and I honestly feel nothing for that guy- I checked his social media for the first time since we broke up recently and it had absolutely no effect on me. So, whilst these things can take years to get over, I eventually really did, and found a new person to be heartbroken over!! I hope all of your situations work out and that you feel better- I just wanted to thank you for restoring my faith in humanity seeing you all consistently support each other, and providing this thread as a resource to help others like me gain perspective on our own situations.February 13, 2020 at 9:51 am #337980
@sarah Really empathise with you! Hope things have gotten a little easier day by day. I found it encouraging that you talk about the fact you got over your first heartbreak, even though you’re back there again. You’ll get over this one too – you’ve done it before! The thread is so helpful eh? I find myself coming back to it on bad days.
Hope you are all doing okay. I’m thinking about Valentines Day… it’s silly that a random made-up day can affect one’s emotions eh. But trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge that it is expected that I feel a bit sad about it.
I came across a quote that others may relate to, too:“You can be the whole package and still end up at the wrong address. When this happens, the receiver will mishandle you because 1, they don’t know what to do with you and 2, they weren’t meant to have you in the first place.”
Here’s to us all finding the right address!
Apart from the Valentines Day sadness I generally feel I am continuing to make progress. I ended up exchanging a few messages with my ex post birthday after she initiated conversation but I definitely didn’t feel as compelled to engage or suggest that we meet up. Putting myself out there again feels incredibly daunting still though, so I think I will just continue to focus on friends for now.
Take care all. XoFebruary 14, 2020 at 11:30 am #338312
Firstly Adelaide – Belated Happy Birthday. I hope you had a special day. Birthdays are special. To me. I don’t care how old we get, it’s always nice to have a fuss made of you for one day in the year!
Sarah, I’m sorry you’re going through similar heartbreak to my own. Day in, day out I see evidence that break ups happen all the time and that it’s a normal and common part of life…and yet….when it happens to you, it’s as though the world has forever changed and pivoted in one swift blow. It’s heartening (if you could call it that!) to hear you loved once before and found love again, I’m just sorry it didn’t work out this time.
Michelle, thanks for the advice. You know you I know. I’m not determined on staying stuck, I have done things over the past year to enrich my life, to move it forward, to try and bring me happiness and yet I find I wind up back where I am. I even got frustrated with my therapist this past week as I said to him it’s ridiculous to still be in the same place at this stage and we need to get this therapy thing moving a bit faster to help me move on. He replied “are you enjoying kicking the absolute sh!t out of yourself over there Shelby?” I have so many people telling me always, including wonderful life coaches, family, friends….that I SHOULD be over it now, I SHOULD be doing things to improve my own life for my own self and securing my own future happiness. I often feel sick in my tummy at the stress of not living up to everybody else’s “shoulds”.
I’m sad, I’m still sad and Sarah, you’re absolutely right about the sensitive thing….but my therapist maintains that we’re not ‘overly’ sensitive, we are just highly sensitive and we were born this way and it’s not something that we should try to beat out of ourselves, it’s who we are. My new friend – the lovely sweet kind guy who I tried the romance with a couple of months ago, says sometimes he actually hurts to see how much I hurt in the world. He says he sees who I am and that because I feel so much, he can’t understand how I get through some days as so much of humanity hurts me. I guess he’s right, he says I should come with a ‘delicate’ warning….and not in a bad way, but he feels that I’m so empathetic it ends up hurting me too much. I mean, he’s not wrong. I guess on the upside, I feel love a lot more too, which is wonderful if you have love in your life. For now, the joy my nephews bring me is beyond what I can cope with sometimes – I would go to the ends of the earth for them and I’m consumed with worry if they are sick or do anything remotely risky! I try to switch it down a notch, but it’s hard.
Anyway, bit of a tangent there, sorry! I have finished my highly stressful short term work project – thank heavens – so I’ve taken myself off for a mini-break in a hotel which is lovely. It’s so scenic and yes it’s Valentines, which isn’t ideal, but hey, I’ll survive. Doesn’t bother me too much at all as my ex was not into Valentines or doing anything romantic around this date, so I’m not missing anything like that! I also got the part-time job at the makeup counter in the department store that I interviewed for the past few weeks, so i’ll be starting that soon and they’re sending me for intensive training, which will really stand to me in the future.
More and more Michelle, all I want to do is travel! Every week now I find I want to go, and I’m such a homebird…..or was at least! I don’t know where this has come out of, maybe I’ve a bit more confidence to go further afield on my own now, who knows? But it’s just not a possibility with literally no money right now and then I’m at the stage of my life, where I wonder should I be trying to save for a mortgage, that I’ll probably never be able to afford….but ya know….plans……and all that! Langkawi sounds absolutely amazing. My friend wanted me to go there when returning from Kuala Lumpur but I just didn’t have the time or money for another diversion. Typing away on your computer on a balcony overlooking the sea, is honestly….goals for me!!!
@kkasxo, I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I hope you’re doing okay, I know this is a tough time of year for you. Perhaps you’re managing it better than you thought this time round? I hope this is the case. Let me know how you are doing.