Hi @adelaide

Thank you so much chick for always talking so much sense and lending an ear. Your insights are so calming and give me the focus that I need. I did exactly what you suggested. Calmed myself and asked for lunch date when he is back and he didn’t decline which is positive. I’ll talk it out with him in person. Meanwhile @shelbyville you are right I need to get some therapy again because this relapse of anxiety has started to get out of control and evolving in other forms and i don’t want it to grip my my life. Yes I agree we shouldn’t be focused solely on loss but loss is felt when you care it’s inevitable. I also agree that what I did in protecting myself wasn’t malicious but it was selfish and hurtful at times to him and I am aware enough to see the unfair impact it’s had on him. However I will work at it and make it up to him because I do believe he is someone who makes my life more fulfilled and I want to risk it all again. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

@ adelaide I’m so glad your not just going for hook ups because before I met Jay I was in the mindset of get under someone to get over another and it doesn’t work and does more damage to your self esteem. Your new acquaintance has began to have more depth. So I’m happy for you that you are still being brave and risking it. You deserve the best!

@shelbyville I know your questions not addressed to me. However you always help me. I think if you have a chance to enhance your career and have new adventure grab it with both hands. Do the interview, shine and if you get it. Go for it. Make up industry job is fun but will it really challenge you?

Also with new beginnings. You may find new goals and new purpose. You seem actually in a better place so I’m not sure why your new friend thinks your lost.

You seem to have come to a point of acceptance. I wouldn’t have recommended contacting your ex because you may undo all your hard work and progress on trying to begin new pastures. Tread carefully.  Also if your ex is being very cordial it must most likely mean for him there’s someone new on the scene or he is completely done. Do you want to put yourself through that? Ultimately your own choice but don’t be sucked in again as an ex is an ex for a reason. Good luck too but fight your fears and brace a new adventure. Fortune favours the brave!

Hi @shelbyville

That’s the thing with hope it’s a great thing however in cases like this hoping for hollywood romantic scene to materialise where two lovers cross paths and everything is perfect again is dangerous. It is what stops us from progress. The mind is a powerful weapon what you feed it is what will unravel for us. So I would stop all contact now. Move on you are not going to be in each others lives do you really need to stand on the sidelines and discover the moment he meets someone new. Do you think it is what you need to pick at that same wound and hurt again and again? Let go. That is the final step. Wish him well and if you do see each other again be cordial but don’t feel it is a concentrate task to keep no contact instead think of it as done. Tell your mind it’s closure. If you now try to do what I did and be an acquaintance or friend you may still carry some renewed hope but he will time and time again hurt you when he rejects you. From my pain I I don’t want anyone to go through that.

Your job comes down to one thing..which one will make you most happiest in long run. Which one will make you feel I did it..I ventured out to a new city, new connections or I tried a whole new Avenue and worked my way up. Be wary that although right now mr happy ever after is not on the scene he will be i believe you will find love again. So which job out the two is better in the long run for family etc.

Thow are things with your new friend?

Also you are just harsh on yourself..the way you were when I first came on here to now is completely different. You are making movement. Final thing to say none of us know who we are but just take each day and discover new things about what you like and what fulfils you and you’ll be a more happier person for it.

Jay and I are going to be. I’m going to try as that is all I can do. With effort and patience and a good heart to heart I’m going to make him see the genie who he turned his head again. This life is full of options but instead of choosing one and trying we give up. So I’m going to commit to being a better person for myself and encourage a more healthier relationship with Jay. Wish me luck!!

Just an update @adelaide @shelbyville

Met Jay yesterday. It was very emotional. Feel kind of like I had out of body experience.

We met at a local bistro. I was really really anxious at one point wanted to cancel go home. Anyway he turned up good start, I was wearing a mask because of coronavirus and he said I hope you are going to take that thing off and when I asked why…he said he wanted to kiss me. I said what if you are infected and I get it. He replied we can then quarantine together. 14 days together …your choice? Yes chicks, I kissed him!

I was not expecting that! But it’s like he knew I needed a statement of some sort to tell me or put me at ease off the bat to which way it was heading. We enjoyed lunch and had a real heart to heart.

He said he had felt a little out of his depth, he had never dealt with someone who has anxiety before alongside the baggage of my ex it had become a bit too much. He didn’t know whether he was helping or making things worse, at the same time he had needs which weren’t being met so thought at least as friends he could avoid those expectations or pressurising me until I was ready. He said he felt he had been really patient and didn’t know what more he could do and me going off on him made him feel like he was not enough and I was beginning to take liberties and he didnt like that feeling. I felt really sad and guilty at this point because I know he has been and gone beyond what any other man would.

He said in the space he missed me even though at first he was annoyed, he still thought I was special. He said he wished he was a mirror so he could reflect back what he saw in me so I could finally see it. This made me cry, him uncomfortable and he just held my hand and said I’m going to make you see it somehow.

He concluded even though we kissed today he thinks friends is the best way forward for now until I’ve dealt with my issues because he doesn’t want to jump into anything serious or labels because it adds more pressure and more needs. We agreed to keep hanging out at least 1 a week and then have these heart to hearts to communicate where we are at and when we are both ready to move up. He said we are kind of in a relationship but just not label it.
I just wanted to jump in his arms and tell him I am falling in love with him and I just want to be his. But he is right there are issues I need to deal with to be the best partner to him. He deserves that. Knowing me if I move onto the next stage I may just end up blaming him as my anxiety is out of control at the moment and I don’t want that to happen. I want our intimate moment to be special after all this struggle and not tarnished by my anxiety.

He mentioned he struggles to cope with the change of me being hot one minute then aloof and cold the next and I needed to get to a place of stability. When he said that it reminded me of my ex. I felt physically sick I was now doing that to someone. Wow how past relationships impact us! He said it makes him feel toyed with, undesired and used. He said he did not appreciate me accusing him of cheating or taking advantage of his kind nature. I needed to be more aware that although he is so giving he doesn’t like being made to feel like that. I apologised again and he sensed me getting upset because I felt so bad so he gave me a hug and said it was in the past but just be aware that he may not have anxiety or issues as such but has feelings and is affected by my actions too. He said if there are times he feels overwhelmed he will tell me but I needed to respect his space without thinking the worst eg he is cheating.

He made me feel on cloud 9 during the lunch. I didn’t want it to end. I left and got back home and felt like I didn’t deserve him. I felt what have I done to get a guy who is so compassionate, loving and accepting. What does he see in me? He is hot, funny, intelligent, kind and could have anyone he wanted. Why me? Then I tried to pull myself out of the self loathing and looked in the mirror and said he chose you Genie. So be better, be the reason he wakes up in the morning and he feels I’m lucky to have this chick. Stop the self esteem issues ruining something great.

I think it’s going to be a journey but I’m fully committed to proving to this man he made the right choice in waiting. I’m fully committed to realising my happiness. The effort, patience and care he has shown me in short space is something I’m no longer going to take liberty of. I want to come on here one day and say I loved and I lost. I was broken but I rose again. I found real love when I was in a hopeless place , the kind when you are in the dark and feel unlovable but an angel pulls you out. The real love when they love you at your worst. So I can only imagine how much he will love me at my best. That’s what I’m going to work towards being the best Genie for myself and him. I’ll keep you updated and I’m sure I’ll screw up again somewhere along the line but I’m determined. I’m ready. Wish me luck.

Hello my friends!

Thank you for so much for being so kind. I have taken so much heart in your words and your perceptions of me. I know this is an internet forum but I genuinely enjoy the connections we have all made here and the support we give each other. I am glad my advice helps and hope you know that I feel the same about the advice you give me.

@shelbyville, have you made a decision about your job yet?? I hope therapy gave you the guidance you were looking for.

Reading about how your friend makes you feel made me smile, and also felt so familiar in terms of thinking you are not good enough. I am so happy you can be yourself around him wholly and unapologetically… you deserve that, we all do!

@genie – have you met with Jay yet? Hoping you are feeling okay these past few days!

I have had a very fulfilling week in terms of social connection. I have been at one gathering or another almost every day some unexpected. One such unexpected connection came after I went to a play at the last minute a couple of nights ago and had the loveliest interaction with the performer during the show; it’s hard to explain without having to go into the performance, but she came up to me afterwards and said that she could just feel that I am a good person with a genuine heart and that I would be up for interacting with her, and we had a long chat. It was just so nice and a good reminder both that I can be spontaneous and that people see me as worth connecting with.

I also had some very high praise at work from multiple people. It’s clear that a lot of people believe in and think highly of me, but my brain tends to go into self critic overdrive in these situations still. I can tell that the biggest thing holding me back is my own perceptions of myself, which I find very frustrating but also I guess is empowering because it is something I can change. I am just impatient as to the pace! Increasingly I am realising that chasing connections in the hope that they will give me validation, as I have throughout my life, is just a recipe for failure; if I can find that value in myself, then the connections will happen naturally. Sounds easy in theory!! Practice, not so much…

Thanks for your reassuring comments about my acquaintance. I feel more okay with where things are at and am just trying to “let it be”. If I think about my close relationships, all have peaks and lulls but the important thing is they have developed naturally, as this will or won’t. In hindsight I think much of the interactions I have had with this person has been “fawning” related. See: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-people-pleasing for a useful article on this concept, if you’re interested. I’ve been learning more about it and it certainly helps to explain how I interact and react at times.

Hope you’re all coping okay during this Covid-19 panic. I have been worrying a bit about how my ex will cope.I know she’ll be anxious; her immune system is so bad that I think if she got it, it would be really serious. I perhaps unwisely sent her a message saying that I hope she’s doing okay, with all the hysteria around it, and to take care. While perhaps I shouldn’t have done that, I also recognise that it’s natural I care about her; I just musn’t let it become an excuse to keep in touch with her or to see her. I can imagine that if we were still together, and if I was in the same mental space as I was in the relationship, I would be extremely anxious about it, and feel very bad that I wasn’t able to protect her; this would be unhealthy and unhelpful for us both. Good to have this hindsight – need to use it as motivation to keep looking forward.

Thanks for letting me muse, as usual. Take care, all! xx

Hey all,

Sorry for the radio silence – for some reason I’m no longer getting notified when this thread gets updated – eventually I figured it had been so quiet I’d take a look anyway and found all the latest! Hopefully it’ll start updating me again going forwards but if not I’ll try to remember to look in.

So, on my part, made it to Phu Quoc in Vietnam for the last stint of our trip. It’s been amazing, often challenging but always rewarding. Not had too many issues with C-virus, only one flight change so far and lots of face masks. They’re dealing with it pretty well over here tbh, sounds like quie a different story back in the UK – not really looking forwards to returning!! @Shelby – we ended up liking KL way more than we thought we would, not being city people and all, it’s very friendly for a big place and whilst I find the limitations on women hard to deal with in Malaysia in general, I enjoyed our 3 nights there, though I loved Georgetown way better. Vietnam is hard to describe – it’s both amazing and tough. If you go off the well-beaten track at all you really can’t be a sensitive type and have to accept the conditions/animal handling as part of their culture – as well as all the communist type influence that’s still strong in a lot of places. But it is so welcoming, great food, cheap, interesting it keeps me hooked for sure. Worth adding to your next trip but just be aware of what it is.

@Kkasxo – so good to hear from you!! It must be tough having a moving date for your family, I know how much support they provide for you. Does moving in with your sister mean giving up your flat with Mr A?  Like Shelby, I think you sometimes don’t give yourself enough credit as to how far you have come and what you have survived. I’m not an expert clearly but I think learning to live with PTSD must be similar to any other mental struggle – it’s about learning those coping mechanisms and recognising your triggers so you minimise it’s impact on you rather than thinking you can ‘cure’ it.

@Shelby.  I’d be agreeing with Adelaide on this one, until you go for the interview and actually get offered the job – no decision to be made.  It’s an interesting choice and one I’ve faced when I was still working.  I have found that the ego/society edge didn’t last long, unsurprisingly. So I’d try not to let that influence you too much. However, the choice of more money (some travel budget?!?) , your own place in a new city, new people and all the potential that comes with that – those are all great positives. Mostly, I think these decisions come down to understanding where you want to be in the 5, 10 years etc. If you want to be your own boss and the sales job is the only route to it, then it becomes simple. Etc.   Re the contact with your ex – yeah, I remember that well. The recognition in the way he communicated that he’d moved on, thought of me differently. Ouch, ouch, ouch – it was like going through the rejection all over again. But it did help with a big shove along the closure path, hopefully you will find that too.

@ Adelaide.  I love your contributions here – it’s always so nice to “meet” other people who are very self-aware. It’s a pain in the proverbial for sure at times and often seems easier to not be so!  I’m glad to read you figured out the temporary ego boost from the flirtatious contact wasn’t worth it. Sure, it’s nice to feel it but as you say, you have to know your self-worth isn’t dependent on other people liking you. And that’s extra hard when you’re a people pleaser, it’s just second-nature and takes a lot to break that chain of thought. Keep working on it, it does get easier each time you change the way you respond, instead of reacting. No harm in reaching out to your ex during this weird time but absolutely recognise your own boundaries and weak points. Like the airplane videos – you can’t help others until you have looked after yourself!

@Genie  I’m so glad the talk went well, Jay sounds like a guy who can express himself well and it’s brilliant the two of you can talk so easily. That’s a good sign for sure. You definitely have a lot of anxiety and confidence issues to work through. It’s fantastic that you dump out your panicky feelings here rather than off-loading on to him – that’s taking responsibility for them and not letting them make you react badly to what is simply a feeling – not a fact. Awesome.  Try to continue to trust in the relationship and the bond you guys have. When you feel yourself starting to either worry or withdraw because you are scared of getting hurt – remind yourself of what you have written here and face the fear. Nothing happens without taking a risk – all we can do is make sure the risks we take are ones we think are worth it. Jay sounds worth it.

Take care all – wish me luck in having any flights home in 10 days!