I’m a bundle of nerves now. I think she’ll get it tomorrow so hopefully by then or Thursday I will have my answer and be able to move on regardless.

Whats  screwed, is now I’m wondeing if that is the right choice.  If im opening myself up to get hurt again.  Too many variables in this.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off alone.

Yes, it’s a letter that i’ve re-written several times.  Trying not to sound needy and desperate, but also saying how i do miss her, and that i have faults of errors of my own that i did not see before.  I think it’s a good one.  but i’m the one who wrote it too…  We will see.

I’m getting ready for camping this weekend and will be with 6 other families.  so hopefully i won’t think about it too much, although i will be the only single guy(dad).  And that’s one thing that’s always been hard.  Being the only single guy all the time.  Kind of sucks watching everyone with their families, (kids and wives).  And there i am…  the loner…  It was nice last year when my ex went camping with us.  I really felt complete with her.

But i will be busy.  I think she will respond right away.  She always has before for whatever i’ve asked her in the past.

well, i texted her this morning just to see how she is doing.  I guess her man is coming home for 3 weeks tomorrow.  I asked her if he makes her happy and is in love with him.  She said “yes, and sorry, i know that’s not what you wanted to hear”

I told her

“I know. I do want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you. Even if it hurts that I couldn’t do that. (Not trying to guilt or make you feel bad ). I guess for me, I’m just really fucked up. Who would of known Mr perfect had so many issues right? ?. No fun being on this end?. I do wish I could redo everything. I know I can’t. That’s something I have to learn to live with. I’m trying.
You are a once in a lifetime love.
I hope I can find that again someday.
Thank you for being in my life and trying to be my friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you happy.
I would like it if you could respond after you read my letter. After that I won’t contact you anymore. I can’t do this to myself. And it’s not fair to you.
I hope you understand. I don’t want bad feelings between us. You’ll always have a place in my heart. ?”

man this freaking hurts.  I really hope someday i can get over her.  I think the part that hurts the most is knowing that i was the one who caused it to end.  I had something beautiful and I smothered it till it died.  This pain is unbearable.  True love really freaking sucks.

Just sucks.  I never loved someone like that before.  I asker her when she started feeling this way.  And if it was when she wanted a break after that trip to her brothers wedding.  She keeps avoiding that all together.  Part of me really thinks something happened with her that weekend that she’s not admitting and never will.  She’s too proud.  It was just odd how up until that weekend everything was good, then after that weekend it all changed.  Everything.  It was seriously overnight.  And she did give me two different versions of the wedding night.  One was that they all just hung out together in a hotel room and talked(her family), the other was that they partied all night, and stuff.  Why would someone outright ask her to go to his room and make “bad decisions” unless she was provoking it.  And did she?  Seriously, when she returned.  she was completely different with me.  Like she couldn’t talk to me or look at me anymore.  Things i used to say that she ‘Loved”, she hated.  even when we were together, everything was different.  Way different.  She said she wasn’t talking or seeing anyone, but i did notice(by accident, then i obsessed about it.  bad me i know) that she was on and off FB or Messenger ALOT, like on for 1 or two minutes, then off ,then back on then off.  All day long, everyday.  Even when we were texting serious stuff, she was on and off several times between texts.  I think either something happened that weekend, or she met someone and it changed everything.

She did tell me that i was hypocritical and a control freak, which she was a hypocrite also.  And she couldn’t ever stick with anything.  She flaked on my a lot and always said she would make up for it.

I asked when she started seeing these flags and why not discuss them with me so we could work it out.   She said she couldn’t work out anything.  She is broken.  I guess we are not meant to be with each other.  I needed answers, and she couldn’t communicate with me.  Fucking sucks though.  i do love her.  I would of worked out any issues she had with me if she could of actually told me.  I hope someday i can get past her.

Yes i will leave her alone, i need to move on.  I wish she didn’t flirt like she did.  Why tell me that things with him weren’t serious and it’s not a real relationship, if she really felt that way about him?

Getting angry.  Damnit.  I need to quit obsessing and move on.  Thanks for listening.  I do  hate being alone though.  very hard.  I want someone to give my love to.  I really am a good guy with a huge heart.  Where are all the good ladies at?  I just want someone to take care of for the rest of my life, i felt it in my bones that she was the one.  I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to trust my heart with someone again though.  Okay, i’m rambling.  Please give me more feedback, this has helped me tremendously.  thanks.

So where are these friends of yours?  JK. HAHA.

Yeah, I’m going to talk to that gal again. Tell her everything and see how she feels. I do like her. Maybe part of my problem was having this lingering hope of getting back together with my ex. She is a good person and wants the best. It’s just hard cause she says a lot of the same things my ex did.  No joke like word for word things. really makes it difficult.

But maybe now that I have a definite answer, my feelings might change for the better.

As far as my ex wife, your not going to believe this. I wanted more time for myself. I wanted to be more independent and she just wanted me to show her I loved her. Once again I was too ignorant to see the writing on the wall until it was too late

I went from being to independent and “winging it” with my ex wife to being too needy and trying to plan every moment with my  Ex.

Whats funny is that when my ex wife left me. I wasn’t no where destroyed like I was when my ex left.

so with the last girlfriend.  I wasn’t independent.  I guess i was still kind of needy, but I was trying not to be.  Trying not to make the same mistakes i did before.  Although she told me at one time, ” i’m at the point where you can come over whenever you want, don’t have to call or text, you can just show up”  A big difference than my ex.  Whom it was difficult to do anything.  Its funny cause she always called herself the wing-it type.  But when ever i tried to be spontaneous and wing-it.  There was always something that came up.  I felt like anytime i wanted to do something spontaneous, there was drama that prevented it.  The only way we could do anything was by planning.  An also being an hour and a half apart, not exactly easy just to show up or wing it on a dime…  Sorry,  off tangent…  With my latest…  I’m trying to find a balance of not being too needy, but still being my self.  I do know i don’t want to be alone.

With the ex-wife.  We did try to fix it.  She really did.  She went above and beyond trying to get my attention.  But once again, i was blind.  I didn’t have a clue she was feeling this way or that i was being that way.  We really tried to work on it, but she got to a point where she gave up.  I did find out through my break up with my ex.( My ex-wife was very supportive to me and helped me get through it).  What all my ex-wife went through.  I had no idea.  She was depressed and hurt bad.  So yes, she was destroyed.

yes B, I did read that about  a therapist.  I will look into that.  you all have been wonderful though

This all does stink though.  I really wish that she could of been able to just sit down and actually talk to me.  what’s really fucked is that we’ve talked more about everything that went wrong now then we ever did when we were together.

Seriously, if she would have pulled me aside and said,” John, there are things about you that i’m having a hard time with.  You’ve started to change and i don’t know if this is something that i can do”  And actually told me all the things.  I know i could of bettered myself.  There were so many times when i asked her if everything was okay, and she said yes.  I’ve even told her once that i felt a tension between us and it was scaring me, and she still never said anything(this was only one month before she broke up with me).  So i guess this is  a lot to do with her and her lack of communication with me.

If she would of told me that she didn’t want any help with anything, that all she needed was for me just to listen, and that she felt like i was being a hypocrite, which i was(just didn’t see it at that time)  and anything else.  What’s really sad is that all the things that she told me yesterday are things that I put in the letter i sent to her that i  have realized that i did with her that i want to change about myself.  I don’t know if she got it yesterday or will today.  But just sucks.  I have realized things i need to work on, and if she could of communicated those things, i would have before she got to that breaking point.  She said she was always honest with me.  Well, i don’t think she really was, other wise i would of known about how she was feeling before it was too late.

Lastly, like i said previously.  I really think something did happen at the wedding.  I was re-reading the text she sent me yesterday.  All she said is that “I’m not discussing vegas again”.  We never did really discuss what happened and why she changed so much.  It was all like a switch.  Before she left, there was no change, when she got back seriously, it felt like she couldn’t talk to me or see me anymore, like she felt guilty.  It was weird.  She quit using pet names, telling me she loved me, anything intimate.  It was like talking or texting a stranger.  And the fact she didn’t talk to me on the phone except for the night after she got back for 5 mins, then not for 3 weeks after that!.  And when we took a break.  Some of the things she said, they were harsh and tricky.  Like when she said,” I’m not a hypocrite and it was never intentional”  but never specified about what, and she also told me”you should move on and start a new chapter in your life, I’m not meant to be in a relationship and what is meant to be will be”

It was all like she had done something and felt horrible about it and wanted me to leave her.  Whenever i brought up that weekend or the break afterwards, she never wanted to talk about it.  She never wanted to talk about anything.

So maybe we weren’t meant for each other. All i do know, is until that trip took place, everything was good.  Then after is when it all fell apart.

wow, i like to ramble..

Thank you brandy. You just made my day.

Yeah. I do obsess.  That is something I’m trying to learn to stop doing. Whatever happened is out of my control. Just hard not knowing what happened. Especially since she recently told me at that time she wasn’t thinking about breaking up. It wasn’t until after. Very confusing. It also makes it very hard to be able to trust again.

I really do try to listen. I know that sometimes when reading texts or messages I have a tendency to skim and only see key words. And when I used to send messages I would type and send without giving it time and the proof reading first so I may have said things I really didnt mean.

I do try to make myself better and I would of done anything to do that with her  I know with the woman I was recently seeing.  I told her that I did try to “help” too much when I should listen and that I do get needy and selfish sometimes when things don’t work out and that’s another thing I’m working on.  Also when things didn’t work with my ex, I would sit at home and pout instead of taking advantage of the time and doing things that I should of.

I really learned a lot of painful things about myself.  I wish I could of learned these things before it was too late.

She didn’t receive the letter yet  maybe today

One thing I’m curious about her response is that a lot of all of the things she told me about myself that caused issues in our relationship are things that I brought up in the letter.  Like me trying to fix her and be a control freak.  In that letter I said that I didn’t want to and that nobody can fix her but her just like I’m the only one that can fix my issues.  Another thing is about how she liked to wing it. I told her I don’t want to live in the past or plan the future  I just want to live for them moment and take it slow and easy and didn’t expect anymore than she could give me..  there was more…

I’m really curious of her response  since I sent that letter before she told me those things.  I know she doesn’t want me back  she made that clear.  Still curious what she has to say.

I did talk to her today  I said  that everything I said in the letter I was completely honest and was 100% true.

I also told her her that she must not be too broken like she claim if she fell in love with the first guy that she met barely a month after we broke up.  I said I wasn’t trying to make her mad, I was just telling her how I felt .

i also said

“You told me that I only heard what I wanted to. Well if I could tell you and you will listen. If you really love him like you did me or more and want it to work. Then if you do start feeling things or seeing flags. Then please talk to him. Really talk to him. Let him know specifically about how you feel and what your thinking so he is aware.

I know I did ask you several times if we were okay and if I was losing you, and all you told me is we were good and you weren’t going anywhere. I even told you once that I felt a tension growing and you dismissed that as well saying it’s just you. Well apparently it was me also. And anytime I did want to talk. You weren’t up for it. That was all I needed.

Seriously. If you would of taken the time and sat down with me face to face and told me how I was being a hypocrite and how I was controlling and needy. Been specific and blunt. To the point. I would have been able to work on that and who knows…

So please. With Him. If you do have troubles. Then talk to him. Not text or message. Too much can get misunderstood that way.

I wish you could of talked to me and given me the chance to fix myself before there was a last straw. I didn’t even know that there was other straws. I was clueless.

I’m telling you this because I care about you. If he really does make you happy, then please talk to him if something is bothering you. So that relationship doesn’t end before there is a chance to make it shine.

I do t expect you to respond to this or my letter if you want to that would be great. And the reason I’m telling all this is because like I said I do care for you and I do want you to be happy. We all have things to grow on and learn and I know I am and I hope you do as well. If you ever do decide you do want to go down this road again I will be here. I honestly don’t see myself with anyone serious for a long time. Good luck I hope life treats you well and I hope Ryan treat you better.

Goodbye Jennifer. I will miss you. I do wish I could of been there with you through this change you have made.

If we ever cross paths or you ever want to talk again. Don’t be a stranger. Take care. ?”

She just said she has t seen the letter yet and we joked about the post office.

So we will see if she says anything. At this point though I will be done. It is hard to let go. But I have to. I can’t ever start something new if I don’t. No matter how much I miss her and want her back. I do need to try to move on.