if you showed up back then.. when I was your age and we talked as we talk now, maybe .. no, not maybe, I know I wouldn’t feel alone anymore, it would have been wonderful.. you would have been enough, for me.

I was wondering what it feels like, to have a person like you in real life, how my life could’ve change, how greatful i would be, then i remembered what i already have, a little sister, that loves me, and i love her too, i like when she gets mad over simple things, and she start to hit and scream, im the only one that let her do that, she is so comfortable with me, i always wanted someone to be kind with, to show him my true self, to just give and understand, the same way you do to me, i really don’t have any words, the don’t just understand me, you even like me, and i feel so warm, just knowing that there is a person like you, so perfect, i feel like words can describe how grateful i am, i have hope, that maybe i could meet people like you, and im welling to try from what i have, i just saw a guy outdoor alone, and went to talk to him, to give, not make him lonely, just the same way you do to me, without any price.

I want to re-read your recent posts

Please don’t, i wanted to edit/delete some of them, im already so tired of my thoughts, i want you to forget all the things i said back there, i should’ve thought more about it before i write, and for that im sorry, i promised that i will make effort, and the past few post i didn’t made much, i repeat myself a lot, A LOT, the same ideas over and over again, the same excuses, the same reged thinking, i don’t want you to see me like that, you already saw me at my worse, and i can’t believe you still like me somehow, you just too perfect i swaer lol, i will make a new post tomorrow after your reply, hopefully not something that involves any of this above, i really don’t know what, you already know me, i feel like i already said everything, so i would appreciate it if you guide me with this conversation

our communication is different from last time

I don’t know if i told you this, but when you didn’t want to replay anymore, i imagined you leaving, a lot, we were sitting on a bunch, some garden, and you leave, and i cry, beg you not to go, but you leave, some part of the fantasy i didn’t like, you leaveing, the void i would feel, not being seen again, not being heard, no attention, no sympathy, i fantasized this a lot, before i get bored of it, the part of you not liking me hurt the most, i remember just now, this feels like a past life, like it was never me, i happen to have a short memory of the past, i don’t remember much, but sometimes when i do, and i see myself now, i just realize how much i changed, for the better, how much did i grow, and i don’t even try to grow, it just happens,  i don’t even try anymore with anything, i just live

One thing i wanted to ask you, and maybe go deep on it, is that i like sadness, no let me correct myself, i LOVE sadness, i miss it, the pure sadness everyday, the misery, the helplessness, you know i actually somehow get excited for those, i sometimes fantasize about just being so miserable, having something so bad to happen to me, and just be dipped in sadness and misery, this thing reminds me of my mom, she like being a victim, she is so sensitive that if we said something slightly bad, she would cry, i think she enjoy it, but she doesn’t know, this is bad i know, and i like not having this mood, the sadness, ever since i took antidepressants, though its the only feeling i had.

 did she misuse your (and your sister’s) empathy, sort of sucked it out of you until all that remained in you was apathy?

i really can’t say, although i began to see empathy as something that people use to control you, i remember a couple of times i did somethings because of empathy, some stupid things, ever since i left religion, i saw a lot of my action was controlled by religion/feelings, she might added fuel to the fire, i seem to have little to say when it comes to my mother, i really don’t care about her

Feeling sadness is a calm feeling, preferable to the agitating/ unpleasantly-exciting feelings of fear and anger. Sadness is preferable to all the feelings, I think- the calmest, least disturbing. Do you agree?

yes, since i really feel something, i sometimes chase feelings, chills,

i actually like taprooms, we don’t have this around here though, i also like wine, there is this movie (sideways), its about a depressed  guy who likes wine, its a really good movie, watching movies made me desire to be in a taproom and drink wine, its probably not that good, as i imagine it.

sounds very cool, especially the people part, to talk to people, i would imagine seeing someone and having a deep conversation, just two people talking, a good agreement, sounds like heaven

i just remembered something, one of the reason i like sadness, is because i like to feel sorry for myself, some sort of empathy to myself, since no one does empathies with me, no one to hear it, no audience, though i wouldn’t wanna an audience, since i wouldn’t be as comfortable as i am with myself, i wouldn’t have to worry if im troubling them or brothering them or im being too needy, i just be.

these days i hardly think, my mind is empty, i guess its always like this, and i already said what i have, nothing else left tbh

dear peter

Sorry if I offended you

you didn’t, i might sound like i was but i didn’t, i was simply stating facts.

 I don’t presume to understand you

the thing is, you really can’t advice me when you don’t know me, imagine telling a homeless person to just work or just live life, it would be unkind don’t you think ?

I wasn’t offering advice just a philosophical perspective on my view of Life

no offence but its not yours, its called Taoism, and you just following what they say (this accusation is based soloy on your previous replay, its a bold accusation but im welling to risk it and be open to be wrong)

The idea that Life is suffering is one of the 4 noble truths

now you know why i accuse you of following Taoism, in my world, there is no truth, there is no “noble” truth, you know that truth is relative right? sure suffering is a part of life, im not disagreeing here, im just saying, that whatever you think is true, doesn’t apply to me, i don’t follow any philosophy or rules, i make them, if that means i live in misery, so be it

I find your generalization of ‘norimes’ troubling and likely unhelpful. It seems to be dependent on your ability to ‘know’ what others are feeling and experiencing, something you often accuse others of.

i never say someone is a norime without evidence, and your replay back there is enough evidence for me, sure i might be wrong, but again im welling to take the risk and accuse you of something you might be not, though your replay was a norime replay

I was wrong about what I thought you were seeking and we aren’t using language in the same way

this isn’t the only thing you wrong about :D, if my language use bothered you, then im sorry, i really didn’t mean anything then saying the truth, and by truth i mean my truth

I wish you well. I suspect you won’t believe that

why you suspect that ? your whole replay was a sign that you are a nice person, and i do think you are a nice person, though you know what it takes to be well for me ?

 You appear to be very literal with your definitions where as I see words as symbols

symbols to what ? i like to be clear as possible, say what i really mean, without any symbols, i dislike symbols, because really if you want to say something, why not just say it?

Take your reaction to the words wonder and joy

how do you define them then? from  your context i understood this “look at life from another perspective, the problem is with your perspective” its basically blaming the victim, imagine telling a homeless to look at life from another perspective, to see the wonder he isn’t seeing “its his fault for not doing so”

that gave you permission to assume you understood my experience and so labeled me a ‘norime

i didn’t say anything about your experience or life, your replay was a norime replay, a none norime person wouldn’t say what you said, and i think you don’t know the exact definition of norime, so let me clear you in, a norime is a person who have the same values, the same beliefs, the same type of thinking (based on your replay) as the normal people, it doesn’t matter what happened in your past life, how werid it was, how hard it was, if you came with the same beliefs and type of thinking, you are a norime, in other words, a none norime person knows that some people doesn’t get to chose their answer to life (No or Yes), doesn’t get to be other then homeless person, a homeless person isn’t just a “perspective”, he has the desire of homeless person, the beliefs or homeless person, the same type of thinking as a homeless person, now imagine you being that, and i came to you, with some philosophy i read and applied on my own life, thinking it must work for everyone, and if someone doesn’t do that then it his fault, and i tell you, to look at your life in wonder, how unkind and unfair that will be, imagine telling a blind man to just look at the bright side, you don’t get to say that, you don’t know his struggles, you don’t understand it, you only talk from your own perspective and pov, something which you didn’t chose, you just had enough details in your life to get to this point

Perhaps if you knew of my time in the military, time of cancer, time of losing love ones you might reconsider the definition of ‘normal’.

no i won’t, this is exactly what i mean by a norime, imagine how much people have the same life and type of thinking of you ? a lot huh?  the same external problems

Presuming my use of the words meant you knew me, and knowing me, free to label me and set me aside

i don’t know you, i only know the type of replay i get, a norime replay, you showed no evidence of none norime behavior, so why bother? with a person that will never understand me,  maybe will after a hard and solid argument, but if you were really a norime you won’t, and there is a high chance you are one, you have to understand that i did this labeling thing after a lot of energy and time wasting, that i avoid this type of people for a reason, and im welling to risk it and label one without much evidence to the other option, one evidence would be you agreeing that some people just don’t get to enjoy life, and its not their fault, that some people are doomed, that some people say NO to life, if you can agree with this, we can have a basic understanding

The very thing you dislike others doing to you

i really don’t care what people label me, i said i dislike labels from myself, not from others, i know what others labels me “loser” “pathetic” etc, i only care if it was true or not, so go ahead, label me as you want, i only ask for the truth, no matter how ugly it really is, im a loser ? fine, i will be miserable for the rest of my life? fine, its my fault ? NO that’s not true

i will answer the rest of your post separately.