tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

It’s a pretty exciting week in Tiny Buddha world. Several months back, I decided to have Tiny Buddha redesigned.

Well, we decided.  There is an amazing man named Joshua Denney who has done a lot of work on the site.

It’s through his passion, expertise, and hard work that we’ll have a completely new design at the end of this week. (And I can’t forget Michael from Pliable Press who’s implementing the site on his theme).

One of the reasons I’m excited to launch the new site this week is that Thursday is the site’s one-year anniversary.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to do a few things:

1. Conduct a series of book giveaways leading up to the anniversary/redesign.

2.  Highlight some of the milestones from the first year’s journey.

3. Share some of the most popular posts from the year past. (more…)

by Lori Deschene

“See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

For a long time, nothing stressed me out as much as positivity.

I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

Around 22, I decided to focus on personal development–a positive thing, I assumed.

I figured if I worked on improving a little every day, I’d feel a lot more positive about myself than I did when I focused on my flaws.

What I didn’t take into consideration was that I might become a perfectionist about accepting my imperfection.

That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

I never considered that wanting to be positive isn’t the same as being positive.

For most of my life, I’ve fought with what is. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate them. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it.

Even when I tried to be positive, I had an agenda. If only I was positive enough, I thought, I could create a better tomorrow–then I’d really be happy.

I tried on different positive hats in my pursuit of happiness.

I’ve told myself that everything really is in my mind—that if someone appears to be mean or inconsiderate, it’s largely a consequence of how I’m interpreting things. But then I started wondering if that’s the case, what’s wrong with my mind? Why do I so frequently assume the worst first and then have to catch it and change it?

I made lists of all the things my life would involve if it was more positive: I’d volunteer; I’d be open-hearted, always eager to greet a stranger with a smile; I wouldn’t fear lacking, and would freely give to anyone who needed it. Then I felt overwhelmed by the list of things I needed to do. Who has the time and energy to be that positive?

I’ve focused on things I appreciate in life by keeping a gratitude journal. Oddly enough, I stressed about that, as well. I felt guilty if I missed a day and continually measured whether or not I was doing enough to express gratitude in my daily life.

Positive thinking didn’t give me any peace because I was still the one doing the thinking—and I hadn’t really changed. I was still fighting, judging everyone and everything, including myself, and wondering when life would finally get easier.

No matter how positive I tried to be, it never worked because I wasn’t working for it.

Working for it, for me, involves just 15 minutes a day.

I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself, but a brief morning meditation has a profound effect on me. When I start the day by sitting in silence for even a short while, my mind transforms.

Without some type of contemplative practice, my busy mind gets overwhelming. Without taking time to clear my head, positive thinking is only moderately effective because there are just too many thoughts for the positive ones to have an impact.

Positive thinking, in itself, isn’t enough for me to experience the world in a present, joyful way. The most positive thinking, I’ve decided is less thinking.

I’d like to say I no longer over-analyze, get lost in my thoughts, or get hard on myself, but that’s not entirely true.

Even with tools that help me feel calm and centered, I still feel this way at times. There are days when I fight with myself and the world. There are days when I judge myself so much you’d be surprised I run this site. It’s usually when I’ve stopped doing the things I know I need to do for me. When work gets overwhelming and people seem demanding, sometimes I don’t make those things a priority.

I am still imperfect, I still make bad decisions on occasion, and I still struggle with letting go.

It’s called being human.

Growth is rarely a straight line. It’s more like an EKG monitor. It’s tempting to look at with a sense of anxiety. To measure the peaks and valleys, wondering if the peaks are high and frequent enough.

But I’m learning that being positive means releasing the need to judge—to stop assessing what’s right and good enough, and whether I’ve been right or good enough, and approach each new moment with a sense of space.

It’s my job to create that space–to clear out all the thoughts that drown out the positive ones.

The biggest barrier between me and peace is my instinct to analyze why I didn’t, don’t, or might not have it. Stillness silences that instinct.

When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how I interpret things because suddenly I stop telling stories about events as they happen to me.

When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how many positive things I could do if I tried; I’m too busy putting good into the world to dwell on those lists.

When I sink into stillness, it doesn’t matter how many things I write in my gratitude journal; I’m too busy appreciating the world in front of me to worry about jotting it down.

Today I feel peaceful. In this moment, I am not trying to be positive. I created space for myself to just be.

*That’s me in the photo practicing yoga in the park, my favorite way to find mental stillness.

by Lori Deschene

I am excited to announce that I will be judging the Amway Positive Project contest. Last month, Amway invited me to their global headquarters to share my thoughts on positivity.

Full disclosure: they provided airfare, accommodations, and a selection of product samples, which I greatly appreciated! However, I would willing have supported this project without the free energy drinks, granola bars and skin cream.

Their Positivity Project Contest asks participants, “How would you use $10,000 to pay the power of positive forward?” If I wasn’t judging the contest, I’d definitely enter, as I have a lot of “positivity projects” that would benefit from a little funding!

From the press release:

Today, positivity is more important than ever as people search for relief from economic turmoil and negative headlines. To recognize and celebrate the impact that positivity makes in people’s lives every day, Amway is launching the Positivity Project Contest. This online program provides an opportunity for individuals to share stories about how the “Power of Positive” has changed their lives or the life of someone they know.

The Positivity Project contest will award 10 winners with prizes to help them further their efforts to share the “Power of Positive.” Winners will be announced at a special ceremony hosted by renowned composer, Intelligence for Your Life founder and Amway partner John Tesh. The grand prize winner will receive a $10,000 Positivity Prize while nine others will each receive a $2,500 Positivity Prize. All entries will be captured and eventually shared online as an ongoing showcase of the “Power of Positive” in action.

You can enter through October 17^th at www.yourpositivityproject.com.

Positivity Shout Out:

Sandy and the 1,000 Paper Cranes

One of the best parts of writing about positivity is that people share their positive stories with me. I recently received an email from Sandy, who has a mission to leave 1,000 paper cranes—all marked with positive words—around the world for people to find.

Cranes are a symbol of peace, and Sandy hopes to spread a little joy through her colorful creations.

So far, she’s made 81 cranes featuring a host of feel-good words, including cheerful, effervescent, and magnificent. As a writer, I am intrigued to see what words she decides to use—1,000 is an awful lot!

Perhaps this gives you a little food for thought when it comes to your own positivity project!

For more inspiration, check out the Tiny Buddha Facebook page where I recently asked readers, “What does it mean to be positive?”

*Note: I am not an Amway Business Owner and I am not in any way endorsing the independent business owner program through my involvement with the Positivity Project. If you are involved with Amway, more power to you! If you’re not, I have no investment in pushing it on you.

by Founder Lori Deschene

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.

I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.

After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.

I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.

We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:

The Benefits of Criticism:

Personal Growth

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and new ideas you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.

Emotional Benefits

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!

7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago—something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

Improved Relationships

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. Oftentimes, when criticized our instinct is to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth, and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

Time Efficiency

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking 10 minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding the well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

Self Confidence

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that—and what can you do about it?

23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s OK to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

by Lori Deschene

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA; or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat.

The only constant in life is that it will involve change–and try as you may to control the future, sometimes all you can do is trust that whatever happens, you can adapt and make the best of it.

Since I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, waiting to form some type of expectations for my future, I’ve been thinking a lot about dealing with uncertainty well. Though I’ve written before about embracing an uncertain future, I have a few more ideas to add to the mix:

1. Replace expectations with plans.

When you form expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You can guide your tomorrow, but you can’t control the exact outcome. If you expect the worst, you’ll probably feel too negative and closed-minded to notice and seize opportunities. If you expect the best, you’ll create a vision that’s hard to live up to.

Instead of expecting the future to give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience. I might be lonely in LA; or I might move into an apartment building full of yogis who enjoy Scrabble. None of that is in my hands right now. What is in my hands is what I plan–what I will actively do when I get there to meet friends, find balance and live the life I want.

2. Prepare for different possibilities.

The most difficult part of uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. Until I know where I am going to live, I can’t plan what neighborhood I’d like to live in, where I’ll practice yoga, or what events I’ll attend to meet people. But I can plan for the possibilities.

I can make a list for what I would do if I were to move to LA versus what I’d do if I stay local. Obviously the latter doesn’t require much change, so all I really need is one plan and the flexibility to embrace it if necessary.

3. Become a feeling observer.

It isn’t the uncertainty that bothers me; it’s my tendency to get lost in my feelings about it.

The second I start indulging fear, I get lost in a cycle of reactionary thoughts. “I might be lonely,” leads to, “How will I meet people?” Before you know it, I’ve somehow traveled all the way to, “What if I become a recluse, start overeating, and develop restless leg syndrome from sitting too much–alone–on my couch?”

OK, so that’s a slight exaggeration. The point is that speculation leads to feelings which can lead to more speculation and then more feelings. It helps me to stop the cycle by recognizing the feeling–in that case fear–and the reminding myself: I can’t possibly predict the future, but I can help create it by fostering positive feelings about the possibilities.

4. Get confident about your coping and adapting skills.

This isn’t the same as “expect the worst.” It’s more about assuring yourself that you can handle any difficulty that might come. In her book, The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, Julie K. Norem discusses the concept of defensive pessimism–when you consider the worst so you can plan how you’d handle it. This has actually shown to help people manage anxiety.

Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” In my case, the worst would be if my boyfriend didn’t make a decision at all and we stayed in our current living situation (overcrowded and cluttered). I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it. I could write at the library. I could take the opportunity to downsize my stuff. I could deal, which makes the uncertainty a little less scary.

5. Utilize stress reduction techniques preemptively.

If you’re dealing with uncertainty, you probably have stress in your body even if it’s not at the forefront of your thoughts in this exact moment. Over time, that body stress affects blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension, cholesterol level, breathing rate and every organ in your body.

Incorporate stress reduction techniques into your day, ideally meditation, even if just 5-10 minutes daily. Finding your center will help you feel better prepared to tackle whatever comes your way.

6. Focus on what you can control.

Oftentimes we overlook the little things we can do to make life easier while obsessing about the big things we can’t do.

For example, my boyfriend and I are cramped in a small space with little storage. My clothes are in bags spaced throughout the room like some kind of luggage booby trap. At times, I’ve gotten really frustrated with the chaos since I feel I don’t know where anything is.

Every time I couldn’t find something, I started complaining about wanting to move now. Suddenly it dawned on me: moving now just isn’t an option, but I can make this living situation more bearable if I stop complaining and focus on a short-term solution. I asked my boyfriend to help me organize the space and keep it that way, and now I feel a lot less scattered.

7. Practice mindfulness.

When you obsess about a tomorrow you can’t control, you’re too busy judging what hasn’t happened yet to fully experience what’s happening right now. Instead of noticing and appreciating the beauty in the moment, you get trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle about the potential for discomfort down the line.

While meditation is the best way to become more mindful, it isn’t the only approach. Sometimes it helps me to take an inventory of what’s good in today. So I can’t yet plan for tomorrow–that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. That means I can spend today doing other things, like writing, reading, relaxing in the sun, and connecting with people I love.

–

If ever you think you’ve created a controllable, predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that’s an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever. The uncertainty can keep you up at night, obsessing over ways to protect yourself from anything that might go wrong. Or it can motivate you to practice acceptance, live in the moment, and embrace the adventure of living.

What’s coming tomorrow might not be easy; or it might fulfill you in ways you didn’t know to imagine. What’s certain is that it will come, and when it gets here, you’ll respond to it, learn from it, and move into another tomorrow full of endless possibilities.

Today I’m focusing on my possibilities, not my fear, and suddenly I feel a lot better.

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com. Photo by Alejandra Mavroski.

by Lori Deschene

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

I have been working on Tiny Buddha for over two years, and yet I’ve rarely written about my experiences running it.

I haven’t told you anything about my own challenges, opportunities, and lessons and it occurred to me today that that might be valuable information.

You probably have a Tiny Buddha in your own life—something you created that you’re absolutely in love with. Or maybe you haven’t found it yet, but you want to build something that drives you like nothing else.

Tiny Buddha has been that for me, and I’d like to share with you a few of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way:

1. The past got you to where you are—so every step was valuable.

At times I’ve looked back and wondered if perhaps I made mistakes in this journey. For instance, I did everything anonymously until earlier this year.

Tiny Buddha was originally just a daily quote on Twitter. I was hesitant to put my name there because it’s never been about me. It’s about ideas that relate to all of our lives, regardless of our age, background, geography or even religious affiliation.

It seemed to make sense to go into this site the same way. I didn’t want my perspective to be the foundation with guest contributors lending occasional support. I wanted the community to be the foundation, with my voice a part of the collective.

In deciding early on to put the focus on the community, I forgot that you can’t build a community unless you’re willing to be part of it.

When I think about the types of interactions I am having with people about Tiny Buddha today, I sometimes wonder how amazing it could have been to have facilitated that sooner. Then I remember: today wouldn’t be happening without yesterday, and I can only enjoy today fully if let go of ideas about the past.

I needed to be where I was in each place before I could get to the next step.

We’re always looking for the fast-track in life—for the bigger better thing as soon as possible. The learning takes place in the small things, in their own time as they need to unravel.

2. Criticism means whatever you make it.

Since there was no context for the posts on the site—no sense of who was running it or why—people didn’t take to it right away.

Another issue was that they had grown accustomed to seeing just one daily quote in their Twitter feed. When links started popping up on the stream, quite a few strongly worded emails came in.

“You’re ruining Tiny Buddha,” one read.

Another reader chimed in “You better stop or I won’t follow anymore—and my girlfriend agrees you’re destroying a good thing.”

I received several of these emails in the first month, and I have to admit I took them to heart.  I wondered what I could have done to build a better site. I wondered if those people were a small sampling of popular opinion. I wondered if they were a sign I should leave Tiny Buddha to the Twitterverse.

Then I realized something: I was creating an awful lot of drama in my head for someone writing about wisdom. So what if I received a few emails from people resistant to change? I had something good to do, and there were other people out there who enjoyed it.

It isn’t the criticism we receive that brings us down; it’s what we decide that criticism means. It rarely means we’re failures or we should change directions. Sometimes it means there’s more to learn. Sometimes it means you need a thicker skin. Most of the time, it’s both.

3. Happiness is when the experience means as much if not more than the outcome.

Research shows that setting goals can lead to happiness. It gives you a sense of empowerment and pride, and hopefully you feel fulfilled in the process of striving. That hasn’t always been the case for me.

Before starting Tiny Buddha, all my goals were about escaping my present to find some magic future where I’d be happy. It wasn’t about the experience of the journey; it was about something down the line that I felt like I needed. My goals were more about fixing my life than enhancing it. It’s a little different now.

What I do here is simple and yet it matters to me deeply.

I love editing and publishing the contributions writers submit. I love how much they enjoy the experience of posting, and how different voices resonate with different readers. I love reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned and recycling them into posts. Every part of running the site and social networking pages gives me a deep sense of purpose and gratitude.

I still have dreams, but I don’t feel like my life is lacking. Even though I’m not making a lot of money right now, I don’t feel that my happiness depends on getting somewhere else.

When you’re less attached to future outcomes you’re not only less devastated by deviations from your plan; you’re also more open to possibilities. Best of all, you’re more open to joy in the present.

4. Passion is the best motivation.

Before I started Tiny Buddha, I didn’t follow through with much in life.

I have always been a resourceful person—part of the gypsy, run-from-reality existence that defined my younger years. I can pretty easily find places to live, ways to get by, and jobs to keep me afloat.

In the past three years alone I have lived in seven apartments and have held a total of eight jobs. Like I wrote before in 25 Little Changes to Make the Day More Exciting, I sometimes have a hard time sticking with things after the original novelty wears off.

Yet I have written something for this website every week day for the past year. Without fail, I have opened my laptop every evening to write about the next day’s daily quote. I’ve spent countless hours writing blog posts and collecting and editing submissions from other writers.

With everything else I’ve done, I’ve always wondered when I might move on, but with Tiny Buddha, it’s become like breathing. I think there’s something to be said for doing something that feels like home. When you love what you’re doing, it’s easy to sustain momentum.

People always tell you to follow your bliss, but that can be a confusing proposition. There’s a lot to love in life, and we have an overwhelming number of choices to make personally and professionally. The best you can do is jump in with both feet and watch how it feels in your mind and body. You might not always know when it’s wrong, but it’s pretty hard to ignore when it’s right.

–

I know that happiness is an inside job, not dependent on external things. I also know we all have boundless positive energy looking for a way to be channeled. Everyone needs something that gives them an outlet for creativity, curiosity, purpose and fun.

But sometimes we put a world of pressure on those outlets. We analyze every step we take; obsess about other people’s opinions; and get caught up pushing from one stage to the next, wondering where it’s all leading—or if it’s leading anywhere at all.

All we’re guaranteed is the experience of today, living in that place we’ve created. I say lets live there out loud. Love it, talk about it, share it with so much enthusiasm it’s infectious to everyone around us.

Infect me—what’s your passion project? And what have you learned through the journey?

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Lori Deschene

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

When I was a teenager—right around the time I knew everything—my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; the focused on my parents’ fights and all the ways they “ruined my life.”

The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion cum unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: we focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong, or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement.

It’s an epidemic in an individualistic culture where self-reliance, autonomy and the pursuit of personal gain can leave us feeling isolated and pressured to succeed. This may not be true for everyone, but I know when I get caught up complaining, nine out of ten times what I need to do is stop obsessing about the circumstances of my life.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve learned we don’t need to live life in a constant state of reaction to things that seem difficult or unfair. We don’t have to be the victims of bad coming at us. Our lives don’t have to be the sum of our problems—not if we take responsibility for putting good into the world.

That starts by fostering a greater appreciation for our interdependence. We are not alone. The world is not against us, and we don’t have to be against each other. We don’t have to let our fears, insecurities and wants boil over inside us until we’re all a bunch of incompatible toxic chemicals waiting to explode the second we collide.

You can always find a negative story to tell—some situation when another person was insensitive, selfish, uncaring, unfair, or just plain wrong. You can also find an underlying struggle that doesn’t justify but might explain their behavior.

If you absolutely can’t channel that compassion and patience, you can always find at least one good thing someone did in your day.

When that stranger held the elevator open, when your coworker let you take the lead in your meeting, when your mother called just to say she loves you; they’re all reminders people are looking out for you—maybe not all of them, and maybe not all the time, but probably more than you notice.

An even better way to honor our interconnection: be someone else’s positive story. Be the kindness that reminds someone else the world is not against them. Give them an anchor of positivity to find later if their circumstances seem overwhelming.

If you’ve ever ended a stressful day with a long hug—the type that’s so needed and loving it’s near impossible not to relax and receive—you know the power of a simple gesture.

Need some ideas for simple kindnesses? I recommend checking out the Tiny Buddha Facebook page, where I recently asked friends, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?”

Some of my favorite suggestions (out of 158) include:

1. Try to accept people with an open mind and refrain from making judgments, which are often wrong anyway. (Brandon Hartford)
2. Let them know how much you appreciate them. (Florence Leedy)
3. Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return. (Courtney Olsen)
4. Do little things like hold doors open or let folk go in or out first. Little things can make a big difference for someone who’s not having a great day. (Elke Wallace)
5. Accept them for who they are and who they strive to be. (Dylan Clauson)
6. Let them know they’ve made you smile. (Monika Sylvestre)
7. Be with them when they need you. For the rest of the time, let them be free. (Rohin Khanna)
8. Tell them the truth. (Krista Hale)
9. Tell them why they make a difference in your life that no one else could possibly make—why their particular brand of “special” makes the world a better place for everyone they meet in it. (Jennifer Hudson Green)
10. Help them help themselves and be independent. (Frantz Art Glass)
11. Believe in them and give them hope. (Melessia Todd)
12. Give a simple well meaning smile. (Jennie McCluskey)
13. The kindest thing you can do for someone else is to take good care of your own mind, body and soul. This enables kindness in all things. (Shyloh Robinson)
14. Spend time listening with the intent of learning. I joined an art guild that is mostly made up of elderly artists who have the most amazing life stories and the best tips and trick for creating artwork. I feel like I get so much more in return for doing nothing more than enjoying their company! (Suzi Ra)
15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you! (Tracy Bruce Laughlin)
16. Be there for them when they fall and not say I told you so. (Ana Stuckart)
17. Give them the space to be. (Natassia Callista Alicia)
18. Lend your shoulder to cry on. (Bryan Tankersley)
19. Thank them for being themselves. (Jen Ghrist)
20. Take a moment to send someone a note thanking them for something they have done for you in the past. For example, a good teacher or a good manager, or someone who was a mentor or role model. (Dave Hughes)
21. Treat each person with respect for his or her individuality. (Shirley Wright)
22. Offer encouragement after a failure. Acceptance of even the weirdest things they possess. A tap for a job well done. A “thank you” to every simple yet life-changing encounter. (Ako Ang Uso)
23. Forgive. (Ivan Kl)
24. Pay attention to them. From the clerk at the store to your kids at home, most people just want to be heard and acknowledged. Understanding comes later, but everyone can pay attention now. (Angela Birt)
25. Listen to someone without trying to fix their problem. (Jane Lynahan Karklin)

Before you head on your merry way to distribute kindness into the world, check out the Tiny Buddha Book page if you haven’t already. In my first book, through publisher Red Wheel/Weiser, I’ve set out to answer life’s hardest questions, incorporating insights from Tiny Buddha readers.

The book will be in stores across the country next fall—and I’d love to include your wisdom and a link to your site so readers can learn more from you.

by Lori Deschene

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Last night I did something I rarely do. Drum roll please…

…last night I cooked.

OK, to be fair, I more prepped than cooked. But my willingness to participate in this domestic ritual with my boyfriend at the helm was certainly not the norm. Neurotic as I may be with organizing and cleaning, cooking has never been my thing.

For starters, I’m cheap with food. I’d rather spend money on books and pedicures than saffron and truffles. I realize I could channel my inner Rachael Ray and learn to make budget-friendly meals, but an even easier approach is to make full use of my Subway rewards card.

It’s not just my aversion to spending on consumables that attracts me to cheap take-out and cereal. It’s also a matter of priorities. I look at the day as blocks of time—much like Hugh Grant in About a Boy. Left to my own devices, I fill those blocks with tried-and-tested activities, like writing, reading, watching movies, and practicing yoga. Suffice it to say cooking isn’t on my list.

I know I enjoy my world better when I make little changes to my routine—when I take alternative routes to familiar places or make spontaneous plans with old friends, for example. But sometimes I need reminders to do things differently.

Tonight’s reminder brought me to the cutting board, and I must admit I enjoyed it far more than I would have imagined.

As I cut onions and tomatoes into perfect little cubes for pico de gallo, humming and falling into a staccato rhythm, I remembered something my dad said the day prior. He asked me to leave the dishes for him because he’d come to enjoy washing them since losing his job.

He didn’t have the words to explain his new-found fondness for Palmolive, but he didn’t really have to expand. I knew exactly what he meant: simple household rituals can be calming and even gratifying when you throw yourself into them completely.

After an hour of cutting—my boyfriend planned an ambitious Mexican meal for my family, who we’re visiting—I felt almost as relaxed as I do after yoga. OK, so the mid-prep margarita may have contributed to my mellow state, but I’m convinced the chopping had a lot to do with it.

I’ve decided to get more deliberate with my household tasks; to actually schedule them, instead of squeezing them between things I want or need to do. Mindfully completing a simple household task can be like skipping a pebble on a pond, sending ripples of Zen into the day.

If you’re also interested in forming a mindfulness practice in your home, I recommend the following:

1. Let your bed set the tone for the day.

Making the bed is sort of a no-brainer for me. Leaving it unmade feels as unnatural as leaving my house without pants. However, I know it can be tempting to leave the sheets and blankets crumpled to jump into the day a few moments sooner.

Deliberately making your bed in the morning sets the pace for the day. It says you’ll take your time transitioning from one activity to the next without scrambling or rushing just to get things done. Because really, when you’re moving that fast, how much of your day do you fully experience and enjoy?

2. Wash the dishes slowly.

As my father knows, doing the dishes can be both satisfying and grounding. Feel the warm water on your hands; let yourself enjoy the experience of making something dirty clean again. Don’t think about finishing or what you’ll do when you’re finished. Focus solely on the doing.

Thich Nhat Hanh explained it well in his book The Miracle of Mindfulness:

“To my mind, the idea that doing dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you aren’t doing them…I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands.  I know that if I hurry in order to eat dessert sooner, the time of washing dishes will be unpleasant and not worth living.  That would be a pity, for each minute, each second of life is a miracle.”

3. Use cleaning as an exercise in acceptance.

How often in life do we fight ourselves on things we don’t want to do? We procrastinate, we complain, we outsource—a viable option if you can swing it. For the most part, though, we’d benefit from accepting that we have to do things we don’t like on occasion, and then doing them instead of using energy to avoid them.

Cleaning the toilet is right up there with root canals on my fun list, but it won’t clean itself. In accepting this and then doing it—when it needs to be done and no later—I prepare myself to carry this same acceptance outside my house. To stop judging things as good and bad to soften the nagging inner monologue that keeps me divorced from the present.

4. Let your senses take over in the shower.

You’ve probably experienced a meditative shower at least a few times in your life. It’s easy to let go of all other thoughts when you’re standing under a stream of water, set to the perfect temperature for you.

Take this time to tune into your senses. Choose a soap you love so that the scent is intoxicating. Enjoy the sensation of the water on your skin, and feel it drip down your back, your calves, and your heels. My favorite part is when the water first hits my head. It reminds me of getting my hair washed at the salon—a perfect massage as the stylist kneads my head beneath the firm water pressure.

A meditative morning ritual takes you into the day with a clear, focused mind.

5. Turn a boring activity into the noticing game.

“The noticing game” is not a technical term; I’m sure a monk has described this same idea much more eloquently, but humor me if you will.

Here is an example of the noticing game in action: On my flight from California to Massachusetts last month, I encountered the perfect storm of difficult plane circumstances. I felt wired and couldn’t sleep; my TV was broken; and I couldn’t turn on my light to read lest I wake up the baby right next to me.

There was nothing to do to pass the time. I was tempted to break my first rule of flying home and pull out the credit card for an overpriced in-flight drink. Instead, I decided to notice everything in my environment.

I people-watched, identified interesting items of clothing, paid attention to things I heard, and noticed the different smells around me (luckily, not coming from the baby). This allowed me to sink into the present moment instead of searching for ways to avoid it.

You can do the same thing when vacuuming, dusting, or ironing. Notice things about your furniture you may not have seen before—textures, colors, or shapes. Notice patterns on your clothes.

When you focus on being in your environment, it’s easier to appreciate the moment for what it is instead of wishing you were somewhere else.

I don’t know about you, but that’s one skill I’ve yet to master. I work on it, one shower, one dish, one tomato at a time. And in doing, I am happy.

Share Your Wisdom!

Next fall, Tiny Buddha will be in book stores across the country—and you can be a part of it!

The Project:

Tiny Buddha founder Lori Deschene has set out to create a book that answers some of the hardest questions in life–using Twitter to collect a sampling of opinions from all over the world. Anyone of any age from any location can participate.

The Details:

Your tweet must contain 140 characters or fewer (which isn’t always easy!). It must be completely your own words and must be more than a yes or no answer.

If chosen for inclusion in the book, it will be attributed to your Twitter @username. You may also supply your personal or professional URL for inclusion in a resource index.

The Questions

1. What is the meaning of life?
2. What does it take to be happy?
3. Why is there suffering in the world?
4. Does everything happen for a reason?
5. Why are relationships so hard?
6. Can people change–and how?
7. How can you make each day count?
8. Do you need money to be happy–and why?
9. How do you get peace of mind?
10. What can we control in life?

You may answer as many questions as you like by doing two things for each answer:

1. Tweet your answer including the question number and hashtag #lifeshardestQs

Click here to answer via Twitter (or use our live tweet box below)!

2. After you tweet your first answer, fill in the form below. You must do this step to ensure we have all your information for communication and publishing purposes.

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What is the meaning of life? What does it take to be happy? Why is there suffering in the world? Does everything happen for a reason? Why are relationships so hard? Can people change–and how? How can you make each day count? Do you need money to be happy-and why? How do you get peace of mind? What can we control in life?

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by Lori Deschene

“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” ~Bob Basso

A couple weeks back, my boyfriend and I went to our local county fair. I love—love—fairs.

Forget for a minute that adult-me now gets vertigo just looking at a roller coaster; and that my 30-year old digestive track nearly explodes when I catch a whiff of carnie food. When you factor in my increasing interest in crafts and farm animals, it somewhat evens out.

If you’re the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, thrill-seeker type, that might sound as exciting as watching paint dry. But I really do love petting furry little creatures and thinking about things I can make.

Standing in the petting zoo, surrounded by llamas, sheep, goats, and even a wallaby, I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I hopped around to spend equal time with everyone; didn’t want the donkey to feel slighted. I played, I frolicked, I may even have skipped a little.

Truthfully, I would have been equally psyched just to sit back and be a farm voyeur. Just watching the animals scamper and seeing kids’ faces light up as they fed them, I felt happy and peaceful. I didn’t even mind when the goat bit my pant leg. He could have gnawed a hole into my favorite Seven jeans and I still would have found it charming.

Sunny little giggles, that rustic barn smell, the feeling of disconnection from chaotic urban life—everything about that moment appealed to me. I was having fun.

As my boyfriend dragged me out of the petting zoo to see an Eddie Money concert—his brand of fun—I wondered when I’d last felt so happy and free. I did plenty of things I enjoyed in the weeks prior. But none of it was exactly the same. Something was missing. Or perhaps more accurately, something was there most of the time.

That thing was the voice in my head. It sounded a little something like this:

“You quit your job. Are you getting too old for these kinds of risks? Is it really smart to not have insurance? What if you get in an accident and you still don’t have insurance? Did you renew the car insurance?  Should you sell the car? You don’t really drive it any way…”

And so on and so on. With so many changes in my life and so much on my plate these days, that little voice had been getting louder, and oftentimes it felt productive to indulge it. It wasn’t. That type of incessant thinking takes away far more than it gives.

It’s hard to be fully present and have fun when a part of you is getting lost in a mental maze.

Doing something you enjoy while judging, analyzing, worrying, fearing, or regretting in your head is like experiencing the world from inside a plastic bubble. You can see and hear everything, but it’s all diluted.

I don’t believe it’s possible to completely silence the nagging inner voice that constantly interprets and judges. That little mental hamster wheel will spin on occasion all throughout our lives.

But I do think it’s possible to slow it down and even stop it for lengths of time. It’s possible to bottle that farm experience (or whatever does it for you) to make presence, peace, and fun the norm and not the rarity.

It’s actually quite simple. Silencing the inner voice and experiencing more joy comes down to these three things:

1. Practice mental quiet.

2. Incorporate things you enjoy into your day—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

3. Find things to enjoy in the things you don’t—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

Let’s break it down:

1. Practice mental quiet.

The mind is like a muscle. If you want it to perform for you in a certain way, you have to train it in advance.

Proponents of meditation recommend meditating 30 minutes in both the morning and evening to produce a clearer mind. I’ll be honest with you: I’ve never done that, and I suspect I never will. But I do enjoy yoga.

A class is usually 60–90 minutes, which allows for at least an hour of moving meditation. Depending on what type of yoga you practice, you can even take a silent class.

If neither of those appeals to you, you could try one of these ideas:

• Once a day, find a quiet place to do something that doesn’t require much thought: knitting, crocheting, or building model ships, for example. Focus solely on the activity, and the sensations of doing it. Commit to breathing deeply and remaining silent throughout the whole experience and your brain will eventually slow down.

• Once daily, sit in nature and simply observe. If your mind starts wandering, notice where it’s headed and then come back to your focus. At first you may feel tempted to get up or at least be mentally productive. With consistent practice, that will fade.

Just be sure to remove all distractions, especially distractions of the tech variety.

2. Incorporate things you enjoy in your day—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

This may seem somewhat obvious, but if my experience is any indication, it bears saying. Sure, I do things I love, but there are a lot of things I love that I don’t do often, like spending time around animals.

I wondered about that while a lamb nuzzled up against my shin. Why didn’t I have some type of hobby that allowed me to be around animals? And what about the other things that I love so much that I easily get in the zone? Why when things get busy do I sacrifice yoga?

Sometimes we get so caught up in the things we think we should do or need to do that we forget to make joy a priority. Then when we do find pockets of time to do the things we love, oftentimes we’re somewhere else mentally, thinking about everything else.

The best way to challenge this is to create a list of things you love so much they have the potential to melt everything else away. Commit to doing some of these a little every day. Then when you’re doing them, observe your thoughts.

If you start judging, fearing, stressing, or analyzing, notice it and bring yourself back to the present moment. When my mind starts wandering, I tell myself a little something like this:

Stop. Put those thoughts aside. You can think them later if you want to. The most effective thing you can do right now is let yourself enjoy the moment. This moment—this joy—is what you work for. If you can’t enjoy it, the work is pointless.

3. Find things to enjoy in the things you don’t—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

There are plenty of things you’ll have to do in life that won’t seem fun in any way. I once had a doctor that was chronically a half-hour behind. I hated the time in his waiting room because I felt he was wasting my time. For years I’d show up and sit there seething, thinking all kinds of negative thoughts as if I was spiting him with my unspoken hostility.

It took me a long time to realize that open-ended downtime could be a gift. I could bring music, magazines, whatever, and use the time to recharge before the rest of the day. Since I was on someone else’s time, I could also use it to practice acceptance and mindfulness.

When I thought of it that way, the time seemed both more useful and more fun. I’d like to say that I was always a ray of sunshine in that waiting room, leading scores of once frustrated patients in rounds of Kumbaya. But that’s a lie. Sometimes I drifted back to annoyance, which quickly snowballed into other annoyances.

It’s all too easy for one little grievance to turn into a laundry list of judgments and problems, hence the second part of the equation: practice mental quiet.

When you’re in that situation that’s not quite so fun, it might take work to come back to your peace of mind. It’s worth it to make the effort. It may seem like we have an endless supply of moments in life but the truth is they are finite.

Every one counts if we make it count. Why not make it count?

–

When we were kids, fun was a priority. We always did the things we loved simply because we loved doing them. We didn’t stress about homework at the park because play time was for playing. A boring waiting room wasn’t an obstacle—it was where we played doctor (the G-rated kind).

There’s a whole lot of thinking that can get in the way of mindfulness and presence. The simple point of this somewhat long post: we can choose to quiet those thoughts, and get better at it with practice.