“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown
Relationships end, everyone knows that. The tough part is actually dealing with suffering, accepting, letting go, moving on, and processing a whole lot of other feelings at the same time.
Six months ago my ex-boyfriend decided to end our relationship because he couldn’t forgive me for a mistake I’d made.
During the first weeks of our breakup I decided that it would be best if I just gave him some time to think things out. I accepted the consequences of my error and decided not to pressure him.
I knew it was my fault we were in this mess, and he was suffering from my wrongdoing (which didn’t involve infidelity).
After a month we saw each other again, and he told me that he could not forgive me for what I did—that my mistake meant that I didn’t love him and had never loved him throughout our three years together.
I asked for forgiveness. I asked for a second chance. He told me he couldn’t trust me anymore and couldn’t risk getting hurt again. I accepted his decision and started moving on with my life.
Two months passed, and one night he called me. He told me that he missed me terribly and wanted to see me. The next day we went to Starbucks.
He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me, that he compared every woman with me, and that he wanted to give us a second chance. But then he told me he was too scared to fully commit to me and that he wasn’t sure what he wanted.
I was surprised. I thought he came to me because he knew that he wanted to be with me, but he didn’t. He was confused. I told him he should figure out what he wanted before hurting someone.
Three weeks went by, and one day a friend of mine told me he had a girlfriend.
He had made the decision to move on. Now I had to do the same.
I was devastated. I loved him so much. I was still waiting for him because I had hope. I was still waiting for that second chance. I was left with a big hole in my heart and a turbulent, uncontrollable mind.
If you’ve also had to accept that someone you once loved doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you probably understand the rush of feelings and thoughts that come to you every day, every hour, every minute.
It feels like even though you try to move on, to stop remembering, to stop speculating and thinking about this person, you make no progress.
Even though I never felt guilty about the end of the relationship (I am certain I did everything I could to save it and I was not going to torture myself), I did feel sad that he was with someone else, and I was still thinking about him and how great we once were.
Talking about it to my friends only helped momentarily. Hours later I always found myself thinking all those things I shouldn’t be thinking again.
My mind was a hurricane of all the wrong thoughts.
Suddenly I found myself not worrying about the fact that the relationship had ended. Instead, I was worrying about the way I was living each day, the way I was thinking with a “victim” mentality.
I was torturing myself with my own thoughts! And the only person who could help me was me. The answer was inside—and only inside—me.
I read books, articles, essays. I was trying to find the key wisdom that could allow me to finally feel peace of mind.
Through this process, I discovered the power of positive thinking and acceptance.
Everybody is different and therefore handles situations in different ways. For instance, I am a very sensitive and vulnerable person. When someone hurts me, I cry a lot, I forgive immediately, I don’t hate, and I don’t seek revenge.
However, the feelings of disappointment and sadness stick with me for a long time, and I strive a lot to finally let go of those feelings.
Dealing with a breakup requires immense strength from us. We need to be strong to control our thoughts, to stop the crying, to find happiness in the present moment, and to let go of that person we love so much.
So, how do we get this strength? How do we start moving on? How do we begin to let go?
I’ve come to learn that there is no one single effective method to deal with a break up.
Some people might tell you it’s better to get involved with someone else as soon as possible; others might tell you to be alone a couple of months; and some others might argue that love is not worth it, and that you will always get hurt.
I want to share what I have learned from my experience. I’d like to tell you it’s easy, but it’s not. It requires a lot of strength, patience, determination, hope, and self-esteem.
If you are currently dealing with a traumatic break up or you still have the memory of the loved one so close to your heart you think you might never forget them, these tips may help:
1. Stop any contact with that person.
Stop calling, and stop sending texts or emails. Respect his/her decision. It won’t be easy, but every time you want to text or call them, remind yourself, “This will only hurt me and make it harder to let go and move forward with my life.”
2. Stop looking for reasons why it ended and have what you could have done better.
It’s tempting to rehash what happened and blame yourself for your shortcomings, but you can’t change the past, so why torture yourself reliving it? The only thing that matters is the fact that the relationship came to its end and it’s time to move on.
3. Stop thinking about what that other person thinks, does, wishes, plans, and feels.
The only person that matters now is you. It matters what you think, do, wish, plan and feel.
4. Practice acceptance.
Commit each morning to fully accepting what is happening in the now. Believe there is a reason why this is all happening and trust that it’s for the best. That this breakup will somehow support your growth or lead to something good, even if you can’t see it now.
5. Do not hate or wish anything negative to that person.
You won’t hurt them by thinking negative thoughts about them. You’ll only hurt yourself by staying stuck in this kind of anger and bitterness.
6. Allow yourself to feel and to grieve.
This was the most important one for me. Don’t feel guilty for being sad or wishing things were different. Allow yourself to feel the pain of losing the person you love.
Don’t hide your emotions, and don’t be embarrassed because you’re hurting. It only makes it worse to respond to a difficult feeling (i.e. sadness) with another difficult feeling (i.e. guilt). Just let yourself feel whatever you feel, with no time limit imposed.
7. Enjoy the sensation of knowing you did everything you could.
Maybe you fought for that person or asked for forgiveness. Be confident that in the future you will never regret making the wrong decision and will never think about “what could have happened,” because you know you made an effort.
8. Practice gratitude.
Make a list of everything good going on in your life that you’re grateful for. Include attributes that make you a special and desirable person. Keep adding elements to this list, including all the things we take for granted, such as our health, our education, our families, our friends, and our skills. Refer to this list whenever you think you lost the best thing in your life. You didn’t. There’s a lot still left to appreciate, and a lot more coming down the road.
9. Embrace positive thinking.
Start each day thinking about something that inspires or uplifts you. Think about people you admire, dreams yet to be fulfilled, things you’re looking forward to in your day. Fill your mind with positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones.
10. Read.
Read self-help books or articles related with this topic. (Don’t be embarrassed—no one needs to know!) Stop watching romantic movies and listening to love songs. Instead, read, read, read! Books can transform your life.
—
Even though four months have passed since my breakup, I still practice what I have shared with you. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not an automatic change. But the key is to start.
Only you can change how you are feeling. No one else can.
Remind yourself every day that life is good and that eventually the pain will pass. Life is happening right now, and there’s no reason to waste more days feeling sad about the past.
Change your perspective about life, loss, and pain; learn to view everything that happens to you as a positive thing.
You can’t control someone else’s decision, so focus on what you can control: your thoughts, your attitude, and your reaction.
We’ve all dealt with breakups before. You are not alone on this. Don’t give up hope; give it time!
And remember:
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Confucius.
About Guest Contributor
Want to feature your writing on the site? Read the Submission Guidelines and then send your post to Lori at email @ tinybuddha.com. Don't forget to subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive updates and exclusive content! Note there are two ways to get emails: every weekday or weekly on Fridays.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Hello. I found Tiny Buddha 4 mo ago. I had been trying to find anything that would help me deal with my life & the fact that my 12 yr relationship was falling apart./ending. I struggle everyday to learn & keep embracing all the life lessons shared on this site. I can relate to every article I have read lol. Tonight we got into a bad fight & I logged on to tiny Buddha to look for solace & this article had just been posted! Unbelievable timing lol.
This article was a fantastic read for me. For the past few weeks, I have turned to this site for help processing a similar situation. I couldn’t believe how well Ana articulates the experience, and the list of tips is tremendous and a great reminder of what I need to continue to do.
Hi JP, I actually also started reading Tiny Buddha because I was trying to deal with my break up in the best way possible. I am very glad my post was helpful. I was wishing that some of the things I’ve learned helped others. I want to advise you that if you read something helpful, memorize it, write it down, read it or repeat it constantly, every day, every second. Everything will get better soon. Never give up hope, give it time =)
Hi .. I’ve a different case here . Don’t know how to cope up with this. Looking forward for your guidance.
I have this friend, who used to care me a lot back thn (5 months back). whenevr our buddy group hangs out, she always used to sit with me and reserve a place beside her whenevr I am late. And In Office, whenever free, she used to come to my desk for a gleeful chatter, playing lots of pranks and stuff. we had had wonderful breakfasts filled with her immense energy and bubbliness. She used to drop me at my home on her bike, sharing all her personal stories or things that pops up in her mind.. whenevr any movie is being screened on TV, which she likes the most, she would call me up to watch it and tell how I feel and stuff. when In a group, she used to involve me somehow, giving way to open up and talk freely before others.
For a shy and Introvert guy like me, it looked heavenly and even I became active and bubbly amoungst our group.But slowly things changed. She stopped being as intimate as she used to be. She stopped pinging me in our office CHAT BOX. And I kind of started missing her. So for four days, i completely ignored her, thinking that it would make her realise and come back to her old ways of being intimate with me again. But THAT was really a BLUNDER tht I had made. Adding toast to it, when she enquired why I was acting so strange, I told her on face tht I acted to her JUST like I do with a COLEAGUE and I don’t feel her as my friend anymore. This came out of sheer Anger during our heated conversation.
In the evening of that same day, I realised my mistake.. yes it’s my mistake. People get busy and YOU JUST CAN’T EXPECT YOUR BEST FRIEND to be in your pockets all the time. You gotto give them time..but I din’t .. i made mistake after mistake making things more worse. I told her sorry and it was not intended. She said its okay and she never remember things like that and all. i felt happy and at peace.
But slowly things changed … COMPLETE IGNORANCE from her fell on me. No more Msgs, No chat on Office Chat box, No eye-contact while talking in a group and whn I try to strike conversation with her,she would just reply to my questions and asks no questions, No more involving me in a group, No more calls during occasions. Even when I call her up, she would just answer to what I ask. This kinda passive response from her is making go nuts. All the things tht she do, is making me remember the blissful past and the way things used to be, between us. YET I ain’t getting that HATRED feeling on her. But these experiences hit me badly. I lost my CONFIDENCE. Now I kinda feeling inferiour to her .. and yet I try stopping any contact with her, its only lasting a while. Unknowlingly, I again Ping or text her now and then. Though she never responds or texts back, I keep on texting her every now and then. I try hard not to, but i fail. Last month, I kinda totally obsessed, I feared I would drip into depression or a mental disorder. But Luckily, as Im staying with my another friend, who counselled me to be positive all the time and I kinda got saved. yet now and then, i stroll back past into my PAST memories which hurt me a lot. Even I try, i can’t stay away from her, because, she is the part of my BUDDY group with whom I hang out all the time. And Everyone loves her including me. I sometimes feel, Is it me, who is making things worse by OVERTHINKING much, that she isn’t close with me like before and all.. BUT again I feel, May be She stopped liking me because of my OVEREMOTIONAL charecter. BUT over all, this brought more negativity into my life.
I still want to get things normal between us and I want her to be like before, caring me and respecting the way I am. But again, I feel I should npt expect those kinda things, as she would never like me again and would never accept me for who I am. I’m in a MESS right now. Please help me out. I need tons of advice regarding this. I want to be that BUBBLY, ENERGETIC Tej who is intimate with his LOST friend again.. Commanding respect for what he is and for things he does !!!! HELP ME OUT PLEASE !!!!!
Hi Tej, Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you are asking for guidance. Everybody needs advice! The first thing that I want to tell you is that we can’t control how other people think, feel, behave or react. You have to accept that. Even though we wish they treat us differently, there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s their decision how they act. What we CAN do, on the other hand, is control how we respond to those behaviours. You can decide how you respond to her indifference or to her lack of communication with you. Try not to take it to personally, because if you do, you will suffer. We don’t know what’s going on on her mind, so I think it’s best not to make assupmtions. Let her be how she wants to be. And you move on with your life as if nothing had happened. I know it’s hard. But it’s the only choice. When time passes you will feel better and better, trust me. But you have to start today! Please don’t let this situacion lower your self-esteem. No one has the right to make you feel this way. You have to love yourself and trust who you are. Someone will soon come to your life and appreciate all that you are. Maybe it wasn’t her. Also, please stop questioning whether her change in attitude towards you is your fault, because we will never truly know. So why bother thinking so much about something we will never know?
Bellamy
I was a man without happiness until i met the The DR.CHECK Temple. I took responsibility of Leticia academic and general well being when she was in the high school and we both where happily living together until i sent her to Germany to further her Education and for her to become a medical doctor. We where on mobile communication during her first 2 months in Germany but during the 3rd month, the communication was getting poor as she was no longer picking calls and not responding to my emails. I was surprise when Leticia sent me an email August last year that she is getting married to a German man. My World was full of sorrow and loneliness because someone has stole my better half away from me. I shared my problem with a female colleague in my working place and she directed me to templeoflove1@gmail.com. I contacted him for urgent help cos i cant think straight without Leticia. I was when Leticia called me four days after i contacted DR. CHECK at about 6:23am and told me she is sorry for all that she has done in the past. We got married January 7th and we are happily living together now. All thanks be to DR.CHECK Temple and if you need to be in happy, i will strongly suggest you contact DR. CHECK Temple through DR.MORE Temple
Hi,
My Story would probably read like a movie script. Many years ago I was in a marriage where we had grown apart and I met someone overseas who followed me back. Against not wanting to feel anything and hurt my ex husband I was a friend to this man but the inevitable happened I fell in love with him. He pursued me so lovingly was always there for me, promised me a better future with him that he would never leave me. He knew my two greatest fears.. one not to be alone and second that I wanted a baby so desperately and my ex husband was not doing anything about it:(( So in time the marriage ended and we became a couple. I was sad about hurting my ex husband but never told him nor did I end it, I let him I could not hurt him more like that… Anyway my partner and I had wonderful times, we thought the same, loved all the same things etc He was kind and loving and perfect. I still had insecurities about myself that I did not understand why he loved me so much. But he did and I relied on him for everything and he loved taking charge. His soft sweet side when ever he did something that might hurt me would beg me not to leave him. I said I never would. Years later he started sometimes needing to escape, he never understood it neither did I, it would come without warning and it seemed always at December. He used to call it his male menopause. Sometimes he would go to see his family or it would just blow over. He had troubles with work so he left his job (said he was being bullied) then he worked with me and it was great. We had big dreams together and worked for a future. He did not get on with my sister and that caused problems. But he got on well with my Mum and she loved him and when she sold her house he insisted she live with us as he would always help me look after her and I loved him even more for it. So out of the blue in August last year he says he needs to go away for few days. He said part of him was fighting to stay with me and another part needed to run but he assured me that he loved me to death and that it was all ok.. So I waited. He came back and it all seemed ok, we planned to get engaged in December and to do something serious about having our baby.. Then come December he went off again and this time took money from our account and would not tell me why. Later he did it was to help someone. Then one day in that month he says to me that he wants to just keep working together but not be a couple anymore. He did not talk about it other than to then start bringing up my family not thinking he was important enough and not thanking him for all he did and that he suffered when I was married and waited for me.I won’t bore everyone with the details. However at some stage he says to me I need to find a girlfriend to try and appreciate you….l:( I would go for anyone a dog even just to see if this is right…. you can imagine how I felt. So he goes and finds a tutor in a foreign language and hooks up with her still while coming home and sleeping in our bed. Then he goes for a trip back home and tells me there that he is moving out, presumably setting up with this woman he knew for a month. We had been together 13 years!! So I have cried and died everyday since December last year and even more when he just did not come home. He wanted to still work together and all his things are here like he never left….
Everyday I would see him for work except the weekends. He would help on our family property as well. No one knows we are no longer a couple it would destroy my Mum but he is still holding my hand, calling me my love kissing me on the lips etc. So fast forward to now, he decided to go back into his field of work as he had spent a lot of money and accrued debts and my job could not pay us both. A few months ago he increased our mortgage to cover money he had used and we got life insurance together and I thought maybe that woman had gone. He got closer to me also even though he still did not tell me where he lived. Now it seems she is still there and not only that but he told me he lied to her and told her that he owned part of my family’s property and he never told her about that person who he helped that he still talks to her. I don’t know if he even told her when he went to the movies or anything with me…. She knows about me and apparently said to him does she even know I exist. So now we reach that he wants to do work with me in the future etc but wants his name off our home loan as I believe she said to him to get it off. He feels he has to justify the lie he told her about the property by saying that in the future he wants a part of it…. I love him and miss him and yes he still sends me texts daily last night was goodnight my love i miss you to death and I love you to death. He told me however two days ago never doubt that I love you to death but I had to move on, he said I had to have something to live for????/ He never even discussed the problems if there were any. He was depressive a lot and even spoke death which scared me. All in all I don’t understand what happened or is happening, he used to get angry and smash things in the house. Now he just gets sometimes depressed and other times very loving and close. A month ago we went to the coast because he had to work there and slept in our bed like old times. The only nights I have slept in months….
This woman… he told her that my family is wealthy and also that he was getting an apartment from the development in the future she apparently said why only that if you co own it? So he thinks he can now get a percent to cover the lie. He said he worked for years for my family and has no property to show for it. Yes he is a hard worker but it was his decision to leave his job and work with me. Also he has never wanted for anything and he paid off his car by putting it on our home loan which is for the house my Dad built me. He always said he would never touch my house after seeing how I fought to keep it from my ex husband. Lately however he is saying I should have put his name on it and that I used him to refinance…. that is so untrue:((( He recently bought euipment for work using that extra money we refinanced as well as using a lot of money to help that person in the past.
So now he wants his name off the mortgage like he said and even though I don’t think the bank would agree I don’t know how I will pay on my own after we had to get more money to cover his debts:(((.. Yet I still love him as he has worked hard for me and his family and I feel bad for him and understand he feels he has nothing. I am in such turmoil and pain and confusion and also hiding it from my mother so she does not suffer and the burdon of the work he would leave me with and the mortgage etc but I don’t want to not see him or talk to him. He was my life for 13 years and still is. I only wake up in the morning and exercise and look forward to the days I will see him. Other days I feel like staying in bed all day:((((There is so much more to all this but I am sure most of you out there are asleep by now…I still wear his bracelet he had as a baby, it has been there for 13 years, I still call him my husband and only today someone asked him where is your wife and ‘she’ was sitting next to him…..He seems to get closer sometimes and then drift a little other times. I don’t get it… he put me as the recipient for is life insurance even though she was around. We refinanced and he was so talking to the bank manager about when we have our children etc that the bank manager said you two are too romantic. She was around then too. He has lied to her and yet says she treats him well etc apart a few times. He said to me she does not understand us she does not understand I would never take anything off you. She does not understand my job how hard it is you do. My head is spinning everyday with this….:….( I am so lost and sad and confused and desolute.. it is soul wrenching:((
Ana, great post. Once again I am struggling with a sleepless mind dealing with a seperation. I can relate to your story except I don’t have a resolution yet. My wife has not come to a decision about the future of our marriage. I have acknowledged where I have gone wrong and make a daily concious effort to not repeat those behaviors. I have grown tremendously but my mind keeps focusing on the worst case scenario which negatively impacts my actions and words. It is a struggle at times to keep positive but I know if I dont things will not go well, that has been what has landed me in this situation. I live in the now and make every attempt to block out the future, because yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and all we have is the present which is a gift. I am trying to find acceptance and to strive for a better way of life and have faith that no matter how our seperation ends, I will be a better person because of it. That is the only control I have. I am being patient and doing everything I can to repair the damage I have done, that is all I can do. After almost 9 years together my words have no meaning, and it is my actions that will say I am not that person anymore. Thank you for your thoughts and I wish you the best.
Hi! I am glad you liked the post and that it helped you with what you are going through. What I can see from your post is that you also made a mistake and that special person is having a hard time forgiving you. You have already taken the first step for making things better, you have acknowledged your error and are willing to make it up to her. You are going in the right direction. If you hurt this person, try to understand her. Practice patience and empathy. Please keep your mind flowing with positive thoughts. This happened to determine how strong or fragile your relationship is. Any outcome will be for the best. You might not see this soon, but eventually you will see why everything happened for a reason. I hope everything turns out ok, but in the meantime don’t let the negative thoughts consume you. Focus on all the good things going on in your life and keep it positive! =)
Great article! Keep writing!
Hi Nelsi, thanks a lot!
They say it takes two weeks to get over loss, that might be a relationship that lasted 15 years or 15 weeks, the death of a loved one (although you never get over that, the pain just lessons), or a traumatic incident. I’ve found this to be very true in all three cases. So its best to keep breathing, be kind to yourself and don’t expect things to be better too quickly. Each day will get better, but don’t be hard on yourself if it takes awhile. Also thought I’d share one of my fav sayings, it’s from Anais Nin “forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it”. Bestest!
Hi Colleen, I adored your quote about forgiveness. Thanks for sharing that =)
Gawd, that was supposed to say two YEARS not weeks… Sorry!
So happy I found this blog. I love it. This article helped me tremoudously. Thank thank you
Hi Margie, I am glad this article helped you. Keep practicing patience and acceptance. And always keep the positive thoughts flowing. =)
I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation and am glad to know that what I am feeling is normal. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Victoria. It is definitely normal. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now. Do not pressure yourself to feel something different, if you do this you will only end up more confused and overwhelmend, trust me. Everybody goes through hard times in their relationships, you are not alone. Be strong =)
This is so timely. I love reading these day to day and they either apply to my life or someone I care for. Thank you.
Hi Linda, thanks for your comment. I am glad this article will help you or someone you love. =)
I am in the middle of a breakup and this article has definitely come at the right time. What’s confusing for me is that we both stil love each other and want to be together. But know from previous experience that for some reason we can’t work as a couple.
For some reason even though we love each other so much we both agreed to split up because we agreed we didn’t bring out the best in each other. Since we broke up we have both become a lot more active and productive than we were.
I just don’t understand how I can love someone so much but am also not meant to be with that person.
Any advice? We are still e-mailng occasionally and it’s been 2 months since we broke up. I know the article says avoid all contact but I would still like him in my life even if only as friends, although that probably will make it harder to move on…
Go back to him. Make it work. Life is short and full of sorrow. Don’t let anything stand in the way of your love.
I want to make it work more than anything, but don’t see how it can :S
Hi. I am so glad you are writing what you feel and are asking for advice. I understand how frustrating can be havin the dilemma of being with someone or just let them go. I totally understand the feeling of loving someone but also knowing deep inside it’s not the best option to be together. I know it’s confusing and overwhelming. I am going to try to summarize everything I have learned from my relationships and also my friend’s. Sometimes its hard to end a relationship because you still love him and you are used to sharing everything with him, and its hard to let go because the first few months you will obviously miss him terribly. But here’s the thing, nothing nothing in this life is permanent. Everything changes. If you break up, you can someday get back together, or you can meet someone else who you will love even more. If you already know the reasons why you shouldn’t be together you need to be brave and be without him for a couple of months. In the article I wrote that you need to end any communication, this is because I believe it’s the only way you can actually think, live, grow and find a solution to your problems. When you stop seeing or talking to this person both can grow and change. Let time pass, and then maybe you will get together again, but you will be stronger and wiser. And this time it might work! But I strongly believe you need time apart for this to happen. And time means 6 months or one year, not a few weeks. It might be hard at first, but remember, we humans get used to everything, eventually you won’t be missing him so much, you will get used not to talk to him. Also, remember not talking with him doesn’t mean you have erased him from your life. You can always start a friendship or relationship with him after time has passed. Just make sure everything ends in good terms. Let me put it this way, you can either have something beautiful and permanent in the future, or you can have something brief and fragile right now. Trust yourself, trust life, trust the universe. Nothing is permanent, so don’t worry to much. If you need further advice we can talk any time! I =)
Thanks for your reply Ana, I really appreciate it. I’m still very confused but think you’re right. What I didn’t write above is that he has bi-polar and doesn’t manage it very well. I tried to help him but I know he has to do it for himself not for me. I was fed up of being let down constantly when he couldn’t give me the support I needed. And I also feel terrible for being upset when he let me down because I know sometimes he can’t help it.
Other times I feel like he is using his illness as an excuse to do things he doesn’t want to do. And then feel bad for thinking that, even though my instinct tells me it’s true. I felt like I was giving up my life for him and have since done research into unhealthy and co-dependent relationships, which I think we were unfortunately both. I can see now that a lot of this stems from my parents unhealthy relationship and repeating the negative patterns. So I feel like I can’t have a relationship again until I sort these issues out with myself and learn to stop myself from repeating this negative behaviour in the future. I also can now see how his fear of abandonment made him act in certain way. He was very jealous and possessive, which I pointed out to him wasn’t healthy. He agreed and then continued to act in this way. I still really love him and believe he loves me too. I just want us to be able to have a healthy relationship which I’m not sure is possible.
I look forward to your reply.
Confused x
I think you are on thw righ path. Maybe I don’t know all the details of your relationship and of your personalities, but I can obtain from what you write that you are perfectly aware of the situation. You have detected what needs to be changed, and you have almost mad eup your mind on a solution. Keep doing that, keep thinking about you, about what you want and need, and go for it! I know you love him, but you also need to think about yourself.
thanks Ana, I guess you’re right. It’s so much easier to see when you’re not in the situation yourself. Really appreciate your reply and looking forward to the day neither of us are upset anymore.
Best wishes x
Thanks! It will be very soon! That’s for sure =)
I sort of know how you feel. Strangely enough I don’t even know if I should call it a break up because neither one of us really said ”Enough is enough, we have to end it here”. There was no closure. The relationship was intense. Tons of romantic e-mails, text messages, hour long phone calls several times a week, regular suggestions for romantic getaways, years of him confiding in me about his life (both personal and professional). He knows I love him. Yet when I needed him last year his response was perfunctory and his behaviour has become somewhat distant over the years. I just can’t fathom how this situation went from such am intimate, loving relationship to ”this”. Distance has killed it somehow but somehow it seems like it’s not the only issue. I can’t help but feel like it was all a sham and I was taken for a ride. Our last contact with each other was in end of Jan. 2012 but we’ve known each other since 2008. I’m not looking for friendship because I wouldn’t be capable of being ”just friends” after what we had. We’ve often gone for long periods of no contact but sooner or later we end up contacting each other again (which probably explains why I feel like I’m in limbo). I can’t understand how you can go from telling someone that ”they renew your faith in humanity”, that they are your sweetheart, that they ”kiss you with tenderness” and spend inordinate amounts of time confiding in you if there is nothing between you. How can you knowingly hurt someone who loves you by acting in such an incoherent manner? Letting go and moving on are just not possible… forgiveness also seems impossible. I wish I could know with certainty that I would someday very soon find great love (respect and tenderness) but I just can’t see it happening for me. Taking a chance on someone else means risking being duped again. I guess that hard part in this trying to stay strong and keep the faith (i.e. that one day your relationship situation will be what it’s meant to be).
Ah only just noticed this response. It is very confusing. I try and have faith in the fact that some of my friends who have been in similar situations have gone on to find ‘the one’. One of them is eve getting marries this year and I am sooo happy for them because they are obviously perfect for each other. I often think that if your friends and family are encouraging of your partner then that is a good sign. And if they’re not, it;s for a reason and should probably ring alarm bells (obviously there are exceptions).
Since we’ve broken up my friends and family tell me that I am much better off without him and that I wasn’t myself when we were together. Something I am now starting to see, although I still love him and part of me does want to give it another go.
In terms of my friends and family, I can see the ones who are with the right person and am deeply happy for them. I can also see the ones who perhaps aren’t such a great fit and wonder if they are stopping themselves from finding that perfect person by ‘settling’ for what they’ve got.
I suppose what I am saying is that you should try and look at your relationship objectively (easier said than done I know) and see if he really is the person you think he is and actually do you deserve better?
Also, are you scared of moving on because you don’t want to get hurt again? I sense the answer is yes, but you have to take risks in life if you want to get anywhere and hopefully once day they will pay off.
Wishing you all the best x
The MAJOR problem I have is that there is no closure. There is no real ”break-up” as such. Polite, bland e-mails sent by someone who always seemed very, very keen to communicate with you is very hard to take. Was I insecure? Yes, yes I was. I always felt his attitude was a little too ”joke-ie”, always the clown. His own insecurity of not being sure he was ”special” (i.e. he felt like he was just another guy who didn’t warrant being “chosen”) enough probably pushed him to be ”charming” to all women. What hurts is knowing that I spent years (countless hours) being there for him when he was going through some difficult times but he was not willing 9or capable) to do the same for me. I was his ally, confidante and backed him up but he wasn’t willing to back me up, fight for me or our relationship. I’m not perfect but I deserve an explanation. Even if he’s hurt or angry by something I did, the least he could do was tell me. All this potential lost …That’s what hurts.
You think you’re over it and then it all those feelings come back like a tidal wave.
In any case I hope you (Confused) end up finding the right person for you.
Take care.
I know what you mean, it must be really hard for you. I suppose if it’s meant to be its meant to be… Whether that’s with him or with someone else you meet in the future.
Maybe you should request some time where you don’t contact each other. This might give him the kick he needs to decide what he actually wants. Weather it’s what you want to hear or not, at least you will know then and you can take the next step weather that’s getting back together and making it work. Or finally saying its over and moving on.
I still think about my ex all the time an want to speak to him every day. But I know that’s not what either of us need at the moment so I’m trying to be strong. It sucks but I believe everything happens for a reason and soon you will understand why this has happened to you and what lessons it has taught you. Whatever the outcome im sure it will make you a stronger person and help you grow.
Not saying its easy at the time but when you look back maybe in a year or so it will all make sense.
I have seen so many people break up with a long term partner who aren’t 100% sure. Who have then gone on to find someone who is a million times better than that person and who really seems like they were meant for them. And I trust this will happen to both of us when the time is right too 🙂 cxc
I would love to talk with you , you seem to be going through same feelings that I’m going through right now .
This was a timely article for me to read.
At the very end of July I left Italy and the relationship with the man I lived with for over 6 years. Everything fell apart. I didn’t know what was happening. He was having health problems. In fact, as I found out later he was terminally ill and kept it from me. After I left he never communicated with me except to write and tell me that my beloved dog had died. She had cancer, too. But he didn’t tell me although I knew she was ill. I thought it was just arthritis. She died a month after I left. He died on Jan.31.
Talk about letting go. I know all to well the mental hurricanes that rip through the mind. I have good days and bad days. But what scares me the most is the feeling that I’ll never trust anybody again.
oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you, Sera.
Hello! Thanks for sharing your story. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I haven’t gone through the same situation, but hopefully thethings I shared on this article have helped you let go. My only suggestion is for you to start trusting again. Life is fill with different persons and opportunities. And I know for sure love is the best medicine for a broken heart. Time helps too, but love really makes everything better. Love of yourself, love of your friends, love of a new girlfriend or boyfriend. =)
I am trying to cope up with a breakup from my
“BFF”. I helped her through some very difficult times sacrificing a lot of my
time and energy to support her. When it came time to support me she didn’t give
a damn. She was getting judgmental and started criticizing me for small things.
I finally broke up with her. I am learning to cope up with how to deal with
this break up as I still feel heavy resentment towards her for taking advantage
of me. I hate this negative feelings as it is all consuming. It is getting complicated
as we are connected thru common friends and it is hard for me to put on a
“being nice” show. I am also going thru some rough patch in my life. I
also desperately want to have some good friend and just have some good times.
No drama queen and someone who wouldn’t be “me me me” all the time. Just some good
laughs. Any good advice would be appreciated!
Hello! I am glad you are sharing your story and you are channeling your frustration by writing. This is the first advice I can give you, never lose control in front of her or your friends. Try to keep it together and then find another place or person that will be there for you when you release your anger and resentment. It’s hard when you have people in common with your ex, I know how that feels, but it’s impossible to change things. What you can change is your attitude. The first days or weeks will be rough, but eventually you will not even notice that you have friends in common any more. Trust me. I also wanted to recommend you to try to eliminate all negative feelings towards this person. Those feelings and thoughts will be of no use. You are not making things easier for yourself. Holding to anger towards someone is like “holding a hot piece of coal on your hand expecting to throw it at someone”.. “only you get burned before you even throw it”. Beleve me, you are doing more harm to yourself by remembering all those bad things she did to you and not letting them go. I am not telling you it’s easy, I am telling you it’s possible and it’s your best option. Forget about what she did, that’s her issue, not yours. If you did everything right then be proud of yourself. Feel good about yourself because you did everything you could to make this work, it didn’t end because of you. Also, if you say you do not derved to be treated this way, then this separation is a good thing for you. You will find someone else who will treat you like you deserve. Keep looking, keep living, have patience and never give up hope, give it time =)
Thank
you so much for replying back. I am trying few of your tips / advice from
article and already see a huge relief!! I am just hoping it is not a temporary
thing. I am trying to get back to focusing on life instead of being in grudge.
The key is to start! Then time will pass and everything will be better. Have faith!
Great article!
This is exactly where I am right now! My Ex broke up with me last November. The key thing that Ana said that I want to reiterate is that THERE IS NO ONE ANSWER. So I’m journaling, talking to friends, breathing, meditating, crying, yelling, drawing, starting new projects and practicing self-inflicted compassion. 🙂
One thing that has also helped is that I taped a picture of a 6 year old me on my laptop. I’m in front of it 12+ hours a day. I’ll look down at that little guy and tell him I’m here for him and that I’m cheering for him now.
Kind of weird, I know. But strangely enough, it helps. That younger version of me is getting unconditional love now.
I love this idea! It helps to have an outward representation of the inner you that needs to be loved and cherished.
Not only i fell better now but i am happy to have the accompany of yours.
I would try that…. 🙂
Yes, there is no one answer. All the things that you mentioned are great ideas to distract your mind from falling in negative thoughts. =)
Really great idea. I often think of my younger self. (^_^) Would she be proud of me or how I handle certain situations.
(How i got my husband back with the prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he fwas and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in ourx relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
This is not weird! This is so beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes because I too have looked a pictures of myself when I was younger and would just stare at it and and think, look at me… I never thought I’d be going through this when I became an adult and it really makes u think, that young picture of yourself makes you think! It brings back childhood memories and you just tell yourself look what’s happening to me.. it makes me moviated and sad at the same time. I love the statement “I’m here for him, ‘I’m cheering for him”… love that
Wow, what a great idea!
this made me cry so hard!!!! but is soo true
thanks for sharing!!! the steps will b hard to do
Hello! Thanks for your comment and for reading the article. =)
I’m in a committed relationship right now and I don’t foresee having to use any of these tips again, but I really enjoyed reading this and thinking about how I handled past relationships. Thanks for taking the time to write this.
Hi Kyria, thanks for your comment. It really made my day =)
I needed this… thank you! but I don’t know if I could enjoy the sensation of knowing I did everything I could, I do most of the things you listed there but I don’t think I did my best, because he just left without saying anything… but I am getting by and I try to stop asking why.
We should focus on what we gain than the loss…
Hi Joyce, don’t worry if one of those tips does not fall in your list of thing you did or didn’t do. Every situation is different. Be proud of yourself because you are doing the rest of the things on the list. Besides if you are telling me he left without saying anything, it means you couldn’t really do more, since he left, it was his choice. I am glad you know that you need to focus on how much you have gained from the experience , because it’s always the biggest reward. We grow, we learn from these situations. Be sure that you have gained more than what you have lost. It’s all a matter of perspective =)
Very very well written. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanka a lot for your comment, it means a lot.
I have been recently faced with a similar pain. It seems there care many of us dealing with this pain. For me I believed so strongly that we should be together, that I did nothing wrong, and that we worked well together. She was in many ways everything to me and I loved her fully, openly, and without fear. She was tired, overwhelmed, and scared with things in her own life and so when things got rough and we lacked the communication and selflessness needed to make our relationship strive she ran. I could not let this happen I smothered our love instead of nurturing it and now all she can see is the negative things about me. It’s hard to deal with. It hurts really bad. I feel like I have reached most of these steps and it’s incredible to hear someone else feeling the same thing, especially when I couldn’t feel more alone. The unfortunate part is even after the attempting to move on, the acceptance, and the all of it it doesn’t make it hurt less. It doesn’t make me not wake up and think about her only to remind myself not to. It’s rough and I feel for anyone going through this right now. Thank you for you’re contribution.
Hi Dante, I am glad you responded to this post. I know how you feel. I know for sure that this pain will soon be over. Trust me. Right now it might seem it won’t, but it will. Even if you don’t end up with this person, you will eventually be happy and be ready to move on with your life. Please feel free to feel whatever you want to feel. Don’t feel bad for feeling this way, it will only overwhelm you. Give it time. Write down everything you feel, and then write down everything you SHOULD think, and repeat it every day. This will give you a boost of energy you will see. If you want to talk deeper about this topic I will be pleased =)
I am moved by your testimony Dante, and that pain can be immense. The only way is through it, every step however small moves you onwards. Remeber you are a good person and deserve to be safe and happy, treat yourself with kindness.
This is exactly how I feel right now. I’m in the same situation…
Hi Dante, thank you for your testimony. Am on the start of this journey and feel so lost. I will follow the advise from this blog and will definitely read a lot. Thank you to people who shares experience for others to cope up with life better. I will do the same.
Your response touches me… I’m in the same situation. We were good together but when things got tough he wasn’t emotionally open enough to communicate and resolve things with me. I’ve accepted and even feel better most of the day but still wake up thinking of him with a pounding heart. Let’s “let go” together. If they were truly right for us they may come back one day. And if not, there will be others to love and be loved by 🙂
I have the same heartache right now as you all did, im just curious how you’re feeling today? I hope and pray for you that you have found happiness and that you take pride in what you have overcome. It really is a great feeling to know that you im not alone and that they’re are such great people as yourselves to share you’re experiences with the rest of the world. Its been a battle between with me and my ex for almost a year now. I have a love for him ive never felt before. I havent spoken to him in 11 days. Best no contact trial I have ever done, and hardest to say the least. Hes tried contacting me. More these last few days. Call maybe, a couple texts, now fb messages. I blocked him today, as much as I didnt want to, I did. He is notorious for playing games, while he does his “soul searching”. If I continue to ignore him and he stays contistant in his attempt for us to try to work it out, should I give him a chance? Idk. Sometimes I think I got this, I can handle it. Then sometimes I really really don’t think I do!!! 🙁
hi steph, this post is 2 months old, i wonder how you are doing now? How did it all work out? My bf broke us up 3 weeks ago. I haven’t been able to maintain no contact for more than 3 days max in that time, trying to get him to change his mind. I’m on another day 3 of NC now and hope to keep going, I want to see if he’ll come around on his own, he needs to be in control of things or he won’t even think about it. I’m trying to focus on myself and my life but it’s so hard..just like you said i go back and forth w/ thinking I can handle this and thinking there’s now way I can.!! 🙁
it sure does hurt so bad 8(
Dante my position is 100% identical to yours.
It’s been a long time for me 9 months and sometimes pain chases me and catches up with me. But I know that I will be happy and so much more happy without a person that just gave up and rolled over.
I’d never just give up on something least of all love. I wan’t a person who would be there for me if I was dying and needed them and they were the only person I could depend on, and who were not only there for me but made me feel secure that they would be there to the end.
I’d highly recommend listening to the album Battle Studies by John Mayer it has made me feel a lot better, it’s a smorgasbord of feelings and emotions that mirrors relationship issues from a male perspective.
(How i got my husband back with the prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find fa wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).
Hey Dante:) What you described, it’s as if it was written exactly about my situation..I could have not put my own thoughts better (I even can’t believe it)..the only difference I am a woman and I am in that position now..nearly 4 months from break-up ,but really just a month living on my own now. I feel really hopeless and depressed so much sometimes that i don’t feel like getting up in the morning..and feel so lonely,coz I live abroad with no close friends or family here. He was my closest person here for last good few years (and that was my mistake) .
Your comment was posted a year ago. I I hope you feel much better now and have managed to move forward..and I wish the same for myself and others somewhere there , who feel the same incredible pain..
Hey Joanna :))
What Dante described is exactly my situation right now,adding to this, I am a man, working abroad, had a 5 years relationship with my ex, she broke up with me last month, because she wasn’t fighting as I was for our relationship and wasn’t feeling love anymore (she still has fellings but not strong enough), and she felt that it’s better for her to focus on her life and let me go! It was a shock for me since I was living here alone, sacrificing evth and just waiting for the day we can get married and she can join me! I’ve read a lot about post breakup advices (since it’s the best thing I can do) since I was alone by myself, without close friends or family here! I totally feel your pain, I’m feeling like an idiot since it came out of the blue and couldn’t see it coming! I would like to know what happened with you and how you’re dealing with it… I am following the no contact rule of course, working out and keeping myself busy as much as I can, but right now, I am not able to enjoy life, I am waking up every day thinking about her then fighting with my subconscious mind to stop it! I would be glad to know what happened with your case and how you feel right now. Thanks 🙂
Sam.. when we are heartbroken and in a situation of breakup no wonder all we do is to think about the other person, including when we wake up in the morning. its just natural. I am or at least i think I am in a same situation. Since my boyfriend breaks up with me several times in a month and he comes back calling and begging to take him back. He knows I love him down to my soul and i know I am being stupid to do so. But here i am in love with a man who abusing me emotionally every other day! and i just let him do it because its impossible for me to leave him. But since yesterday I just decided to tell him its over and I cant take it anymore. So we are now talking but I know he is going to send texts and call and try to make me to have him back, just to break up with me again! I just have to mention that we are grown up people, with kids from previous relationships we are both 47 and we are kinda act like we are 18! But love doesnt know age, when you are in love you feel young. So even if i ended with him, my heart cries and missing him but i know its a impossible love.
Hi Sam, a couple of months ago after a 6 years relationship my boyfriend and I broke up. He started dating someone else and that was devastating for me. We talked again a couple of days ago and he said he needed time to sort things out, but on the meantime he stills is with his new girlfriend. He said that he still loves me but he is with this other person. I was wondering, how were you able to move forward since it has been 3 months since you posted your comment.
Hi Paola, it’s been approx 4 months since my break up.
To be honest, as I already mentioned before it was tooo much pain to handle on the first month. After writing the previous comment I discovered that she was kind of attracted to another man just after we broke up, and that’s how I realized that the relationship is over at least from my side. She was trying to contact me a lot (during the last 2 months) trying to get another chance to work things up, saying she’s sorry… The lesson I have learned is that you can’t accept someone who didn’t worship you enough for who you are at first. In my situation I can’t deny that I still love her and care about her, but I can’t accept her anymore in my life, she broke my heart and she didn’t realize who I am until I decided to let go, until she lost me and that’s why she wants me back! It’s a very confusing situation to be in, but you need to be rational and think about yourself and about who you are and who you were just before you met your ex. If you want to judge him try to put yourself in his shoes, will you behave the same if it was you? If it’s a NO then you know that it’s not the right person for you, you deserve someone who treats you at least the way you’re treating him.
Now to respond to your question, YES I moved forward, I can’t deny that there are still feelings deep inside but try these rules and you will see how much you will recover faster:
1/ No contact rule from your side, if he contacts be polite and let him understand in your way that you’re not interested anymore.
2/ It’s time to focus again on YOU, you are here now alone with the whole world with or against you 🙂 it’s up to you to decide and to make your mood ready for this new challenge.
3/ Spend time with yourself first, improve your appearance (sports, healthy lifestyle, treat yourself now you don’t have anyone else to spend on)
4/ This is not fun: List all the pros and cons about your ex, and you will see if he’s good enough to win another chance, or if it’s time to definitely let go.
5/ Don’t expect that everything will be fine shortly, it will take a hell of efforts and good will to be back on fire again, meanwhile focus on everyday without worrying about the future, and soon enough you will notice that you got used to the distance and that you love it this way now, well at least that’s what happened with me.
6/ Don’t date if you’re not ready, you will be even more sad and confused.
That’s it, I hope it helped. I will be glad to respond to any other question 🙂
Wow this is very touchy subjection,when I broke up with ma bf I did a stupid thing n the that lead me to that point we were cohabiting,so I could not just let go of him coz it was so painful to be kicked out lik a dog after everything we’ve been through together,to cut the story short I burnt the house coz in that moment I cud c dat he’s got a girlfriend so I wanted them to start 4rm scratch like they we did,it was last November,bt 4 months later we got back
Thats godo advice my fiancé broke up with me on December and she’s already seeing someone we were together for almost 5 years and we have a daughter together. I have cried and beg her for me come back and she always replied I need time. It hurt me so bad that she needed time because she wanted to be with someone else. She said she left me cause God told her I was not the one, I still have hope we will come back together but I don’t know.
Hi john I hope you get your love one back. I can feel your pain. I’m going through the breakup too. I’m missing him terribly. He is the one love of life. I love him from bottom of my heart. I can’t think of anyone else ever I just want him back in my life. I’m crying and constantly thinking about him x
This helped me a lot. Thanks so much
Hi Paula! I would like to know how you’re doing now? Do you feel better? Im also going through a break up, almost a month here…
(How i got my husband back with the prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met himf. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).
hi Joanna hearing your story is what makes me feel bad about breaking up with my bf he is from Mexico and has no family and very little friends here so I feel bad for what we are both going through. I want to Hugh him and tell him he will be ok, but not take him back. I still care, but if I show him he will think that I will stay with him and I can’t unless he gets himself help for his insecurities, and jealousy issues
I’m in the same boat. I am so confused right now. I still do not understand why I’m in this situation. I guess only she will know. She asked me to leave exactly 1 year ago today. We have 2 beautiful children. I cry when I look in there eyes because of my guilt. We didn’t fight a lot, hardley ever. Long story short is, she wanted a divorce and to this day, she hasn’t filed! WHY?
I would love to know where have you reached in life now. Been 9 months of no contact.. still it feels yesterday we fought. Those habit of calling sharply at 8pm.. still makes me touch my phone around 8, when something good happens I remember him, I read news about his native place because I was almost sure we both would be going back there after we’d get married, I would raise my kids on the same environment their father was brought up, that waking him up with kiss, teasing him on his favorite team’s loss, texting him funny love messages when he used to be at top of his anger, embracing him in his melancholic mood, cheering up ..huh.. fills my eyes with tears. Then I tell my self whatever I gave was thrown in trash .. while I was struggling with heart break and stress induced ill-ness , he was leching around, opening a/c in dating websites.. looking for random cam sex. Everyone in his family knew me .. i knew the marriage was coming but now when I see him approaching ladies on matrimonial websites .. I feel those two years we invested in seeping inside each other deeply.. does it even matter? I was left on so many excuses I couldnt buy.. but now anyone who is willing to settle down with her.
I still love him, care for him but I never make any attempt to contact.. he is happy, brimming with energy ..new job, new place, new people, new plans.
At times I pray if I could have been as insensitive as him. I try to stay busy but memories sneak through. Hopefully there is some meaningful reason for this pain I am going through.
Reading such posts make me wonder.. there are so many people like me .. then why had I been choosing wrong people.
(How i got my husband back with fthe prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).
it hurts bad but, I am recently going through a break up , my partner whom I lived with , shared a bed every night, I left my friend ,family , my all just to be devoted to him and my son, and he decided to not come home for 5 days , and he wanted back but I couldn’t take him back because he was gone for days with no calls messages nothing and plus he didn’t want to explain were he was and blame me for his mistake, I said no you cant come back ,just pick up your stuff and return my truck that I work hard to have and give to you for your small business, now that after all I forgave I finally stood up to my self and said no to him and now he hates me because I said no to his return , and took the truck and he has no were to go or transportation to get to his job site. I feel horrible and my decision hurts every day and sometimes I think if I would of shut up and taken him back ,maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this pain and have him back in our bed our home , but I realize WHO LEAVES THERE HOME FOR 4 DAYS WITH NO EXPLINATION NO CONTACT AND GETS UPSET WHEN YOU DO QUESTION THEM? HOpe my decision was correct. and I don’t wish this pain on anyone because its a dying heart breaking pain that you want it to stop and wont , and there is no medicine to heal it.. STAY STRONG .. GODS PLAN IS BETTER THAN OURS.. YOU WILL BE OKAY I PRAY , ALL OF US WILL BE . JUST TAKES TIME ..
Dose it get a better
Maybe he got thrown in jail and was ashamed to tell you
good post really enjoyed soooooo much …….i like u ann really really great post
Hi ! Thanks a lot for your words, they mean a lot to me. I am glad you liked it =)
Thank you for writing and sharing this. Last week my fiance broke up with me. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and we live together. He has struggled with untreated mental disorders that have changed him and I often struggled with the decision of whether staying him was good for me or not in the long run. His thought process became distorted at some point and he decided that the only thing he wants to focus on in this life is enhancing his spirituality and personal spiritual growth. And for him, that now means there’s no room for me in his life. It’s pretty clear that he has no idea what he wants and is just as conflicted as me. He still lives with me and is trying to find somewhere to live but he quit his job, owns no furniture, and somehow expects to find somewhere to live. I’ve given him a few weeks to find a place. I don’t know what to do. He acts like nothing has happened: still smiles at me and he’s told me he still loves me and it hurts him to end it. I still have to see him everyday and I don’t know how to cope. I’m finishing up a medical degree and already under so much stress. I moved away from my family for school and only have a few friends here. I have no idea what to think … part of me really wants to be with him and live my dream of getting married and having kids. And the other part of me is mad at him for doing this to me and for “wasting” so many years of my life. At the same time, I wonder if it’s best to just let him go and try to move on. He has been my best friend for a long time and I just feel lonely and isolated. This was helpful to read. I’m going to try my best to take this advice to heart.
Hi! Thanks for writing and sharing your story. I think there are a lot of key points on what you wrote and I am going to try to give you an advice for each of them. First of all I don’t think those years with him were “wasted”. You learned from him, you grew, you shared happiness, that’s not a waste. Even if the relationship in the end did not work out, you need to see those years as good memories and experiences. The fact that he is still living with you and you are helping him move out shows you have a really big heart and what you are doing shows you are a great person. I think in this case if he has made the decision you need to let him go, because that’s what he decided and that’s what he wants. If he needs his time and space it’s a good thing he told you before you got married. So please look at this as a positive thing! You will also have time to think things over, since it appears you are confused about certain things. I think this separation has come in a very good time, try to see it this way. Eventually when time has passed you will look at things differently. Trust me. Besides, nothing is permanent! You can always get back together =)
I was with my ex for 20 yrs when he ended our marriage, and we lived together for a few months whilst he tried to find somewhere, looking back it was the worst thing we did because the conflict is always there…maybe we will work it out, is thus really over, how will I cope. When he did move out it hurt like hell, and it was extremely difficult. But then the grieving process begins and eventually the acceptance. It will and does get better and at times you wonder if you will get through it, but you do and although you will miss everything initially, you will learn to manage to deal with things differently and with different people.
I agree that you have wasted nothing, although have felt the same several times in my life after a breakup. NOw married 30 years, I know that I would never have in my life now what I have had we stayed together. This is a time for YOU to discover new possiblities.One thing that may help is to start a list of what the possible benefits to you may be without him. Worked for me!
I broke off a 4 year relationship that was on the verge of an engagement one year ago. I regretted it and tried EVERYTHING to get him back, but he refused and entered into a new relationship only a month after we had broken up. I spent month after month being angry at him for wasting 4 years of my life as I am now 30 and wanting marriage and children, but then I realized something that helped me forgive him and let that go…no matter how sorry he could ever be, he could never give me back those years of my life. Even if he wanted to, it is impossible, so what was I holding that anger for?
I can’t believe i’m on this post…. i thot i had been healed…after crying and telling myself it will be fine…it’s been 5 yrs, and i still can’t summon the courage to tell myself he’s never coming back… Just reading your comment enables me to yell at myself and say same thing…”he’s never coming back”…and those precious 5 yrs are all gone… these methods above didn’t seem to work for me…but i’ll keep trying… Thanks all the same…
How To Stop A Divorce And Save Your Marriage?
My name is Nakita Shelton,am from California in USA.i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr.Brave brought my husband back to me, i had three lovely kids for my husband, about four years ago i and my husband has been into one qaurrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be stronge just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i should not worry about it at all, so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so i contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawlling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great suprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.thats why i want to say a big thank you to Dr.Brave. This great man made me to understand that there is no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:bravespellcaster@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
Sorry for your pain, I understand where your coming from. My man just left me a week ago. We were only together for 10 months but I’m really missing him right now. However, If I’m being honest with myself I know we aren’t right for each other. So I know this was the right thing to do. I’m going to take out time for me and focus on my self and my well being instead of everyone else’s. But back to you, it’s been a long and your “still” feeling bad. Maybe it would help if you considered get some help? Talk to a therapist about what your going through. It sound like you may have a little depression going on. Hope you feel better. And remember your NOT ALONE! We are all in this together and here to support one another!:) Cheer up…
Hi. I am currently going through the same situation. I read your post and could relate to your pain. I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and we lived together for 2. I also think he is battling with some sort of mental illness but doesn’t want to seek help for it. His dad was schizophrenic and I don’t know if he is for sure but I have wondered. After 5 years, he has decided there is a calling for him to move to California without me bc we are not right for each other. He is also obsessed with conspiracy theory websites. He has also been my best friend for years and i’m very sad at the thought of him leaving for good. I am also in graduate school and feel immense pressure on top of sadness. I think in both of our situations as hard as it will be, is to let them go. If they come back they love you, if not they were not meant to be in your life forever. Think of this person as there for a season to teach you something. Good luck to you and may your heart heal.
I’d get out of that environment and move on 5 and a half years is longer than a lot of marriages. It is ridiculous that someone would put you in this situation. I really don’t think that is fair on you and would recommend going to live with your parents family or a friend and ditching your place. I believe people deserve what they give others in return when there is an uneven exchange it’s time to scadaddle. Strength to you and happiness in your medical career I believe that to help oneself is as honorable as helping others.
I’m going thru something similar.My fiance n I live together for almost a yr. I have children he thinks they are brats n that they don’t show him love n affection.He is going toschool wks n when he gets home he is on his phone texting his friend supposedly.I says he needs to take care of himself first before anyone else. He gets angry at my daughter a lot n he thinks he’s always right. I don’t argue with him. Last night he told
me once our lease is over we need to go our seperate ways. I know
What to do. I just let go of my job. He doesn’t want me to have any contact with my family.I feel trapped alone. I love him but I don’t think its right for him to treat me like this. I know I need to go asap but its so hard to find a place when am unemployed and with children.
Thats all good….but…my ex who up and took a temp job in ohio and has one of his “girlfriends” there with him….but he is still having his mail sent to my house, the probation department still thinks he lives at my house, i have a room full of his mail and clothes and junk, and a garage full of his tools his junk parts, his boxes, his mess. He also left in car registered to my daughter and presently insured by me……..now tell me to let go and move on….I .just got over pneumonia; i am trying to quit smoking; just stopped “using”. And he knew all that when he continued to smoke while i was sick and refused to leave..claiming “i get my mail here”…now he is gone and i am left with this f…ing mess, bills, etc.
For a week or so i told myself all that good advice (above) then i realized that i am not similarly situated.
So now what….kill myself (just kidding) ..,find him and kill him (just kidding) ….that would give me temp relief, but id still have to deal with all this …..
Any words of advice…..
Ahhh break ups are so sad and yet. More times then not the most necessary. This post has been well written and one I would have loved to read several years back when I went through yet another breakup.
Now looking back at those tears I can easily see why they needed to happen as they were so unhealthy. Now I can say thank you for dumping me .
Now my life is full to the brim with love, honesty, and same mindedness…what a joy..
Hi Eva. Thanks for your comment. I am glad to see you now know that everything happened for a reason. =)
Thank you for this essay. The advice is excellent. I recently went through a very painful breakup, one that was not my choice. It has been perhaps the most wrenchingly painful experience of my entire life (and I’ve been around for a while!).
As difficult as the parting has been, it’s helped me discover quite a few things about myself. I’m seeing how I compromised in the relationship, in areas where I should not have compromised. And I’m seeing that even breakups, when handled in a spirit of gentleness and compassion for all parties, can bring powerful clarity.
Thank you, Ana.
Hi Alix, I am glad you liked the article. I know how it feels, to let go of someone because it was her/his decision. But we have no choice but to deal with it in the best way possible!
Ufff it´s so hard for me to let go… i waqnt so bad to stop regreating and just accept he doesn´t want to know about me. it was a great and yet hard relationship… we loved each other but we couldnt be together. We couldng see often, but talked every day and shared every momento. i was getting really hard on him the lasts months, every time finding a reason to fight and argue… and he just said “don´t write to me anymore, you tired me” and never talked to me again. i phoned him and he said we werent a real couple, that he decided to stay like he was and not choosing me. that he loved and maybe, some time, will met again.. i am still trying to understand what trigger his decission and why after 3 years he wouldnt give us a reall break up… he just waited for me to call him to say reasons i still cant accept. they are not enough. we deserved at least a reall end, not this…. he said he loves me but if he does, how can he just vanished without explaining his decission? im a mess, i know. he hadn´t written since january and i still cry for him and think it just imposibble for me to stop loving even after what he did. thanks for the post, ill try to put this in action. i was doing well till a week ago that i just went a few steps back again….
Hi Mary. Thanks for sharing your story. I know how you feel. It’s really hard when we dn’t understand why the other person reacted that way. But you know what? We will never understand. We will never be able to look inside their minds to figure out what are they thinking. So please try not to question his behaviour. This will only drive you crazy. Just think that he made that decision and that you need to accept and respect it. Of course he loves you, but maybe he thinks this is not the right time for you two to be together. I strongly recommend you to stop thinking so much about what he is doing or thinking. Focus on you. Try new things. Do fun things. Read. Go out! Stop thinking of why he left. If you did everything you could you have to be proud of yourself.
i read the article and all the comments and it made me cry so hard. when i met my bf i was the brightest, happiest person. i was sure it was meant to be and after 3 years of being single and rejecting any possible commitment, i met this man, fell in love and devoted myself to him in a fearless way. the past months have been torture though. now i am standing in front of him, looking at him as if he was a stranger who humiliated and insulted me in every way possible. still i love him so much and the fact that after every crazy fight he crawls back telling me how much he loves me, drives me completely insane. this relationship turns me into a person i don’t want to be and i need to find a way to let it go. i have lost my energy, my light, my happiness and feel completely worn out and empty. i will try to apply everything i read but it’s gonna be so hard to do, as i feel weak and vulnerable.
Sounds like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve been there, and it will never, ever get better. It only gets worse. Get out while you can still remember your old self… you will find happiness again.
Hi Cassandra. The first step is always the hardest. But I think you have mad eprogress because you have already identified the reasons why you shouldn’t be with this person. Now you need to make a decision and stick to it. Find support on friends and people you love. Tell them to remember you how strong you are and how much you deserve from life. Be brave, you know you can go through this.
AFRICA VOODOO thanks for making my wish true! I was totally devastated when Frank left me. It was like all my world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But your kind words when I first emailed you gave me hope. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic he were from his first email. I know it sounds weird but out of all the casters I contacted, he were the only one to give me that impression of being so true and caring. More than your words, it s the fantastic work you accomplished for me that I will keep in mind. He brought my lover back and he made all my wishes come true. He s now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema or at the restaurant. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! if there is anyone to get your ex back to you, it is africa_voodoo@yahoo.com
Last year I went through a really intense breakup…we were together for 10 years but had just grown apart, and it went from bad to ugly. I can definitely say that all you’ve said here is incredibly helpful and accurate. I actually just sent it to a good friend of mine going through the same thing right now.
Many thanks. 🙂
Hi Tara, thanks for your comment. I am glad you liked it and you are sharing it. I wrote it to help other go through their own break ups. I felt so alone when I dealt with mine that I decided no one should feel like that when going through such harsh times!
Hi Tara,
I realize your entry was made over a year ago, so I’m not sure if you’ll even get this. Anyway, I was wondering how you’re doing now? Does it get easier? I was in a relationship with my best friend for 10 years, and it’s finally come to an end. I am heartbroken and I just don’t feel like it will ever get better. I am drowning in sorrow and I miss him so very much. It was a tumultuous relationship, with both of us saying and doing hurtful things that left scars and irreparable damage. It seems that this day was always coming, but now that it’s here, I just cannot bear it. I feel weak, like a loser, and like a failure. This man who loved me with all of his heart, and showed me in so many ways, has left for good. He got tired of me leaving him time and time again. I always felt the reasons for my leaving were legitimate though– I didn’t like the way he would speak to me sometimes. He sprayed me down with water for several minutes during one argument. He was not always kind when he was angry, but he wasn’t that person all of the time. He loved me and was such a caring and sensitive person. But it’s over and I am mourning this loss. I just don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. Please tell me that it gets betters. Have you found love again? I just turned 35 and I don’t want to give up on love yet. Sorry to ramble on like this. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for the advice it’s really usefull and true as well
Isn’t it odd how you stumble upon items at significant times. This was just what I needed to read at this moment in time. I was feeling extremely hurt and vulnerable tonight as I have done randomly on and off for the past few months. I had a long and drawn out parting from my ex whom told extreme lies to both myself others and the woman he left me for and then returned to once I had asked him to leave my home last May. I have found moving on very hard, not because I miss or want him but of the fact I probably never really knew him in the first place.
(he told me he was single or as good as and moved into my home living with myself and my child for almost a year, yet his ex at the time knew nothing of me and thought they were on a break)
Lots of what is written makes sense and helps.
Thanks to all for sharing and thank you Ana for your article.
Hello! Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad the article helped you. Everybody goes through different types of break ups, what we share is the way we react and respond to those events. Everything will get better soon, that’s for sure.
“Enjoy the sensation of knowing you did everything you could.”
This is the most important for me. Once I realized this, the pain and hurt of the breakup practically vanished.
Wow! What a great read! A friend if mine passed this on to me and ai am so grateful! I am dealing with a loss myself. You see I fell in love with my best friend. We started out as friends…then progressed to more than friends…then to something else. He would often tell me how much he loved pieces of me, how great our sexual chemistry was, hiw great I was with his kids and what a great mom I’d be. Then…….out of nowhere he tells me that he’s asked a mutual friend out. And suddenly things I’d chosen to overlook because they were friends became so utterly and painfully clear. I even got a comparison that night…..and still he picked her. It’s been over a month and it still hurts like hell! I love him and wish the pain would go away. It is encouraging to hear that I’m not alone. There is comfort in that. I just wish ….nope not going to go there…..taking advice from the article. I don’t expect to get answers from him (and I’ve asked for them) and that is ok, too. No answers are answers. Perhaps the door shut forces me to build a new exit/entry. Thank you for posting!!!!!
Thanks for your comment and fo sharing your story! Please remember that the pain will eventually go away, just give it time, and try to follow the tips I included on this article. They really work, trust me. But you have to apply them on a daily basis! Everything will be fine, trust me, you are not alone.
Great post Ana….. I can so relate to it….. Its pretty comforting to know that there are more people like me out there who have similar experiences and most of them came out strong….
While going through my break up I was always looking for guidance and i was told time and again to give it time and it will get better with every passing day… I promised myself that if I ever see someone struggling i would give them all the support they need ….
But in hindsight I realise that the best way of dealing with it is to actually take it easy and give it time…..Time heals everything…..
Hi Mitali. I am glad you related to it. When I was going through my break up I also needed to hear someone telling me they could relate to what I was feeling. A lot of people have gone through this, that’s why I decided to write this. And you are right, TIME heals everything. You just have to be patience and focus on something else.
thanks for this. i noticed i cried intermittently for 15 days straight, and then on the 16th day, no more tears….well, am just on the 21st day….sometimes i still get sad, but then i remember why we broke up, and i just shook it out, that sadness. cuz there is no point anyways. we were together for 2 years and then he just said he will never marry ever….and not even to say, he is not ready to get married ye but he is fully committed to us or to our relationship…and to think we are not teens, he is 31 and am 37. anyways, life goes on. it gets easier to breathe as days pass by. we who are in the heartbroken zone might be almost immobilized by sadness but eventually, we’ll get better. i wish all of us a fast recovery :))
Hello! What you are currently dealing with is recent, please feel free to cry and be sad if you need to. It’s perfectly normal. With time the tears will eventually fade away. I am glad you remember the reasons why you broke up, this will give you a lot of strenght to stick to your decision.
Yesterday morning, I was looking for another “answer” to ease the pain after seeing my ex over the weekend and I saw this article. She moved in to a new place with her dog who I adore. I looked around and I really like everything about her new place except for one thing… I’m not in it.
I’m doing very well moving on but I took another step back from my “moving on” life.
We miss each other but as friends. I made her favourite meal that night and I felt really good
Before I used to say “I’m ready to fall in love again” but now I keep telling my self “I’m ready to share my love again”
I told her that all I want is for her to be happy with her new life.
I told her that I am grateful for all the great memories we shared together.
I took one step back… but I think I took 20 steps forward.
Tomorrow, I have to it all over again. It’s not easy but you have to do it.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar
I loved your quote. I am glad you know that you have to keep a positive attitude every day. You need to make a habit out of it.
I want to make frindship to u as i m feeling very good to have u all
Sharing love quotes with one you love is a great way to let them know you care. With hundreds of quotes to choose from you are sure to find the perfect quote on love here! Smiles are contagious so be sure to make someone smile today.Find the perfect quote on love here! Browse through these wonderful love quotes Share a love quote with someone today.
Love quotes |
Quotes about love |
Quotes on love
I both love, and disagree with this post. I think the advice and wisdom shared is wonderful! I also think there should be the caveat that a break up (especially from a serious/long-term relationship) is a major loss. And you must grieve that. There needs to be a balance between focusing on today and remaining grateful for the blessings in our lives, AND processing the very real, raw emotions that we experienced from yesterday’s heart break…without actually working through these emotions and going through this process (which is, unfortunately, always longer than we’d like) we never get past them. It’s ok to be sad, and to honor the time we spent with someone we loved by letting ourselves be upset (and also reflecting on what we need to learn!!)…after losing my father to cancer one of my favorite quotes was “Grief is the result of loving deeply.” A break-up is like a mini-death. Move forward AND honor that time and person.
Hi Jacquie. I agree with you 100%. A break up is a mini death, and that’s why I support the idea of letting yourself feel the pain and the sadness.
Hello, my husband decided to end our 6-year marriage a couple months ago. I am from Europe and in the process of moving back. In the meantime, he texts me to go for coffee or out for dinner (once a week). Is it wrong? I feel like it’s ok since in less than a month, I will be so far from here, that we will not have the opportunity to see each other at all. It is still really hard to accept the reality of the situation. I still love him. I try not to hope for anything but its hard. Do you think it’s wrong that we keep contact?
Hi Laura. Thanks for writing. I don’t think it’s wrong that you keep contact right now. It’s only been a month, and your marriage lasted 6 years. I think it’s ok to keep in contact before you make a big decision such as moving back to your country. My only advice for you is to be smart and be very aware of his intentions. You have to think about yourself also, think of how seeing him makes you feel. Also, try not get your hopes up. You first need to know what HE wants by asking if he can talk to you. Ask him directly what his intentions are. Think about yourself, of your own well being.
Thank you I needed this story. I recently broke off my off and on 4 year relationship. We have broken up no telling how many times throughout the year’s. Yet this time it’s different. I still love him more then I can express, yet this time I know its it. I set him free and in doing that I set myself free too. I think its so hard because we a child together, and he continues to lie unnecessarily. Life goes on!! I wanted change in my life, and now I got it. I decided I have to take care of me first.
Hi Lacyssin, I am glad to hear you say that. It’s very important to think of yourself also and not get lost in the relationship. I knwo you still love him and it hurts. But I strongly believe things get better as time goes by. Have faith and never give up. In a relationship that goes on and off multiple times, I think the best medicine is to spend time apart. But not a few days, but months! That way both can really think things over and decide if you really want to be together or if it was just a routine.
Wow! Breakups must be an epidemic…or maybe it’s just at the top of my consciousness. My ex broke up with me in November because he started seeing someone else. I’ve been a mess and there were a couple string along times until he decided to move IN with the new girl after only a couple months. I know that I will eventually reach a point I will be grateful since this will open up a space for someone that is more suitable, safe, honest and trustworthy, as well as much more like minded. We weren’t a good match and this is best. But I’ve still got lots of grieving ahead of me. I’m still a mess. And oh yeah, I love the suggestion to read, read, read. It’s been my escape, therapy and best friend. Great article.
I am so glad you liked it! Never lose hope, things will get better. And it’s perfectly normal you still feel this way. Don’t pressure yourself. Feel what you need to feel but also do something to make yourself feel better =)
This is an amazing article that definitely hits close to home! I was running though tough times when my ex broke up with me after 4 1/2 years into our relationship. Must say that it was by far one of the most terrible times in my life. I have always wondered what it would be like being together again after the break-up? I really don’t know. All I really know is that I got over the hardest part: Letting go. Redefining myself through self taught lessons and understanding full the consequences of my actions brought me on a journey to meet the most amazing girlfriend! See things happen for a reason. Yes, it will hurt at the beginning but there has to be an ending to the story for the next chapter in your life is waiting. Everyone will get over this with the true and well devoted heart to yourself, giving you the ability to “find you.” When you finally meet the other person that will treat your heart with respect and love in equal amount to them. Then you will think back reminiscing upon the time your heart was broken from the previous relationship, but if it was not for that break-up you would have never ended up where you are now. “Things always happens for a reason and if things were meant to be, then it will be!”
This is an amazing article that definitely hits close to home! I was running though tough times when my ex broke up with me after 4 1/2 years into our relationship. Must say that it was by far one of the most terrible times in my life. I have always wondered what it would be like being together again after the break-up? I really don’t know. All I really know is that I got over the hardest part: Letting go. Redefining myself through self taught lessons and understanding full the consequences of my actions brought me on a journey to meet the most amazing girlfriend that I have now! See things happen for a reason. Yes, it will hurt at the beginning but there has to be an ending to the story for the next chapter in your life is waiting. Everyone will get over this with the true and well devoted heart to yourself, giving you the ability to “find you.” When you finally meet the other person that will treat your heart with respect and love in equal amount to them. Then you will think back reminiscing upon the time your heart was broken from the previous relationship, but if it was not for that break-up you would have never ended up where you are now. “Things always happens for a reason and if things were meant to be, then it will be!”
great words never even thought of this by breaking up it opens the door to a something that was never possible it’s almost like reversing my problem
thanks
Thank you Ana for sharing this and writing this. Last night I almost had the urge to call him, and even though I initiated the break-up. I felt guilty that I couldn’t change. I realize that I need to respect myself and my desires. Thank you thank you thank you. This is exactly what I needed this morning to hear.
Ana,
I just had to comment and say that this piece was so kindly written, in such a heartfelt way that I found it really touching (and I’m not talking about the actual content, which was fantastic on its own). Then I read through the comments, and your response to them, and I was just so impressed at how thoughtful and empathetic you were to every person. That is such an amazing gift, and that you shared it here is really special. I appreciated seeing that here!
The one thing that became clear to me after my last breakup was how many of us are going through something similar, all at the same time. I have tried, ever since, to treat everyone with extra kindness and compassion because I know what a difference those things made for me during my most painful times. You’ve done that here for others and that is so awesome!
Best to you!
I am going through this right now. Thank you so much for your tips.
My ex and I had not communicated for almost 2 months. However, I did e-mail him a few days ago to say a proper goodbye (I said if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, he didn’t have to reply to the e-mail. I asked him how he was doing and then said if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, he didn’t need to reply to the e-mail. But I said I felt better if I could say some last words — thanking him for everything, apologizing for my behavior, and thanking him for allowing me to learn how to start loving myself.)
He responded to the e-mail just a day ago and the tone lacked sincerity — (although he said he was very tired at the time of writing it) — just as our communication was a few months ago when we were talking, I can tell he’s very distant. (He has a right to be of course, I hurt him a lot emotionally, I was very insecure and created a lot of nasty arguments.) But I just wish he would say that he’s not comfortable talking to me anymore, instead of creating bland conversations. That what has been frustrating for me when we were talking a few months ago.
I replied with a short e-mail, saying that if he wanted to keep in touch, he could e-mail me whenever.
I think this will be the last e-mail I send unless he e-mails me in the future.
Even though the same negative thoughts that caused our relationship to end pop up for me every now and then — I am trying to be present, but I allow myself to cry when I feel the urge to.
I just want to stop being selfish. I want to be 100% happy for him even if he finds someone else to be in a relationship with. I want to unconditionally love him, no matter what. But I feel like I’ll never get to this point, when I have these negative thoughts and feel so angry or sad thinking about him being with another person. 🙁 I don’t want to be this way! I want to be selfless.
Holding on to past relationships may be the need to avoid the true situation which always returns to self and the choices the self makes not the ‘object/person of love’ which has nothing to do with the self …In other words when I have rerun a past relationship it is to make myself right and avoid the real problem of my poor choices and own up to that …the person could be anyone..it is my growth and ownership of my actions which leads to a better self.. these thoughts are related only to my individual path…wonder if anyone else experienced this…
Please tell Ana S. that we are very much alike, & that I love her for helping me so much today. I’d love to see more of her work or follow her on twitter. Thank you for posting! Much love to you all: If we’re alone, are we all together in that? Dawn
Yes Please ! Very nicely and very well said “Relationships do BREAK ” – but – which break naturally due to some concrete resons – one can face and forget easily – but those which are intetionally broken for selfish reasons – are very painful for those you suffer the jolt ! Those people are who TRUST their partners / friends – and when this TRUST and LOVE is shattered – one feels very broken and lonely ! It is very difficult to forget and forgive ! Memories haunt you – and – One cannot FORGIVE – others meanness ! and I feel one should not !
I haven’t spoke to my ex-partner in a few years, and I often wonder how she is. I can’t recall why we broke up, or what was said, but my heart is still heavy for her, at times. We came from 2 very much different backgrounds, and there were times where we couldn’t reach common ground or understanding about each other.
I want to get in contact with her, but I don’t want to open any old wounds. After 3 years, my love still equals pain.
I like this article, but sometimes things are more easy said, than done.
It’s always good to remember that we are not alone, even when we really feel like we are. My ex and I broke up back in September, and it’s been a long road. We’ve had little to no contact since, but we ended on really good terms, and I thought we could stay friends (silly me.) It’s been harder to let go of that best friend I had, and I miss him terribly. I struggle with feeling hatred towards him when I hear he’s moved on, dating other people.. but then I calm down and remember I truly wish the best for him. I do struggle a lot with the “what ifs, what could have beens”.. even almost a year later. I’m someone who really needs a full year to heal and move on from a serious relationship. I thought that I was weird that it takes me so long to feel comfortable letting go. But once you get to that beginning point, and I think I’ve reached it recently.. you can just feel that weight lifted off of you. One day, we’ll look back on today and smile, I’m sure.
Well said Kim! Would you please email me at (mytopshelfevents@aol.com)? I have experienced something similar. Would love to chat with you:-)
I am so horribly lost in this right now. I was dating the most loving, devoted man for 2.5 years, and I broke up with him for the 2nd time a week and a half ago. The first time we’d only been dating a few months, and I thought we were too different – he was messy, seemed a little too new to life, etc; I was career driven and knew the way that I liked things. But I asked for him back a few days later that time, and he took me back immediately. I saw something incredible there… and then somehow, over the last 2 years, lost sight of it again.
We moved in together too early, but it was either that or not see him. We talked a bit, about the messiness and him playing computer games when I thought he should be looking for a job – I took it as an indication of a deeper flaw. After a while the talks became fights, and then at some point I stopped fighting because we weren’t getting anywhere, but I didn’t stop feeling it. I just bottled it up, tried to fix it myself, and became deeply unhappy. I stopped being affectionate, and starting being cold and passive agressive. All the while, he kept his affection for me, which in some ways just made me resent him further that he could be happy when I was so unhappy. I passed up sex for weeks sometimes, even though I was unbelievably attracted to him, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So a week and a half ago, I don’t know what clicked, but all of that resentment clicked on and I broke it off without much explanation other than that I was unhappy. He begged me to stay, to work it out and go to therapy with him, but I was convinced that I was right that we didn’t work. I spent a whole week in my indignation, coldly dealing with logistics about who was going to move out and who keeps what. He was devastated, completely surprised, and confused at why I would do something so drastic.
It wasn’t until Saturday that I realized I needed to tell him everything, even if we didn’t try to work it out. But we couldn’t talk until Sunday morning, and when we did, I started going through all of the reasons and they all sounded so shallow and unworthy. In that moment, I let go of so much horrible pent up emotion, and all of a sudden I could see him again, and I saw what a horrible mistake I’d made. I asked for him back, and he said he needed time, because he couldn’t get his heart broken a 3rd time. And he shouldn’t take me back, I let so much trivial frustration steamroll over our relationship and tear him apart. But we talked and it seemed like, with time, it could be good again.
But I found out from him last night that he’d been with someone else the morning before we talked. He said he’d lost all hope, and that it was part of him moving on. Being sexually exclusive with him was so sacred to me, and to know that he’d given up on that… well, I know now that it’s over. I have barely gone a waking hour since then without crying.
I’m starting counseling today to figure out my shit. He said he can’t imagine his future without me, and that he wants to find a sublet temporarily and we can look at things in a few months, but in the mean time this is his opportunity to go out and date and try new things. And it makes me physically ill, I want to crawl out of my skin. I can’t stand the thought of him no longer sharing our home, but him being with other people is just beyond my dealing scope right now. I want to look forward to the fall and if we can work it out, after I’ve had some therapy and he’s been able to heal from the hurt, but that seems like an impossibly long time away. If I let him go, I just know in my heart it’s forever.
It hurts the most because of how senseless it was, how horribly I handled it, and how I cruelly hurt him so badly that someone who once looked at me with the most loving, adoring eyes now wants to leave. It’s all my fault, and I don’t know how to forgive myself for the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
You did the right thing
don’t blame yourself! you did your best.
Thanks. I need reminders such as this. It’s been more than a year and I still feel the pain from the break up.
hey..i hav got bak wid my ex jus two months bak..he had left me for his ex two yrs bak…he’s all d way caring,sensitive and very thoughtful…bt i olways hav negative thots dat he myt jus again leave me,or wht if he somhow comes in contact wid his ex and again m d one being left…i hav comparisons dat he used to hav his ex’s walpaper on his laptop..y not ours on it nw..dis is killing our rltnshp..he says my undue negativeness wud take me nowhr..as well as it is frustrating fr him too..he says he neva eva bent down in frnt f sm1..bt he’s changd so much having me ard him..but m still haunted by my past experience..nd a setback i suffered bcoz f him nly two yrs bak..which had me in depression…m myself troubled bcoz f thots nd visions i get all d tym.even whn i set fr stdyng..i lose focus quickly nd my mind wanders..i re love him,nd wana hav him love me d same way..