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Posts by Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.

Lori Deschene's Website

7 Vital Choices for Happy Relationships

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

A little over a decade ago I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart and become a young bride, which made it all the more devastating when happily ever after didn’t pan out. When we broke up, I felt literally like I lost a limb, complete with phantom sensations of his hand in mine.

It didn’t take long for a dark guilt to bubble up—a constant festering reminder of all the mistakes I’d made. I was highly unstable and insecure back …

25 Loving, Supportive Things to Tell Yourself Today

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“Identify one supportive phrase you wish you heard more growing up. Every time you pass by a mirror today, look at yourself and say that.” ~from Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges

When I was a kid, an authority figure once told me, “If I was your age, I wouldn’t be your friend.”

I tried to act like I didn’t care so I wouldn’t give that person the satisfaction of knowing how deeply they hurt me.

But it hit me hard, and it stayed with me for years. Someone who was supposed to like me didn’t, so why would anyone …

Why Self-Help Might Not Help, and What Will (Interview & Book Giveaway)

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Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are:

When I first found what looked like a self-help book called The End of Self-Help, I thought it was a tad ironic. And I wondered if perhaps the author was suggesting that self-help is inherently harmful.

As someone who’s bounced back from overwhelming adversity using some very powerful self-help tools, this didn’t quite sit right with me.

Then I decided to stop wondering what this book was all about and instead find out by reading it. I couldn’t be …

Why Rejection IS Sometimes Personal (but Not About Your Worth)

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s their loss. Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean anything.

Well-intentioned people have told me these things many times to soften the blow of rejection. And I wanted so badly to believe them, but how could I?

When someone doesn’t want you, it’s hard not to take it personally. They don’t want you. It must mean something about you, right?

When five college theater programs rejected me, when guy after guy ditched me, when countless potential friends avoided me, …

Confessions and Lessons from a Former Approval Addict

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“It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie

I’m short. I’m stumpy. My nose looks like a pig’s. My inner thighs touch when I walk. My gums show too much when I talk. I have to change the way I look. Maybe then you’ll like me.

I obsess. I overanalyze. I get caught up in my head. I dwell on things I should let go. I can never simply go with the flow. I have to learn to be laid back. Maybe then you’ll like me. 

I’m shy. I’m anxious. I’m dependent on reassurance. I ask for …

A Tiny Act of Kindness Can Help Someone in a Big Way

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I started working in the food industry when I was just twelve years old.

I couldn’t drive, stay out past 11:00pm, or do algebra, but I could easily fill a bag with bagels at a business owned by a close family friend. And so I did, every weekend.

It was a simple job, working the dozen counter. I didn’t even have to ask people how many they wanted (thirteen, a baker’s dozen—that’s just good business!) I only had to ask what kind they wanted, then hand it to them, make change, and send them off with a “Have a nice …

We All Have Bad Days and All Need a Little Kindness

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”Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.” ~Unknown

A couple weeks back I had what Alexander would call a no good, terrible, very bad day.

I’d slept poorly the night before—possibly because I had caffeine, which I usually avoid, somewhat late in the day, and possibly because I have a toddler-sized bladder that doesn’t seem to understand or care about REM cycles.

In addition to being physically exhausted, I was feeling emotionally spent. I’d been dealing with a high level of uncertainty, as my boyfriend and I were preparing to move yet again, after months of discussion …

5 Ways to Experience the Kind of Love You See in the Movies

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“Maybe it’s not about the happy ending. Maybe it’s about the story.” ~Unknown

Growing up, I often pretended my life was a movie, and created quite a few awkward situations by trying to force real life to look like a romantic comedy.

In the movies, everything was so electric.

People didn’t just care about each other; they adored each other. They didn’t just date; they had a montage of amazing memories, complete with tandem biking, skipping, hand-in-hand, in a field of flowers, and dancing in the rain.

That’s the kind of love I wanted—the intense, always exciting, never disappointing, made-for-the-big-screen …

A Powerful Guide for People-Pleasers (and a Giveaway!)

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Update: The winners for this giveaway are Galit Erez and Granny Nate.

I’ve often wondered if I suppressed my tears when I was born, in fear of upsetting the doctor and my parents.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn this about myself, as many of my childhood memories involve a fear of causing trouble, and an even greater fear of the consequences.

As I grew older, I began to shape-shift to please the people around me. It was exhausting, but I frequently tried to control their perception of me so I could feel confident I was likely to receive …

1,501 Mindful Communication Tips (Interview & Giveaway: What Would Buddha Say?)

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Update: The winners for this giveaway are Divya Rangi and Sand.

Growing up in a loud Italian family, I learned early on to scream and speak fast if I wanted to be heard. Neither of these things is conducive to speaking mindfully. And doing these two things together, especially when angry or agitated, all but guarantees a stressful, ineffective conversation.

I’ve had quite a few of those in my life. And more times than I care to admit I’ve hurt people with things I’ve said—to them or about them.

I’ve offended people by speaking impulsively, I’ve damaged trust by …

50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem (Interview & Book Giveaway)

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Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are: Julie C. Perry and GoBubbles1.

Growing up, we learn innumerable things about how the world works and how we’re supposed to fit within it, but not all of us learn to recognize our own worth.

In fact, many of us learn the exact opposite—that we’re not worthy, not good enough, fundamentally lacking, inferior to others, and maybe even a disappointment to those who expected so much from us.

Perhaps more troubling, we may not even realize we believe these things. And if we do develop that awareness, we …

A Life-Changing Guide for Emotionally Sensitive People (and a Giveaway!)

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Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

You’re too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Why are you letting that bother you? Why can’t you just let it go? Really, you’re crying? What’s wrong with you? 

If you’re an emotionally sensitive person, like me, you may have heard some of these phrases throughout your life. And, like me, you may have concluded that your emotions made you tragically flawed.

For the longest time, I felt a deep sense of shame about my sensitivity. And I found it difficult to deal with …

Letting Go of Difficult Emotions eBook (Name Your Own Price!)

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“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

Growing up, I often felt emotionally overwhelmed, causing others to call me “too sensitive.”

It was very clear to me from a young age that emotion was a sign of weakness, but try as I may, I couldn’t escape mine.

I believed there was something wrong with me for feeling so deeply—that I was fundamentally bad because of it—then I felt bad about my inability to change.…

A Guide for Poor Sleepers with Overactive Minds (and a Giveaway!)

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Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen:

  • Siri Sims
  • Monterrey

As a kid, I often played movies in mind when I was trying to fall asleep.

I’d start from the opening scene, as if I’d popped a tape into my VCR (because that’s just how old I am), and I’d mentally watch as much as I could before drifting off into slumber.

As an adult, it amazes me that I was able to relax and focus my mind in this way back then, as I’ve spent much of my older life overthinking and tossing and turning in …

Get Mindful in May and Pause for a Great Cause

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When your mind is scattered, your head full of worries, and your heart full of fears and doubts, the world is a stressful, sometimes terrifying place.

When you take time to clear your mental space, suddenly everything feels easier. Without the heavy burden of anxiety and rumination, you’re free to simply be—and to see.

It’s like cleaning a dirty window; all of a sudden, the light comes in, light you didn’t even realize was there.

What provides this cleaning, clarifying magic? Meditation, and even just ten minutes a day.

My whole life transformed when I learned that I could free …

Enter to Win $500 at Thrive Market (A New Online Health Food Store)

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Have you ever noticed that unhealthy food is a lot cheaper and easier to get than healthy food? You can zip through a drive thru and get an entire meal off the dollar menu without losing more than five minutes or five bucks.

Because I was busy and on a budget, I formerly ate a steady diet of processed, packaged food, which did very little for my energy level.

I didn’t realize at the time how poorly I was meeting my nutritional needs, or how I was poisoning my body with artificial ingredients and chemicals, but I knew I frequently …

Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

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Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

I have a confession to make—I sometimes cringe when someone tells me to “just be positive.” I’ve often assumed this really means, “Your sadness is making me uncomfortable, so please stop talking about it.”

To be fair, I wouldn’t classify myself as a negative person—not now, anyways—though I have my moments. I do, however, feel for anyone who might be classified that way, as I know from experience that deep negativity often comes from deep pain.

We all face our own battles in life, some more overwhelming than others. And …

There Is No Expert on You

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“Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

Sometimes it seems to me that we are collectively obsessed with expert advice.

In some cases, it makes sense to consult an authority.

When you’re planning for retirement, it’s smart to seek out a financial planner. When you’re starting a business, by all means, sit down with someone who’s done what you aspire to do. And when your dog gets sick, it’s probably smart to call your veterinarian instead of …

Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

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“See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

That …

40 Ways to Give Yourself a Break

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“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ~Lao Tzu

It’s common among overachiever types: We like to push ourselves.

Sometimes it’s to get from A to B. Sometimes it’s to create the illusion of change when really, you’re just spinning your wheels. Sometimes it’s simply to avoid standing still and accepting the moment as it is.

All that pushing can feel so smart and productive—until you’re exhausted, overextended, overwhelmed, or otherwise ready to snap. I’ve felt all these things before.

There are days when I try to be everything to everyone and …