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anita
ParticipantDear Klast:
Thank you for the no-rush note! Iconoclast: a person who attacks cherished beliefs or institutions. I see why you chose (the short version of) this word.
“I grew up going to a Christian church… It was one of those churches that abused me in unspeakable ways, that I fortunately don’t remember“- I am sorry to read that you were abused, and in unspeakable ways.
About re-associating with your anger and re-personalizing your life, you wrote: “I guess so. I am a bit concerned about going through all this with the current state of my brain“- good point, something to ask a competent professional, if you are interested. In general, any kind of re-associating/ re-personalizing work should be done very gently, a bit today, a bit tomorrow, noting rushed.
“I have recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD , after all the traumas throughout my life. Seems like I am regularly getting diagnosed with something, every decade or so“- (1) C-PTSD is an umbrella diagnosis. Last I read, in the U.S. (DSM-5) it was rejected as a diagnosis because it’d make many previously accepted diagnoses obsolete, (2) There are so many mental health diagnoses available, no wonder most- if not all people- fit at least one. I was diagnosed with quite a few.
“I used to have bad panic attacks, but I learnt to down regulate them with diaphragmatic breathing… Back then the docs said I had the lungs of someone 11 years younger, now it’s only 5 years younger“- excellent job down regulating panic attacks, inspirational!
“When I met my wife 20 years ago. I had a strong sense of us having a long term relationship. Within 3 months of me moving in, her kids wanted to call me Dad. She’s a trauma child/woman like me, we feel we are on a committed life journey of healing together.“- again: inspirational!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Dylan:
As I read your post, I thought to myself: what an empathetic, thoughtful and kind person you are! (so I figured I’ll type out my thought).
“When I met her, her Dad’s contact on her phone was blocked. Not even a year before, her parents got divorced… Until she met me and we started dating, she didn’t believe in love because her parents were never in love (arranged marriage) and it was very tough on her mother… Her mother’s siblings all have complicated relationships with their spouses too“- witnessing her parents’ marriage (and others’) left a bad taste in her mouth, so to speak. It makes sense that to prevent marriage, she’d fall out of love. It makes sense that she has trouble committing to a relationship that may lead to marriage.
“What I really want to know is this: what can I do to ensure that she never has to ‘fall out of love’ again? I had an excellent three years but I also don’t want to be with someone who isn’t ready to commit, so I am not going to try and convince her to come back or anything. I just want her to experience true love like we had but the next time, she stays in love.“- no one can ensure that she never falls out of love again. Quality psychotherapy can help her recognize and process her different feelings about her parents’ divorce, about her mother and about her father. following that, she may be able to have a healthy, committed relationship/ marriage.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Sophy:
Thank you for resurrecting my thread with your wise words and encouragement.
“Journaling about it seems like a great way to process those feelings… I hope others feel encouraged to join in and share too. You’re definitely not alone in this. Keep going at your own pace—there’s no rush in healing.“- again, thank you, and I too invite others to journal about their anxiety, here in my thread, or in their own!
anita
September 7, 2024 at 12:19 pm in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #437095anita
ParticipantDear Bhavana:
Did you read the stories and suggestions in this 10-page thread? If you did, or do, please share your thoughts about the suggestions I and other members offered on this thread.
anita
anita
ParticipantI am sorry, Klast: I ran out of time to reply to you as attentively as I would like. I intend to do so in the next 1-2 days.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Shandrea:
You are welcome. “I currently feel accomplished… for now I feel ok!… I love the whole me now“- good to read this!
“I have a lot of family members blocked from my phone. They gaslight me, they also call me a names like Oreo (My skin is black but I act white.. My sister wants me to unblock and talk to them… Last year… my dad… called me fat… and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t… I don’t want to be a part of drama but I can’t keep these people blocked forever“- I would keep all offenders (family or not) blocked from your phone and from your life.
“As a kid I was forced to talk to these people but as an adult I don’t have to“- exactly: now, you don’t have to!
“How do you treat or communicate with relatives you don’t trust… I guess my son need to meet them too“- if you choose contact with offending, not-to-be-trusted people, do it not in a 1-to-1 context, such as talking with your father on the phone, or meeting him where it’s just you and him (or you, him, and your son), but in a public setting where there are people around, a setting where an offender will be too embarrassed to offend you (because people are watching): let’s say a wedding, a big family gathering, a restaurant.
“I also told him (your father) what I thought of him. I called him a cr*ck head sperm donor“- you pointed to and criticized his specific problematic behaviors: addiction to crack, and not parenting his children. In this criticism, you gave him an opportunity to consider his .. misbehaviors, and to consider changing those. If he was a good person, he’d say (and mean it): yes, I am addicted to crack, and yes, I did not take care of you. I am so sorry. I want to make it up to you now, just a bit..
Notice that when he said this to you: “He also called me fat“, he was criticizing, not your behavior, but your looks, which is nothing but rude. When he said this to you: “and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t“- he did not criticize any specific problematic behaviors that he thinks you should change, so= no opportunity for you to consider positive changes. He was general and his intent was nothing but to hurt your feelings.
I am so sorry that he talked to you like this. It makes me angry that he did. You definitely did not, and do not deserve such talk!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear YOR:
You are very welcome, and good to read from you again, a bit over a month since you posted last! (I did not create this platform though: I am a member here, just like you!)
“one day he just told me that he has his religious calling. So he stopped entering bars… But all this time sharing the same bed with me was never a problem?? And I never saw this as a problem? I could have preserved myself if I noticed this. But I thought he is the one“- from where you are now, being outside the relationship for months, you can look back- with some distance- and see things you were not able to see when you were in the relationship. When you were in the relationship, there was no distance between your heart (emotion) and mind (logic). In other words, your heart ruled, and as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants: it wanted to see that he was the one, so that’s what it saw. (It didn’t want to see evidence that he may not be the one.. so, it didn’t).
Fast forward, there is some distance between your heart and mind, and.. logic has its say: you can see his inconsistencies, such as the one you mentioned (evidence that he is not the one for you).
“I am 25… I feel like I am too old now, and I will never get anyone in my life, and it is kind of scary to be alone my entire life you know“- notice that what scares you is not being alone for your entire life (it didn’t happen; it is not your reality), what scares you is the thought of being alone for your entire life. It’s only a thought, not a reality.
I suppose the idea that you will be alone your entire life came to be because you thought that he was the one, and part of you still thinks it.. and if the one is gone from your life.. there is no one else.
“All this came into my head after one of my childhood friends suddenly got in touch with me after a year… When I told her that I separated because his parents… preferred a housewife and very religious person.. she said and I quote, ‘Good for you, you don’t deserve to spoil anybody’s life. You just care about your work and yourself. You are selfish and you will die alone, never find anyone because all of us can look through you.’“-
– there is a saying: with friends like this, who needs enemies? Reads to me that she’s been jealous of you, and angry at you long before she recently got in touch with you, and that she is jealous because you are an independent working woman, and she imagines that your life is much better than hers. In her anger, she tried to hurt you/ to cause you some emotional pain..
“Hearing this from my childhood friend, was so painful… Her words hurt me bad“- and she succeeded.
“I am not selfish. I try to help. I do spend a lot of time working, but I also spend time following my hobbies“- in my communication with you, I sensed no selfishness. On the other hand, your childhood friend (no longer a friend) revealed selfishness when she tried (and succeeded) to hurt you. I am sorry that it happened.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
Your first post on tiny buddha was on Dec 20, 2016, and I replied to you on that same day (34 minutes after you submitted your first post). In your various threads we communicated in 2017, 2018, 2019, and (following a break of 5 years), most recently, in 2024.
On May 19, 2019, I submitted a post for you that is still relevant today: “Dear Tom: Fear is a powerful emotion and it stops a whole lot of people from making progress toward a better life, a better job, a better relationship, a better anything. When we are too scared, we freeze and stay where we are. You shared about your tendency to overthink in previous threads in the context of relationships. Anxiety and overthinking is often not specific to one context in life but extends to many contexts…”.
As I went over your threads this morning, I noticed that we never discussed your childhood, where I assume your anxiety took hold, and that such a discussion may be helpful. I am guessing that one or both of your parents were often disapproving, critical, and that as a child, you walked on eggshells, so to speak: anxious as a child, anxious as an adult.. any truth to this?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Tom:
When you posted last, you were 4 weeks in at your new job; now, a bit over 4 months-in, and very unhappy with it. Maybe you should look for another job..?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Zenith:
How nice of you to stop by (virtually) and ask how I’m doing! I am okay, a bit upset that mowing today, I ran over a water hose and tore it in 4 places. Not the end of the world, is it, lol. Soon, I will go out and about and be back in the evening. How are you???
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Klast (short for Iconoclast): I am glad you posted again, and will read and reply tomorrow!
anita
anita
ParticipantLily-Mae… ?
anita
ParticipantSorry for the misspelling of your screen name, Shandrea.
anita
ParticipantDear Shondrea:
You mean my participation here in the forums? No, not at all a job. I am a member here, just like you (I will soon be away from the computer for a while).
anita
September 5, 2024 at 9:17 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #437052anita
ParticipantDear Robi:
I want to add to yesterday’s post: “I was very attached to them as child (very young barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… I hated them“- liking them less and less, even hating them, does not mean that your strong attachment to them was- or is- gone. It means that layers of dislike and strong anger were added to the strong attachment, a complex emotional state to have.
(Written in Spain): “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense…I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there”-
– the boldfaced is evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents. What I didn’t boldface is your confusion because of.. the confusing added dislike and anger to the attachment.
Dislike and anger do not undo emotional attachment. I was very attached to my mother for decades while disliking her and angry at her.
(Still in Spain): “It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot“- the boldfaced is more evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents.
(In Spain): “Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED… I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?“- maybe because you missed home, wanting to be with your parents (a strong emotional attachment).
In Poland: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother?… I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like: oh, she’s here again… I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“- this is how you felt from one point on, growing up with your mother: angry, chronically angry, trapped and angry, not wanting her around while still needing (a different version of) her.
Imagine an angry boy, an angry teenage Robi, waiting.. waiting for his real mother (a loving version of the mother you had) to replace the mother he didn’t like, the one he wanted gone. Imagine that boy still within you, waiting.
Imagine a boy who refuses growing up- becoming adult before he finally gets his real mother, so that he can finally have the free, un-trapped childhood he never had.
Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“- I think that the real, lasting New Beginning for you would be to grieve the mother you didn’t have, the father you didn’t have, and the childhood you didn’t have. So, to start a new chapter in the book telling your story, instead of waiting for the old chapter to be re-written.
Spain, May 19, 2024: “I still think we can be a family“, Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better“- this is the boy Robi hoping and waiting for the old chapter to be re-written (an impossibility).
Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world“- I think that this part of you is Robi-the-boy who is waiting for a re-do, a child not ready to meet an adult world. Can a different part of you, Robi-the-adult, take his hand and walk him step by step toward a lasting exit from the old chapter?
anita
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