Dear Seaturtle:

I was so happy to see that you posted (following my last post to you this evening, about half an hour ago) that I exclaimed out loud something like: Ahh!

I will reply to your post above and to what you may post later tonight on Wed morning. .. oh, I just got your most recent post that you posted just now, “calm enough to wind down” reads good enough to me, Good, vibrationally restful might, precious, special Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

When you offered her to have the space that she appeared to need, it was a good idea in theory. But in practice, it was not a good idea because it’s been too difficult on your end. In your most recent post of a few minutes ago, you again think in-theory (“eventually, if I see.. then…“), but in practice, eventually is excruciating.

I don’t want you to suffer, and I never met you. I wonder if she is wondering how you are feeling, whether you  are suffering or not. Shouldn’t she wonder…?

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

“I don’t know a great deal about this sort of thing, but probably am the latter. It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship. Truth be told I have gone through many instances where internally and privately I have felt this fear of abandonment in our relationship… I know it’s something I need to work on“-

– you can learn about you attachment style from books such as Attached and Master Your Attachment Style, as well as from workbooks such as The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools To Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, And Build Lasting Relationships, and Soothe your Attachment Wounds self help workbook.

“I am worried that she is staying away specifically from me“- In the realm of possibilities, it is unfortunately possible (I have no reason to think that this is the case here) that rather than her fitting The Avoidant Attachment Style, she fits (and I am making up the term here) The Breakup Confrontational Avoidant Style. Many people, when breaking up with a partner, instead of doing it directly, which they perceive to be a confrontation, something unpleasant, they go about it indirectly, disappearing from the person’s life and hoping that the message will sink in over time.

I hate to bring this possibility up but it’s not like this is a new possibility in your mind. You’re already worried about it. Since you’ve known her for a while, is she a confrontational avoidant person in the context of her work, family, friends…?

anita

Dear noname:

A bit of nostalgia perhaps: exactly five years before your yesterday’s post (Jan 8, 2024), you wrote: “I’m so lost right now, I want some relief but can’t find it anywhere. My initial reaction to this is that I need closer connections with people. It seems ill start to get close with someone and then it fades. Ultimately I don’t think I require much to be content, just 10mins a day of someone’s undivided attention would probably do, I just don’t know how to make that happen” (Jan 8, 2019).

How do you feel about what you wrote back then then?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

It is a good thing that you have social support irl.

I was wondering but didn’t ask you before in regard to this part of what you shared in your original post: “We had a fight and I kind of exploded because I was bottling up so many stuff“- what did you say to her/ what did you do during that kind-of- explosion?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“yesterday my brother told me that he texted N!… he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last Thursday, he found himself ‘feeling bad for n.‘”-

– this energy and emotional instability and dysfunction is the results of a sacral and heart chakras going wild without the wise supervision and input by the crown chakra. It is important for you, for me, for everyone to not let this happen.

“Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy.. I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset“-

– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.

Perhaps The Third Eye Chakra can come to the rescue when this false belief is triggered. This chakra is “concerned with inner vision, intuition and wisdom… A balanced third eye chakra allows for heightened intuition, clarity of thoughts and perceptions” (zen lama. com). The title of your thread is about needing a vibrating 3rd eye chakra: “Telling the difference between gut (intuition) and fear in relationships”.

Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.

“Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere… this lie flooded my head…”-the symptoms of a blocked 3rd eye.

Once you SEE N with your 3rd eye, you will have a balanced vision of him: a physically attractive man if your 3rd eye is open. Coming to think about it, it’s a relief to have a 3rd option/ Eye to use so to see the bigger picture, the truth.

“I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain”- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.

“What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking?”- yes, he was.

“or that he literally was lying to himself”- no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).

“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”

“My mom…  started telling me ‘well maybe you will still end up together.. you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..’ all tells me my mom has no idea”- her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.

“my closest friend… often talks over me..  My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known each  other almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now“- to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.

“This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. The fly out with the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt”-

– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.

“Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting… Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom”- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man early…

“This brought me a lot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.

I want to research cannabis use disorder and vaping as it may apply to N before I respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post next.

anita

Dear Justaguy03:

“My deepest sense is that she is emotionally overwhelmed and no longer possesses the emotional energy to maintain a relationship with me at the moment“- I think that you are correct, and overall, I am impressed with what I perceive to be your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.

I am also aware of how very intense and .. well, from my experience, sickening a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. Not saying that this is true to her.

“if I just wait it out in the background and give her gentle reminders of love and support here and there that we can get through this. Isn’t that what a relationship is about? Sticking together during the lowest of the lows“- yes, it is. What was the agreement between the two of you in regard to the nature of and length of this break/ space?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back Tues morning, which is in about 13 hours from now (here, U.S.).

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

“how do you support and care for someone who is trying to push you away without losing them whilst at the same time managing your own mental well-being?“- my answer: since she is an adult, and one to whom you are not married, and with whom you do not share children, once she pushes you away… you stay away. You stay away and accept that it might be a permanent break, an ending to the relationship.

There is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is about aiming at completely accepting reality, not struggling or resisting it at all.

The Serenity Prayer states: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“- you can’t change the fact that her mother has a serious illness nor can you change any of her family history and current family circumstances. You can’t change how she feels about her family, can’t change her depression and her choice to take a break from you. So better accept (radically accept it) all that you cannot change with as much serenity as is possible for you.

“And the second being: am I validated to be feeling this mix of negative emotions myself? I feel selfish and guilty because she is the one who is really going through a hard time, but in the last week, my mind has been racing with a hundred different thoughts and emotions“-

– every one of your emotions carries a valid message, and none of us is guilty for feeling whatever it is that we feel. We are not good people because we feel a certain way, and bad people if we feel a different way. It is our conscious choices of speech and action that make us good or bad.

She is going through a hard time and so are you. You are emotionally attached to her and you want to be with her. Try to have empathy for yourself instead of judgment. Feel the pain of being away from her and endure it, then repeatedly try to … radically accept the situation as it is.

And please post again, maybe a conversation here can help…?

anita