Dear t:

You are welcome! “Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things“- it is as if I am reading about my mother and myself, same thing. What a coincidence.

“My boyfriend… is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge… he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster…“- it will take a combination of him being considerate of what puts you on edge and you healing from your childhood experience with your mother. Without dedication to healing on your part, no matter how hard he tries and for how long, it will not be enough.

“Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with… I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.“- did you ever attend therapy? If so, what was the experience like?

anita

Dear antarkala:

Still trying to answer your question from yesterday (“Why does he want me sooooo badly?“), in connection to his childhood. I re-read some of what you shared in this thread.

March 26: “My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family“- growing up, your boyfriend did not have a strong male father figure in his life.

Growing up, you took on the role of a strong father male figure. I wrote to you back on March 27: “seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family… for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, (you) took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way“.

(In regard to walking in a manly way, I was referring to what you shared: “My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“).

On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“.

My response to the quote right above was: “what this is telling me is that you need to..  finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax“.

In your reply to the above, on March 30, you posted: “‘Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax’ – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from“.

It seems to me that his attraction to you may have to do with your appearance of male strength, such that he didn’t have growing up, a role you took on when you were growing up. But it’s only a role. You need a partner who will appear or actualize male strength, hence your dissatisfaction with him.

In your very first post, on March 23, you wrote: “we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“. In your most recent post on July 29, you wrote: “since the beginning of the relationship whenever we catch up I am always telling her ‘there is something missing and the reason is him and it bothers me that he does not fight back or puts up with it’”- the missing-something may be the missing appearance or actualizing of male strength on his part.

You need him to be the strong male figure so that you can abandon your strong-male-figure role and relax into a female role, while he needs you.. to continue your strong-male role?

* When I mention male and female in this post, I am referring to masculine and feminine energies that exist in both genders.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome! “I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels“- your next relationship should be with a woman who shares your relationship goals, and that’s not her.

“For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment“- my tattoo-commentary: where you put it (location) is very important. The other day, in a belly dancing/ Hafla event, the event planner (she is maybe 60) was dressed in a beautiful red costume that went so well with a large red flower tattoo on her back and up her left shoulder. It looked elegant on her. Years ago, I saw a large man in a swimming pool with a tattoo of a naked woman across his belly and up to his chest, not a good location.

“It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away“- I would get a haircut and throw some things away, if I was you, and rethink the tattoo and pet adoption in a few weeks or a month from now.

anita

Dear antarkala: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Clara:

“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-

– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?

“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.

“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?

anita

Dear t:

“This is my first relationship… With him, I feel generally stable and normal… When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public, things like that… I’m not sure that either of us understand what actually is making me feel this way“-

– it is possible that your emotional attachment to your first boyfriend triggered a painful experience you had in the past, in context of a relationship with a parent, a parent (or a parent figure) who either abandoned you, or mistreated you otherwise?

When a child’s emotional attachment to the parent is somehow ignored or betrayed, it’s a painful experience that tends to awaken in the context of another type of emotional attachment in adulthood: the attachment to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend.

Do you think that this is a possible explanation to how you feel?

“We have had some conversations about this with him promising to try to improve“- he promised to improve in how often he texts you, how long he stays with you on the phone, how often he meets with you, things like that?

“How can I better manage this?“- I think that it will take understanding the reasons behind your emotional experience with him and then, exercise emotion regulation.

anita

Dear Zenith:

When you miss India too much, remember the mix factor. It will give you the mental space to appreciate the positives where you are now!

anita