Dear Famo:

I had a moment of recognition when I saw the photo above your screen name, and it may be that  you are using the same screen name as before..? It seems like we communicated before, but under a different account (when I click on your screen name, I don’t get your previous threads). Can you give me a link to our past communication, or tell me the month and year we talked last, and the title of the thread?

Thank you for your appreciation and sentiment!

“For about 20 days now, he has been saying that he is not feeling well and cannot keep up social relations with anyone, and this has triggered me. 1. I feel that this is the beginning of my being ignored in the relationship. 2. I feel that his friends and I are on the same level for him, and I don’t have a special place because when he said ‘no one,’ I was also included among ‘everyone.’… I remember being told by him that I’m too sensitive and that he can’t talk to me without second-guessing everything“-

– he told you that he is not feeling well. Your focus, in the quote above, was not on him not feeling well (what causes him to not feel well, when did it start, what are his symptoms, etc.). Your focus instead was on your fear of being ignored by him, and on his use of the word “anyone”, or “no one” or “everyone” to mean that you are not special to him, that you are not more important to him than other people.

Seems to me that you exhibit (many people do) The Anxious Attachment Style where you fear abandonment, and are focused on possible pieces of evidence that indicate that he is about to abandon you/ end the relationship.

If you complained to him in the past about his use of this or that word to mean more than what it meant (i.e., that he doesn’t think you are special), that would make a person second guess himself, being afraid to say the “wrong” word: the word that will trigger and upset you.

“He doesn’t share his problems with me… many times at work that he randomly shares information about his personal life and family with colleagues. I wonder why I should learn these things at work from him telling others, and not directly from him… he thought he could joke and mess around with me like with other workmates (at work), but I’m not the type to enjoy joking around“- You expressed to him that you don’t like his joking around. In other words, you rejected his expression of himself (his sense of humor) while other co-workers, I imagine, accepted and approved of his sense of humor. No wonder he feels comfortable expressing more of himself with his co-workers.

“When I ask him what’s up, he always answers with ‘nothing!‘”- this is congruent with him secondguessing himself, afraid to say something that will trigger you.

“I see myself as a thoughtful and careful person when he talks to me. I try to listen more than talk every time“- except when you get triggered?

“being ignored… I feel that… I don’t have a special place…I feel unimportant and stressed… feeling neglected in this situation“- you wrote this in regard to your relationship, but does this fit with how you felt as a child?

The above quote fits with my experience as a child: I felt painfully un-special. Other children (and adults) were getting positive attention while I was ignored and neglected. Fast forward, as a teenager and adult, I was very sensitive to any sign that I was ignored and un-special to people: words they said or didn’t say, expressions on their faces when talking to me vs talking to others, etc. Etc., often feel triggered, hurt, envious, and angry.

anita

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome and thank you for your kindness and appreciation of me and your other responders!

“It is not an easy task for me to open up… I shared few other things with my brother today and I cried during the whole conversation. I am thankful to him he patiently listened to me. I plan to gradually share  my whole story  with him. Never thought opening up would be that difficult“- healing is in sharing with/ opening up to people who will listen to you patiently and respectfully. It will get easier with practice, you will see!

“I have started  practicing meditation in the morning. It has helped me a bit“- any bit of help is a good thing.

Good reading back from you and hoping to read more. If it helps you to post here, please do, anytime you feel like it.

anita

How are you, Robi?

anita

How are you, anonymous?

anita

* I am adding this note a few hours after I started this reply: this is a long post that may be difficult to read. In this post, I express my understanding of your situation. Please read patiently, taking breaks where you need. Accept the parts of my understanding that feel to be true to you, and reject the parts that don’t. If you feel distressed as a result of reading, feel free to stop reading at any time:

Dear Harry:

You are welcome. I re-read your previous posts and part of the two recent posts. In this reply I will quote from your recent posts but my understanding is based on your five posts in this thread.

“I do, however, keep facing extremely conflicting thoughts. One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her“- I have a sense of the boy that you were growing up, naturally feeling very attached to a parent, or parents, trusting the parent, but then somehow betrayed (your trust violated) by the parent. And then feeling guilty about it, as if it was your fault that the parent violated your trust.

When I say betrayed, I don’t mean necessarily having been betrayed in ways that seem terrible from an adult point of view (POV), such as being severely beaten or left to starve. I mean betrayed in ways that feel terrible from a child’s POV.

I will give you an example of betrayal from my childhood that may not feel terrible from an adult POV (in comparison to being severely beaten, etc.), but it felt terrible from my POV as a child: when having guests over, my mother was oh, so very nice to the guests, including guests who were children, asking them questions about what they think, what they feel, and listening to their answers empathetically (or so it seemed), but she didn’t listen to me! (the exclamation mark indicates my anger still!). She never asked me questions about what In feel, what I think, what I want! (angry still…). It was as if I didn’t matter while other people mattered! (Angry indeed, still).

Back to you: “One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her“- When significantly hurt/ conflicted in childhood, we keep re-living the same conflicted emotional experience of childhood, in the context of adult circumstances.

The quote above describes a conflicted emotional state: (1) you love/ feel attached to her, just like you felt for a parent (minus the sexual factor), (2) you feel hurt by and angry at her because you expect her to betray you like your parent did, (3) you feel guilty: angry at yourself for causing her expected future betrayal/ for deserving it.

The boy (Harry) is now an adult and attachment to people is understandably conflicted: when you feel attached to a woman, you also experience (sooner or later) a mix of emotions: love, hurt, anger and guilt. The love is natural; the hurt, anger and guilt are your emotional reactions to the act of betrayal in childhood that was inflicted on you.

“The thought of her with anyone else is horrible but then I feel like she deserves better than this“- the thought of her with anyone else feels horrible because you feel (from time to time) very attached to her. Feeling she deserves a better man is about the guilt in childhood re-awakening: the feeling, as a child, that you deserved the betrayal, that if you were a good boy, it wouldn’t have happened.

“She leaves soon and I’m getting more and more scared of when she does“- scared of how you felt as a child when the object of your attachment (a parent) left you, physically or emotionally..?

“When I’m with her I feel amazing, I don’t want to leave. Once I go home I begin to worry“- when you are with her, you forget to worry. When you are physically away from her, you worry.

“I trust her 100%“- sometimes you trust her 100%; at other times you trust her less, way less.

“I stupidly told her I loved her when I was with her 2 weeks ago“- stupidly because telling her that you love her = giving her the power to hurt/ betray you..?

“I felt it completely at the time and I cried when she said it back after a bit of a pause“- the pause was a problem for you, as in, why did she pause, perhaps she didn’t mean it?

“The last 2 girls I’ve been with have said it to me and didn’t mean it, and to be honest I don’t even know if this girl did“- I wrote the above before reading this sentence. So, yes, there is suspicion/ distrust, such that was born in childhood and extends into adulthood.

“I’m constantly doubting myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me“- when I was conflicted and didn’t understand why, I was confused on top of conflicted, and felt that there was something very wrong with me.

“This girl is everything I’ve dreamed of. Literally“- but she represents someone who really did hurt you long ago.

“I know that if I end our relationship I’m going to be heartbroken over it even though it’s my decision. I can’t win either way“- conflicted and confused, attached to her on one hand, scared of her betraying you, on the other hand. If you end the relationship, you prevent betrayal. If you continue the relationship, you risk betrayal. A pickle indeed.

“I don’t know if this is relevant but I find myself watching adult videos of girls cheating on their boyfriends (made up for the scene of course) and after think to myself ‘what am I doing’. The thought of someone doing that to me is horrifying yet I find something arousing about it?“- the idea of betrayal is horrifying to  you, on one hand, but it arouses/ thrills you, on the other.. similar to many people watching horror movies: horrified and thrilled at the same time. Similar to people who are horrified of heights, yet are thrilled to climb mountains. Obviously, there is a connection in the brain between Fear and Thrill. Nothing peculiar to you.

“I do the same with my family and barely contact them if I’m not with them. When I am with them, it feels like they were never gone in the first place“- the family of origin = the origin of the conflict/ the distressing, confusing mix of attachment and distrust.

“I would also add that this happens with everyone. My previous relationships I’ve doubted things when I’ve not been with them“- the mix of attachment and distrust with family extends to women in the adult context.

“I’m also extremely impulsive and don’t tend to think in advance“- the more you understand yourself, the less conflicted and confused you will be, and the less impulsive you will be.

Being impulsive may be a result of being confused, as in: what’s the point of thinking in advance, when your thinking failed you so far (failed you because it didn’t result in understanding why you feel and act the ways you do).

“I know relationships and love aren’t perfect, but this just worries me. I miss feeling how I felt before I slept with the girl from work“- once you understand yourself better, you will trust your thinking and take the time and space to consider consequences  before you act. You will then forgive yourself for the impulsivity with the girl at work. You will place those events in the past, where they belong.

“I seem to have a habit of being really into something for a few months and then losing interest. I’m not sure if this will just keep happening again and again until I’m old and alone.“- understanding, really understanding cognitively and emotionally, will put an end to this pattern. Direct a source of light (cognitive and emotional understanding) into this pattern, and it will change.

In what I shared with you earlier in this post, you can see how hurt and angry I still am, decades after (betrayals of childhood do not get resolved by the passage of time alone). This indicates how much power is carried by “little” and big betrayals of childhood. Those betrayals still hurt, still make me angry, but I am no longer consumed by hurt and anger. I am no longer confused, no longer conflicted. I no longer feel guilty about my mother’s behaviors, and I no longer repeat certain patterns.

This can happen for you too as you shine light into what’s in the dark.

anita

Dear Zenith: I was wrong to think you might be back to the U.S., it’s a 2-month visit to India, so not back before August. How’s your stay with your mother and sister?

anita

Hey Zenith, good to read back from you. I am okay. Are you back in the U.S.?

anita