Dear Seaturtle:

You are welcome! I just returned from a 3.5 mile walk with freezing hands and was excited to see your post, and that it starts positive.

“As far as chakras go, personally I am not sure whether they are physically real or more of a metaphor that helps us to understand our multi-faceted human selves“- exactly my understanding: it’s a useful metaphor that helps us understand how we operate and function. I am glad you re-introduced it to me as I find it very useful, thank you!

“I am curious enough about them to discuss it, I don’t want to get too abstract though, because ironically my aura color, an abstract concept, says I am likely to be abstract and need to practice grounding, which feels true to me. I feel like what I just said was confusing“- confusing only to those with a low vibrational IQ (a chakra-snob emoji)

“but where I am coming from is that I don’t want you to only speak in terms of chakras for me, because I understand your skepticism and I feel the same way“- I still feel it’s an excellent metaphor and I like using it. Is it okay with you if I use it in your thread as a metaphor?

“I remember feeling this way, that if we were in end times of war, or going through some natural disaster, that N would be the perfect partner… He would say he didn’t find conversation to be a bonding activity, he wanted to do or build something together. I can agree that accomplishing a task together is bonding, but I needed him to be able to get there with me through conversation but he was incapable. The funny thing is I recently thought of this, if we entered war times I would really want him by my side… I think? He is a good partner to have in survival mode, but not much further up Maslow’s pyramid”-

– (1)  N is mostly about satisfying Physiological needs and Safety and Security needs (at the bottom of the pyramid). He teflons the top of the pyramid, the Self actualization needs part, while frustrating your Love and Belonging needs as well as your Self-Esteem needs. At end times, when nothing matters but  the bottom two parts of the pyramid, N would be a fine and dandy partner.

(2) He didn’t find conversation a bonding activity means that he finds conversation undesirable or boring or threatening. Humans have to talk and bond through talking if we are to self actualize aka keep our crown chakras awake and awakening!

“What is also interesting is I began to feel like he wanted these obstacles to happen… So he would put us in risky situations! wow.. like the road trip that bonded us…  my desire to just sit and have deep intelligent and intimate conversation, he thought it was pointless, he would rather be faced with danger together.. Which! is interesting because I feel like if you are dealing with issues in survival mode, you can’t also be self actualizing and evolving. Wow I am putting things into words right now that I have felt a long time…   I felt he began to resent me for not being in survival mode with him, in fact he even told me before that he felt like he was stuck in survival mode for us and I was living in a ‘la la land’…he was holding me back.. because he was trying to. He literally made me doubt myself so much! He made me doubt my process of introspection and self actualizing“- amazing crown chakra vibrations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine that deep, intimate conversations are more scary, in his mind and heart, than real-life danger!

“and this is where he didn’t SEE me! I so desperately wanted him to see that I was working hard too, all this internal work that I was doing, and him saying ‘you worry about things that don’t matter’ literally was him telling me he did not see me… He made me believe he believed in me and I didn’t, I was the problem. I am so happy I got out of there”- YES, I am also happy that you got out of there!!!

“Anita, I am excited for you to read this very important post where I was able to put so many thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past two years, into words. Vibrating Seaturtle“- your post made my New Year Day, W.O.W !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anita

Firewerk here, 12:04 m, 1:o4 am where you are, it is really 2024, Happy New Year, Seaturtle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am quite tired, so I will reply differently in this post:

“I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways“- you and I can change; he can’t or won’t because of his Teflon MO. You and I are interested in looking inward, he is not. You and I consider ideas and possibilities even if it’s difficult, he automatically deflects what is inconvenient for him to consider.

“I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?“- you brought them up and although I have read about them before and rejected what I read, you had this effect on me that I wanted to be open-minded and revisit the topic without prejudgment.

“I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck… we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope”-

– the two of you united against a common, 3rd party/ outside obstacle. Without an outside obstacle to unite you, the inner obstacles (his Teflon MO vs your open crown chakra) come into play. It is similar to a nation at war: citizens who were divided during peace-time get temporarily united during war.

I wrote above temporarily united. When the outside obstacle relaxes, the pre-existing conflict and turmoil resume.

“It is interesting you phrase it this way ‘I am addressing your crown chakra,’ I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you“- worthy to copy and paste, thank you for this!!! (a crown chakra vibrating emoji)

“I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night. Happy New Year’s Eve Anita“-

– an excellent resolution for the new year for the two of us perhaps: awakened and awakening crown chakras!

Happy New ear Eve to you and to Hatchling: she is fortunate to have you with her, for her!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

First, I will respond to your high vibrational (hv) post of Sat morning and then to your low vibrational (lv) post of Sat night.

“when I see that face of ‘searching for what to say,’ to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is“- this is your hv intelligence. I’ll refer to it as HVI.

“I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone“- When you are about to fall asleep, your crown chakra (which in the morning produces HVI) becomes quieter and quieter, producing lower and lower vibrational intelligence (LVI).

In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.

“I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship…  But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart“- I predict that he will end up in a superficial relationship, but not that the result of such future relationship will be a hole in his heart. It’s the other way around: the result of a preexisting hole in his heart (one created during his childhood) is his inability and/ or unwillingness to engage in a deep relationship.

“He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)“- (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.

(2) it is unhealthy and unreasonable to feel shame for any emotion you happen to feel. There is always something good underneath any feeling. Discover what it is, and you will understand and feel empathy for yourself for feeling whatever unpleasant or disagreeable emotion that happens to move through you. In this case, what I see underneath your fear that he will change for another woman when he didn’t change for you- is your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.

In regard to the song, you wrote that you agree with my interpretation that you wanted to find a deeper connection with N, wanting him to SEE the missing part of you, but he refused. You explained the line I didn’t understand, your favorite line: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- I interpret it further this way: when your crown chakra is overpowered by your heart and sacral chakras, and about to do something that will harm you, Seaturtle’s HVI (open and hv crown chakra) will come to the rescue, and you will do what’s right and helpful for you!

“I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you.. It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight!“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.

“I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here“- a definite high-vibrational ending of this post of Saturday morning!

And now, to your Saturday night post:

“Hi Anita, I wanted to write a journal entry while I am feeling sad… Right now it is 10pm where I am and I’m just having flashes of the good memories with N. It is the time I want to check on him and reach out“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!

“It is also the time I ache when I think of him with someone else. But what hurts more is imagining that he will find someone else shallow like him and think that all along I was in the wrong and did too many things based on feelings. That he will end up with someone who like him, makes fun of ‘over feeling’ aka another Teflon“- it is very likely that he will be as superficial with the next woman as he has been with you (that he will adjust to her at the most, but he will not change, as I suggested above), but it is not likely that he will end up with another Teflon. What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.

“It hurts to think of him loving someone else. I know in this moment we are both in pain and that future is far away and not helpful to think about but just like the good memories, they seem to appear in my mind uninvited“- like I said above, heart and sacral chakras are vibrating…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“Tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve, a night I spent with N two years in a row. They were fun memorable nights and even writing this is making me feel the emotion of a deep sadness of missing it. I know it is normal, but that doesn’t bring me much comfort right now“-

– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.

“I thought about spending the night alone but my roommate invited to me go out to a block party, and she bought me a ticket which was really sweet! …  Part of me wants to stay home and sleep, another part thinks I should spend the time with my friends so that I am not home feeling worse, but like I said going out with them it is implied to drink, be social and stay up late, all things I don’t really want to do but it sounds more fun than being alone on the holiday and fighting memories or the idea that N is out having a new years kiss (shuddering eyes emoji) I feel very uncomfortable, like the actual feeling that is the opposite of comfort. The opposite of N being a phone call away from laying with me on the couch and feeling safe… I am hoping for a very restful sleep tonight with positive dreams if any, and wisdom in the morning.”

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.

Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.

Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?

anita

Dear Jade:

The key sentence in your 2nd post is this: “I feel so threatened, emotionally and feel really unsafe“- indeed you are emotionally unsafe in your mother’s home.

“I feel gaslighted and like my feelings have not been considered”- I agree with both:  you really are being gaslit by your mother, and your feelings are not even acknowledged, as if your feelings are not of any value to your own mother, sadly.

“My mum had me at a really young so wasn’t really emotionally available when I was a child“- she is no longer young, and she is still emotionally unavailable to you.

“All I want to do is run away from this and cut them off‘- it’s the right and natural thing to do when you are threatened.

“I really fear that I will push everyone away“- it’s your mother and her husband who push you away, not the other way around.

“I feel as if I have nobody that I can trust and turn to anymore and feel like everyone is against me. I’m really fed up of being so miserable“- being miserable does not have to be a life sentence for you. You’ll need to move out from your mother’s home sooner than later and never move back in again, and then have no contact with her and with anyone who actively threatens your mental health.

First, move away from danger and then take one step at a time toward a life of personal and social contentment. I would like to communicate with you further and support you emotionally in the context of your thread, as you move farther and farther away from misery, if you would like that and for as long as you do.

anita

Dear Stacy:

“I appreciate your curiosity in trying to better understand me“- I appreciate your appreciation of me, thank you!

I read your most recent post, and in this reply, I will tell you what I understand about you, and you can let me know what you think of my understanding:

You are a very intelligent, well spoken, patient, kind and gracious young woman who is absent from her own awareness.  It is as if you are not a factor in your own mind and life. As if you didn’t yet take center stage where a person belongs in one’s own life, as if you are sitting in the audience. And who is on the stage where you belong? This guy, just a guy (not a national or religious leader that lots of people focus on).

Sept 6, 2023, you started your thread with: “Hi, everyone. My boyfriend who I met on Hinge”, and you continued: “HE asked me… he… him… He..”. Fast forward 3 months and 23 days (yesterday, Dec 29) and: “He joked about… he asked me.. He had trouble… He was reluctant… then he goes into detail.. He told me… he scoffed and said”, etc.

On Sept 10, I wrote to you: “You’ve been giving him too much power over how you feel about yourself, power he didn’t earn and does not deserve: WHO is he to determine your worth?… What did he DO to have this power to determine your worth..? He is just a guy you knew nothing about a year ago. It doesn’t really matter what he thinks, what he meant when he said this or that.. except that it matters to you because you give him power that he does not deserve“.

Eight pages later, I think and feel the same as I did in the above quote.

Limerence: “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship” (online dictionary).

“Limerence is a term that describes an infatuation or obsession with another person. It stems from romantic attraction that involuntarily develops into obsessive thoughts. You might feel unable to stop thinking about that person, spending much of your time in thoughts, fantasies, and ruminations that center around that person… Replay and rehearsal involves obsessive thinking about interactions you have had, or wish to have, with the love object… the love object is the main focus of your attention” (psych central/ ocd and obsessive thoughts about another person)

“Limerence is the desire to be desired… The experience of limerence can include… an irrationally positive evaluation of that person’s attributes… Limerence has also been tied to trauma. Early childhood abandonment or neglect may correlate to the likelihood of experiencing limerence, and it has been associated with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder (psychology today).

I don’t think we discussed limerence before (I just went through your 8-page thread and saw no mention of it), but it fits, doesn’t it?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I wish you safe travels back home today, this Friday afternoon, and I am looking forward to read from you by tomorrow (or the next day, whenever it’s the right time for you). I missed you here, Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Shepard Moan:

This is okay. Maybe you only thought that you were controlling (which sounds negative, to be controlling), while you were just trying to be heard, to make him understand (while he was not interested in understanding you)?

I’ll be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

anita