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anitaParticipantDear Louise: about your most recent post: think short-term. You need help now. Think about staying with him for just as long as you need to. Not for any particular length of time, and definitely not forever. Or, if you can get support elsewhere, somewhere warm, that can work too, maybe better. What is certain is that you need not be alone at this time. It needs to be someone safe for you, safe and supportive, whomever/ wherever it may be.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. Yes, I think that you should call your ex-boyfriend and take him on his offer. You are a good person, Louise, I can tell (and I have no doubt that your ex knows it!) , and you deserve help.
As tired as I am, I will next go for a 30 min walk in the light rain and back to the computer. Please feel free to post here as often and for as long as you need. I am here for you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here, but I slept so little and so poorly last night that my thinking is very slow and getting slower). But for now, regarding “It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do“- call a friend now, be it very early morning where you are at, call the man you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Let him help you, have you in his home for some time, as a friend. You need help/ social support. Can you do that, call him, that is?
anita
November 13, 2024 at 1:11 pm in reply to: I am having guilt-related familial issues with a guy I’m about to date #439339anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
“My aunt has done EVERYTHING for me, from spending thousands of dollars on me to fighting tooth and nail to defend me. She’s been there my entire life, and I seriously admire and respect her… I’m incredibly loyal to my family, more than anything else… It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face.. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that“- if I was you, Lulu, given the quote here, I too would do everything I could to be worthy of my aunt’s love and trust.
I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise:
As I read your posts, I had this image of a girl running away from home.
“we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection“- emotionally, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter“- physically, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home“- emotionally, you ran away with another man.
“Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling.. and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base“- more physical running away, only this time with no home to return to.
“Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless… I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- generally, a child/ teenager who imagines running away from home (a place where there’s ongoing, unresolved conflict, maybe abuse, a place where he/ she feels constrained, bored and misunderstood), sometimes develops a romanticized view of running away from home, seeing it as an adventure or a path to freedom. They imagine life on the streets as exciting and free from rules, where no one can tell them what to do. This idealized view- and euphoric feelings involved- often overlooks the harsh realities, such as the dangers, hunger, and cold they might face.
Faced with dangers, hunger, cold, they may return home and feel a combination of emotions among which is Relief (a sense of safety and comfort in being back in a familiar environment) and Guilt (Feeling ashamed for having run away and the worry they caused their loved ones).
In your case (and I understand that you are an adult), you had no home to return to, so no Relief. No Relief => feeling terrible, distraught… completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy.
“I just want to be back home… I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life… Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now… The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way… I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored“- seems to me (and please correct me if I am wrong), that growing up in your original home was a mix bag of Comfort and Conflict. There were long periods of time when you felt trapped and bored at home, yearning for freedom and excitement. Fast forward, as most often is the case, distressing childhood experience is re-experienced in adulthood.
If I am correct, your childhood/ growing up experience of conflict, entrapment and boredom needs to be addressed and processed. I hope to read your response to my thoughts and to communicate further.
anita
November 12, 2024 at 7:55 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #439306anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“I miss you both and wish there was a way I could text you guys more frequently with less depth“- at one point I offered you to communicate with me privately (email, phone), but you rejected my offer, saying maybe at another time.
I hope you find the time to respond further. Hope you are well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Louise: I hope that soon you will no longer feel lost. I will reply further Wed morning (Tues evening here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear David:
It’s good to read that you feel really happy and very excited and enthusiastic!
(I am adding the boldface to the following): “We both agreed that the love had never gone but I have to admit it made it so hard for her to love me when I had no love for myself at the time”-
– Both love and respect are crucial in a marriage. Love fosters a deep emotional bond and connection between partners, creating a sense of belonging and intimacy. It involves caring for each other’s well-being and supporting one another through life’s challenges.
Respect ensures that both partners feel valued and treated as equals, which is fundamental for a healthy relationship. It builds trust and a sense of safety, as both partners honor each other. Respectful communication helps in resolving conflicts constructively, without belittling or hurting each other.
In essence, love without respect can lead to a relationship where one or both partners feel undervalued and disrespected. Conversely, respect without love can make the relationship feel cold and distant. Ideally, a strong marriage should have a balance of both love and respect, as they complement and reinforce each other.
I am looking forward to your next update, Dave. Wishing you and your family well!
anita
anitaParticipantDear John:
“It’s very difficult to convey the complexity of one beliefs and understanding, in particular how they were arrived at, without a face to face back and forth; and even then we tend to interpret what others say, based on our own assumptions“- I agree.
“However, I will try“- and so will I.
“The only truth is ‘What is.’ I came to this conclusion after many years struggling with the question ‘What is truth?’… but every so often understanding comes from.. who knows where“-
– I will take a moment to listen to an answer to What is truth?, an answer from who knows where (I will type out whatever I hear).. it is not easy to do this, as I hear a voice saying: who do you think you are? some self-doubting, self-critical voice.. nonetheless:
– The truth is I love you.
I am pausing here: the above sounds like some religious sentiment, as in I am your god, and I love you (something I doubt)
Back to the question: what is truth?
Answer: what you want it to be (self-serving).
Ask again: what is truth?
Answer: Life is not worthwhile without Love.
This is it, got it. This is Truth. I have no doubt.
There are no following thoughts doubting, like what followed previous answers.
I wish I was a giant Being collecting all the lost loveless people into my arms. Oh.. I wish I was god, or said otherwise: a loving god is an image made up by humans yearning to be loved.
The Tragedy of human society is alienation, isolation, loneliness, pervasive suspiciousness, greed, unchecked desire for power-over, for dominance.
Am I getting carried away, John?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie:
A short walk on memory lane: the first time we communicated was in your first thread, on Feb 16, 2022, and the last time was on Aug 2, 2024. I think that the first time you mentioned your two sons was on Jan 5, 2023: “My son ended up in the hospital but is doing well now. He lives with his dad and brother. They are both older and in college“.
June 4, 2023 (9 months into your current, 2nd marriage): “I am planning on a second vacation with my 2 sons from my previous marriage. My sons are older. College age. They absolutely love my husband and he loves them“.
May 21, 2024: “My husband and I divorced 3 years ago. I am now re-married and my ex husband is re-married also“, Nov 10, 2024:
June 29, 2024: ” My sister n law invited me and my 2 grown boys who are 20 and 24 over to swim and to have a cook out a week ago… I had arrived with my youngest son and my oldest arrived a little later… Her sister’s bf started to be very obnoxious and loud. Lots of profanity… He directed that conversation to my youngest son who is 20… My son can’t stand this guy at all. ..My son mumbled f-you to the bf several times. I had told my son to be quiet, but he doesn’t care. He is like me in so many ways… My oldest son and youngest son had left because they had plans with their friends later on that day… For someone to tell me and my kids to f off, that’s telling my whole family to f off and I will never in my life forgive someone like that“.
My understanding: you have two boys from a long-term marriage (more than 20 years), divorced in 2020, and remarried in Sept 2023. You live with your current husband, and your two adult sons live/ lived with their father and his live- in fiancée. You are involved in their lives and seems like you are closer to your younger son (20) who takes after you standing up to offending people, as he took your side during that pool party. The two of you are protective of each other.
And now, to your current thread, which is about your younger son: when you got divorced from his father (2020), he “had a hard time dealing with the divorce to the point where he needed therapy. He even had thoughts of suicide“. You and his father helped him through that difficult time, and he adjusted to the divorce. At first, he lived with his father (and from one point on, with his father’s fiancée as well), and older brother, and currently, he lives in a dorm he shares with roommates while attending college.
“He and I are very close. Every week I take him to dinner and we talk about school and then go visit my parents or go do some shopping. He is very open about everything. He is also the type where he takes no crap from anyone and will tell you how it is. Two days ago… He said ‘mom…I will just tell you. I am bi… I think I like guys more. I didn’t get upset or angry at him. I said… awe honey… its ok. I just want you to be happy…. I dropped him off at his dorm and hugged him and told him I am always here for him and that I love him no matter what because he is my son. I came home and told my husband. I broke down and sobbed. ..It just hurts because his dad and I did not bring him up like this to be bi. I keep thinking that maybe this is just a phase since he is in college… Deep down I keep hoping that this is a phase, but I don’t know. I just feel so sad and I am struggling to come to terms with this.“-
– first, C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for putting your feelings aside and telling him just what he needed to hear: that you love him unconditionally. It seems to me that he’s been very open with you about everything, including about his sexual orientation because he trusted that you love him unconditionally. Reads to me that you have been a good, supportive and loving mother all along.
Here is what I read online (Copilot) in regard to the topics and concerns you brought up in this thread: “While some individuals may experience shifts in their attractions or identities, others may have a more consistent sexual orientation throughout their lives… Some studies have found that women may report more fluidity in their sexual orientation compared to men. However, this does not mean that all women will experience changes in their orientation, nor does it imply that men’s orientations are fixed…
“College may provide a more supportive environment for exploration, which can lead to changes in how individuals identify… Sexual orientation is generally considered to be a stable aspect of a person’s identity. While some individuals might explore and better understand their sexual orientation during college, it’s not common for someone to change their orientation after coming out as gay or bi… Everyone’s journey with their sexual orientation is unique. Some people might experience fluidity in their attractions over time, but this doesn’t mean their orientation changes fundamentally. It’s more about gaining a deeper understanding of oneself.
“When a son comes out as gay or bi, a mother’s response can significantly impact his emotional well-being and the strength of their relationship. Here are some supportive ways to respond: 1. Listen and Validate: Give him your full attention and listen without interrupting. Validate his feelings and experiences by acknowledging his courage in sharing this part of his identity.
“2. Express Love and Acceptance: Reassure him that your love and support are unconditional. Let him know that his sexual orientation does not change your feelings for him.
“3. Ask How You Can Support: Ask him how you can best support him during this time. This shows that you respect his needs and are willing to be there for him in the way he needs.
“4. Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about LGBTQ+ issues and experiences. This can help you better understand his perspective and provide informed support.
“5. Respect His Privacy: Allow him to decide who else to tell and when. Respect his privacy and avoid sharing his news with others without his consent.
“6. Be Patient: Understand that this might be a process for both of you. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your feelings and any questions you might have.
“7. Seek Support: If you need support or have questions, consider reaching out to LGBTQ+ support groups or resources. They can provide valuable information and a community of understanding.
“8. Celebrate His Authenticity: Celebrate his courage to be true to himself. Acknowledge the importance of living authentically and the strength it takes to come out”.
Is this helpful?
Back in March 7, 2022, you wrote: “I am an over thinker and think the worst“- remember that this is your tendency, and that therefore, when things appear to be bad, they are likely not as bad as you think and feel, and maybe not bad at all. Try to look at situations from different angles and see the bigger picture. For example, in this situation, because your son takes after you and stands up to offending people (the pool party situation), he is not likely to engage in an abusive relationship, be it with a man or a woman: this is an encouraging, promising angle, isn’t it?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shinnen/John:
You are welcome, and thank you for your reply. I need to have more time and focus to thoroughly read and reply, and so, I will be back to you tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear freddo:
Thank you for organizing your update so well, so it’s easy to read. Ex moved to France 5 years ago, the two of you get along so well, and you share custody of the kids- good thing that she didn’t go back to Argentina with your kids!
“The boys seem to be adjusting well to the situation. There’s a lot of trust and mutual respect between us”- Trust and mutual Respect.. these are major. I had experienced neither growing up.
“My ex met someone new, and I’m genuinely fine with it. Honestly, I’d rather see her happy here than feeling miserable and wanting to go back to Argentina“- On Oct 26, 2018, I wrote to you: “If she found an interest in a man in France, that would be best, if she switched her attachment from the man in Argentina to someone in France”, and it happened, good thing!
“Whenever I do have time, I spend it with my kids—and I’m not looking for anyone to come in and disrupt that“- I am handing you The Best Father Award.
“Ever since I was a child, and even as an adult, I’ve always wanted to run a free circus for underprivileged or troubled kids… I’ve traveled to Moldova, Romania, Poland, and Ukraine twice, and I just returned from Armenia. I’ve performed over 200 magic shows, bringing smiles and laughter to thousands of children… And it’s not easy because I have no support. I pay for all of my trips and take on my vocation. But it’s priceless“- this is amazing! I didn’t read this part until a few moments ago,
WOW !!!
“I used to think that letting go meant suppressing my feelings so they wouldn’t overwhelm me. But now, for me, letting go is like being in the ocean: rather than desperately trying to reach the shore, it’s about floating, gazing at the horizon, and trusting that, eventually, you’ll reach safer ground“- I am going to take this thought with me today wherever I go, and let it sink in, thank you!
“I hope my story can help anyone feeling low. I know that sometimes it feels like your world is shattering, but life is stronger, and so are we… believe it or not. -‘The best is yet to come!’ Love“- thank you for this uplifting update, freddo. Thank you for choosing ❤️ for your children, for their mother, for all the children you entertain!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Hello Clara in Bali, (who was) sitting in front of a rice paddy!
“Yes indeed I was attracted to her because of her independence as well… Somehow the table turned around and I become the needy one“- I guess it’s about striking a balance between Independence and Connection.
“Honestly, even I travel alone this time, my mind is still filled with memories of her“- evidence of the connection you felt/ feel to her. It is not easy to undo a connection. It’s normal to miss a person you were with for so long.
“I am hoping to mentally leave everything that happened behind in Bali, so that I can go back as a fresh person“- be patient with the process, one step, one day at a time.
“Re the cat, I may foster one first“- reads like a good idea to foster instead of adopting one, at this point.
Looking forward to your next update!
anita
anitaParticipantDear freddo:
Welcome back five years (in 20 days) since you last posted! I will read and reply Sat (it’s Fri afternoon here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Bozo:
I will repeat what you shared (some of your words are in boldface) and offer you my thoughts.
You shared that your husband is soft and kind to a fault–
– to a fault means that you find fault in him being too soft, too kind, that you perceive his kindness and softness, which are usually positive traits, as excessive, leading him, I figure, to not be assertive enough when the situation calls for it..?
* Excessive kindness and overly accommodating others, in some people’s minds (not in everyone’s mind), come off as lacking confidence, of being weak and submissive, especially when it comes to men whose traditional gender role/ societal role emphasizes traits like confidence, strength ad assertiveness.
You shared that you married your husband a few months ago. In the office building where you work there is a gorgeous guy to whom you are attracted and with whom you have some sort of chemistry. You are wondering, what if he’s a better match? for you, whether the two of you are soulmates.
“I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him“-
– the sparks you feel for this man, a man you haven’t been with yet, these sparks are driven by a change in the levels of chemicals produced in the brain (neurotransmitters): Dopamine levels increase, creating feelings of excitement and anticipation, making interactions with the person feel thrilling.
Norepinephrine levels increase as well, causing- when in the company of the object of attraction> it causes a rush of the hormone adrenaline, which increases heart-rate, cause sweaty palms, and the “butterflies in the stomach” sensation.
Serotonin (the “feel good” neurotransmitter) levels drop in the beginning of attraction, leading to feelings of anxiety , dissatisfaction, or general unhappiness when away from the object of attraction, causing one to focus on and obsessively think about the object of attraction, and when imagining being with him, or being physically close to him (although not with him, alone) there are feelings of euphoria and excitement.
Why do you feel this way (why this chemical cocktail) for this man (I’ll refer to him as M) but not for your husband (I’ll refer to him as H)?
(1) The Gorgeous Factor: you mentioned that M (not H) is gorgeous. I am guessing that in your perception, H is not gorgeous, at least, not close to how gorgeous M is. I figure that M’s physical looks was a trigger for the chemical cocktail mentioned above.
(2) The Mystery and Novelty Factor: the unknown can be incredibly alluring, leaving a lot to the imagination, which can heighten feelings of attraction. Some of the things that you experienced within H in real-life (examples, perhaps: how he smells when sweaty and in need for a shower, how he snores at times, if he does), you didn’t experience yet with M.
(3) Psychological Factors: M who you don’t know yet, a stranger in almost every way, represent something that you long for. Maybe you are usually slightly depressed, or bored, and M represents Excitement, something different than the ordinary.
Maybe m represents an idealized idea of a perfect match/ a soulmate, the one that is portrayed in fairy tales you may have grown up with, or in romance novels and movies: The One with whom you will always be happy (“and they lived happily ever after“).
Mabe something about the way he looks, moves, maybe his voice.. reminds you of someone you knew and admired as a child.
“(I) hate myself plenty… Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.“-
– Self hate will lead you in the wrong direction. Shift from a judgmental attitude toward yourself (judging yourself as selfish and hateworthy) to => => => an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Self-empathy will lead you in the right direction.
Before you make any real-life decision while under-the-influence of neurotransmitters and hormones, figure out what it is that draws you to M: what is it that he represents in your mind and heart?
Look within: what is the origin of your dissatisfaction in life, marital or otherwise: is it a lonely childhood/ a lonely adolescence which produced an early craving for a perfect/ idealized (and unrealistic) union with another person, a union where you will never again be alone..?
is it something else?
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.