Dear Aphroitte1:

I wanted to add that I am sorry for your recent losses, the loss of your grandad and his wife: “In December 2022, my grandad passed away due to a heart attack… In March 2023, his wife passed away due to cancer that manifested because of the sadness she carried for my grandad”.

It is difficult, in a way shocking, when people you knew your whole life are suddenly gone, no matter how old they are, isn’t it..

“This was the moment when I developed a fear of uncertainty in life, death, and panic that something bad would happen any moment to any of my close people. I became depressed, scared, and anxious all the time. (Don’t know how to solve this feeling, it eats me alive. I cannot enjoy anything in my life or be happy, I am constantly walking on eggshells)”-

– It is very difficult to be afraid on and on, so much of the time. I hope that you are feeling better, that you will be feeling better soon.

“I want to… Not to rethink everything for the 100th time. It kills me to be an overthinker, to have these thoughts and feelings.“-  Overthinking what scares us keeps the fear going.. and the fear keeps fueling overthinking, it’s a vicious cycle. Having a daily routine of aerobic exercise and a variety of mindfulness practices can help.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

You are very welcome! “I haven’t heard the term ‘Hatch’ before”- it’s not a term (lol), it’s short for hatchling which means a baby turtle, When I say Hatch, I am referring to your inner child, as in Sea turtle (your screen name) being the adult part of you, and Hatchling being the child-part of you.

“I do feel like I am split in two“- join the adult part and the child part and you will be united as one: never have Hatch too far from your awareness. She needs your attention on a regular basis.. just like a real-life child needs regular attention from a parent.

I wrote: “Hatch keeps seeing her father in men and.. she keeps running away, or wanting to run away (from her father)… seeing her father in N“, and your response: “Yes! I was doing this consciously… Exactly.. I am trying to overcome this association between N and my Father“.

I wrote: “Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between past and present, is still living in her father’s house, still distressed, still wanting to run away“, and your response: “Wow, this spoke deeply to me. Could this be why I feel so exhausted all the time?“-

– Yes, it’s exhausting to keep (preparing for) running away because the hormones released when your brain is preparing to run away (hormones that increase heart rate etc.) cause physical exhaustion.. without actually running.

“I agree with your assessment of his use of the word ‘excuse’ not being abusive…  It just makes Hatch angry/insecure…When triggered I still believe Hatch sometimes and simultaneously want to argue it, like my adult-self/ME is buried so deep I can barely hear her anymore”-

– back to the point of being split into two vs being united as one: neither part needs to be buried while the other takes over. The two parts need to hear each other. When you get triggered, Hatch gets to be heard and she says: I am angry! I feel insecure! The adult part then looks at N as the cause.. while he is not. Do believe Hatch… but know that Hatch feels the way she feels based on her life-experience way before N ever appeared in your life.

I suggested redirecting your anger to whom it belongs, and you responded: “visualizing my father and directing anger to him?“- I don’t know if you can do it on your own. I tend to think that you will need the professional help of a quality psychotherapist to redirect your anger and then resolve it. And I am not a psychotherapist.

“In the end I want to be able to get rid of that anger all together”- You are already trying to get rid of your anger by referring to it not as this anger, but as that anger, as in the anger over there.

“In the end I want to be able to get rid of that anger all together, rather than just redirect it. Is redirecting it first then I will need to resolve that with him?“-

– This anger, your anger needs to be heard before it’s resolved. Every emotion and physical sensation has a message: thirst= I need to drink; hunger= I need to eat, tired=I need to rest; scared=I need protection/ comfort; angry= I am being threatened and I am preparing to fight against the threat. Question is.. who and what is threatening you: is it N or is it your father? (Remember, for Hatch the Past is the Present; the Present is the Past).

I wrote that the adult part of you can make Hatch feel seen, and you responded: “This is freeing in a sense for sure. however there are people in my life who do make me feel seen, why is this? My mom, sisters and two close friends (sometimes random acquaintances) make me feel seen when I cannot see myself, is it wrong to want this from  a partner? Or is there a reason that I don’t feel seen by him as I do others?” (the boldface in this quote is your addition)-

– I assume (and correct me if I am wrong) that you don’t always feel seen by others and that when you don’t feel seen by them it doesn’t trigger/ distress you enough to notice or overthink it, but when you feel unseen by N, it triggers/ distresses you a lot because it awakens Hatch’s hurt and anger. Hatch is trying to resolve her UNSEEN experience through N, so she’s very sensitive to what he says, what he does..

“My heart can’t imagine not having contact, but I can’t tell if that’s cause I feel bad for him or myself. It gives me a big sense of loneliness to avoid him. What are some techniques to hear hatch?.. Do you know of techniques, a book..?” – there are plenty of books and workbooks about hearing and communicating with the inner child. The late John Bradshaw authored such books (Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing your Inner Child). There are other authors, plenty of literature on the topic, enter “healing the inner child” into a search engine and plenty will appear.

“Is Hatch ever able to have a sense of time, past versus present? Is the goal to raise hatchling into an adult as to be in one mind? Or are we meant to have these two parts of us..?“-

-Hatch will always be a hatchling, this is why every old person still feels like a child from time to time (exclaiming something like: I can’t believe I am this old?!). The goal is not to raise Hatch, as in to no longer have an inner-child, but to get along with her, to give her the empathetic attention that she needs. These two parts (adult and inner-child need to co-exist in harmony.

“and are there more than hatchling and adult?“- some authors added inner parent to the mix. I am good with inner child and adult (the adult should parent the inner child).

“Wow this makes me feel terrible that I did this to her. Does this make hatch angry? Is there a way to willingly bring her to such family events I don’t want to miss and will inevitably interact with my dad? This visual makes me want to care for her so badly”- these are questions to ask Hatch. I am glad you want to care for her!

“So if it is hatch that cannot distinguish where to direct her anger, Adult can help her?”- like any real-life child, Hatch is afraid to direct anger at her father, afraid of his anger in return, afraid of what (in her mind) this big, powerful man will do to her when angry. She wants to please him, so that he’d be nice to her.

The adult part of you needs to communicate to her that you (this big-enough, powerful-enough young woman) can handle her father’s anger, that you can and will protect her.

“I was proud of myself for ‘forgiving’ both of my parents, was this in fact not forgiveness and just telling Hatch to be quiet?“- if forgiving=telling Hatch to be quiet, then your forgiving efforts need to be adjusted/ postponed.

“One of the reasons I wanted to choose this ‘forgiveness’ is because I did not want to hold a grudge on my parents, I wanted to love them and feel loved by them”- understandable: love feels so much better than anger.

“Will directing this anger back to my dad make me resentful and harden my heart?“- it will do the opposite: it will soften your heart and release or resolve your existing anger. But, like I wrote earlier in this post, I tend to think that you will need the help of a quality professional therapist to do this.

It is easy to type the words “directing this anger back to my dad” (congrats for referring to your anger as this anger vs that anger!), but it is not at all easy to do, and if you rush to do it, unprepared, it can backfire and hurt you instead of helping you.

“I wonder the difference between parents just being human and then seriously messing up enough to deserve their child turning their back on them”- focus on what Hatch deserves.

You wrote earlier yesterday: “I deny my own trauma even now, I don’t believe it was as bad as I think it was.. I see people growing in way worse situations then me and think I was blessed, but then I self destruct in my relationship and have crippling anxiety and start to believe I did actually go through something difficult”-

– there is a saying, the proof is in the pudding, which to me means that if you exited your real-life childhood with crippling anxiety, and you self-destruct, then your childhood was not a blessing, but a bad enough situation, bad enough to not deny, but to address. It’s not only broken bones and physical starvation that constitute a bad or traumatic childhood.. children are so very sensitive, they can’t help it: a parent’s repeated uncontrolled anger- even it is expressed in facial features and tone of voice alone- is enough to traumatize a child.

“My partner has told me he admires how I forgive my parents and can have a friendship with them after all that has been done. He doesn’t understand why his sister of 32 years old won’t speak to her parents at all. She tells N they traumatized her in more ways than one.. I.. fear it will distance me from N because I think his hatchling is purposely kept at 5% volume level“-

– Focus on increasing the volume level of Hatch’s Voice: hear her words, listen to her; take her side no matter what, no matter if N or your father agree or disagree. If the price for you (the adult part) to  pay for getting close to .. you (the child part) is distancing yourself from N.. then it will be a price worth paying.

anita

Dear Teo Desin:

Having to decide what to study, and considering moving to a different city (if you chose medicine)  was such an extremely stressful emotional experience for you, so overwhelming, that you found yourself in “a state of depersonalization/ derealization“.

“Three years have passed since then but I still feel that i made the ‘wrong’ choice.“- three years have passed and you are still experiencing an elevated stress level

“So what are your thoughts on overcoming big life regrets and how one can become again the ‘Protagonist’ of his life if he feels the choice he made rendered him an ‘Extra‘”-  experiencing life as the central character in your life  vs being on the sidelines of your life, an extra character, requires first that you lower your stress level and keep it manageable. Having a daily routine and structure in your daily life is part of it. Aerobic daily exercise is very helpful. Online guided meditations and other Mindfulness practices can help a lot. So can quality psychotherapy.

I hope to receive your response to my reply and hope to communicate with you further.

anita

Dear Aphroitte1:

Welcome back to the forums!

Your first thread is from Jan 2018, your second: March 2021, your third: Nov 2021-July 2022 (4 pages). I replied to every one of your 3 previous threads.

I find it helpful to re-read a member’s previous threads so to better understand the current. Do you think it may help you to re-read your own previous threads, including the replies you received, take notes and study.. all for the purpose of understanding your current situation better?

anita

Dear Kiersten:

I will reply to both of your threads here, in this thread, and leave the other for those who may hopefully recommend to you the spiritual books and Buddhist guidance that you asked for.

You shared that you are a 31-year-old woman suffering from “autism… severe mental illnesses, and medical problems“, “severe disabilities..  that prevent me from working and going to school“,  making it difficult or impossible for you “to make and keep friends“. Your mother is currently paying your rent, but you hope to be able to support yourself financially in the future.

You shared that your mother is narcissistic and very mentally abusive toward you: “My mother will insult me put me on guilt trips and do things to manipulate me, and do things emotionally hurtful to me… respectful communication is no longer possible.. She shows no empathy or compassion for me so I don’t go see her anymore nor do I call her very much on the phone. I know eventually I will need to end contact with my mother“. You also shared that you “also endured a lot of mental abuse from family, former friends, ex partners, and medical professionals“, and that you’ve “had to cut a lot of toxic people out of my life“.

You asked: “Can anyone give me advice on how to compassionately handle my mother while I limit contact with her? I am hoping that when I am able to,  I can get well enough to go attend college to be able to secure a job and end contact… Can anyone relate?“-

– Firstly, congratulations for cutting a lot of toxic people out of your life and for minimizing contact with your abusive mother.  I very much like your plan to end all contact with her and to attend college and secure a job sometime in the future,  when you are able.

Secondly, yes, I can relate to having a narcissistic, abusive mother, the antithesis of what a mother is supposed to be. She is supposed to be her child’s protector; instead.. we need protection from her. My mother too, like yours, insulted me (repeatedly and at great lengths), mercilessly guilt-tripped me and severely hurt me.

You asked for advice on how to handle her compassionately while limiting contact with her: my advice is that you focus not on handling her compassionately, but instead, that you focus on handling yourself compassionately.

Your compassion for her all these years did not make a difference to her emotional quality of life,  and did not cause her to have compassion for you, did it… A waste of your empathy/ compassion, isn’t it? Better apply empathy and compassion to yourself: it will make a difference to your quality of life!

Personally, I have had no contact with my mother for 10 years and plan to keep it this way. I am still working on practicing compassion for myself.. a concept that was foreign to me in the past.

Is my input somewhat helpful, at this point?

anita

Dear Gavin:

“I hurt her, but she has clearly got over it and moved on quickly, so the only person I really hurt in the end was myself…to her now I am nothing but a faded memory of indifference“-

– if she has clearly got over it and quickly moved on, and to her you are nothing but a faded memory of indifference… if the only person you really hurt is yourself, then in your mind, you didn’t really hurt her, or you hurt her temporarily with no residual affect on her, not enough for her to even remember.

Am I understanding correctly?

anita

Dear Robyn:

You are welcome. “Is it not bad of him to leave me hanging when I helped him without a thought when his boyfriend kicked him out? When does the loyalty begin and end?“- You have the right to end your loyalty to him at any time. It is up to you. Personally, at this point in my life, I am loyal to principles, not to personalities, including personalities I am related to. I am loyal to those who are good people (although imperfect), for as long as they are good people via the totality of their words and actions. This loyalty goes hand in hand with my intent and efforts to be a good person myself through my words and actions.

“I am doing much better. Went no contact with my family and found peace where I am now“- good thing! Family is supposed to be about peace and love, but too often, it is synonymous with war and hate. When the latter is the case, better go No Contact.

“I saw them for who they are. I still love them because of the blood we share, but I don’t like them. My dad can die today and I wouldn’t cry“- I am curious about your love vs like distinction: you .. love your father?

anita