Dear Zenith:

I am tired and very cold. I am sitting in a heated office, been here for hours and yet my feet and hands feel frozen almost. Did you celebrate the New Year? (I am never out that late on any night).

anita

Dear Stacy:

Before thoroughly reading your update, I read through our past communication. Interestingly exactly 1 year ago, on Jan 2, 2024, you submitted a post addressed to me (here on this thread). You quoted me and responded to my quoted words:

” ‘When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment..’ — I’m not trying to be difficult here.. (but) I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things… If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or ‘deserve’ a better partner… It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation… Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward”-

A year later, I say that it’s clear. in your words above, that you have internalized the criticism from your family, leading you to doubt the validity of your feelings and reactions. Because you view (or viewed back then) yourself as overblowing situations, you felt undeserving of better treatment or a better partner. Your statement that this is “THE biggest mental block” keeping you from moving forward highlights how this self-doubt and internalized criticism have been major obstacles in your emotional growth and healing. You recognized, a year ago, the need to address this issue.

Despite acknowledging your sensitivity, you felt a strong need for validation that your experiences and feelings were legitimate. This conflict between self-blame and the desire for acknowledgment of mistreatment has caused you significant distress.

In essence, you were caught in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt, making it difficult for you to acknowledge the mistreatment you were subjected to, and move forward. You recognized this as a major mental block but was struggling to reconcile your sensitivity with your right to be treated well and to heal.

As I was reading through the pages, I cam across what you wrote here, addressed to me: “I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all… it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself“-
– you were becoming aware of your pattern of self-criticism and its negative impact on your mental health. You understood that this behavior is unproductive and that self-love cannot be achieved through self-hate. This awareness is an important step towards changing your mindset and fostering a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

Reading through, I noticed the Enmeshment topic. You acknowledged your struggle with family enmeshment.
Living with your mother made it difficult to separate your own issues from hers, part of your ongoing struggle to maintain healthy boundaries within a close-knit but troubled family.

Elsewhere you wrote: “I just want to feel like a woman, a capable woman“, and about your mother, you wrote: “I also see that she is physically and financially incapable of a lot of things she wants to do and it suffocates me… It makes me feel hopeless for her and for me“- You needed her to become capable so that you (the part of you that’s enmeshed with her of her) can become capable..?

“My therapist said years ago that I do indeed struggle with family enmeshment and I try to work through this but living here I think hinders me from separating at all… I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her… I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her…I don’t want to abandon her… I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific“- powerful words, powerful emotions, Stacy!

And now to your todays update: thank you for sharing your update and I’m truly sorry to hear about the ongoing challenges you’ve been facing. I admire your strength and resilience through it all.

Regarding your health, it’s incredibly frustrating not to have clear answers. I hope you find some peace and relief soon. It’s important to continue seeking medical advice whenever you feel it’s necessary.

As for the breakup, it’s understandable that you’re still grappling with the pain and confusion. Unresolved feelings and the lack of closure can make moving on incredibly difficult. It’s clear that this relationship was significant to you, and your feelings are valid.

It might be helpful to consider unfollowing him on social media as a step towards healing. Keeping that connection seems to be hindering your ability to fully process and move forward. It’s okay to prioritize your mental well-being, even if it feels difficult.

If you feel that expressing your emotions directly to him would bring you some closure, then it might be worth writing a letter or message. However, please do so with the understanding that you might not get the response you hope for. Sometimes, healing comes from acknowledging your feelings and releasing them, rather than seeking validation from others.

I’ve been thinking about everything you’ve shared, and I want you to know how important it is to find validity in your own feelings and to trust them. Your emotions are real and meaningful, and they deserve to be acknowledged and respected.

While I understand your worry about overreacting as an adult, it’s crucial to recognize that the circumstances of your childhood were incredibly challenging. In those situations, you probably underreacted, repressing and suppressing your valid feelings as a coping mechanism. It’s not uncommon to numb oneself to survive difficult experiences.

Now, as you navigate your life, it’s essential to re-associate with those feelings you had (and still have) as a child. Those emotions are a vital part of your story, and reconnecting with them can be a powerful step towards healing and self-acceptance.

Your feelings are valid, and your journey towards understanding and embracing them is just as important as any other aspect of your growth. You deserve to trust yourself and your emotions fully.

My (ongoing) healing process, or journey, wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t go back to my childhood, figuratively, so to pick up the emotions I left there unattended. No wonder I lived a miserable, dysfunctional adult life, being that this very vital part of me (those intense, impactful emotions of childhood) was abandoned and left behind.

Again, good to read from you again, Stacy. Wishing you a new year of healing!

anita

Dear Gage:

First off, I want to acknowledge the tremendous effort and care you’ve put into supporting your girlfriend through her struggles. It’s clear you have a deep sense of commitment and compassion.

However, it’s essential that you prioritize your own mental health. Constantly walking on eggshells and feeling isolated from your friends has been taking a significant toll on your well-being.

It’s not sustainable to sacrifice your own health indefinitely.

You asked: “At what point do I take my own mental health into account?”- my answer: immediately.

You ended your original post with: “I’m torn because I refuse to give up friends for an easier relationship, but I also don’t want to give up on her because I think she’s capable of improving. Just not before my mental health plummets completely.”- my response: I understand how torn you must feel. It’s commendable that you want to support her and see her improve, but it’s equally important to prioritize your own mental health. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your friendships or well-being for the sake of the relationship. It’s crucial to find a balance where both of your needs are met.

It will be best (if you haven’t so far) that you express to her your concerns and feelings honestly and compassionately. Let her know how her actions are affecting your mental health and the relationship and see how she responds.

It’s a good thing that you both agreed to go to therapy (together, as a couple?). It can be helpful to discuss these recurring issues with a couple therapist to explore deeper solutions and strategies for managing her paranoia and building trust. It can be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor individually. This can provide you with the space to explore your feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for self-care.

Ultimately, it’s about finding a balance where both of you can support each other’s growth without compromising your own health and happiness. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and seek a relationship that allows both partners to flourish.

anita

Post #3- Dear Dafne:

Your mother spent years trying to change or accommodate (enable) your father, denying the reality of the situation, and ignoring your opinions and feelings. She has been pushing you to maintain contact with your neglectful and abusive father and uses emotional manipulation, such as threatening to give away the dog or worse, if you leave her. She often criticizes you, compares you unfavorably to others, and brings up past mistakes, leading to feelings of sadness and the need for recovery time. When you tried to address your disappointments or her drinking, she deflects by saying that you have your father’s character or aren’t strong enough.

She alternates between protecting the father and speaking badly about him, creating confusion and emotional turmoil for you.

Your mother rescued a dog during COVID-19, demonstrating her capacity for compassion and love. However, she also uses the dog to manipulate you by threatening to give it away if you leave.

She provided free babysitting and housekeeping services to the man you were supposed to marry. This behavior might indicate a desire to ingratiate herself into his household, potentially seeking a larger, more stable home for herself.

You understandably feel that your mother is unsupportive and dismissive of your feelings and opinions, leading to frequent arguments and feelings of pointlessness in conversations. You also feel guilty about leaving her and are manipulated by your mother through guilt trips and threats regarding the dog.

The constant criticism and emotional manipulation results in you feeling overwhelmed, leading to significant emotional breakdowns. You had to sacrifice your plans and well-being due to your mother’s moodiness and lack of support, leading to resentment and stress.

Overall, your mother’s behavior is characterized by emotional manipulation, control, and inconsistent support. While she shows compassion, such as rescuing the dog, she simultaneously uses that compassion as a tool for manipulation. Her actions, such as providing free babysitting and housekeeping, may stem from self-interest, seeking to secure a better living situation for herself.

Your mother’s inability to deal with her own issues healthily resulted in a deeply dysfunctional relationship with you, one where you feel trapped and constantly criticized.

Your struggles with self-worth, emotional security, and relationship difficulties are a direct result of your mother’s behavior, these are natural responses to growing up in the toxic environment created by your mother.

Your heightened sensitivity was not a flaw but a normal and understandable reaction to the challenges you faced. It’s important to acknowledge that your emotional responses were shaped by your environment and the behaviors you were subjected to.

Seeking therapy and external support can help you address these challenges, build healthier coping mechanisms, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional security. Your awareness and willingness to understand your past are crucial steps toward healing and personal growth.

Any little girl growing up with the exact same mother as yours, having a father with the exact same behaviors as yours, and growing up in the exact circumstances, including not having any significant support from any other adult while growing up.. any such girl, would have grown up to suffer from the same challenges you’ve been suffering from- including significant self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.

* A note about myself and how I relate to you: much of what you shared about your mother is very similar to my experience with my own mother: selective compassion (for some animals), self-interest (no consideration at all for my emotional well-being), controlling, very critical of me, manipulative (guilt-tripping, histrionics), etc.

Similar to your mother, my mother blamed me for the natural reactions to her abuse, and for being weak, comparing me unfavorably to other (allegedly strong) daughters. It was similar, figuratively, to one person (my mother) stabbing another person (me) with a knife, and then complaining that I was bleeding, accusing me of.. overreacting to her stabbing (by bleeding).

Back to you, Dafne: I sure hope that you find a way to separate from your mother, as I have done in regard to my mother, so that you are no longer a subject to her control and abuse. But I do understand that it can be very difficult for you to move out and live away from her because of guilt and self-doubt (which I heavily suffered from myself), and that professional help may be necessary for you at this time, so that you can live separately from her.

It reads like you may have been looking for a romantic relationship as a way to escape your mother’s control and abuse, as in looking for a man to remove you from your mother’s abuse (this was true to me)..?

I hope that the above is helpful and remember- I understand how difficult all this is- so, give yourself the space and time to figure things out at your own pace, preferably with the help of quality professional help.

anita

Dear Dafne:

On March 19, 2024, you shared and asked: “I was quite sensitive and shy as a small girl so there was no way for me to express myself freely. I had to be quite and hide in my room to avoid the conflict & the constant fights. Maybe my personality as a child contributed to the fact that I can’t cope with life or romantic relationships in my adult life?”-

– on this Jan 1, 2025, morning, I want to answer your question best I can. Paraphrased, your question is (in my mind) the following:

Was I, Dafne, inherently flawed and overly sensitive, or was my heightened sensitivity a natural and normal response to my childhood circumstances, especially given my relationship with my mother?”

(This paraphrased question is the same question I asked myself for decades, a question that tortured me for the longest time)!

In the next post, I will quote most of what you shared in regard to your mother (I read it all). I will not be referring to your father’s mistreatment of you on this day and focus on your mother because you are still living with her and the relationship with her is still troubled.

In a third post, I will offer you my best answer.

anita

Dear Chau (CLara):

You are very welcome and thank you for wishing me a lovely new year. I wish you a love-filled 2025, a year where you will co-create a love story of mutual commitment, investment, good-will, care and (again, mutual) respect, being each other’s NUmber 1 !

Anita

Dear Samara:

Thank you for sharing your story and feelings. It’s incredible how a post from ten years ago can resonate so deeply with your current experience. It’s a testament to the universal nature of these emotions and the challenges that many people face in relationships.

Your acknowledgment of the need to end the relationship, despite the love and respect you have for your partner, is both brave and self-aware. It’s a difficult decision, but recognizing that staying could ultimately cause more pain shows your deep understanding and care for both your well-being and his.

Feeling guilty is a natural part of this process. It’s hard to let go of someone who is kind and loving, and the fear of not finding someone else who offers the same level of support is very real. But your insight about the long-term consequences of staying in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you is crucial. It’s an act of kindness to both yourself and your partner to be honest about your feelings and to seek a path that allows for true contentment and love.

Your hope for the future, for both you and the original poster, is inspiring. It’s important to hold onto that optimism and trust that making the right decision, no matter how painful it may be now, will lead to better outcomes for both of you.

It’s okay to take the time you need to process these emotions and to seek support from friends, family, or a counselor. You deserve to find a relationship that truly aligns with your feelings and desires.

Take care of yourself, and know that you’re making a courageous and thoughtful choice.

anita

One more thing: I wish you a year of authenticity and courage. And one more thing:thank you for being a part of this community and for sharing your experiences. Your willingness to grow and engage is truly appreciated.

anita