Dear Rising Flower:

I hope that you are well and that I will be reading from you again. I want to respond to you more positively and empathetically this morning, a month and a day after my last post to you (and assuming the issues you shared about have not yet been resolved, at least not completely):

Navigating the complexities of an arranged marriage, falling for someone else, and dealing with the emotional fallout is an huge burden. Your initial marriage to H, a kind and caring person, and the subsequent entanglement with L, who manipulated your emotions, created a situation filled with conflict and guilt.

The ongoing manipulation and blame from L, despite his marriage to another woman, have understandably caused more emotional turmoil. It’s clear that L’s behavior—his dishonesty, anger issues, and neglect—has significantly impacted your well-being.

Despite recognizing the unhealthy nature of your relationship with L and your own emotional maturity, it’s natural to struggle with deep, complex feelings. Your accidental pregnancy and miscarriage add another layer of emotional pain. It’s important to acknowledge the strength it takes to navigate these challenges and continue seeking healing, and that it’s okay to feel conflicted and to struggle with detaching from someone who has been a significant part of your life for over a decade.

I think that it is the intense emotional roller coaster (highs and lows) of love, hope, disappointment, and pain made it very difficult for you to establish clear boundaries and detach from L: when things are going well, the feelings of joy, love, and connection with L are (I imagine) incredibly intense. These positive emotions create strong, happy memories that overshadow the negative experiences. During the highs, L likely provides affection and validation, which makes you feel valued and loved, reinforcing your attachment to him.

The lows involve conflict, mistreatment, and emotional pain. These experiences are also intense but on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. The highs and lows create an unpredictable pattern of reinforcement. This is a powerful psychological mechanism where occasional rewards (emotional highs) make the individual crave more, despite the presence of negative experiences (lows).

This pattern is similar to gambling or other addictive behaviors, where the occasional win (positive interaction) keeps the person engaged and hoping for more.

This cycle of highs and lows can lead to trauma bonding, where the individual becomes emotionally dependent on the person causing the pain. The rare moments of affection and kindness are seen as relief from the pain, making them more potent.

I hope that further understanding the addictive power of emotional cycles of high and lows, such as the one you are experiencing (if you still do), as well as the concept of trauma bonding are, or will be helpful to you. Please continue to prioritize your well-being and seek support from therapy and trusted individuals. Your journey is unique, and your emotions are valid. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take the time you need.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you continue to navigate this complex journey!

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S M e, as merry as possible, for you and for your father 🎄❄️

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S A n T a R K a L a 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

anita

I hope you and your family are doing well this Christmas day, Lulu 🎄❄️

anita

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S again, E v F r A n 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

M e R r Y C h R i S t M a S, B e N i 🎄🎅 ✨❄️ 🎁 😊 !

anita

Dear Kristen:

I am so sorry to read about the tragic loss of your sweet mourning dove. I can feel the immense pain and guilt you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

It’s evident how much you adored her and how honored you felt to have her in your life. She clearly brought a lot of love and joy to your home, and you provided her with a sense of freedom and companionship that she cherished.

Accidents can happen, even when we’re being as careful as possible. It’s important to remember that you gave her a loving home and did your best to protect her. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, unforeseen things happen, and it’s not a reflection of our care or intentions.

Please be kind to yourself. The guilt you feel is a natural response to such a heartbreaking event, but it doesn’t diminish the love and care you provided. Try to focus on the beautiful moments you shared with her and the happiness she brought into your life.

If it’s helpful, consider creating a small memorial for her or dedicating some time to reflect on the joy she brought you. This might help in finding a way to honor her memory and the special bond you shared.

Grieving is a process, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and empathize with your feelings.

Sending you strength and comfort.

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message and kind words. I’m truly touched that my poem inspired you, and I would be honored to see it transformed into a piece of art. Your dedication to finding time for creativity amidst your busy life is admirable.

You had a really challenging year, and it’s clear that you’ve been carrying a heavy load, not just with work but with constant worrying and thinking about the future. It’s very important to prioritize your health and well-being, and I’m glad you’re seeking ways to strengthen yourself.

I appreciate your reflections on friendships and self-perception:

* “People are never 100% honest in their friendships… everyone hides many thoughts from one another”-

– It’s true and it’s quite common for people to hide their thoughts. I hope you don’t mind (?), Arden, that I develop this topic. I want to develop it because it would help me, and maybe it will help you too:

Reasons why people hide their thoughts: (1) Social Etiquette/ being polite and promoting harmony. For example, thinking about someone you are talking to: “how unattractive he/ she looks like”, but hiding that thought so to not offend the person and to not create unnecessary tension. Another example: during a family dinner, someone hides his/ her true feelings about a political topic to avoid creating tension or offending relatives,

(2) Emotional Protection: to avoid being judged or hurt. For example, a person has romantic thoughts about a friend but hides those thoughts so to avoid the risk of rejection, and to avoid the potential loss of the friendship. Another example: a person hides his struggles with mental health, so to avoid being judged or stigmatized.

(3) Avoiding Conflict. For example, someone does not voice her disagreement in a group setting to keep the peace. Another example: in a relationship, one partner does not voice their annoyance with the other, so to prevent an argument.

(4) Fear of Rejection. An example: an employee does not share his innovative idea in a meeting, fearing it will be dismissed or ridiculed by colleagues

(5) Privacy. Example: a person keeps his financial struggles, or medical struggles private, choosing to deal with them independently rather than sharing them with friends, family, and/ or coworkers.

(6) Professionalism. Examples: an employee avoids discussing personal political beliefs at work to maintain a professional atmosphere and prevent potential conflicts.

Overall, hiding thoughts to some extent is a universal human behavior. Everyone does it to navigate various social, personal, and professional situations more smoothly. Selective disclosure of thoughts is a necessary and healthy part of everyday human interactions.
Understanding this can help in developing empathy and recognizing that everyone has unspoken thoughts and feelings, just as we do.

Hiding Thoughts is Healthy when it serves to avoid unnecessary conflicts maintain polite interactions with others, fostering a peaceful and cooperative environment, especially in settings where oversharing could be inappropriate or harmful. Also, it allows people to process their thoughts & feelings internally before deciding how, or if, they want to share them with others. In professional settings, discretion is often necessary to maintain a productive and respectful workplace.

Hiding Thoughts is Unhealthy for a person when he/ she does it too much. Emotional suppression on a regular basis, in every context, result in stress, anxiety, or depression, and it leads to a lack of authenticity in personal relationships, creating feelings of isolation. It’s important to find healthy outlets for expressing emotions. When people hide their thoughts to avoid conflict, it can lead to unresolved issues and built-up resentment over time, which can eventually strain relationships and lead to bigger conflicts.

Also, hiding thoughts and avoiding difficult conversations can prevent personal growth and self-improvement. It’s often through open and honest communication that individuals learn and grow.

In summary: it’s important to strike a balance between discretion (hiding our thoughts) and openness (voicing our thoughts). Finding the right time and place to express thoughts, and doing so constructively, can help maintain both personal well-being and healthy relationships. Having trusted individuals or safe spaces where one you can share thoughts openly is crucial. This provides a healthy outlet for emotions and helps build supportive connections. In essence, while hiding thoughts is a normal and often necessary part of social interaction, it’s important to ensure it doesn’t lead to negative emotional consequences or hinder authentic relationships.

* Now, to the people pleasing topic: being a people pleaser, like you expressed, Arden, can stem from a mix of love and fear. Recognizing this is a powerful step toward understanding yourself better. Realizing that people-pleasing is a behavior driven by specific motivations can boost your confidence in your ability to change and grow. With better understanding, you can work toward being more authentic in your relationships. This leads to deeper and more genuine connections with others.

Recognizing the mix of love and fear behind your actions can encourage self-compassion and help you find a balance between helping others and taking care of yourself, developing a more balanced and fulfilling life.

* Your experience with your friend’s request for money illustrates the struggle between wanting to help and feeling used. It’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs, especially when you’re already dealing with so much. Your decision to protect your self-worth and not feel used is commendable. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and ensure that your relationships are balanced and respectful.

Points: (1) You can practice saying no in a firm but polite manner. Example: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help with that right now”, (2) Express your needs and boundaries directly. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on extra tasks. I need some time for myself”, (3) Decide what you’re comfortable with and communicate these boundaries clearly. Boundaries help protect your time, energy, and resources. Example: “I can help you, but only for an hour”, (4) Enforce your boundaries consistently. If someone crosses a boundary, remind them of your limits. Example: “I mentioned that I can only assist for an hour. I need to stop now”, (5) Take time for yourself and engage in activities that recharge you. Self-care strengthens your ability to set boundaries and resist being used. Examples: Engaging in hobbies or exercise, (6) Distance yourself from individuals who consistently take advantage of your kindness and focus on relationships where there is mutual respect and support. Healthy relationships involve give and take from both sides. Surround yourself with people who respect and value you.

Wishing you, Arden, a Merry Christmas and an amazing new year filled with happy surprises, peaceful moments, and the company of loved ones. May you find the balance and peace you seek.

anita