Oh, I understand, Clara. I think it’s Mon 1:35 pm where you are, Sun 10:35 pm where I am. Will be back to you Mon morning where I am.

anita

Dear Zenith:

I just noticed this Sun morning that I forgot to get back to you yesterday in regard to your short post of Fri. I will at the end of this post.

“My mind cannot stop  obsessing about how she has changed… it’s still hard to accept the fact how my friend has changed. The NEW her. She is close with a friend who has hurt me in the past. She has her own set of friends whom I don’t like… I get jealous or get triggered when she hangs out with other friends without me. How do I tackle these feelings/emotions instead of running away from it“?- maybe this will help, it’s something I repeat every day. I probably already shared it (my NPARR strategy) with you:

Notice- when you get triggered, feeling jealous, when you are obsessing about your friend, then Pause- stop (however temporarily) the train of thoughts in your head, just long enough to Address the situation- ask yourself; is there a situational problem that requires a situational solution? Or is it a distorted-thinking problem that I need to correct? Is there a different way to look at the situation? If I am judging someone, is there an empathetic way to view the person I judge?

Next: Respond or not- say or do something, or not: if there is a situational problem (an extreme example perhaps, would be your friend calling you names), then confront her about it, or decide to no longer have contact with her (a situational solution).

Next: Redirect- redirect your focus elsewhere. If distorted thinking is involved, redirect it to accurate thinking. If judgment and anger at people are involved, redirect judgment and anger to empathy whenever possible. Think in regard to the people you judge/ are angry with: are they too in pain in their lives? Do they struggle? Are they anxious sometimes, disappointed, jealous.. are they like me in some ways?

Replace judgment and anger with empathy whenever possible, whenever it is appropriate.

“When I was in India, I didn’t have to think about all this… That makes feel like going back to India. lol.”

– you know the saying “Wherever you go, there you are“? It means that you can’t escape yourself or your problems by simply changing your location. This saying is true because the location that matters the most (in the way a person experiences life) is the distance between one’s ears.

You shared Friday about your social anxiety being in the way of being a strong, vocal team member at work, as well as in trying for a new job. I suggested making a little progress every day in speaking up at work, one little step at a time. I hope that you will practice this tomorrow when you are back to work (Monday), and for the rest of the workweek and tell me about it..?

anita

Dear Lulu:

“I had a physical examination on the 25th of July for college, and the doctor said that all of my levels are normal whereas before, my blood sugar and cholesterol were abnormally high“- that’s good news, that all your levels are normal, and it’s a recent test, good!

“As far as exercise, I enjoy treadmill running on maximum incline at a speed of 3 for an hour“- this is a very heavy-duty workout, very hard on your knees/ joints, especially for a person with some excess weight.

“I’ll definitely start incorporating some walks in“- a healthier, safer choice than the above.

“My mom wants me to eat in small meals while exercising, but my brain automatically wants to binge… Fasting helps me curb the binge… while also just being easier for me to do mentally… My mom actively said she wants me to count calories and do small meals every single day… she feels as though I’m going to go in the opposite direction and become anorexic“- the method of losing weight needs to be tailored to the individual who is trying to lose weight and maintain the loss. It needs to fit the person’s needs, preferences, inclinations, habits etc. What may work for your mother is not likely to work for you, and vice versa.

Best that you and your mother visit a health care professional with expertise on the topic, and discuss concerns (yours and hers), so that you and your mother are on the same page.

Her emotional support is important to you, and conflict with her is troubling to you. A 3rd person’s input (a professional’s) can make things much better for you.

anita

Dear Clara:

“I decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happy hormones before I came back. I was a bit scared before I came back. I was afraid to see her stuff around“- working out at the gym didn’t make your fear go away, but it gave you courage to face the situation you were afraid of (being back home and seeing her stuff while she’s gone).

“She left a paper cup in here… she left something here and there… I have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person“- you need a partner in your life who is naturally more attentive, more attentive to your needs, wants and preferences.

“and honestly, it probably because it doesn’t matter to me that much anymore so I feel ok“- a bit of anger, a bit of resignation..?

“she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, and she said it was because of me“- we all want to have a positive impact on the ones we love.

“I think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was I saw a video on grief… I cannot just disregard grief… she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled…“- grieving love lost. Not person lost: person is still around, but the love is gone.

“I think within one week, I think I have progressed well. I didn’t beg, didn’t ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2. I just need to get used being alone now“- I think that you have been progressing very well. I am glad that you didn’t beg!

“Re adoption, I am considering to foster care these animals first, I think instead of committing to an animal while I didn’t raise any before… who knows if I wont officially adopt it if we get along?“- excellent, logical and reasonable plan. It can apply to romantic relationships as well: get to know a person very well before committing to an official relationship.

anita

Thank you, Zenith!

Dear Clara:

I hope you are sleeping now, it being after midnight, your time.

“I told her she can take her time and if needed, just stay for the night. I offered to help her pack“- that’s very nice of you!

It’s a good idea that you are staying at your parents’ at this time.

“complicated as in, there are times when I get angry, times when I feel ok, times when I was very upset and needed to cry, times when I do not even have feelings for her when I look at the photos of us together. It’s a lots of different things.“- all normal things when a person is going through a break up, particularly of a long-term relationship.

It will get better and easier.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. “she is supposed to go home today and will pack everything by day end… sometime it feels like something aching in the heart, sometime there is a void. With all the logistic discussion with her… this makes me feel very complicated.“- she and her stuff, appliances and furniture, should be out by now.

Try to endure the void, even make friends with it, if you can. Relax into it, best you can.

I wonder about you feeling very complicated, what it means..?

anita