Dear Annie:

We communicated Sept 10- Sept 21, 2018, five years ago, almost to the day.

You shared back then: “I had some traumatic childhood experience…  I was a victim of abuse and it started at 6… since I suffered abuse I was scared of anyone’s touch. I couldn’t hug my Papa also. We never shared a hug“. You shared nothing else back then about the abuse/ the traumatic childhood experience you suffered.

At the time, you mentioned a sister, but you didn’t mention any brothers: “I had dreams of doing something for my parents for me for my sister.”

Fast forward to Aug 17, 2023, you shared (in this thread): “They were supposed to be my brothers as per the worldly relationships“. And what did they do to you when you were 6 or 8-year old?  You didn’t say, but suggested, or it reads to me, that they sexually abused you: “Maybe I smiled too much… Give out a wrong hint.. mislead them?.. if I had a normal childhood where brothers act like their normal self I would not have been afraid of people in general“.

You asked a month ago: “What is my fault? May be I smiled too much as a six year old…  I am still asking this 30-40 years later. From the time I gained conscience, I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong. I have not been able to find any answer“.

Five years ago, you talked about guilt: “I am unable to love myself…  I feel extremely guilty…feeling guilty all the time… I feel I am the one responsible for everything happening. No one else is responsible, what should I do with the thoughts. I am battling with them but they are getting louder.”

My input today: like in your case, Guilt (with a capital G) sucked the joy out of my life. Like you, there were times (the longest lasting a few months), when I felt happy (“I was a happy self made girl before I met him. I worked hard throughout my studies and career and I had dreams of doing something for my parents for me for my sister“, you wrote in Sept 2018), but it didn’t last long because it was only a matter of time before Guilt returned to rob me of the joy of living.

In my case, I felt Guilty about my mother’s misery in life and I took full responsibility for it. I believed that I did not deserve peace of mind, let alone joy, unless I made it up to her for all the wrongs I allegedly did to her. Like in your case, these thoughts were often loud and louder. A person feeling this Guilty cannot feel content or happy except during exceptional times (like during traveling), and otherwise, in moments here and there.

My mother told me that I was responsible for her misery, at least for a large part of it, and I believed her. She never cared to tell me otherwise, even though my Guilt was visible and audible, as I did try to make it up to her, and failed.

When I think about your case, having been abused by your brothers, I imagine that maybe you were blamed for it, maybe you were not, but in any case:  no one told you that you were not to be blamed for it, no one told you early on (when you were a child) that it was not your fault.

When a child is abused by a trusted family member, the child naturally feels responsible for the wrong that happened/ Guilty , and without anyone telling the child early on that it wasn’t the child’s fault, the child keep feeling guilty way into adulthood.

“From the time I gained conscience, I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong. I have not been able to find any answer“- as an abused child, you did NOTHING wrong. You were not responsible for the abuse. It was NOT your fault.

But you needed to hear this and be convinced of it as a child. The Guilt has been going on for too long. Guilt went on too long for me too, but the good news: I don’t feel guilty for my mother’s misery anymore. What a relief!  I would like to share more about it with you, but I don’t know if you are even reading this. Please let me know…?

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome! “Once they have me and then discard me“-  they shouldn’t have you in a way that makes it possible for them to discard you.

You’ve been giving men something you should not give, something they have no business having. You’ve been giving this guy the role of a parent, putting him on a pedestal (like a child does in regard to a parent), and presenting yourself as a lesser, as a child needing his (parental) support so that you can grow up and become a capable woman.

If you enter a relationship not as a lesser, but as a capable woman (however imperfectly, however self-doubting), with a capable man (a man capable of having a healthy-enough relationship, which the guy was not),  you will not be discardable!

“I’m left feeling like I wasn’t woman enough for them and that I was a child they didn’t take seriously“- you entered relationships as a lesser, as not enough.

“I’m left feeling like I wasn’t woman enough for them and that I was a child they didn’t take seriously“- you entered relationships as an (incapable) child.

“I’m still in complete shock that my ex lied to me about even wanting to stay in contact…  I’m still at square one – just complete denial and inability to accept what’s happened“- I think that the complete quality of what you are experiencing (including the extreme pain, in the title of your thread), has to do with a child (you) being abandoned by a parent (him).

If you perceived the two of you as adults, neither your denial nor your pain would be complete and extreme.

“Today, the 22nd is also the anniversary of the first day we met in person“- it seems like such an important date for the child who met her.. (2nd chance of a) parent for the first time.

“It’s discouraging to know that half of my suffering is due to my own insecure narrative coming up trying to find closure“- I think that in regard to this breakup, more than half of your suffering is due to you entering the relationship like a lesser, a child needing a strong parent.

* If the relationship continued, at one point on, you’d have realized that the emperor (this guy who you admired so much) has no clothes (he does not deserve your admiration).

“It’s also discouraging to know that if I don’t rectify these things in myself, my grief and pain will be for nothing and bleed out onto the next person if they ever come along“-  the rectification and stopping the bleeding need to be about (1) entering a relationship as an equal adult, a capable, and imperfect woman, (2) entering a relationship with a capable and imperfect man.

* I add imperfect here because a young child sees her parent/s as perfect, needing to see them that way, and whatever goes wrong, the child sees it as a consequence of her own imperfection, still holding the parent in the position of perfect. A healthy adult, sees her parents and herself.. and everyone else as imperfect.

“I will look for him in everyone else, and I will tell myself again that I was able to entertain and attract someone of high value but that once I show them love, the chase is over for them and they get bored and turned off by the REAL me“- (1) an abandoned child will desperately look for a parent in everyone she meets, (2) an unloved child believes that she, as well as her love (for her parent), are worthless. (3) the REAL you is worthy and lovable. It’s just that you don’t yet.. really know it, do you?

“And you’re right – my mom doesn’t really try to connect with me… the only connection I want is to be heard by her and I don’t see it “- no efforts to connect with you, no efforts to hear you= no love for you.

It was very, very difficult for me to think that my mother did/ does not love me. WOW! What a concept. But it’s true. And not because I was not worthy of love, but because she was/ is unable.

“I think my mom and I would have a better relationship with each other if I were happier and if she were happier“- she told you repeatedly that only money and health would make her happy, didn’t she? She didn’t tell you that you could make her happy, did she?

“She’s been so annoyed and disappointed in me for how slowly I’m taking this breakup“- you would have taken this breakup much quicker if she loved you.

I am sure she has some caring feelings for her children once in a while… well, I am not sure, I am thinking that likely most mothers do, but the proof, as the saying goes- is in the pudding. If you were a loved child, Stacy, you wouldn’t have entered a romantic relationship as a child desperate for love.

“She needs me to be okay so she can feel okay, and sadly I see myself in that. The enmeshment you mentioned playing out right there“- I think that it is you who have needed her to be okay (which she isn’t and hasn’t) because for many years, as a child, you needed her to be okay enough to love you. On the other hand, she needs you to not bother her.

Like I mentioned above, I couldn’t believe that it was even possible that my mother did not love me. I imagined that she did. I interpreted some of her actions as loving when they were not, or not necessarily so. Similarly, maybe you interpret the fact that she complained about you taking the breakup too slowly as evidence of her love, when truth may be that she simply doesn’t want to be bothered by you mopping around & such.

It is a very, very difficult concept for a child of any age, to think of a parent as unloving. Yet, reality is such that too many parents are indeed unloving. Not because they are evil, not necessarily.. but because they are UNABLE to love, not their children, not anyone (maybe some love their pets, but not people; others may “love” strangers that they admire or characters in the movies or in politics and such.. just not the real people in their lives).

“I definitely don’t have the money to move out still but I’m hoping to get there. I have two part time jobs and they just aren’t cutting it, especially with no health insurance. My medical bills and medication are a problem, on top of constant car repair bills. There are talks of me hopefully getting full time at one of my jobs after December if their budget allows it and I can get health insurance then. This would change my life“-

– I hope that you do get the job, and I hope that there is somehow a way for you to move out sooner. Maybe as a live-in, part time caretaker on an elderly person where you can live in a QUIET home.. your health may improve for that alone! Two days ago, you wrote: “In fact as I type this, it is 3:41 am and my sister is arguing with my nephew in the room next to me. So when I need to sleep, the house is loud and chaotic“- this (being in a loud and chaotic home, not being able to relax/ sleep)  is bad for your health.

“I’m hoping to find a routine outside of this house and also without my sister. She gets hurt if I don’t include her in my plans by myself.“- can you give me a couple of examples of plans you had to do by yourself that your sister felt hurt about?

anita

Dear Cat:

I hope that I am making some sense in this post because I am very tired, having slept poorly last night. When I answered your question yesterday (the above post), I didn’t think about your personal quality of life in between your ears. So, I re-read parts of your communication this  morning:

Feb 3, 2018: “She would scream and shout at me and my sister for no reason, and when my Dad came home she would yell at him so he would end up slapping us and making us cry. It was a very sad household. Me and my sister never really knew what love was, and I grew up isolated from everyone with severe depression“- I figure this has been your quality of life in between your ears, as a child and an adult: a replaying of the same. I see this to be true for everyone who suffered for too long,  as children.

More about your quality of life (and what a good life is not),  Feb- March 2018, you wrote (not necessarily in this order): “I feel guilty for simply living my life… because my parents never had that freedom… if they can’t have it, why should I?… deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulders… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life“, “If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life”, “I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too.. I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things I loved”, “I feel like if I try and get close to people or be nice then they’ll think that I am trying to hurt them or something”-

It is all right here: similar to me, you too felt/ feel like a bad person, guilty, a person who is soulfully contracted to suffer because your parents suffer, your sister suffers.. so you have to suffer too, for as long as they are suffering. This has been your quality of life, hasn’t it?

* About Numbers, Feb 3-4, 2018, you wrote: “Last year I kept seeing 11:11 everywhere for months, throughout summer and into August. This is what got me in to spiritual numbers, It was a sign that something big was coming…  I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason, and that my life has meaning“.

On Feb 7, 2018,  I submitted a post at 11:11 am. I didn’t notice it until you pointed it out to me (Feb 7): “you posted that last post at exactly 11:11. The next day, Feb 8, I wrote to you: “This is amazing, 11:11, that is incredible. What are the chances… unbelievable, fascinating…  I don’t want to be yet another random person to fail you. I do have 11:11 attached to me now, but Clarence had that too, didn’t he. And he failed you“.

The day after, Feb 9, 2018 you wrote: “I must point again – that one of your last posts – you posted at exactly 333!!!!!! One of the Master Numbers of the Universe (emoji) It’s not a coincidence– maybe the Universe is trying to speak to YOU here, and show you that it is listening“.

The following year, March 18, 2019, I wrote to you: “Last night when I looked at the time on my phone, it was 1:11… and I still don’t believe it is a sign from above“.

You wrote on Feb 21, 2018: “I think for me, healing is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people. .. I have done this far too many times and allowed myself to be far too open to people who aren’t good for me..  I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long(!!)”

On June 5, 2018, you wrote: “My Dearest Anita, I use the term ‘My Dearest’ because you are actually The most respectful, patient and understanding connection that I have in my life. Our consistent and patient communication through Tiny Buddha is a massive assurance and help for me, so thank you for that“-at that time, on that day, I was still a person who you considered good for you., the right kind of people.  You were an open book to me, hoping that I will understand you, and I did a good enough job, by that point.

On Aug 26, 2018, you wrote: “Dear Anita, I wish that everyone was as patient, respectful and considerate as you are“- I was still the right kind of people.

* I lost that, didn’t I… being the right kind of people for you?

Back to numbers: today, for now, I am withdrawing my great skepticism about numbers as signs from the universe, and I am considering what you said five and a half years ago: maybe the Universe is trying to speak to ME here, and show me that it is listening (your words, changed pronoun). It will take me some time to understand. Do you have an idea about what the Universe was, or maybe still is, trying to say to me.. or listen to me say? (Or is it something only for me to figure out..?)

anita

P.S., I came across the following quote  From Aug 26, 2018, a quote that is relevant, I believe, to your recent experience with Ed. If you want, we can talk about it later: “you are right. I have done this many times with guys, and I am still thinking as to why I do do this. I project an image on to them that I see – decent, caring, reliable, understanding, boyish etc. All these qualities I see in them. Maybe this is what I seek in an ideal boyfriend. Maybe these are qualities that I have in myself, I am not sure. I think I’d like to think that if I am myself, and honest with someone, then the right person will see me and accept me for who I am…. And anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth it. I guess that’s the philosophy I’ve been going with, in terms of being open with guys. I am a big personality, and I don’t hide that from people – sometimes I question myself on doing this, and sometimes I fail to see myself or how I come across. I’m not sure.”.

Dear Tee:

I hope that my last post to you (right above) wasn’t too long or too heavy for you, or too much about me.. How are you?

anita

How are you, Positivitea, and how is applying empathy for yourself working out?

anita

How are you, Neha, and how is applying empathy for yourself working out?

anita

How are you, Caroline? Did you make a choice regarding work?

anita