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anitaParticipantDear anonymous:
You are welcome! “While meditating those thoughts come back and I end up fighting with them… While for a certain moment I… feel calm. Then there are triggers and I get engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and helplessness. Waking up in the morning is the worst time“- your brain is in the habit of getting engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt and shame. It is difficult to break habits. It takes persistence and patience. It’s about extending the moments of calm over time.
About shame, can you elaborate on how it feels, for you, what thoughts are involved in the feeling?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome! “I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels“- your next relationship should be with a woman who shares your relationship goals, and that’s not her.
“For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment“- my tattoo-commentary: where you put it (location) is very important. The other day, in a belly dancing/ Hafla event, the event planner (she is maybe 60) was dressed in a beautiful red costume that went so well with a large red flower tattoo on her back and up her left shoulder. It looked elegant on her. Years ago, I saw a large man in a swimming pool with a tattoo of a naked woman across his belly and up to his chest, not a good location.
“It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away“- I would get a haircut and throw some things away, if I was you, and rethink the tattoo and pet adoption in a few weeks or a month from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
I’m back earlier than I thought I’d be.
“Why does my boyfriend put up with everything… Why doesn’t he ever say “I don’t need this in my life, you can be with me if you want to or no”. He always says I am trying to work on this, work on that, etc.… why?.. Why does he want me sooooo badly? It bothers me“-
– my guess: he wants the approval of someone who disapproved of him at an early age, a disapproving parent, and because you too disapprove of him, he projects the disapproving parent into you, and is trying to .. finally win (the parent’s) approval by proxy of you.
What do you think about my guess?
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome! “Last night when I went home and my first sight was the sofa, and that I see images of her sitting there… I cried so hard. But I felt today, I am more able to face that image again, like I have cried over the idea that she would ever sit in that sofa“- you are gradually accepting a new reality. It takes time to accept and adjust. You are doing well.
“I already booked a therapy session, to review this“- good thing, well done!
“I am 41 this year, and I feel nervous yet quite excited, to finally do this. It will be a small pattern on my arm“- I am excited for you!
“I think I have learned a lot this month“- I focus on learning in my own life every day, and it makes my life better!
“Another thing that I thought of, is to adopt a cat/dog. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but then she doesn’t really like animals. Now that she is gone, I might proceed with a cat/ dog. I want to give these otherwise abandoned animals a proper home“- a new tattoo, a new pet.. I am excited for your new beginnings, and for the fortunate pet who will be taken in by you!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-
– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?
“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.
“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“When she really needs to move things, she seems pretty devastated, I am really unsure why and how should I react to it“- it’s possible that she is devastated, not by the breakup of the relationship, but by having to move out: having to find a different place to live. Maybe she didn’t pay you any rent or expenses, and will have to pay such in the next place. Maybe she paid little rent & such to you, and will have to pay significantly more elsewhere, and that’s what’s devastating her..?
anita
July 29, 2024 at 12:49 pm in reply to: Happy when I’m with my boyfriend, but upset when we’re not together? #435533anitaParticipantDear t:
“This is my first relationship… With him, I feel generally stable and normal… When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public, things like that… I’m not sure that either of us understand what actually is making me feel this way“-
– it is possible that your emotional attachment to your first boyfriend triggered a painful experience you had in the past, in context of a relationship with a parent, a parent (or a parent figure) who either abandoned you, or mistreated you otherwise?
When a child’s emotional attachment to the parent is somehow ignored or betrayed, it’s a painful experience that tends to awaken in the context of another type of emotional attachment in adulthood: the attachment to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
Do you think that this is a possible explanation to how you feel?
“We have had some conversations about this with him promising to try to improve“- he promised to improve in how often he texts you, how long he stays with you on the phone, how often he meets with you, things like that?
“How can I better manage this?“- I think that it will take understanding the reasons behind your emotional experience with him and then, exercise emotion regulation.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie:
It’s okay that you took long to respond, I appreciate reading back from you!
Your choice to not attend gatherings where Amy and her boyfriend are present reads reasonable to me, very reasonable.
“she was never a true friend to me like my childhood best friend was (now deceased)“- I bet you miss your true friend very much. How did it feel, at the time, to have a true friend?
“even if I did apologize and attend parties where they will be, there still will be a lot of friction and tension in the air. So its best I stay far away.“- I agree, better stay away from friction and tension whenever possible: for your peace of mind, and for the peace of mind of the people who do care about you and who treat you well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
When you miss India too much, remember the mix factor. It will give you the mental space to appreciate the positives where you are now!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
It is interesting, the mix of relaxing and anxiety, being that you experienced this mix growing up, and fast forward, during this most recent visit.
“In India you are always surrounded by family or neighbors.“- sometimes it feels good/ relaxing to be surrounded by family and neighbors, and at other times, it feels uncomfortable, annoying, doesn’t it? And you end up remembering the good and missing it..?
anita
anitaParticipantWelcome back to the USA, Zenith! I am fine, thank you. How was your stay in India and what/ who do you miss the most?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie: I will read and reply in about 11 hours.
anita
anitaParticipantDear anonymous:
Good to read that since your last post you continued meditation, journaling and sharing with your brother, that you are reading about Buddhism, walking in the mornings, and that sharing here has helped you!
“It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed… The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard… The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain“- the negative thoughts are connected to intense painful emotions in your brain. Imagine thinking the same thoughts but without the emotions attached to them. Imagine thoughts no longer being dangerous or scary; thoughts no longer being a source of pain.
Can you imagine that?
“I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems“- did you ask him if he feels being dragged into your problems?
Do you think that limiting the amount of time per share, or the number of shares per day or per week, is a good idea?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
The Wait is over, this part (waiting) must be a relief.. is it?
“I was very upset and I asked with the new information would make a difference, she said it might happen, but even if we need to start anything, we start from zero, which is she needs to break up first“- please don’t wait for her to start from zero: no more Waiting for her.
“She said she only decided a couple of days… She didn’t plan for the night, she expected me to just go home after talking in my house. I said I could not go back and wander around anymore“- strange that for 2 days, it didn’t occur to her that she should look for a place, so that you can have your home back. Good for you asserting yourself!
“I expected this but I guess it still hurts“- it hurts. The hurt will lessen over time and you will feel better. New life experiences are waiting for you as long as.. you are not waiting for her.
This morning I came across a post you submitted on Aug 1, 2016, way before you met your now ex-partner. You wrote back then: “I think I should just take good care of myself and heal from the trauma done to me, in order to feel love again… I have a reputation of forgetting learned lesson and fall into the same trap because of emotions etc.“- please take good care of yourself at this time, almost 8 years later, and remember learned lessons.
Please post anytime you’d like to share about how you are feeling, lessons learned, and more.
anita
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