Dear Bell:

What I sense reading your recent 2nd post, and re-reading the first is the excessive fear of being alone, aka autophobia.

“I will die without him“- fear of being alone/ without him, a fear as intense as the fear of death.

“I do believe that I have both avoidant and anxious attachment styles from having an absent father in many ways“- part of you (the anxious attachment part) is so afraid to be left alone in the future, anticipating how terrible it will be. Another part (the avoidant attachment part) is trying to put an end to the anxious anticipation of being left alone in the future.. by bringing the feared future to the present, making the breakup happen already, so you are not afraid anymore that it will happen.

“I’ve seen a psychologist once since we ‘broke up’ it did help me feel a whole lot better“-  I think that you felt so much better during and sometime after that one session with the psychologist, not only because of what she said, but because with her, you did not feel alone. You felt that you were being listened to, being attended to, being someone’s priority, as in someone cares about you…?

“I have another psychologist appointment coming up and many more to come after that one, but the time between appointments feels so long and I feel very alone“- I feel very alone, key words. During the session above you felt a whole lot better because you were not alone. But in between appointments.. you feel very alone.

“my psychologist told me that… I am trying to run away from my relationship because of a fear of being left alone“- there it is, fear of being left alone (I wrote the above before this part registered in my mind).

“The anxiety and o bad thoughts are still constant. I have been refraining from bringing these up with him and only mentioning it here and there because I do not want to worry him and upset him anymore… The pushing him away and pulling him in has been really hard for him and I hate that I’m doing this to him“- it’s kind/ loving of you to care about not worrying and upsetting him!

“I found during the time we were apart that I had this constant fear that I was nobody’s first choice anymore and I felt so alone and absolutely devastated… It’s like this horrible feeling that the world is closing in around me and I won’t ever feel happy again“- this is how autophobia feels like. This has been my experience, as I too suffer from autophobia (I didn’t know of the term until a few days ago, and I wrote about it in my own thread since).

I am guessing that growing up, you too (like me) were left terribly alone, maybe physically, maybe emotionally, being ignored, being no one’s priority?

anita

Dear Maria:

“I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success…  I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself“-

– what if you dedicated yourself so fully, so completely to being a part of something bigger than yourself, that you would become bigger than your personal anxiety (about failure and success)?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

This is what you wrote yesterday about P: “she is so negative, and she talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence. She cuts me off, I can hardly get a story out… She doesn’t listen when I talk she just waits to talk, and my patience is falling away. In trying to be a good friend I have spent time with her and just allowed her to vent“.

Today, you wrote in regard to my suggestion to disinvite P to the weekend celebration of your birthday: “This is what I want to do, but I am afraid of losing P as a friend if I do that, that I would be being a bad friend, wouldn’t I be?”-

– if you don’t disinvite her and suffer her presence during your birthday weekend (enduring her negative, on and on venting, etc.)), then you’d be a bad friend to you, wouldn’t you?

And you’d be losing you, wouldn’t you?

To be a true self (not a false self) means being a good friend to you, to not lose you.

You wrote that you plan to talk with P: “I have a feeling she will get defensive and if she does, and cannot see her negative behavior and commit to working on it, then I will attempt to disinvite her. It would be easier if I could have a conversation with her and she could remove herself from the trip”– you are afraid of being your true, assertive self, so you are hoping that she (P) will make the right choice for you. Your false self is scared to be proactive, it prefers to be reactive (to leave it up to P).

To be one’s authentic/ true self means to be assertive and kind, not one or the other.

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

“I was really annoyed with an older friend of mine… she won’t stop hammering away at how unhappy I’ll be if I don’t find someone… She keeps assuring me that ‘I’ll find someone,’“- rushing you to find someone as in saying that for a woman to be unattached/ not in a relationship is a scary thing..?

There is a term for the fear of being/ living alone, when it is excessive, it’s called autophobia. It is experienced both by people who live alone and people who live with a significant other.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quote): “Everything fell apart, so fast. I wanted to slow everything down, but couldn’t find a way, so I went no contact. It was really hard to recover… identifying a pattern in my behavior. I get excited with a connection, really get it into the other person, and then burn out. Going deep tells me to slow everything down and get to know the other person better. My own pattern feels self-destructive… I feel myself getting sucked back into a hot and heavy relationship and my insides are pleading with me to slow down in a major way“-

– I wonder if it’s the fear of being alone that’s fueling the going so fast, the rushing to secure an attachment/ a relationship, on your part and on his part?

In regard to moving too fast and getting to know who you’re moving too fast with, from an article by huff post/ 7 signs you’re moving too fast when you’re dating someone: “Trust is something that’s slowly built over time…  Make sure this person is worthy of your trust and vulnerability before you go telling them your deepest secrets… We trust through actions, not words… Romance is one of the biggest emotional roller coasters, and people are willing to take way too many unnecessary risks in the beginning…

“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love’… While being in love ― being infatuated or experiencing lust ― is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner… My advice would be to give your partner just a little trust. If they show they are worthy of that little trust, give them a little more, and so on and so forth. You earn it one bit at a time.”

From harley therapy. co. uk/ always moving too fast in a relationship: “for the most part, moving too fast in a relationship and relying on sudden infatuation is an experience that ends as quickly as it began – and often with a bump. What makes you the sort who always promises ‘never again’ but then can’t seem to stop going too fast in relationships?

“9 Reasons You Rush into Love 1. You are Codependent…. 2. You are counter dependent: The flip side of codependency, counter dependency means you fear real intimacy… 3. You have an anxious attachment style… 4. You lack boundaries… 7. You have adult ADHD or borderline personality disorder… Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don’t think things through before..  diving in – including engaging in relationships. Borderline personality disorder is another condition which can leave you prone to ‘speed relating’. If you have BPD you tend to be very emotionally intense and oversensitive with a deep fear of rejection… 8. You are a love or relationship addict. Do you rush headlong into relationships because they make you ‘feel alive’? If you have an addictive personality, other people can be the thing that creates the ‘high’ you crave…”.

Things to ponder…?

anita

Dear Maria:

You are welcome.

“There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing… to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time… for better work life balance… I am curious about how you and others might approach giving back/service and balancing that with personal joy“- for me, what I do here in the forums brings me contentment, so I don’t have to balance it with something else that would bring me contentment. I do balance the sitting down at the computer time with walking/ physically working time outdoors.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Every once in a while, I get this thought that he was fixable, but it’s just a thought and I know that is all it is. He is deceptive, especially to himself“-every once in a while, you want to help him. Every once in a while, he wants to hurt you.

“Just like alcohol and marijuana can rapidly close your third eye, so can N aka; a deceptive person“- loving a deceptive person who tries to hurt you every once in a while, closes one’s third eye.

“Our third eyes are on the same page“- (2 3rd eyes on 1 page emoji)

“A major turning point for me was also realizing I wanted an open third eye for my future kids… I saw myself becoming my mom, with a closed third eye“- part of the preparation to being a good mother.

anita