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anita

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  • in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #425041
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    Your mood probably has a lot to do with sleeping too little as a result of the nicotine and wine you consumed yesterday, and your menstrual cycle is part of it because of the hormones released.. and the reading from the book overwhelmed you.. A combination of things. I think that you should have some calming tea if you have that, or warm milk.. a hot bath and relax, calming music maybe.. Try to not think about any of what troubles you.. will you?

    anita

    in reply to: Something I realized about my anxiety attacks #425037
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mr. Ritz:

    You are very welcome.

    I will try to place myself in the OP as you call it. I think it sounds difficult to do, but I will try“- try it when you experience smaller distress than anxiety attacks so that you get experience and have a bigger chance of success when an anxiety attack happens. There are online worksheets on mindfulness skills, emotion regulation skills/ distress tolerance that include information and guidance on how to pause between a difficult emotion and the overreacting to it (getting consumed/ overwhelmed by it). One way to pause is to remove your attention from the center of the emotion.. to a distance away, and observe the difficult emotion from that distance.

    Post again anytime, Mr. Ritz. I would like to read from you about how things progress.

    anita

    in reply to: What’s my purpose who am I #425022
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon: You are doing fine. Simply address the member you are responding to, just you did above: “(member’s name)____..response to the particular member.

    anita

    in reply to: Something I realized about my anxiety attacks #425019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mr. Ritz:

    You mentioned taking various psychiatrist drugs aimed at treating major depression (SSRI antidepressants) and anxiety disorders.

    I need a Klonopin about every 2 days.. . I’m trying not to get a tolerance to it where it won’t work anymore, so I avoid taking unless I just can’t stand the anxiety anymore“-

    – Klonipin (Clonazepam), is a highly addictive benzodiazepine prescribed for anxiety, seizures, etc., it is supposed to be prescribed short term because it is very addictive. But I was on Klonipin for 17 years, taking 4 milligrams of it every single day. In the last couple of years of taking it, I tried to get off it but the anxiety I felt while withdrawing was too intense (way more intense than the anxiety predating psychiatric drugs), and I failed to successfully withdraw every time I tried. Finally, I succeeded withdrawing  back in October of 2013, ten years ago. I will tell you how I did it in a moment.

    Woke up today with a fast heartbeat and a knot in my stomach….not reason, just another panicky day… this anxiety has been going on for years“-

    – Back in 2021 I had a unique experience, one I didn’t have before: on my daily walk in the forestry area where I live, I heard and then saw what looked like a big, beautiful dog with white and grey fur. It passed me on my left, running and panting,  and then, it made a sharp turn and positioned itself in front of me, looking at me up and down, not moving otherwise.

    There was no one there, on that private road at the time. It was just me and it. It was then that I realized that it was not a dog but a big, strong coyote. It was looking me up and down, checking if I was a good idea to pursue as breakfast. I figured its friends were hiding near by and it could be a group killing. It was a potential predator-prey moment, a very long moment.

    Looking back, the fear that I felt then, in that real-and-present danger situation, was very different from the anxiety I felt for decades. At the time,  I wasn’t aware of my heart beating or of any physical manifestations of fear. I was singularly focused on the coyote, and not at all on my physical sensations. It felt like being suspended in time, as in a different world, a very raw, very real situation.

    I had nothing on me to protect myself. picked up a stick and threw it at the coyote but he didn’t budge. Eventually, a vehicle drove by and the coyote ran away.

    The reason I am telling you this is that as a result of that experience, I realize what anxiety is about, that “no reason (no clear and present danger situation), just another panicky day anxiety:

    When anxious, we are focused on- and scared of- our physical reactions to fear: the heartbeat, the change of temperature, the racing of thoughts, etc. When scared in a real-and-present-danger situation, there is no thinking, no noticing of physical sensations: we are afraid of the real danger out there, not of how fear feels inside us.

    You wrote back in May 4 this year: “my heart was beating fast and uneven, and I was hot and sweaty. I took a Xanax”- reads like indeed it was your physical reactions to fear that scared you, and therefore, you took Xanax.

    Back to how I stopped Klonipin back in Oct 2013: I was on the last day of taking a very small part of a Klonipin tablet,  after a very gradual withdrawal over months. It was evening and I felt the beginning of an anxiety attack, feeling that I was getting consumed by the attack and that no way can I survive it and that I have to take more Klonipin right there and then.

    It is then that I remembered an exercise I read about and I did it: I went (figuratively, of course) to a place in my brain that wasn’t panicking, the Observant Part, if you will (you can call it OP), and from there I observed the panicking part.. and as a result, I was no longer panicking.

    Maybe, just maybe, what I shared above an help you somewhat.

    anita

    in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #425018
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    * A comment following having just read the ending of your post from this morning, and having just completed my long reply this morning (about to submit it in a moment): you had a tough time most recently and probably a challenging day at work, so please rest and take your time before reading this reply. You can postpone reading it to tomorrow, or even longer. Also, you can read one part, and read another part at a later time. No reason to rush.

    I will respond to your 2 responses in this reply:

    I feel like there are two battles I am fighting at the same time. One being the majority of what has been on this forum, projecting F into N and all those consequences, then battle two of even if I am totally healed is N the right person for me… one (battle) needs to happen before two can“-

    -it’s about removing the projection of F into N and seeing N for who he is as the projection is peeled off of him. It can’t be a neat process where one step is completed before the other can begin. it will be a mix of both happening.

    “I am not sure if my feeling that N doesn’t understand me outside of my cage is me projecting F into him or if it is what is really happening, or both!”- do you understand yourself outside of your cage, do you have a clear image/ understanding of who you are outside the cage?

    I mean, if you haven’t fully lived outside the cage yet (beyond doing art, acting in a play, etc.) then you only have a feeling/ an impression, here and there, of what it would feel like, look like, sound like…?

    At this moment in time, I would like to focus on battle one, as we have been doing. I want to heal my relationship with hatchling, gain her trust, even if that means losing N. I just really want to be clear on what hatchling needs before I make that drastic decision though because he means a lot to Seaturtle“- reads like a sensible plan!

    Have you read the book the Untethered Soul?“- I heard of the book but didn’t read it.

    When you phrase it this way, that hatchling is operating in me as an observer“-

    – I wasn’t clear when I wrote: “becoming aware of hatchling and how she operates within you as an observer, observing her from some distance“:  I didn’t mean that hatchling should operate in you as an observer. I meant the other way around. Back to the example of the child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket, if there is a parent around observing the child, then the parent can make sensible decisions for the child. But if the child is there all by herself (akin to an adult who is completely identified with her inner-child, no distance/ separation  between the two), the child will not make sensible choices for herself.

    would it be correct to say that both hatchling and Seaturtle observe each other then and also both act?“- I am sorry about not being clear in the sentence I wrote because it takes away from correct understanding. It is not hatchling’s job to observe Seaturtle any more than it is a real-life child’s job to observe and understand and take care of a parent. It is Seaturtle’s job to observe and understand hatchling.

    Are drug addicts/alcoholics run by their inner child?“- initially, yes. But after addiction develops, they are run by the addiction itself.

    Sometimes after what has felt like a long day I crave a couple glasses of wine, I wonder if giving in to this want is in response to hatchling having a sort of tantrum? Or even actual food/ice cream cravings, are all non essential cravings hatchling?“-hatchling needs to feel better and food, ice cream and wine (not necessarily at the same time, lol) makes her feel better, this is why she wants those things. It is Seaturtle’s job (much like it’d be a responsible parent’s job) to decide how much of these things to allow hatchling to have at any one time.

    “Is proper self care the answer to unhealthy cravings in general?“- responsible supervision and parenting of hatchling by Seaturtle is an essential part of self-care. Seaturtle needs to not be too strict with hatchling. Better give hatchling some ice- cream twice a week, let’s say, instead of.. never. The latter will create cravings.

    and maybe even addiction?”- treating addiction is complex.

    “Why does hatchling make herself known outside of the home, how is she more known outside of the right context (home)?”- hatchling needs to be free to be herself (to be known to herself and to others) in every context, every day. She gets to be herself when drawing, painting and acting in a play, but she needs more opportunities to be her true self.. opportunities to discover who she is (to become known to herself).

    Is the positive attention that she/I need personal to hatchling? Or is it just typical self care like spa days, keeping your home and body clean in general?“- it is both, personal positive attention and general self-care. If indeed, hatchling’s experience with her father is as significant to her as I believe it is, then the personal attention she needs is to be heard, to be able to tell her story as it truly is.

    I am trying to imagine as if she were a child out of my body, how to make her feel cared for and to trust me. I want to be there for myself. I want to be here for me“- you’d need to be there not for your father (still trying to please him, still seeing him more positively than he is), but be there for hatchling and listen to what she is trying to tell you about this very important person (her father) and relationship in her life.

    Yes they (F and N) are similar in the way of being money driven in their careers. Whereas I am taking a different route, I am trying to follow what I love and I am narrowing in on it“-

    – it may be that you are compensating your father for having a different daughter (different from F) by giving your father a similar future son-in-law  (similar to your father). It may be that you are giving yourself the freedom to be different from your father because of this exchange.

    “Saturday morning N and I went to breakfast. We had a nice night together after my play, and I love going out to breakfast in the morning…  I asked him, ‘through all the parts of living together… why did you decide to stay with me?‘ and he said ‘Because we always came to a compromise, you listened to my perspective and understood in the end, you are really good at that.’..  my following thoughts:… Do I want this relationship if he only loves me because I am fun, pretty, and above average at communicating?. These thoughts are not new, but it was unpleasant to feel them when we are having a good morning”-

    – my understanding: hatchling has been trying so hard to gain her father’s approval by behaving in ways that would gain his approval, ways that didn’t feel true to her, or didn’t yet feel true to her (hatchling needed time and opportunities to become her true, genuine self).  Whenever she succeeded in getting F’s (temporary, conditional) approval, she said to herself something like: he didn’t approve of the true me, he approved of the fake me. The result: even when you received his approval at any one time, you never received approval for who you truly were/ who you were yet to be.

    my in-box version. I describe this as my behaviors that made my dad happy, when I was (trying to be) money driven, athletic outdoors, sporty, a left-brained thinker, believing that feelings are mostly not real, working hard, no breaks!“-

    – hatchling didn’t have the opportunity to discover, over time, if she is money driven or not. She didn’t feel safe to discover, to develop, to become herself. There was a more urgent need: to get F’s approval, so.. without knowing who she is, without becoming through experience who she genuinely is/ would be, she took on behaviors that were not (and could not have been) authentic to her.

    in general, the box required me to live in a more masculine energy, and that is not who I am“- living in the box/ cage is all about trying to get F’s approval, and masculine energy is what seemed to get his (temporary, conditional) approval.

    Now here are examples of him (N) encouraging my in-the-box version (aka what my dad would also say): -M asked me if I wanted to join an indoor soccer team with her and I told N and he said ‘you should do that!’ in an excited tone… I am having a hard time coming up with specifics, by I feel he supports me in the box..”- in all your examples,  I see nothing that suggests that N supports you living in a cage, or of placing your femininity in a cage. So far, seems to me that this part is all an inaccurate projection of F into N.

    This morning I feel not well in my head… I smoked a vape for the first time a couple weeks ago after drinking for fun with friends, the combination was so relaxing I craved it again about 4 times since, twice now I have been alone. I don’t feel good after I feel dry and my throat hurts, I don’t want to be addicted to this drug so I limit it to when I drink wine“-

    – I suggested earlier to allow hatchling some ice cream twice a week or so, so that she doesn’t crave ice cream. I am not extending this suggestion to vaping. Inhaling a dangerous substance by choice is not ice cream. Better prevent a nicotine addiction by never vaping again. It’s okay to limit wine but it’s.. very unwise to limit vaping: don’t vape/ smoke at all.

    “I sell art in a gallery and it was first fun, now I feel it is mundane and boring“- I want to make a point here in regard to being authentic: being authentic does not mean always or even often feeling excited. Being authentic, living an authentic life includes doing what is beneficial to do when it’s boring to do. Being authentically bored.. is part of being authentic.

    “I began reading my inner child book I recently started…  But the book took me down a dark path…  my body literally had a millisecond of a seizure…  my body just fully twitched. I finished the chapter, with a feeling like I am not in control of this terror I feel inside…  I feel like hatchling is terrified”- put the book away and don’t read from it anymore. This book, of the self-help genre,  I imagine (didn’t read it) is not helpful to you. It overwhelmed hatchling… She needs small pieces of information, a bit at a time.. not a whole book thrown at her.

    Whenever you read my posts, if you feel distressed, take a break, don’t keep going.

    “I do not feel good this morning, but I can’t call out of work again. Maybe my cycling class will help me sleep tonight. I hope it is a low maintenance day at work. My vibrations feel low and threatened”- when you have a chance, after work.. or tomorrow, whenever it is convenient for you,  let me know how your day go, will you?

    anita

     

    in reply to: Something I realized about my anxiety attacks #425014
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mr. Ritz: I will reply to your post from yesterday and from today in about an hour or two.

    anita

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #425008
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stacy:

    You are welcome, I am glad you liked the poem!

     “I saw he was capable and willing to meet my needs and expectations from the get-go“- I think that this was a false belief on your part, and that in reality he was not capable of meeting your needs, not from the get go, and not at any time during the relationship (or after).

    Think of it: you thought he was capable from the get-go.. before really getting to know him. To me, it means that you were so desperate (then and still) to get your needs met(a need for self-esteem, for one) that you only imagined that he was capable.

    until something changed his mind about us. Knowing SOMETHING changed feels personal as he was super into us before. And this is why I do feel I was too much for him“- whatever changed in his mind, in reality, is not the difference between your needs being met AND your needs not being met. But for as long as you (falsely) believe that he was capable of what he was not capable of, the fact that he changed his mind feels .. catastrophic, and (using the first words of the title of your thread) “Extremely painful“.

    So you’re saying that even if I finally got with someone who was a healthy fit for me, it still wouldn’t work out until I became securely attached in myself?“-

    – not exactly: a man who is a healthy fit for you (a man capable in his own life) could have helped you in your mission and overall journey to become securely attached in yourself (using your words). But your ex-boyfriend was not a healthy fit for you because he was not capable in his own life: he lived with his parents, didn’t have plans to move out, didn’t have a formal education or a career, made money mostly by dog sitting, and his interest has become an online influencer (not in getting an education, not in starting a career).

    There is nothing about what you shared about him in your 7-page thread that makes me think that he was capable of helping you in any way. I think that his words at times made you feel very good, but that good feeling didn’t last and couldn’t last.

    I keep getting reminded lately of when he admitted to me early on that he was struggling about his ex…  He said he felt anger and shame for being cheated on“-

    – On Sept 6, in your original post, you wrote: “He has never had a real relationship/girlfriend until me, all his others were failed situationships and hookups“- I didn’t know there was such a thing as cheating in the situationship or hookup that he had with this particular woman you refer to as his ex.

    Yet when he broke up with ME, he was indifferent and wouldn’t even allow me to fight for us. There was no fight for us or passion or pain in losing me that night and since then in him. I see he’s capable of feeling pain and loss for people as he showed me with his ex. Does this mean he actually didn’t feel strongly towards me in the first place like he did her as I feared all along?“-

    – I think that you view him as a much deeper, contemplative man than he really is. It is you, Stacy, who thinks and feels a lot. He doesn’t. After all, you shared that he is on “ADHD and depression meds” (original post) and both the mental disorders and the meds’ side effects affect a person’s cognitive abilities, including the ability to keep a thought in the mind for long.

    I’m bitter that I wasn’t fought for but someone he didn’t even get to date over the span of two months who cheated on him can cause him so much distress“-

    – (1) I don’t think that he experienced as much distress, or for long, that you think he experienced over the other woman. (2) He didn’t fight for her either: “he written her a long and scathing good riddance paragraph,.. and that he realized it was pointless so he just deleted the paragraph instead and blocked her“- no fighting there.

    hoping that maybe it wasn’t that I was too much for him or anything I did to cause him to bail, but that he really isn’t equipped or willing to show up for anyone“- I think it’s  both: he isn’t equipped to have a healthy relationship and you were too much for him. ANY WOMAN would be too much for him because he isn’t more equipped to have a healthy relationship than he is to lead a healthy, independent life overall.

    “I do hope to find power in my heart and the power to carry on because every single day is such a struggle to have any hope“-

    – The poet Emily Dickinson, in her poem HOPE uses the metaphor of “Hope” being likened unto a bird that does not disappear when it encounters hardships or “storms”. Here is the first public version of the poem:

    “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul,- And sings the tune without the words,- And never stops at all,

    And sweetest in the Gale is heard;- And sore must be the storm- That could abash the little bird- That kept so many warm.

    I ‘ve heard it in the chillest land,- And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity,- It asked a crumb of me”

    anita

    in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424999
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle: I will get back to you in the morning. Have a good evening and night!

    anita

    in reply to: Something I realized about my anxiety attacks #424997
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mr. Ritz:

    Welcome back, good to read from you again!

    I still want to find the root cause of my anxiety if possible“- what about what we discussed May 2016- Dec 2022 in your previous six threads, in regard to the cause root of your anxiety?

    anita

    in reply to: I changed jobs / feeling sad and scared #424996
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    I was introduced to the topic of the inner child by John Bradshaw in his book: Homecoming: reclaiming and championing your inner child. Can you download it, or find excerpts from the book and read. Or listen to an audio of the book, and then get back to me and tell me your thoughts about it?

    You are not sure that the employers are trying to use you, right? Can there be another explanation as to why you are given more work than other people (other people doing the same type work as you and getting paid the same.. or more)?

    I feel sad that you are so unhappy with the late hours and I wonder if you get enough rest and sleep…?

    anita

     

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #424980
    anita
    Participant

    * I quoted the same sentence twice in the paragraph above the poem.. my mistake.

     

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #424979
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stacy:

    Good to read back from you! Lately, you’ve been driving your car, working 6-7 days a week so to pay for the $800 car repair bill (and the expected medical appointment bill next month). Your eating problem has been flaring up badly, making you anxious. You are still in no-contact with the guy but you follow his social media activity and read about his attachment style. The breakup is still painful and getting even more painful, and your stress level is high.

    In regard to “(I) agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me“- what I said was that no man “could have possibly given me what I needed… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem”, etc. People could have helped me, but they couldn’t have given me what I needed.

    “I was determined to finally speak EVERY SINGLE feeling and concern … All this breakup has shown me was that speaking my needs gets me dumped… I am too much“- you need more than any man can give you, but you believe that he was able, if he chose to, to give you what you need, and that he is still able to. This is why you told him your every feeling and concern, similar to telling a doctor one’s every medical symptom because one believes that the doctor is able to treat the symptoms successfully.

    And this is why, post breakup, you still follow him on social media, and why you’ve been reading about his attachment style, trying to understand him better, so to .. somehow bring him back to your life and give you what you need.

    “It’s really hard to be hopeful that one day I will conquer any pent up trauma stored in my body if I just keep re-doing this daily. Kind of like what we talked about a month or two ago..  how the body can only handle so many cortisol spikes….my pain and grief about this has only been increasing with time.. ” I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices… I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices”-

    – It’s not that I feel safe, it’s that I feel more courage than I ever did before. I want to paste here a poem about fear and courage that I found online recently:

    “Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
    Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
    But we must not let it take control,
    For in our hearts lies a power so bold.

    It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
    Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
    But we must not listen to its lies,
    For within us, a fire burns bright.

    We must stand tall and face the fear,
    With a courage that is so rare,
    For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
    And our fears become a thing no longer.

    We must take a step forward, then two,
    And walk towards the unknown,
    For the journey ahead may be tough,
    But with determination, we’ve got enough.

    We must break free from fear’s grip,
    And not let it hold us down with its whip,
    For we are brave, we are strong,
    And we have the power to carry on.

    We must embrace the challenges ahead,
    And not let fear fill us with dread,
    For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
    And our courage will shout out loud.

    So let us all rise above the fear,
    And show the world what we hold dear,
    For we are not defined by what we fear,
    But by the bravery that we hold near.

    So let us all stand tall, with grace,
    And let our courage light up the place,
    For we have the power to defy the fear,
    And show the world that we are here”.

    Stacy, (using the words in the poem): may you discover the bold power in your heart; may you stand tall with courage so rare and light up the place; may you grow stronger, take a step forward, then two, and rise above, with determination. You have enough.

    Show the world that you are here.

    anita

    in reply to: Crushed by mid-life breakup #424978
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    You are very welcome.

    “how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation? I have this guarded optimism that I’m trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and it’s hard to get to that middle ground”-

    – the answer is in the poem I quoted above: “in our heart lies power so bold… We must stand tall and face the fear, with a courage… We must break free from fear’s grip, and not let it hold us down with its whip… So let us all rise above the fear and show the world what we hold dear… So let us all stand tall“-

    – back to your question: “how does one go about guarding your heart in such a situation?”- by adopting a new attitude: not that of guarding your heart, but the opposite. The guarding of the heart in itself is keeping the fear in it. Do this exercise, if you will: stand up hunched over, with the shoulders turned inward as in guarding your heart. This is the position that maintains fear, keeping the fear in the heart. Next, stand tall with your shoulders straight (not at all rounded), your head held high, this is the position of power, of allowing the fear to exit your heart.

    It is the sense of power, of standing up to fear, that defeats fear.

    Youn can do one or more of the chest opener exercises. A simple one is standing straight with both your arms stretched to the sides, parallel to the ground, in a way that opens your chest/ heart, pushing your chest forward. Hold this position for a moment or two, feeling it, feeling the power in exposing your heart (vs hiding/ guarding it).

    Back to part of your question: “I have this guarded optimism that I’m trying to hold in check… I vacillate between the two and it’s hard to get to that middle ground“- don’t guard your optimism, don’t hold it in check, don’t vacillate, don’t seek the middle ground. Instead: commit to the physical and mental position of power. But there is a catch: your power is NOT about what your wife will do, what she will choose to do. Your power is about you standing tall no matter what she chooses.

    Your power needs to not depend on her.

    anita

    in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #424977
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    I read your wish that I sleep well last (Sun) night and although I was too awake for some of the night, eventually I slept well. Thank you! I am impressed that you found the time to reply yesterday, being that you were busy with obligations in regard to the Shakespearean play you are part of. Plus, I don’t expect you to reply on weekends.

    (F) offers to pay for N’s ticket to come on family trips and he even lets us have our own room and space. It seems like he encourages the relationship“- he is encouraging and supporting the relationship big time.

    “I fear making decisions out of what my dad wants, because it got me nowhere for so long and prevented me from actually discovering what I wanted and who I was. So when my dad supports the decision I think It makes me wonder why I want it, is it because I am still being controlled. by him? Or do I trust my own pull towards N“-

    – you don’t know then if your pull towards N is about your need to please F (being controlled by this need) OR it is a pull that is free from this need.

    “We spent Saturday together this week and I actually spoke with him about this caged girl, I told him what the cage’s requirements were and how it held me from being truly feminine and curvy, and sensitive…. he followed it by saying ‘Do what you need to do baby, I trust your feelings‘”- no evidence yet that he prefers the girl in the box.

    “After finally getting a whole day alone yesterday I feel more supported by him… I think he does encourage me to leave that cage, but I think I am very afraid of coming out of the cage and not being accepted by him… Just as the uncaged girl was not accepted by F and put into the cage by him. It is like hatchling is coming out, and afraid another man will throw her back in. If I get the slightest sense of N doing this, a whole alarm system goes on in my nervous system”-

    – make a commitment to hatchling that you will be there for her every step of the way as she leaves the box, tell her that you will not put her back in the cage no matter what N or anyone does.

    do I trust my own pull towards N“?- hatchling needs to trust Seaturtle. This is why it is necessary that you make hatchling a PROMISE: to take her hand and walk her through leaving the box and moving away from the box step by step, staying away from it forevermore, no matter what anyone says or does.

    anita

    in reply to: Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad #424965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mercury:

    (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “He is the most loving person I’ve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time… he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope, and why he was looking forward for the future, how he wanted to marry me, how we could never love anyone else, how he’d imagined we’d last forever, how all he’s been doing was to have a good life with me, and when he said all this over and over fighting off tears…. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless….I wanted to die“-

    -Love doesn’t cause the supposed loved-one (you) to feel wretched, dirty, cruel, heartless and wanting to die. Guilt-tripping does that, not love.

    Here is how a loving reaction would have sounded like, coming from him, 12 days after you asked for a break and telling him that you need more time (him saying something like this): I understand that you’ve been unhappy with me for a long time, and that it took courage on your part to ask for a break. Thank you for doing the right thing for yourself, asking for this break and for more time. I am sad to be away from you, but I will be okay. It is my job to be okay, and it is your job is to make yourself okay. If a longer break or even a breakup is what it takes for you to be okay, then that’s what it takes.

    “I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my father’s advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this man’s life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end… He asked how I’m any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him?”-

    – this is guilt tripping coming from your father. What a shame! As far as your reasons for wanting to leave the guy: you have the right, legal and otherwise, to leave a boyfriend (with whom you have no children and no marriage) for whatever reason.

    “I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart”- no wonder you fear God will punish you after your (ex?) boyfriend and your father inflicted the Guilt Tripping Punishment (GTP) on you.

    and I’m entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway… I don’t know what to do“- don’t give in and volunteer to suffer further from the GTP that was unfairly and unkindly inflicted on you. It is not a sin to end a relationship with a man you are NOT married with: nowhere in the bible does it state that it’s a sin.. does it?

    anita

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