Dear Jim:

I just lost my reply to you that took me a couple of hours to put together, in the usual way I reply: quoting from you, responding, then reading what’s next, quoting and responding, etc. Since I already read and studied all of your original post, I will respond differently, and my reply will be shorter:

Most of the interpersonal abuse in our world is not carried out cold-heatedly, in a cool, planned, rational way. It is carried out in the heat of the moment, while the abuser is distressed.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “She feels insecure in my opinion of her physically and emotionally and fears rejections SO much that it frequently (on average every 2 or 3 weeks) leads to an event where she simply cannot control her fear of being left or abandoned for one reason or another and this results in long bouts of crying, screaming and abuse towards me. She calls it ‘blind anger’, says it rarely happened before me… I’m a very placid and nonconfrontational person, patient and gentle“-

– Seems to me that these are abusive events where she could control her fear but chooses not to, because her abuse is about controlling you so that you don’t leave her. She chooses to express her (not so blind) anger with you because you are placid and non-confrontational, patient and gentle.. so you are safe for her to.. explode.

“and she always feels regretful and remorseful afterwards“- in line with the pattern of abuse.

“Our therapist has identified that the strength of our relationship and how right I am for her has probably opened up deep trauma for her”– I think that your therapist is wrong, and that it is not the strength of the relationship that opened up her deep trauma. I think that it is the fact that you accept her abuse non-confrontationally that is giving her the opportunity to express herself in these ways,  feeling safe enough- with you- to do so.

“Our therapist has also explained to me how the void created during these moments of abandonment can be total, all consuming and utterly petrifying- the person ultimately does not exist in these moments- it’s far worse than anxiety, it’s something else entirely- something most of us could never really relate to“- reads like the therapist is suggesting that she is not in control of her behavior during those events of “blind anger”, as if these are psychotic episodes in which she is not aware at all of what is happening.

Are these events happen only in private, not in public… or does she explode regardless of who might be witnessing her explosions? I am guessing it’s the former.

“I recently responded, smashed my phone and upturned a table- the most outwardly frustrated I have become about anything, maybe in my whole life. I would never under any circumstances be violent towards her or anyone though. The way these events unfold is that her anxiety begins to pick and pick away at me and not let me go, demanding answers to unanswerable questions to try and pacify herself, even though that is unachievable. I try to keep calm but I am often goaded into saying things I don’t mean, which are then fuel to the fire”-

– it is she who is picking and picking away at you and not letting you go, it is she who is demanding answers to unanswerable questions, etc., it is she who is abusing you, and you reacted out of your character because of her abuse.

“How do you love someone who is (I’m sorry to say it, but she uses the term herself frequently) so broken, and protect and allow yourself to flourish?…Almost every day there is something low level upsetting, if not major. Yesterday she told me all the intrusive thoughts came back because I didn’t return my arm around her when sleeping and she felt unloved…. Every time we have a major incident I feel weak and want to end things… I wonder whether the next time will be the time that I break“- her abuse is weakening and breaking you. You live as if on a minefield, never knowing what word that you say or fail to say, what act, however innocent, will bring about her explosion.

“She has told me she feels worthless at times and wants to end her life. A couple of times she has threatened to harm herself if I walk out of the door“- threatening self-harm and suicide is a manipulative tactic practiced (in the heat of the moment) so to prevent you from leaving her.

“I have horrible positive feelings sometimes about the relief I would get from it coming to an end. If I knew she would be okay, even in the relatively short term, I think I would end things“- her manipulative tactics have been successful so far. And I am thinking, she has no motivation to be okay because.. if she’d be okay, she’d lose her control over you, and you’d leave her.

“Today we went to look at a house with a view to move in together because her lease ends in March. It’s a big step obviously. I feel so unsure of what we both might be getting into“- you’d be deeper in a trap.

“I need hope that things will get better, but I don’t know if I feel it or it’s possible. I try to encourage her to think positively but even that seems something she can’t commit to”- for the relationship to work out, she will have to acknowledge that she has been abusing you, she will have to commit to never abuse you again, no matter how she feels. She’ll have to practice emotion regulation skills better, every day and protect (not abuse) you and the relationship.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome! “I agree with you but how should I deal with this?… I want to be ready for the future”, you wrote in regard to pushing away love because of fear. My answer for now: (1) become more aware of this dynamic within you, of wanting love on the one hand, and being afraid of it on the other. Get to know yourself more,  get further educated in this regard.

(2) Develop emotion regulation skills so that when you feel distressed- in the future, when in a relationship- you will be able to calm yourself down and think rationally about the situation, correctly evaluate it before impulsively reacting to it, and make thoughtful choices.

In regard to not accepting her love, you wrote: “I never blamed myself for this… But still I am filled with regret and resentment, thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should I let go of this regret?”-

– To attempt to answer these questions, I need to understand the resentment part of your natural response in regard to not having accepted her love. There is anger in resentment: who were you angry with, in this context, and what was your anger about?

“My emotions were always numbed with SK”- this seems incongruent with what you shared in your original post about the relationship with her: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship, from the start we were really close..  the first months were really awesome..  I also fell head over heels for her“- this doesn’t read like numb emotions on your part. Can you help me understand?

“I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I burst out with anger sometimes too”- Again, I would like to understand your anger better: what was it about, at the time?

“But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself to her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more… I had FOMO“- … and I would like to understand your fear-of-missing-out better: missing out on what exactly…?

“Maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never sought emotional dependence apart from the times when I was bullied and cried in front of my father“-

– when you sought emotional help from your father (acting emotional dependent on him, in that one time),  after having been bullied in school, when you cried in front of him… how did he react? Did he shame you for crying?

When SK sought emotional help from you, acting emotionally dependent on you, did it make you angry that she is.. allowing herself a privilege that was denied from you: the privilege to act weak, dependent?

“Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds”- would you like to elaborate on that experience, what happened after those few seconds…?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Jan 30, 2024 (page 26): ” I would love to venture further on caring for my inner child, seeing myself so that in my next relationship my expectations/needs are not too high for one person. I want to discover more about myself, what my childhood has caused me to need in adulthood“.

Oct 11, 2023 (page 1): ” I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist. I believe both my parents are on this spectrum…   Every 3 months, not an exaggeration, we (your father & yourself)  would have what he began to call ‘house cleaning’ where we would sit down and he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house.  I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset…. This all has followed me, I worry my partner doesn’t think of me, when he doesn’t put the toilet seat down my head tells me he doesn’t think about me at all. My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home I was expected to come had conversation with him… If my boyfriend is showering by the time I come over I think, ‘wait why couldn’t he plan his shower so he would be out when I got here, he must not care very much about our time together‘…  all these are ways my mind just was exhausted living with him and I needed to get away from”-

– If you left any trace of yourself at your father’s house, he would get upset. He demanded to be The Only One in his house. This excessive, narcissistic need on his part to be attended to and prioritized at the expense of you, led to your excessive need to be thoroughly seen and prioritized. It’s a 180 degree response: from zero (no trace of you allowed to be, none prioritized) to 180 (LOTS of you must be seen, allowed to be expressed, and prioritized.. and it could never be enough. It’s about trying to over compensate for not having been seen and prioritized.

Did we talk about this topic thoroughly?… I don’t think that we did.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I was wondering about you…!!!

“Throughout this conversation we have spoken about so many things, of those things I would love to venture further on caring for my inner child, seeing myself so that in my next relationship my expectations/needs are not too high for one person. I want to discover more about myself, what my childhood has caused me to need in adulthood”-

– here is an idea: in your mind, in a meditative/ calm state of mind, visualize a parent you wish you had, a Fantasy Mother or a Fantasy Father (you choose the gender) and type away how this fantasy parent is behaving with you/ parenting you in different scenarios, different ages (2 scenarios or more). You can bring to memory scenarios from your childhood, and seeing how your real-life mother or real-life father behaved in those scenarios, think of how differently your fantasy parent would have behaved, and type it away. We’ll take it from there.

“I would also like to talk more about what my purpose is here, when we spoke of dancing, that idea has stuck with me, but I am not sure where to start. I fear never accomplishing anything great and only starting projects that I then tire from”- why do you feel the need to accomplish anything GREAT, and by great, do you mean something that will bring you fame, popularity, the esteem of many… anything like that?

“I am highly considering yoga-teacher training school, it would start in April and go for one year“- research and read what working yoga instructors share about their experience: how different it turned out to be working as yoga instructors from what they imagined it’d be like..?

“I also don’t want to overwhelm you with this task of helping me find my way“- if I feel overwhelmed, I should pace myself and take breaks. I appreciate your concern!

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

What I am getting in touch with this morning in regard to your relationship with SK is how conflicted you were about her and the relationship from the starting of the relationship and always (or almost always), as you said yourself in your most recent post: “From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong… The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings“.

In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.

In your original post, you wrote: “I read articles on Tiny Buddha, trying to pressure myself to change to accept the love she gave, the caring, but it did not happen“- this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.

“SK got very codependent, she had her anxiety issues and always texted me and used to be on the phone. I got angry with her… It got so codependent that she used to sleep on the phone with me, when I went on a trip with friends, she was on the phone a whole night. Slowly I got irritated with it“- her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.

“I started maintaining some distance. I wanted to fall in love with her, but something kept stopping me“- could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life (“things at home were not good, I self harmed myself a few times“) kept stopping you.

“She never met me much.. many times denied me to meet me physically because she had her studies. Which I understand now, I created pressure on her“- here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around.

“SK was very arrogant and rarely said sorry, may times she made the relationship about her“- this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence.

In your 2nd post, you wrote: “She also failed to make time for dates when we were together“- again, this doesn’t fit the behavior of a codependent person.

“What made me scared to love her was that I won’t get to explore more. She was my first intimate relationship. I tried to break up several times stating I want a more casual relationship“- part of you did not want to be with her.

“SK had suicidal thoughts sometimes, and was anxious almost all the time… I’m always anxious when I wake up and miss her and our relationship“- you are both anxious individuals.

Back to your most recent post: “Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?“- can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.

“I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone“- it seems like you fit an anxious-avoidant attachment style and that she may fit the anxious, (or  a disorganized) attachment style.

From psychology today (I am adding the boldface feature to the quote): “People with an anxious attachment style and those with an avoidant attachment style are often attracted to each other… People with an anxious attachment style tend to fear abandonment and seek closeness and reassurance from their partners. They may feel anxious and insecure when their partner is unavailable or distant, often seeking constant validation and reassurance…

“People with an avoidant attachment style are often uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may value their independence and autonomy. They may feel uncomfortable with intimacy and may tend to distance themselves emotionally or physically when relationships become too close or demanding…

“The dynamics between anxious and avoidant attachment styles can create a push-pull relationship dynamic. People with an anxious attachment style may pursue closeness and reassurance from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness or demands for intimacy.

“This difference between the two attachment styles can lead to a cycle of pursuing and distancing behaviors in which no one gets their needs met in the relationship….  The push-pull dynamic between an anxious and avoidant partner can be challenging and lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction. The anxious partner may constantly feel on edge and insecure due to the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. In contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed and pressured by the anxious partner’s need for closeness. This dynamic can result in a cycle of emotional distancing and re-engagement, causing stress and instability in the relationship“.

I boldfaced above what seems to fit your experience of the relationship with SK, including the strong attraction to her (“It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”), and the strong push and pull element, on your part (“I broke up with her..  got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“).

You shared: “My mother was also always depressed and cried a lot“- was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?

anita

Dear Robert:

“I just want to ask, do you think she rejected me before I could reject her?  Did I push her away? Did she genuinely just lose feelings?“- I don’t know. Reads to me that she is not well emotionally, that she is confused, conflicted and thinks little of herself, and that it’s not likely that a relationship with her would have worked out because of her mental state.

I understand you withdrawing from her temporarily after she told you about having a sugar daddy, given that you were emotionally attached to her by that point.

anita

Dear Peace:

You are very welcome and thank you (!!!) for your kinds words of appreciation, and for giving me and this forum credit for your amazing progress. The great majority of the credit belongs to you, to your mother who although imperfect (and no one is perfect…) was kind and never scolded you, and to your husband whose presence in your life made you a calmer, healthier person. You are a blessing in this forum, in the forums in general and in my mind and heart!

anita

Dear Renn:

“With regard to not always letting myself experience emotions fully: I think I kind of mean there comes a point where I’m just like ‘what’s the point moping’… It’s just like ‘we’re all still alive and happy so its fine’ Quite often in situations I just don’t bring it up  and genuinely it just stops bothering me… I just think there’s often bigger fish to fry and what I consider important/a big thing maybe isn’t always the same to the people I’m around“-

– I am bamboozled (I like the word I just used) by your maturity and healthy state of mind!!!

“To be honest, the biggest things to me that I would really lay it all on the line for are just a few of my family and the farm I pretty much live at, my animals and stuff. I’ve got a really close best friend from this farm who shares a lot of her central values with me. I don’t think anyone could ever get between me and these few things. So anything else ever is just… not AS important to me… That’s I think what I mean, probably sounds really weird!“-

– no, it sounds to me really healthy and mature. As I read the paragraph I quoted right above, I tried to memorize it and apply it to my own life. I wish many people read it..!!!

“And the ‘therapist friend’ thing: I’m very black and white, like brutally honest I think… I as a kid..  could always tell when people said something they didn’t mean, and it used to bother me…  I’ve taken the stance that if someone’s clearly not fully divulging how they feel then there’s no use pushing them into it even if I know what they really feel like“-

– I am continuously bamboozled in a very positive way by what I am reading!  To summarize your wisdom in this post: 1) You know your  solid values and priorities (family, farm, super close friends), you are anchored in them, and so, you don’t get blown away in the wind by less important things, (2) You understand that what you consider important is not what everyone considers important, (3) You understand that when people don’t say the truth about how they feel, when they are beating behind the bush, it’d be a bad idea to push them to say how they truly feel. You understand that for many, it’s not easy to be straight talkers, but it is your preference and choice

“People in general really hate the brutal honesty (but respect it) and therefore may come to me for advice“- can you give me an example of a brutally honest advice that you gave someone who appreciated it, and an example of a brutally honest advice that was not appreciated?

anita