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anitaParticipantDear Debs123:
You are welcome!
“I accidentally hit ‘report’… My apologies“- mistakes happen, you are forgiven for being human!
“he left me 3 times, bailing in commitments he made, leaving me worse off than the time before. Specifically, financially… He got caught in a lie, one that made zero sense to even lie about. Said it was the only time he lied, only to slip up the very next day about another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- talking about mistakes (above), lying is not a mistake such as unintentionally hitting the wrong key on your keyboard. Lying is intentional, intended to deceive. His behavior overtime is a pattern of misbehavior that has hurt and harmed you.
“Why would I even want to see him ever again???“- good question and I would like to explore the answer with you. Would you like that?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome and a delight to read your most recent post.
“I said I wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens… I asked for specific date when we will talk about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of July“- congratulations on doing an excellent job communicating with her clearly, honestly and assertively!
“she responded quite quickly… to which she agreed immediately“- this is encouraging, she cares about you.
“I confirmed that we are on a break but not broken up, and I confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else… Overall, I think this has settled my mind better, to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining“- you are ripping the benefits of real-life clear, honest and assertive communication vs imagining and ruminating.
“I shared with her I did a lot of soul searching… as my homework to prepare for the relationship“- you are welcome to use your thread as one place to do this homework.
I sill think that looking into your anxious attachment style can be helpful to you. There are books on the topic such as How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style, Healing Your Anxious Attachment Style, and Anxious Attachment Recovery.
Here is a quotes from the latter: “Anxious attachment turns love into a battlefield. It is a space where insecurities wage war against the self, where the soul is torn between the innate human need for connection and the paralyzing fear of rejection and abandonment. It is a dance of opposites, where love is both sought and feared, where connection is both craved and resisted”. Does this reads like something you can relate to?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara: wishing the best for you, looking forward to her response, if she responds. You will be okay either way.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Debs123: I’ll read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear n20:
“It started with… anxiety induced from school and college stress… Then in turned into full blown chronic anxiety and some depression… Then it spiraled even more into paralyzing fear of decision making… then… the intrusive thoughts sort of started“- anxiety going haywire is like a forest fire going out of control. It starts small and quickly escalates, spreading from tree to tree. Anxiety gone wild takes different forms at different times, as it spreads.
I most recently communicated through 9 pages with a person your age who suffers from intrusive thoughts. The thread is called Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts. it still appears on the first page of lists of topics (same page where your thread appears). For the purpose of not repeating myself, I am directing you there to read my many posts to the OP there. If you choose to do so, please get back to me here, on this thread, and let me know your thoughts.
anita
anitaParticipantDear n20: I’ll reply in the next couple of hours.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“I am a bit confused as to why you think the nature was not clear, is it because I said it she could contact me..?“- yes, because the way it is, you are waiting for her to contact you any day, anytime. No wonder this is so difficult for you. If you expected absolute no contact for 30 days, let’s say, you could have some peace of mind for 29 days.
As is, you expect that she may call you anytime, any day, but she expects you to not contact her for a month?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Debs123:
He ended the relationship. A year after he did, you reached out to him with the intent to try again. He declined, adding that he will always have feelings for you. About Feb this year, he sent you a random text with a laughing emoji. In May the two of you had infrequent light conversations, and recently he asked you to dinner, saying he’s excited to see you and catch up.
“What does that even mean? I still love him. Catching up and parting ways will be hard for me. It would be too hard for me to be friends also. Ugh. Confused. And….. it’s been over a week since he’s asked to meet, no word.“- reads not promising in regard to having a serious relationship; reads like he is a bit flaky, not reliable, saying things because it’s easy to say things, things that may be true only for the moment.
Is this true/ has it been true to him?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
I misunderstood earlier the nature of your break: I thought it was a no-contact break. I didn’t know it’s an ambiguous kind of a break.
“obviously I will have to wait for at least a month to contact“- not necessarily. You can message her, starting with what you wrote here in your most recent post, that you were emotional and did not think things through in regard to the nature of the break, and because the two of you were not clear about it, you are now confused and would like it that the two of you come up with a clear definition of this break: its objectives, length of time, date or reunion (if any..?).
You are more likely to be calmer if the exchange with her (the above suggestion) will be online vs last time when the exchange with her was in-person.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
It’s a shame that the logistics were not properly addressed because if you both agreed on a specific date (and the time in the day) that the break will end, and who will contact whom on that way, and in what way (text, phone call, a meeting in-person), and if you both agreed that there will be no contact until that date, then maybe you could put it out of your mind.
But with no clear parameters to the break and you telling her to contact you if she wants to talk during the supposed break.. makes it very difficult. I mean, once you invited her to contact you during the break, you invalidated the break. There is no break when the agreement is that one of the parties may contact the other.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
When the two of you decided on taking this break, did you decide on the particular date contact will resume and who will contact whom?
anita
anitaParticipantDear n20:
I suffered from OCD as a child and onward, lots of obsessions/ intrusive thoughts and compulsions, was diagnosed with it, and it did get better for me, way better; so much so, that I no longer fit the diagnosis. I will be glad to share more about it with you.
I am wondering, since you were diagnosed with OCD in the last year: was any treatment offered to you? The whole idea of diagnoses is to follow them with treatments, specific treatments designed for specific diagnoses.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome.
“I think most of the friends think this is a very cruel way to figure out a relationship”- is this what your girlfriend herself meant after you brought up the idea of taking a break, and she said it was “too extreme“?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Carol:
You are very welcome! As I see it, there are a couple of issues here: (1) you are hurt because as she entered a relationship, she significantly distanced herself from you, and you are sad over the lost closeness.
“I sometimes gaslight myself into thinking that maybe this kind of ebb is normal.. maybe those changes we are facing are normal etc.“- this is the part of you that’s denying the magnitude of her distancing/ the extent of your felt-loss, so to lessen the hurt and sadness.
(2) “I wonder if I am not partly responsible… I wonder if I haven’t moved away from her too soon… I still feel guilty from time to time“- as I understand it, she distanced herself from you, not the other way around. She initiated the distancing over and over again, through a long period of time, before you reacted to her initiative by.. not chasing her for closeness.
Does this make sense to you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome, it is delightful to read your journal entry!
“Last night I called my friend who learned somatic experiencing technique. She guided me a bit which helped me feel more grounded“- Somatic Experiencing, I read, also known as Somatic Therapy is a form of therapy that directs the client’s attention away from the mind (thoughts)=> down to the body where blocked emotions are held as a result of trauma (sensations), as the starting point of therapy (as opposed to traditional talk therapy).
“Proud of myself for trying hard during the challenging time“- and I am proud of you too!
“I will definitely remember to be kind and empathetic to myself and to my partner… I am not prepared for the bad things to happen (she breaks up with me/ she lied to me), then I would have not been prepared for this. It’s so hard to find the balance, to be positive yet expects the worst“- balance it with Somatic Experiencing: remove your attention from your thinking and overthinking and place your attention in your body: notice your breathing: is it constricted, shallow? Take slower, deeper breaths.
“This morning I went volunteer… Today I also did some shopping.. Will post again, have a good morning on your side“- excellent job, Clara, I am impressed, and thank you: it is a sunny morning here! I am looking forward to your next post/ journal entry.
anita
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