Dear Seaturtle:

“I asked him if we could go on a walk, hoping to feel connected to him and for it to remind me of why I am doing this, because I love him. We go on a walk and he begins exploring the outdoors and starts leading me down this very torn up valley of dead trees, hard to walk through and calls me a baby for complaining about the mud and the ‘trail’…  I kept having to remind him not to keep walking so far in front of me as I stumbled...  I truly don’t like his parents relationship, they are so passive aggressive and constantly hurting each other…  pretty much live separate lives… I have felt disconnected with him ever since we got here and I want to understand why and find out how to ease this anxiety”-

– Continuing the inner-child theme (“N” is your boyfriend the adult, “n” is the child that he was/ his current inner child), what probably happened is that once he spent enough time in the company of his parents, in their home, his childhood experience was triggered/ became alive in his mind and heart, and N became n: a hurt, sad, angry boy, very distressed by his parents hurting each other passive-aggressively and living separate lives. Very distressed, he led you to a scene that resembles his childhood experience, “down this very torn up valley of dead trees, hard to walk through.. (no) ‘trail‘”.

In his childhood, there was no trail/ no guidance for n. He felt down and dead and torn up as he witnessed his parents fighting. it was hard for him to walk through his lonely childhood, from one hour/ one day to the next. He felt disconnected from everyone.  Walking with you down the valley, n (for whom there is no Past vs Present) felt angry at you and disconnected from you, and consequently,  you felt disconnected from him.

It’s like he took you for a walk down the valley of his childhood, showing you how it was for him, how he stumbled with no one in front of him to guide him, with no clear path ahead.

anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome and thank you for being as nice and as kind as you are! I want you to keep feeling comfortable, heard and understood by me, and so, at any time that I misunderstand something you are trying to communicate to me, please let me know what it is.

* To let you know, I usually reply to posts by reading, copying and pasting a part of a post, then I respond to that part before I read the next part. Then, I read, copy etc., the next part before reading the next, etc. This helps me to develop my thoughts along the way.

“This situation caused my natural reaction of helping my family, and I want to know how do you think I should have responded to that. I was text messaging with my mother. Started with random topics and (as always) at one point when I asked mother what are the plans for weekend, she replied: well, father is again not talking to me, built a silence wall, so I will be doing my own things, and he his. After reading this message, I physically felt a stress reaction: my heart was racing, head spinning, felt nervous, scared and had an immediate thoughts of “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, I HAVE TO SOLVE IT, HOW CAN I COMFORT MY MOTHER, HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR HER, WHY IS FATHER NOT TALKING, I HAVE TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT, I HAVE TO KNOW THE DETAILS, MAYBE KNOWING THE DETAILS WILL HELP ME SOLVE IT”. It was a true reaction of stress, tension, fear.”-

– I am quoting all this because it is so very meaningful. On the 24th when you shared about your childhood, you wrote: “I had a need inside to always solve their problems, so that maybe then I can live in a happy, stable and calm family“- you needed and wanted a calm family because as a child, you were too often, very scared, as is indicated by your scared  reaction earlier today. In all capital letters are the thoughts you had as a child, resurfacing.

Notice what triggered this fear reaction: your mother saying, “well, father is again not talking to me, built a silence wall, so I will be doing my own things, and he his“. In your adult life circumstances, there is no danger in what she said, no danger to you, no danger to her (she survived that silence wall for many years). But in the child’s mind, in a child’s world, that silence wall was danger because you didn’t know what will happen next, and what you feared will happen next was something as final and catastrophic as death.

The child that you were is still very much a part of you (true to me as well). The known term for this child is Inner Child. For the inner child (who was traumatized as a child) there is no Past vs Present: there is only Present. She is still living at home with her parents and she still gets scared for the same reasons she was scared back then.

“But I paused. I didn’t write anything, I just put my phone away. Tried to challenge those thoughts and said to myself that I do not have to comfort her, solve her and father’s relationship problems, cheer her etc. But then I started facing new thoughts, which were: ‘How dare you not helping her, comforting her, she is lonely, go do something, say something, you are not taking care of your mother, which is your duty. Doesn’t matter that you do not think that it is your responsibility to do that, JUST DO IT AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO HELP HER AND MAKE HER HAPPY!!’. Those thoughts were the ones that made me really sad and stressed out. I didn’t know what to do”-

– Evident here is Role Reversal which started in your childhood: the child-daughter feeling that it is her duty to take care (to parent) her adult mother. The daughter took on that role because… no one else did. Someone had to be the adult, solve problems, create and maintain peace/ safety in the home! Of course, it is mission impossible for a child to be an adult, but the child tries her best.

Part of her, of the child, becomes a pre-mature adult/ parent to her parents. Being still a child herself, living in a home that feels unsafe, she doesn’t have the emotional (or other) resources to parent her parents, but she is driven to do it anyway.

“I wrote to my mom: ‘Oh ok, get it‘. That’s it. No comforting thoughts, no questions, solutions, nothing. After writing that I felt very bad, as the worst daughter ever”-… as the worst.. parent (to your mother).

“And I feel till this moment that I made a wrong decision, that I had to help her, that she is poor and sad, with no one around to help her, I am the only one that can do it. A huge guilt inside of me. I would appreciate a lot your insights on this situation, maybe this could help me reshape the way I think and see situation.”-

– the child-parent (you) is feeling guilty for not helping her “daughter” (your mother). Talking about role reversal.

If your mother really was a child and you really were her mother, you would have had the opportunity to make her a happy child because she would be in her Formative Years when under your care, her brain developing/ being in the process of being formed- with your input, your care in it.

As a child, you unknowingly took on an impossible task: to change a sad brain that is already formed into a happy brain. Mission impossible. But someone had to make the home safe and no adult took on the task, so you did. And you did the best a child can do to accomplish mission impossible.

As you can see by reading your mother’s words, you failed all these years to.. silence that very loud silence wall in her home. You failed because any child/ daughter would fail.

We will talk more about this, for as long as you want to.

anita

Dear Seaturtle and hatchling:

You are welcome!

“I read something on a different forum platform…  when I said “my body’s learned response to love… the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love…  I was referring to this idea of training my brain to put receiving love into a non-danger category”-

– I think that I get it now. I was perplexed yesterday in regard to the idea that love can be perceived as danger. Here is what I figure:

This is what you wrote about your father: “if I wasn’t doing things to his standards I received a very cold version of him, versus his warm personality when I was doing something he defined as efficient and effective” (Oct 10).

At one point on, in your child’s mind, these two versions of your father mixed, so when he gave you his very cold (angry, disapproving) version, you felt badly, and when he gave you his warm (affectionate, approving) version, you felt either a mix of good and bad, or you just felt badly.. or indifferent. But you didn’t feel good because his very-cold-version was pre-imprinted in your brain  Fast forward, when someone gives you love, in your mind, you are experience the mix that you received in childhood.

And so, it is not love that you are rejecting, but the mix of love and disapproval/ anger.

“I fear that if I allow people closer than an arms distance, they will see behind my mask and be disgusted and reject me“- from one point on, when your father gave you his warm version, you knew it was only a matter of time before he gives you his cold version, and because a parent is a figurative mirror to the child, you figured that he was only reacting to.. two versions of you: the Approved Version (the mask) and the Disapproved Version (underneath the mask).

“My question is this, Is my brain defending me from love?“- no, the brain defends itself from anger and disapproval, not from affection and approval.

“I will have to get to know hatchling more…“- yes, get to know her more. It will make a huge, positive difference in your life!

anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome.  “It will be hard now to start living, thinking, talking differently..“- it will be a struggle but you can succeed, one day at a time. Most likely you will find yourself, again and again, doing for others, or agreeing to do for others because the behavior you are trying to change is an old habit. Changing a habit like this requires time and patience with yourself because the progress you make cannot be  linear, as in: from now on, I behave differently all the time. It will be a stop and go process, going reverse and then forward. Over time and practice, your new behavior will be a new habit.

“Anita, as you seem a very intelligent and wise person, maybe you know some good books/podcasts/youtube videos regarding this topic that I am struggling with? Setting boundaries, how to stop being the care-giver to others,  start to live my own life?“-

–  (1) I repeated your words about me seeming very intelligent and wise because it makes me feel nice to read these words.. hmm, I hardly ever read or hear such words said about me (I suffer from significant case of ADD, and in-person, when talking to people, I am less intelligent than most), so,  thank you for this experience of reading your words this morning.

(2) One reason I do not read books or listen to podcasts etc., is my ADD, it is difficult for me to remain focused on what I read/ hear, especially when what I read/ hear is not articulated in the simplest, clearest, most direct way. I didn’t read a single book, including self-help books for more than a decade, and I never listened to podcasts or You tubes on mental health issues. (The format of these forums allows me all the time I need to rearrange what I read and process the information, so it works well for me).

(3) About how to be “Setting boundaries, how to stop being the care-giver to others,  start to live my own life?“-here is what I suggest: next time you find yourself automatically saying or doing (or thinking about) something in accordance to the old habit, apply the following strategy which I termed NPARR:

Notice (that you are thinking about doing for others, or you just offered someone to do for them, then Pause: let’s say you just told someone on the phone that you will help her with X. To pause would mean to tell that someone that you need to get off the phone right there and then, and will call her back in ten minutes or so.

Next, Address the situation: is X reasonable for you to offer (sometimes you will want to help other, and maybe this is one of these times that helping another makes sense). Or is X not reasonable to offer, and offering it was driven by the habit you want to change.

Next, Respond-or-not: say and/ or do something or not. Let’s say you thought about offering help (you didn’t offer it yet), you Paused, Addressed the situation and decided to not offer help. In this case you do not respond (you don’t offer help, you don’t help). Let’s say you offered help already, on the phone, you Paused (got off the phone), Addressed the situation and decided that X is not reasonable. Next, you Respond: you call her back and tell her that you take back the offer. You can tell her why (that you are trying to change your habit, etc.) or give her another reason.

Lastly, Redirect: think or do something else, move on to another topic.

What do you think about this strategy?

anita

Dear n2life:

You are welcome. I am glad it was not a major stroke and I hope that you are keeping your dally life as stress-free (or stress less) as possible..! Please do keep making progress and post here again whenever you feel like. I will read and answer whenever you do.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Yesterday morning, after reading the posts on this forum, I attempted a conversation with hatch. I told her I wanted to hear her, to come forward and I would not turn her away“- good job, Seaturtle!

“I am acting in a Play right now, a Shakespeare, it is my first time acting on a stage with other talented actors and people having to pay to come see it“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  ! ! !

“Last night… hatch was desperate to feel accepted by the group I am working with…  I thought the answer to all this was to ignore it, but now I think maybe I have just been ignoring hatch?“- yes, do not ignore hatch. Continue to pay attention to how she feels, and when she feels anxious, comfort her. Take good care of her, according to what she needs at any one time.

“I read about how important a parents consistent love is to our self esteem, and feel my hatchling was insecure about love”- she needs you to love her consistently.

“By allowing hatchling to surface, is it typical for insecurities to arise?“- yes.

“I truly thought they were solved but maybe I was just ignoring hatchling and the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love and learn to see how others do care about me? I often feel my friends don’t care about me and do things without considering me .. and this is all being directed at N! what do you think about this?“- I am not clear about what you are asking here. Can you rephrase it clearly?

“I will look into ‘healing your inner child’ books“- don’t forget the workbooks which provide you with practical opportunities to communicate and interact with hatchling .

“Do most people just walk around with their inner child in a tamed cage?“- part of maturing is taming (effectively and kindly parenting) the inner child, so to not act impulsively when thoughtful action is the right thing to do, etc.. It’s the over-taming/ the imprisoning of the inner-child that is the problem.

“Will hatchling always be in a naïve insecure state? or can she be a mature (inner) child“-  the inner child stays the same (remember there is no Past for her: it’s always Present). It is the adult part of you that is able to perceive Past vs Present; it is the part that’s responsible for maturing, and it needs to guide, help and love hatchling, so that together you will have the best life experience that’s possible for you.

“Although I have work to do I feel like I just saw through a huge wall I felt was blocking me. I am eternally grateful to you! and myself!“- You are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear Milda:

You are welcome.

“I had a very chaotic childhood, my father had serious drinking problem, so mother was always thinking on the next step, most of the time tired, scared or just with thoughts floating somewhere else…  I had a need inside to always solve their problems, so that maybe then I can live in a happy, stable and calm family with happy parents… what I do all day is thinking of others, feeling what they feel, thinking on how I can cheer them up, which advice I should give… This high sensitivity helped me to go through my childhood, to get parents love, but now this high sensitivity doesn’t serve me, it exhausts and I feel as I have never lived my own life, because I had to think of others and help them live their life“-

– I quoted all of the above because you articulated it so well, excellent awareness of the problem.. one that I can relate to, being that my childhood was chaotic too and my focus growing up was on my mother. I didn’t live my life (in my mind).. I lived her life. This became a habit and all through my adulthood, until most recently, I didn’t live my life. The frustration of not living my own life has been intense. It still frustrates and angers me, the concept of not living one own’s life, as in not being the central character in your own life, but a side character, one on the outside looking in.

As a child, I was powerless in real-life terms and my existence depended on my mother: her choices, her moods; and so my focus was on her. Fast forward, as an adult, I did/ do have real-life power, but in my mind, I didn’t. In my mind, I was still powerless, and therefore I focused on others.. mistakenly believing that everyone else has the power that I don’t.

My advice: (1) Exercise power over your life every day, in small ways and in big ways, gradually, patiently. it can be in as small a way as in how you choose to fold your laundry: do it your own way, the way that makes sense to you. (2) Expect distress in the process: your compulsion (habit of the mind) is to focus on others. When you practice otherwise, it will feel uncomfortable. You will have to talk to yourself when uncomfortable, telling yourself that discomfort is expectable. Then calm down and persist in practicing the new behaviors that are about practicing as much (ethical) power over your life as is possible for you.

anita

Dear Teo Desin:

You are welcome.

“About psychotherapy, are there certain types of psychotherapy you would recommend? I have tried CBT but I think it made enter the ‘thinking’ realm even more“-

– My first high-quality therapist was a CBT certified therapist, but he incorporated a high dose of Mindfulness principles and practices into therapy because he realized that my first and foremost need was to calm down on a regular basis, aka to practice emotion regulation skills.

“Also one thing that is holding me back from calming down is that I constantly feel the need to figure out what is the best choice for me to have as a degree…  I don’t let myself calm down unless I have figure it out… constant search for the ‘answer’“-

– this reads like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) to me. I am not a psychotherapist though, nor am I a health professional of any kind. I am not qualified to diagnose anyone, nor are these forums the place for such.. BUT I know OCD (have been diagnosed with it), and it reads to me like you are obsessed with figuring out the best choice for a degree and your compulsion is to constantly search (“constant search“) for the answer.

“What are your recommendations on overcoming this constant search for the ‘answer’ that doesn’t let me to calm down by using appropriate routine, practices and changing my mindset?“- Firstly, realize that this constant search is a Problem and not a solution. You need to lessen the search itself (the compulsion). Secondly,  practice emotion regulation skills/ Mindfulness on an hourly and daily basis. Thirdly, approach the question of your choice of degree from.. an emotionally regulated state of mind.

anita