Dear Nate:

I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning:

“No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“-

– Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking.

– You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off.

– If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem.  If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date,  you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her.

You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..?

anita

Dear Robi:

“I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar…“- reads like fun, great environment!

“Is the grass always that much greener?“- it used to be that way for me, but I am finally living where I like to live, and I don’t care- at all- to go anywhere else, not even for a visit. I used to live by the beach for decades and didn’t feel at home there. Now I live in the woods, and the grass is literally greener here than anywhere else, lol.

“Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely“- as adults, we re-live the emotional experience of difficult childhoods. As a child you were lonely=> as an adult you are lonely (until you change within, heal enough).

“I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ‘lost’ most of my friends (or drinking buddies ) too“- congratulations for losing your drinking buddies..! Looking at the title of your thread, you are indeed growing up!

“I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore…”– you have to find friends in Alicante, true friends who don’t regularly drink.. Maybe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), if such exist there?

“Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice… Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks…“- she visits you quite frequently. What does she say about your dilemma (whether to stay in Alicante or move back to Warsaw)?

Here’s an idea: commit to stay where you are for the rest of 2024, and don’t spend any time seriously considering leaving for the rest of this year. Put off the considering to Jan 2025.

“There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore“- that’s not a bad thing. A good thing.

“While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me. Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside…  I’ve grown a lot”- the term growing pains come to mind. Endure it and focus on the positives, every day.

“Take good care Anita, I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!“- thank you, Robi. I am fine.. and so are you, you are doing very well. Take good care of yourself, Robi!

anita

Dear Nate:

I am sorry that you feel unlovable, and i hope that you will feel better soon.

“This year I’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls… Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???”-

(1) Is the word I boldfaced a typo?  (2) In what ways did you put yourself out there?

anita

Dear Nichole:

good to read back from you! I will reply further later this Fri, or Sat morning.

anita

Dear Meatball:

About her: “At some point shortly around the time she graduates from high school she is out on her own… bouncing around from various men and staying with their families.”, “She (42) and her daughter are now living with me.  I don’t ask for any rent/money… Our second ‘breakup’ – one day out of the blue she tells me she’s not ‘feeling it’ and wants to move out… she leaves and goes back to her ex in-laws. A couple days later again she calls and apologizes and says she didn’t know what she was thinking and comes back… She always lives pay check to pay check, never saving and having bad credit… She rarely plans anything.  She sleeps all the time… Intimacy has been gone for years… This is where we are now, these cycles continue to come with less and less time in between. They are always initiated by her and each time she’s able to verbalize more that she is ‘not in love’ with me.  That she had NO feelings for me.   She’s made me feel like just being in my presence disgusts her… This brings up to about a week ago where again it starts with her not wanting to be around me, not touching me, just disgusted… One big issue right now is that she has little to no money, she has nowhere to go.  No one that will take her in.   She says I’m still her best friend and that she wants me in her life just not as love partners… The last thing I’m going to do is put her out on the street”-

– reads like (1) she is depressed and has been depressed for a long time, consistently or recurringly, (2) she is not well enough to make and save money so to be able to consistently pay rent for an apartment for herself and for her daughter. She has bad credit, and that would make it extra difficult for her to find a place to rent, (3) she relied on men to provide a place for her to live when she was a teenager, maybe since, because she felt unable to provide for herself. In practical terms perhaps, Exchanging Sex for Rent, ES4R, if you will,

(4) she is 42 now, depressed and, I am guessing, feeling less optimistic than before regarding meeting a new man in her life to provide her with a place to stay, (5) from what you shared (in the quote above), she has been feeling disgust in regard to having a physical and sexual interactions with you.. but she needs a place to stay, so she tried to convince you to be non-physical, non-sexual best friends. If you continue to refuse her suggestion, she might have sex with you just so that she and her daughter have a place to live, feeling that she has no other choice, as she doesn’t want to be out on the street, no one wants that!

The compassionate thing to do, for her, is to not have her out on the street, and to not participate in ES4R with her, so to not dishonor her.. or yourself.

About you: “I have the co-dependency as an anxious attachment style… For my childhood, I could see a lack of emotional support.  My mother was smothering and did everything for us, however wasn’t the type to speak about love or supply much in the way of advice.  My father was a high tempered dad that we were scared of.  No physical abuse or mental abuse“-

Very well mind. com: “Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior perpetuated by a parent that causes a child to experience emotional distress, harms their sense of self-worth, and affects their emotional development“- a smothering mother is an abusive mother, and so is a high tempered father who repeatedly expresses his anger in ways that scare his children.

About smothering mothers: The content authority. com: “Are you a mother or a smother? While these two words may sound similar, they have vastly different meanings. Mother is a term of endearment and respect.. while smother refers to someone who is overly protective or suffocating… Smothering can manifest in a variety of ways, including constant monitoring and supervision, overindulging the child’s every whim, and shielding the child from any potential harm or disappointment”.

* A term for “constant monitoring and supervision” parenting is helicopter parenting.

Better help. com: “Psychologists have suggested that overbearing parenting can be detrimental to a child’s health, and the negative effects can follow children well into adulthood.  One of the most common problems associated with helicopter parenting for many can be the formation of an anxiety disorder in childhood or adulthood. Helicopter parenting can also lessen a child’s ability to make their own choices, which can result in a co-dependent relationship between parent and child”- anxiety and codependency that’s passed on from childhood to adult romantic relationships.

The psychological healing center. com: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase smother mother. Of course it can apply to fathers as well. Smothering can stunt psychological growth and create anxiety, depression and a lack of self-confidence… The wound of smothering and controlling limits the growth of the individual. At the beginning stages of life it is important to foster healthy dependency in order to help your children become healthy and independent. Smothering and controlling does the opposite”.

anita