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anitaParticipantHow are you, Clara?
anita
anitaParticipantStill here for you, anonymous 😊
anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you this morning, Chris. How are you?
anita
anitaParticipantHow are you these days, Tom?
anita
March 13, 2025 at 10:10 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #444114anitaParticipantThinking about you, Arden, wondering how you are doing?
anita
anitaParticipant* I was thinking…
anitaParticipantDear Drew:
was thinking about our last exchange and wondered how things have been going for you. Did you get a chance to see your GP and discuss the ideas we talked about? I hope your strategy was well-received and that you’re making headway.
No pressure to share if you’d rather keep things private—I just wanted to check in and let you know I’m still here if you’d like to chat or need any further help.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
I revisited your original post this morning, and once again, I’m struck by how thoughtfully and rationally you recount events and emotions. You demonstrate such a deep understanding of your feelings, needs, and limitations— clear hallmarks of self-awareness. Despite the frustrations you’ve faced, you don’t let them cloud your perspective. Instead, you thoughtfully acknowledge others’ viewpoints, even when they hurt or challenge you, like your husband’s denial about his family or his defensiveness. This level of balance and emotional strength truly stands out.
I imagine that the decades of psychotherapy you mentioned have played a role in cultivating these strengths, and it’s clear how deeply you care about preserving both your well-being and your relationships.
That said, I can hear how difficult and exhausting it must feel if your husband remains dismissive or critical (“I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this”) even when you’ve expressed your feelings with kindness and honesty. You’ve already done so much to balance your own needs while maintaining your marriage, and I hope you give yourself credit for all the effort you’ve put into this.
You mentioned being worried about a rift in your marriage, and I wonder— what does that look like for you? Is it the fear of ongoing tension, repeated criticism, or something more lasting? Exploring this might help bring clarity to what you need most right now—whether that’s reassurance, support, or even space to focus on your peace of mind.
At the end of the day, you deserve understanding and compassion—not ongoing criticism. Prioritizing your emotional safety is not selfish, even if it means standing firm in the face of negativity. You’ve already shown remarkable strength in navigating these challenges, and I believe in your ability to continue advocating for yourself.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
You’re very welcome. I can see how hard this situation is for you, especially with your husband not fully supporting your needs. It’s tough to express yourself when you feel dismissed, but you absolutely deserve to set boundaries for your health and well-being.
If trying to get him to fully understand feels too frustrating, you might focus on calmly stating your decision in a way that’s clear and firm, while avoiding blame or conflict. Here’s an approach you could try:
State your decision clearly: Instead of asking for his agreement, let him know what you’ve decided in a calm, matter-of-fact way. For example: “I’ve thought about the wedding a lot, and I’ve decided I can’t go. It’s just too much for my health right now.”
Acknowledge his feelings: Reassure him that you understand it’s important to him and that you’re not trying to create problems. For example: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I completely support you going. I hope you can understand that I need to take care of myself too.”
Deflect pressure kindly but firmly: If he tries to push back or argue, calmly repeat your decision without engaging in debate. For example: “I hear what you’re saying, but this is the best choice for me. I’ll do everything I can to make it easier for you to go and enjoy the wedding.”
Focus on solutions: Show that you’re willing to help with logistics or support him, even if you’re not attending. For example: “I’ll help you pack and get ready for the trip, and I’ll send my best wishes to the happy couple. Let me know how else I can make this easier for you.”
By sticking to this calm, respectful approach, you’re not trying to convince him or seek his full understanding—you’re simply stating your boundary and offering support for him to attend without you.
You’re doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. Take care of your health and peace of mind—you deserve it!
(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
First off, I want to say that you’ve been really strong in handling so much— your health, emotions, and challenging family dynamics. You’ve done a lot for others, and it’s okay to put yourself first now.
It’s completely valid to not want to attend the wedding, especially since it could harm your well-being. You don’t owe anyone more than what you’ve already given.
Here’s a way you could approach the conversation with your husband:
Start by showing you care about his feelings: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I support you going.”
Share your reasons calmly: “For me, attending would be too much with my health and how I’ve been feeling lately. The loud, crowded space and food situation make it hard for me.”
Reassure him you’re not trying to create conflict: “I want to help you get ready to go, but I need to stay back to take care of myself.”
Stand firm with kindness: “I hope we can respect each other’s choices on this and not let it cause any tension between us.”
Let him know you’ll send your love and support from home, and maybe add a personal note or gesture for the couple.
Spend the time he’s away doing something relaxing or fun for yourself.
Remember, you’ve done more than enough over the years to keep the peace. It’s okay to protect your own health and peace of mind now. Sending you strength and support!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter and Everyone:
I’d like to take some time this Wednesday morning to respond to your post, Peter, part by part:
“You have come a long way dealing with the experiences of your past and it.”- Thank you, Peter, for your kind acknowledgment. I truly appreciate it.
“Similarly to your experience I associate anger with abuse and loss of control.”- I believe the key is finding ways to express anger respectfully and with self-control.
“The question I ask myself is once anger has gotten our attention do we need to hold onto it… If we use the energy of anger is there a danger we become what we are protecting ourselves from? Today world events show that to be a truth.”- I agree. When a victim of abuse expresses anger abusively, it creates a tragic cycle where the victim risks becoming the victimizer.
“‘Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end…’ – Krishnamurti”- Perhaps it’s abusive expressions of anger that isolate and end relationships. On the other hand, could anger expressed respectfully— perhaps even with empathy— strengthen relationships instead of breaking them? I feel much of our fear of anger stems from how often it is expressed abusively, both in personal lives and on a global scale.
“Looking into my anger… yes there is a fear of isolation, separation, shame, lots of shame… even when I was the victim of others’ anger and cruelty not deserved. That this fear leaves me feeling angry and depressed. An anger that instead of empowering me to action empowered shame.”- Anger and shame seem so closely connected here. I wonder— did you, growing up or later on, experience being shamed for expressing anger? Perhaps for your facial expression or even a slight change in your tone? Please don’t feel obligated to answer, unless you feel comfortable, but it’s something I’ve been reflecting on.
“Krishnamurti goes on to say ‘It is the explanation, the verbalization, whether silent or spoken, that sustains anger’”- This makes me think: could it be that shame around feeling angry is what sustains it? If anger were given space to breathe— free from judgment— might it dissipate on its own rather than struggle for air?
“I tend to hold on to anger as a shield and or pretense of bravado. Anything to avoid dealing with the experience directly or looking/feeling weak.”- I wonder if, for many of us, anger becomes a coping mechanism to shield us from confronting deeper emotions like shame.
“By forgiveness I do not mean forgive and forget but the process towards an honest Yes to life as it is.”- I really like this sentiment. Perhaps this could also mean embracing a shameless identity— one where we fully accept ourselves without self-judgment.
“Finally, Krishnamurti says, ‘Anger cannot be got rid of by the action of will, for will is part of violence… To be free from violence, which is not the cultivation of non-violence, there must be the understanding of desire.'”- This resonates with me deeply. It seems to suggest that suppressing anger with willpower only transforms it into another form of violence. True freedom from anger might come through understanding the desires and motivations driving it— a call for inner reflection rather than outward control.
As I reflect this Wednesday afternoon, I feel a hint of the rage I’ve carried from experiencing abuse— rage at having been degraded, humiliated, and at passively submitting to it. There is shame not only in having been abused but also in those moments of submission. My desire now is to stand tall and affirm my worth— equal to anyone else’s. My hope is to let go of shame and never submit to abuse again.
Equally, I feel a desire to not perpetuate shame or abuse toward anyone else.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kris:
Your thread inspired me to explore the topic of friends with benefits (FWB) further. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the brief research I’ve compiled below, and I hope it might offer some help as you seek comfort and clarity on this situation (referencing the title of your thread, “Looking for comfort and clarity on this situation”):
Historically, casual sexual relationships have existed in various forms, but the term “friends with benefits” gained popularity in the late 20th century, particularly with the rise of dating apps and media portrayals. Wikipedia in its entry on the topic says that the earliest known use of the term was in the 1995 song “Head Over feet” where one of the lines is: “you’re my best friend, best friend with benefits.”
FWB relationships are typically ongoing arrangements between friends who engage in intimacy without committing to a romantic relationship. While some FWB arrangements might evolve into traditional romantic relationships, this isn’t a defining feature— it depends entirely on the individuals involved and their mutual feelings over time.
One-night stands and hookups, on the other hand, are usually short-term, often one-time encounters with no expectation of an ongoing connection, let alone a romantic relationship. They’re more about spontaneity and physical attraction than emotional or relational depth.
From psypost. org/ longitudinal-study-suggests-friends-with-benefits-relationships-work-out-best-for-those-hoping-to-transition-to-friendship: “An online survey was completed by 192 people currently in a friends with benefits relationship (FWBR). All subjects were assessed during an initial survey where they were asked certain things about their FWBR, including how they hoped the relationship would evolve — into friendship, into a romantic relationship, dissipate altogether, or stay the same.
“Most subjects (48%) hoped their FWBR would stay the same, while a quarter of them (25%) hoped that it would turn into a romantic relationship. Smaller numbers of people wanted it to transition to a regular friendship free of sex (12%) or no relationship at all (4%).
“Around 10 months later, subjects took part in a follow-up survey where they were questioned on how their FWBR had evolved… Those who were the least likely to see the relationship outcome they wanted were those who had said they wanted it to transition into romance — only 15% of those who wanted romance saw it happen…
“A reported lack of communication between partners was related to an increased likelihood of the relationship dissipating altogether, suggesting that if partners want to stay in any kind of relationship at all, communication is crucial. ‘Whereas communication is important to all relationship outcomes, it is likely even more important than in traditional romantic relationships,’ the authors emphasize, ‘because FWBRs lack a guiding cultural script to define the roles and trajectory… Machia and colleagues conclude that both communication and aligned expectations are critical for an FWBR to end well.”
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You’re most welcome! Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your thoughts. Acknowledging these challenges is a courageous step, and I truly admire your dedication to improving your health and well-being.
Regarding your diet and IBS: while you can use traditional Indian spices when cooking for your husband, for yourself, you might explore IBS-friendly ways to season your food. Fresh herbs like basil, parsley, or dill; gentle spices like cinnamon or turmeric; or even a touch of lemon can add flavor without upsetting your gut. Ingredients like fennel, ginger, and mint are also great options that are both gut-friendly and versatile.
On working remotely: it’s completely understandable to feel more anxious when working alone since the presence of colleagues can be grounding and comforting. To make remote work more manageable, consider creating a soothing home environment, perhaps with calming background sounds or by arranging virtual co-working sessions with a colleague. Small adjustments like these can help make working from home feel less isolating.
As for feeling uneasy about solitude, it’s entirely natural to seek comfort in company, especially when dealing with anxiety. Strengthening your relationship with yourself takes time, but incorporating simple, enjoyable activities—such as journaling, crafting, or gentle stretching—into your alone time can be helpful. Being present in the moment during these activities can make solitude feel more nourishing and less intimidating.
Zenith, your resilience and commitment to addressing these challenges are truly admirable. If there’s anything more you’d like to share or if there’s a specific way I can assist you, know that I’m always here for you.
anita
March 12, 2025 at 10:06 am in reply to: I snooped on my boyfriend's phone and found something. #444084anitaParticipantDear Kim:
Thank you for bringing up this thread. Lucy, the original author of this thread, was 22 years old when she first shared her thoughts on tiny buddha on January 9, 2015— over ten years ago. Throughout her communication with the members who replied to her, Lucy was incredibly kind and gracious. For instance, on January 24, 2015, she wrote: “Thank you SO much to ALL who posted on here!!! Each and every message was so kind and supportive and I almost teared up because I was overwhelmed by these wonderful messages, thank you!”
I wasn’t a member of the forums when Lucy first posted, but I had the opportunity to communicate with her between June 2015 and 2017. It was such a pleasure engaging with her during that time, and I dearly wish I could hear from her again.
On October 20, 2015, in her thread titled “Stuck at 23,” Lucy shared: “I know I’m still young, but I’m stuck in between two worlds: the world I am so familiar with where finding somebody and marriage would definitely be on the agenda, and the world where I just want to experience the world, meet new people, and end up finding somebody myself who I deem suitable for ME… I’m spending my days trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations instead of living my own life for me.”
I wonder what has happened in Lucy’s life since then. It would truly be a privilege to know. I hope to read from Lucy again someday.
Kim, I believe this is your first post in the forums, isn’t it? I’d love to hear more from you as well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith: I’ll reply Wed morning. Till then please take good care of yourself, and little to no spicy food “one day at a time,” like they say in AA.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 