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Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita.
My best friend since the 3rs grade died of Covid related issues 3 years ago. She was my true friend. She was more than just my best friend. She was like a sister to me. My mom is best friends with her mom and all her mom’s sisters . So this is still to this day very difficult for me not having her here to talk to , to do things with and we kept each others secrets . Secrets no one knew about, not even our parents. We were there for each other during weddings, the birth of our children , even when our children would get sick, during funerals , you name it. When she passed, I never felt so alone . I even though I had my family , I still felt alone. I had friends, but not like the bond we shared. I would make friends but I could not trust any of them. I can’t even trust my own sister n law because one time I told her something in confidence and next thing I knew everyone knew about it.
my brother would rather be around her side of the family . He and I really don’t speak anymore.
it is so hard to for me to trust the friends I do have . So… yes.. it was wonderful to have had a true best friend. I miss her so much. I visit her grave often. Just wish people wouldn’t break my trust in them.Arie1276
ParticipantDear Anita
Sorry it took so long for me to respond back. Myself, my husband, my children and my parents have choses not to attend any cook outs or friend gatherings if those two will be there. I have chosen to distance myself from those type of people. Come to think of it, Amy actually stopped talking to me and my family while in her presence ever since she met that guy. I have chosen not to apologize. Even before she met him, she was never a true friend to me like my child hood best friend was (now deceased). So I have washed my hands clean of her. My brother knows I will never speak to her ever again and neither will my parents after what was said about me and my boys and how that POS of hers’ got in my face like he did. Even if I did apologize and attend parties where they will be, there still will be a lot of friction and tension in the air. So its best I stay far away.
Arie1276
ParticipantAnita,
Since my last post, a big huge thing happened. First I need to back track a little bit. Two summers ago, my brother his wife, and her sister all went in together to purchase an above ground pool. Since my brother’s back yard isn’t flat, they all decided to have it installed at his wife’s sister’s house since her yard is flat. Ok..so no big deal on that end. My sister n law invited me and my 2 grown boys who are 20 and 24 over to swim and to have a cook out a week ago. I said ok fine and I will bring a covered dish. I knew her sister and that obnoxious boyfriend of hers were gonna be there too. My brother’s 2 girls were gonna be there along with my nephew and his girlfriend. Ages 13-18. My sister n laws mom was there also. My husband had to work so he could not go. I figured it will be nice to swim and enjoy everyone’s company and have fun since it was a very hot day. I had arrived with my youngest son and my oldest arrived a little later. When I arrived there was adult beverage bottles and cans all over the pool deck . All the adults were drunk including my brother. And when I mean drunk…I mean drunk! I do not drink because I live the furthest away. So I just ignored it all and swam and talked to my nieces and the rest of the kids and my sister n law. Her sister’s bf started to be very obnoxious and loud. Lots of profanity. No one likes him except my brother. Well, all of a sudden my sister n law told him that she will never swim in his pool because he had said he swims nude and who knows what he does in there. Well that conversation turned into more profanity and perverted remarks about penises . He directed that coversation to my youngest son who is 20. (I get it….all kids no matter what age are subjected to some form of profanity or they look stuff up, talk about it amongst their friends etc. We all did at that age.) My son can’t stand this guy at all. I had made the motion the bf to knock it off because it was becoming annoying. He eventually did. My son mumbled f-you to the bf several times. I had told my son to be quiet, but he doesn’t care. He is like me in so many ways. Anyways….I was annoyed because my 13 year old niece was in the pool and my sister n laws mom was getting irritated. And noone would say anything to this guy. The guy has no respect towards women or towards the kids in the pool. Noone wants to hear that when you and others are trying to enjoy yourself. The guy kept telling my other niece to get him another drink and she did. I told her that she didn’t have to get it and that he should get it himself like the other adults are. Well that didn’t fly over too well either. Then I got out of the pool because my mom had called asking if I was stopping over later to get something. My mom heard this guys mouth and was getting pissed because the youngest grand kid (my niece) shouldn’t be listening to all that and for my brother to tell this guy to knock it off. I was telling her what was going on. Then I hung up with her. Then my husband called but I didn’t tell him what was going on until later. My oldest son and youngest son had left because they had plans with their friends later on that day. I was sitting on the deck and out comes my sister n law’s sister out of the house yelling….”I’m sick and tired of all the comments being made about Mark (her bf’s name) and telling him to f off. I’m tired of people telling other people what is going on here on the phone”. I was like wtf….and was like who over heard my conversation and had the nerve to tell her what I was saying! Then shit hit the fan! My brother started yelling at me, then her bf started saying he didn’t care who likes him and if I had a problem with him. Then it got worse…..he wouldn’t stop screaming at me and I told him to go f off! Then he comes charging out of the pool onto the deck and in my face screaming at me acting like some tough ass! I kept telling him to get out of my face and that i wasn’t afraid of him. I told him to go f off and that he was a drunk ass piece of shit with no respect to those around him and my brother just stood there letting this happen. Then my sister n laws sister told me to f off bitch and told me to get the f out of her house and told me and boys to f off! I told them all they could go f off and gathered my things and left! The sad part was my brother just stood there…..not saying a word and not sticking up for me. My sister n law was in the house when all this happened.
I called my mom on the way to her house crying. I told her everything that happened. My parents let my brother have it! Why did he step in…because who knew what could have happened…that guy could have punched me because who knows how people get when they are drunk. I blocked all the adults there on my social media accounts and from my phone including my brother. My husband even called my brother asking him why he didn’t protect me or stand in between that guy and me and if he was there, my husband would have killed that guy because my husband is a professional mma fighter. For someone to tell me and my kids to f off, that’s telling my whole family to f off and I will never in my life forgive someone like that.
The next day…my brother was trying to call me and couldn’t get ahold of me because I had him blocked per my mom. So I unblocked him enough to call him back. He wanted ME to apologize for what had happened. I said no why should I. I told him after that pos charging at me like that and his gf telling me and my family to f off…..I am not apologizing…….I told my brother if he wants to associate with drunk ass pos like that and let someone like and to talk like that in front of kids and have no respect……thats on him. I also told my brother if he wants to stick up for people like that..thats on him. He said he isn’t sticking up for them. I told him he is and its pretty sad that he couldn’t stick up for his own flesh n blood. He said if we all would just get to know this guy and that he is actually a pretty nice guy and thats just the way he is. I said nope!!! Not ever!!!!!!!! He then went on saying that his wife’s sister didn’t mean what she said. and I told him I call bs on that and that she meant it! I told him don’t expect me and family to ever come around ever again and if those 2 will be there , we will not. He kept saying how its putting a strain between everyone and he even want my son to apologize for telling that guy to f off…. I said no way in hell will my son apologize and my son said he will not. I was also told to stop acting like I am better than everyone, which I don’t act like I am and I am not by any means. My parents told me not to apologize and for my son not to apologize. If anything, they owe us an apology!!!!!!! My parents told my brother that they will not be at any picnics or get togethers if those 2 will be there. If they are there, my parents will not not go. No one in my family likes that guy and my sister n laws sister. My aunt and uncle do not like them either because of the way they act. Few of my friends told me not to apologize because I am the only one in the family with a back bone and will stand up for myself and my family and that I had the balls to say stuff! And the bad thing is that my brother works with this guy!
I made amends with my brother and his wife, she had nothing to do with what had happened. I told my brother that I will not back down nor apologize and he needs to respect that. I also told him I have no respect for people like that, if i don’t like something i will say it . I also said that I am sick and tired of people to tell me how to act, how to feel, what to say and what not to say and that i am tired of getting jumped on for standing my ground and standing up for myself and to stop treating me like a little kid!!!!!! I also told my brother how no one really talks to my husband and how my husband is tired of feeling like no one likes him because he is not from this country. I told my brother he bleeds the same way we all do!!!!!! And he is a part of the family and his brother n law!!!!!!!!! My nephews graduation party is today and I am only going for him , my brother and his wife. My family will be there except for my kids because they chose not to go. From now on we will only be attending, graduation parties , birthday parties, and holiday get togethers. I know those 2 will be there and we will just act like they don’t exist. I know word has spread on that side and i am sure that some of their friends know. I have a feeling i will be getting talked about and getting the stink eye the whole time we are at the graduation party.
Am I the bad one for saying what I said and saying what no one else has the nerve to say to people like that??? Should I apologize? How does one deal with a situation like that? I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Arie1276
ParticipantDear Anita
I have read your response. I do agree with what you have said and thank you for your advice. My family and I have decided to ignore Amy at family functions like she does us and pretend she isn’t there. It’s not the worth it anymore to get stressed out over her behavior, in which I feel that my brother and his wife need to talk to her about her ignoring everyone including her family and how its effecting them and everyone around them.
Arie1276
ParticipantUpdate:
And the saga continues. Two weeks ago my brother had a birthday party for my niece. Everyone was invited. We were all there except Amy and her bf. My sister n law said she had texted her earlier that morning asking if she was coming. No response. Then right when we were getting ready to eat, Amy and her bf walk in. Me and my family were in the living room along with other guests, and Amy walked past us and did not say one word and made her way into the kitchen with her bf who is a drunk all the time, to talk to her sister and then made her way to the dining room table and sat there. Not once did she say anything to us. Even her sister and their mother made a comment saying how unsociable she has become . I whispered and told them, I will not text or msg her and i think its very rude and selfish of her not to say HI to me or my family or some of the guests. I also said ever since she got a bf, she has pushed everyone aside. Me and my family left after the birthday cake was served. As we were walking out, she said something and i completely ignored her and left.
Then, today I saw she posted on face book a meme saying “I would rather paint the house with a q tip, thank worry about who is not talking to me”. I knew that meme was geared towards me. I didn’t respond. How childish and petty. And of course there were people commenting. She is always drama drama drama. If its not about her, she doesn’t care. Her sister is the same way. I am to the point that i just need to let it go. But it is hard , especially when your brother is married to Amy’s twin sister and Amy and her bf are at every single family function. Which makes it uncomfortable knowing how she is. And I cannot go to any of the functions because thats the only time I see my nieces and nephew. The only option I have is just to ignore her. And for her to post memes like that on facebook….she needs to grow up!
My brother is having fathers day dinner at his home. I am hoping Amy and her bf will not be there. Amy and her sister’s dad past away earlier this year. If she isn’t there, then i will talk to my brother on how to deal with this situation, which is childish and petty.
Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita
I am doing well! Its been awhile since my last post. Things are going great. We have been married now for 10 months now. I am starting to relax a bit now and not worrying so much my insecurities with our marriage. I still, however, check his phone periodically. Remember when I last told you about the woman I told off at our wedding dinner reception? Well, I found her name in his contact list. There was no number . I was assuming it was for fb messenger. I deleted and blocked her again! I did not confront him about it . I found no secret conversations anywhere in his phone. I did all this while he was asleep. I really need to stop looking in his phone. He still works long hours during the day and evenings. Sometimes he will come home if it is slow. Or he will come home early and tell me he misses me and wants to spend time with me. Which i am happy about. Sometimes I wish he can find a different job.But right now we are in the process of him becoming a citizen. Which I am not sure how all that works, but hopefully us being married will make it a little easier. I know that immigration still wants us to prove that our marriage is not fake and that it is a real true love marriage.
We actually went on a very nice vacation 2 weeks ago. It was like our second honey moon. I had my first plane ride, which was an incredible scary experience for me anyway. But we had a wonderful time!
I am planning on a second vacation with my 2 sons from my previous marriage. My sons are older. College age. They absolutely love my husband and he loves them. But unfortunately my husband cannot go on vacation with us for 5 days. He told me he needs to work because he will not get paid for being off since he does ride share/uber/lyft. I asked him if he is ok with me taking my boys and he said he is fine with it and wishes he can go but he just simply cant. I get paid for being off on vacation. I guess i am just afraid that he wont be here when i come back. I always have that fear in the back of my mind that he will leave like he did before without notice. That will always stay in my mind. I know he won’t leave and has no real reason to leave. I asked him what will he be doing while i am gone, he told me he wants to work a lot of hours cause he really needs the money to help pay for our bills, etc. He said he wants to take me away for my birthday in a few months and he wants to save for that also. I don’t know why i still keep having that fear. I have not talked to him about it.
He is such a sweet, honest,caring, guy who will do anything for anyone. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how i am his everything. He is so attentive to my needs. I do feel safe and secure with him and i love him soooo very much. I would give the world to him. We never fight or argue. We do however have some disagreements but its nothing that can’t be resolved. We are each other’s best friend.
I guess, i just need to relax and stop worrying.
Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita
All is well here. Well, kind of. Things have gotten better, he isn’t working long hours and he is home more. We still try to spend as much time as we can with each other . He will come home early and tell me he missed me. He still is the very affectionate, attentive, loving husband. I no longer spy on his phone much. Sometimes I will get into it and look around. I did, however, find a girl on his instagram that sent him a message asking him if he was single. He never replied to her. I send a brief msg telling her not to contact him again and that he is married. I deleted and blocked her from his account.
Fast forward, now that tax season is here. We owe quite and amount of money to pay for taxes. We filed jointly. I come to find out the reason why is because he never saved receipts and his UBER company never took any taxes out . Now we are struggling to come up with this money. I tried to explain to him how taxes work. He didn’t understand but agreed to help pay .
He also purchased a second vehicle for work so he won’t put any extra miles on his other car. Now that is an extra money he is paying also. I was mad at that. No because of this, i feel we are financially strapped. He does things without talking to me first about it. He just does it. I had talked to him about my concerns. He said he knows he shouldnt have purchased this extra vehicle. Now its too late! I actually had to sit him down and go over all of our finances. I now feel like i have to get a second job !!!!! He’s been in this country for 6 years and still doesn’t understand our tax laws and finances. I am literally sick to my stomach about all this and I don’t know what to do !!!!!!!!
Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita.
I am doing ok. I will write soon.Arie1276
ParticipantI meant contact my husband. Lol not co fact 🤦🏻♀️
I want to stop spying but when I get a gut feeling I go with it. I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious. And when I met him I deleted and blocked all my male friends and I told him I expected the same cause I saw what it can do to a relationship from past experiences with my friend’s relationships with their husbands and boyfriends and it wasn’t good. So how do I approach this ?
Arie1276
ParticipantNo she isn’t a friend of any of his friends that I am aware of.
my husbands character is very family oriented and he is hard working. He will come home early from work and tell me he missed me . He’s very attentive to my my needs. Very affectionate and we talk about everything, except I can’t talk to him about what I found. We spend as much time together as much as we can cause he works long hours . He does spend about 3 hours at the gym. He runs for an hour , then does weights and will sit in the hot tub , shower , then goes to work or comes home after. When I do call him to ask him about something related to home or groceries it’s noisy in the gym, and when he is working he is driving or calls me back right away. I asked him why our pictures together isn’t on his instagram or on his profile page on Facebook. He told me it’s because in his culture the husbands or boy friends do not post pictures of their wives because they don’t want other men to look at their women. All of his friends know we are married because he has it on his fb page. I also found that the woman from our wedding dinner was following him on instagram so I blocked her too from his page. These women have no business trying to co fact my husband. Friend or no friend. There are boundaries and once over stepped, I will not hold anything back.Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita
i am having major trust issues. I feel like I only trust husband only 85%. I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone. I know the code to his Apple Watch. And I go into that daily while he’s sleeping. Some of his numbers don’t have names and I ask him about those and he tells me they are guys which happens to be true because he will call them and his friends answer. The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch. I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish. There was an instagram photo of a woman that was sent my husband. There was no mention of the woman in the conversation. I translated every thing via google translate. So I called the number later during the day and a man answered. Why a picture of this woman was sent, I have no idea. I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating cause he doesn’t want problems or drama and he loves me too much cause he respects me and I’m his wife etc, and for me not to question him again.
So this morning I went on his watch again . On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country “Hi”. She didn’t respond. I went on her fb page and she is single. Why he would do that I don’t know and I’m so suspicious now of everything. While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook. Why is he doing this? He tells me I’m his everything, his best friend, his love . I went as far as looking at his contacts. I know people delete conversations so I have no clue if there is anyone else. How do I approach this to him ? He will get upset if I ask him again . He always tells me he doesn’t like secrets……. But yet why was there a msg there to this woman ? He doesn’t like it when I keep things from him and he always asks who calls me or texts me all the time. I don’t know what to do!Arie1276
ParticipantHi Anita.
Happy New Year!Well so far this year has not been a pleasant one. My son ended up I the hospital but is doing well now. He lives with his dad and brother. They are both older and in college.
Anyways that isn’t the reason why I am writing.
My husband decided to work out at the gym again because he is an ex MMA fighter and has put on about 20 pounds. He either goes in the morning for 3 hours or will go in the evening for 3 hours and sometimes he will go to work after his evening workout. He is a Uber driver. I now know not see him if I’m lucky for a few mins in the morning or an hour or 2 in the evening or sometimes I’m asleep by the time he comes home cause he works late at times. I am feeling like he isnt spending enough time with me. I feel like I’m being pushed aside . And when I’m on the phone with him, if his friends call he will tell me he will call me back. Shouldn’t I come first before his friends? I am beginning to feel so alone in our marriage . When I asked him what he does at the gym. He says he runs for an hour, does weights and goes into the jacuzzi for 20 mins and then showers and leaves. But 3-4 hours at a gym?????????? I work full time, come home , clean up after him cause he’s messy, cook dinner i which he doesn’t even eat because he says he does not want to feel full before he hours back out to work or goes to bed. I do all the laundry , grocery shopping. He spends little time with me on weekends too cause that’s when he makes the most money. I can’t visit friends or family often cause I’m an hour away from them. So I basically sit at home and sometimes I just get so down that I cry. He can tell I haven’t been myself lately. And all I tell him is that I’m ok but actually I’m not ok.Arie1276
ParticipantAnita
Hi. Merry Christmas! I am doing well. I do have a few things to figure out about some things. But they will have to wait until after the holidays. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy new year!
Arie1276
ParticipantGood evening Anita,
The language barrier isn’t severe. He speaks English well. Well enough for me to understand him and him understand me. Its just when he speaks to his friends in his language. As of today, I am in the process of learning turkish online. As for him participating in them talking about me, I have no clue. He usually sits with the men and I with the women. But the women don’t talk to me in english much. So i usually sit there in silence. But I think he will tell me if they talk about me. Its just frustrating at time.s
It is so hard to put the past in the past and just concentrate on the present and look at the real time evidence. I am trying to put that all behind me.
He also drives people from point A to point B for a living. So he leaves when i do in the morning for work. Then he comes home in the afternoon and will sleep, eat dinner and then go back out to work and will work til usually late. That is how he makes his money. In his culture the men provide for the family, so he works a lot. I work full time during the day. So i am home alone mostly in the evenings and on weekends in the evenings unless we are invited to meet friends or family or just go out . It gets quite lonely. I have family that is almost an hour away that I will visit few times a week. I have no friends here where we live. I mostly stay home when i come home from work. It gets quite lonely and i cry a lot because I wish he had a different job where he came home at a normal time and didn’t work weekends. He talks about going back to school for a different career path, but I don’t push the issue because he doesn’t like to be pushed. I think he will figure it out eventually and do it on his own. So…yes…it gets lonely. He knows all this except he doesn’t know i cry or I wish he had a different job. Some of his friends do the same type of job too and they have families. Its just frustrating at times.
Arie1276
ParticipantDear Iris,
What do you mean by when you said you are “permanently single”?
Friends do grow apart. I had that happen to me also. People that are married and have kids tend to stick together. Join a singles group, make new friends who will value your friendship, but keep your circle small. Your friends were never your true friends if they hurt you that way. True friends would never do that no matter if you are single or not!
You are young in your thirties. Move on from those people. It will get better! Best of luck!
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