Forum Replies Created
I am doing well! Its been awhile since my last post. Things are going great. We have been married now for 10 months now. I am starting to relax a bit now and not worrying so much my insecurities with our marriage. I still, however, check his phone periodically. Remember when I last told you about the woman I told off at our wedding dinner reception? Well, I found her name in his contact list. There was no number . I was assuming it was for fb messenger. I deleted and blocked her again! I did not confront him about it . I found no secret conversations anywhere in his phone. I did all this while he was asleep. I really need to stop looking in his phone. He still works long hours during the day and evenings. Sometimes he will come home if it is slow. Or he will come home early and tell me he misses me and wants to spend time with me. Which i am happy about. Sometimes I wish he can find a different job.But right now we are in the process of him becoming a citizen. Which I am not sure how all that works, but hopefully us being married will make it a little easier. I know that immigration still wants us to prove that our marriage is not fake and that it is a real true love marriage.
We actually went on a very nice vacation 2 weeks ago. It was like our second honey moon. I had my first plane ride, which was an incredible scary experience for me anyway. But we had a wonderful time!
I am planning on a second vacation with my 2 sons from my previous marriage. My sons are older. College age. They absolutely love my husband and he loves them. But unfortunately my husband cannot go on vacation with us for 5 days. He told me he needs to work because he will not get paid for being off since he does ride share/uber/lyft. I asked him if he is ok with me taking my boys and he said he is fine with it and wishes he can go but he just simply cant. I get paid for being off on vacation. I guess i am just afraid that he wont be here when i come back. I always have that fear in the back of my mind that he will leave like he did before without notice. That will always stay in my mind. I know he won’t leave and has no real reason to leave. I asked him what will he be doing while i am gone, he told me he wants to work a lot of hours cause he really needs the money to help pay for our bills, etc. He said he wants to take me away for my birthday in a few months and he wants to save for that also. I don’t know why i still keep having that fear. I have not talked to him about it.
He is such a sweet, honest,caring, guy who will do anything for anyone. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how i am his everything. He is so attentive to my needs. I do feel safe and secure with him and i love him soooo very much. I would give the world to him. We never fight or argue. We do however have some disagreements but its nothing that can’t be resolved. We are each other’s best friend.
I guess, i just need to relax and stop worrying.
All is well here. Well, kind of. Things have gotten better, he isn’t working long hours and he is home more. We still try to spend as much time as we can with each other . He will come home early and tell me he missed me. He still is the very affectionate, attentive, loving husband. I no longer spy on his phone much. Sometimes I will get into it and look around. I did, however, find a girl on his instagram that sent him a message asking him if he was single. He never replied to her. I send a brief msg telling her not to contact him again and that he is married. I deleted and blocked her from his account.
Fast forward, now that tax season is here. We owe quite and amount of money to pay for taxes. We filed jointly. I come to find out the reason why is because he never saved receipts and his UBER company never took any taxes out . Now we are struggling to come up with this money. I tried to explain to him how taxes work. He didn’t understand but agreed to help pay .
He also purchased a second vehicle for work so he won’t put any extra miles on his other car. Now that is an extra money he is paying also. I was mad at that. No because of this, i feel we are financially strapped. He does things without talking to me first about it. He just does it. I had talked to him about my concerns. He said he knows he shouldnt have purchased this extra vehicle. Now its too late! I actually had to sit him down and go over all of our finances. I now feel like i have to get a second job !!!!! He’s been in this country for 6 years and still doesn’t understand our tax laws and finances. I am literally sick to my stomach about all this and I don’t know what to do !!!!!!!!
I am doing ok. I will write soon.
I meant contact my husband. Lol not co fact 🤦🏻♀️
I want to stop spying but when I get a gut feeling I go with it. I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious. And when I met him I deleted and blocked all my male friends and I told him I expected the same cause I saw what it can do to a relationship from past experiences with my friend’s relationships with their husbands and boyfriends and it wasn’t good. So how do I approach this ?
No she isn’t a friend of any of his friends that I am aware of.
my husbands character is very family oriented and he is hard working. He will come home early from work and tell me he missed me . He’s very attentive to my my needs. Very affectionate and we talk about everything, except I can’t talk to him about what I found. We spend as much time together as much as we can cause he works long hours . He does spend about 3 hours at the gym. He runs for an hour , then does weights and will sit in the hot tub , shower , then goes to work or comes home after. When I do call him to ask him about something related to home or groceries it’s noisy in the gym, and when he is working he is driving or calls me back right away. I asked him why our pictures together isn’t on his instagram or on his profile page on Facebook. He told me it’s because in his culture the husbands or boy friends do not post pictures of their wives because they don’t want other men to look at their women. All of his friends know we are married because he has it on his fb page. I also found that the woman from our wedding dinner was following him on instagram so I blocked her too from his page. These women have no business trying to co fact my husband. Friend or no friend. There are boundaries and once over stepped, I will not hold anything back.
i am having major trust issues. I feel like I only trust husband only 85%. I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone. I know the code to his Apple Watch. And I go into that daily while he’s sleeping. Some of his numbers don’t have names and I ask him about those and he tells me they are guys which happens to be true because he will call them and his friends answer. The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch. I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish. There was an instagram photo of a woman that was sent my husband. There was no mention of the woman in the conversation. I translated every thing via google translate. So I called the number later during the day and a man answered. Why a picture of this woman was sent, I have no idea. I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating cause he doesn’t want problems or drama and he loves me too much cause he respects me and I’m his wife etc, and for me not to question him again.
So this morning I went on his watch again . On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country “Hi”. She didn’t respond. I went on her fb page and she is single. Why he would do that I don’t know and I’m so suspicious now of everything. While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook. Why is he doing this? He tells me I’m his everything, his best friend, his love . I went as far as looking at his contacts. I know people delete conversations so I have no clue if there is anyone else. How do I approach this to him ? He will get upset if I ask him again . He always tells me he doesn’t like secrets……. But yet why was there a msg there to this woman ? He doesn’t like it when I keep things from him and he always asks who calls me or texts me all the time. I don’t know what to do!
Happy New Year!
Well so far this year has not been a pleasant one. My son ended up I the hospital but is doing well now. He lives with his dad and brother. They are both older and in college.
Anyways that isn’t the reason why I am writing.
My husband decided to work out at the gym again because he is an ex MMA fighter and has put on about 20 pounds. He either goes in the morning for 3 hours or will go in the evening for 3 hours and sometimes he will go to work after his evening workout. He is a Uber driver. I now know not see him if I’m lucky for a few mins in the morning or an hour or 2 in the evening or sometimes I’m asleep by the time he comes home cause he works late at times. I am feeling like he isnt spending enough time with me. I feel like I’m being pushed aside . And when I’m on the phone with him, if his friends call he will tell me he will call me back. Shouldn’t I come first before his friends? I am beginning to feel so alone in our marriage . When I asked him what he does at the gym. He says he runs for an hour, does weights and goes into the jacuzzi for 20 mins and then showers and leaves. But 3-4 hours at a gym?????????? I work full time, come home , clean up after him cause he’s messy, cook dinner i which he doesn’t even eat because he says he does not want to feel full before he hours back out to work or goes to bed. I do all the laundry , grocery shopping. He spends little time with me on weekends too cause that’s when he makes the most money. I can’t visit friends or family often cause I’m an hour away from them. So I basically sit at home and sometimes I just get so down that I cry. He can tell I haven’t been myself lately. And all I tell him is that I’m ok but actually I’m not ok.
Hi. Merry Christmas! I am doing well. I do have a few things to figure out about some things. But they will have to wait until after the holidays. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy new year!
Good evening Anita,
The language barrier isn’t severe. He speaks English well. Well enough for me to understand him and him understand me. Its just when he speaks to his friends in his language. As of today, I am in the process of learning turkish online. As for him participating in them talking about me, I have no clue. He usually sits with the men and I with the women. But the women don’t talk to me in english much. So i usually sit there in silence. But I think he will tell me if they talk about me. Its just frustrating at time.s
It is so hard to put the past in the past and just concentrate on the present and look at the real time evidence. I am trying to put that all behind me.
He also drives people from point A to point B for a living. So he leaves when i do in the morning for work. Then he comes home in the afternoon and will sleep, eat dinner and then go back out to work and will work til usually late. That is how he makes his money. In his culture the men provide for the family, so he works a lot. I work full time during the day. So i am home alone mostly in the evenings and on weekends in the evenings unless we are invited to meet friends or family or just go out . It gets quite lonely. I have family that is almost an hour away that I will visit few times a week. I have no friends here where we live. I mostly stay home when i come home from work. It gets quite lonely and i cry a lot because I wish he had a different job where he came home at a normal time and didn’t work weekends. He talks about going back to school for a different career path, but I don’t push the issue because he doesn’t like to be pushed. I think he will figure it out eventually and do it on his own. So…yes…it gets lonely. He knows all this except he doesn’t know i cry or I wish he had a different job. Some of his friends do the same type of job too and they have families. Its just frustrating at times.
What do you mean by when you said you are “permanently single”?
Friends do grow apart. I had that happen to me also. People that are married and have kids tend to stick together. Join a singles group, make new friends who will value your friendship, but keep your circle small. Your friends were never your true friends if they hurt you that way. True friends would never do that no matter if you are single or not!
You are young in your thirties. Move on from those people. It will get better! Best of luck!
I do wish I didn’t have to worry. The incident at our wedding dinner party triggered some things, so yes, I do have a hard time trusting him 100 %. I have been trying to keep the bad things that has happened to me in the past in the past! Things like being ghosted, lied to, cheated on, mentally and verbally abused by a narcissist at one point in my life. So i do have some trust issues. And I have been trying to heal from those things. We love each other very much and we are very open and honest about everything. But he has no idea about some of those things that has happened to me. I am not sure if he would understand if I did tell him. I am learning to deal with my trust issues. I just wish I didn’t have those issues.
Thing is, he has no blood family relatives here at all. They are all over seas. He has friends here. Many he considers “brothers”. Their wives are “sisters”. Very few of his friends speak english. I do understand my husband well. Problem is that I don’t understand his friends. So, when we all get together for dinner or tea or coffee, I sit there not knowing what is said. He is my translator. They are very nice people and very generous and hospitable. And yes I do feel left in the dark not knowing what is being said. They could be talking about me or not. So, I do feel a bit uncomfortable. All I do is sit there and smile at them. I do want to learn their language. I do know simple words. But, not fully yet.
i didn’t even ask him who that number belonged to because that person happened to call while we were in the car together and it was a male friend of his. I asked him who was calling and he didn’t want to tell me at first. I said you always ask who is calling or texting and fair is fair. So he told me it was his male friend.
I just hate feeling so Leary when his phone rings or gets a text. I hate feeling the way I do and I don’t know what to do about it.
Yes it was his female friend and my husband greeting guests outside before the wedding dinner. It is custom for the bride and groom to greet the guests, not her. I was not made aware until that very moment. And yes it was crude and rude behavior on both of their parts. If I would not have said anything , it would have continued. Til this day it bothers me and I am trying so hard to get past it. I told him she didn’t respect our boundaries. There are boundaries and when someone over steps them like she did, then yes…..I had every right to lash out at her in front of his friends. I might add, the look on their faces was priceless lol.
He values his friends. Which I have no problem with because they are all male. And I have met them all including their wives and girl friends, and their children. He does not like to keep secrets, but I feel by him changing his passcode and an odd number and a text popped up which i tried to translate via google. He can tell I am not myself lately because of what i saw.
When he got his new phone , he failed to delete all his old ex’s. So thats why i took it upon myself to do that without him knowing.
We do have a language barrier issue. Sometimes he doesn’t understand what Im trying to tell him or vice versa. He is very big on family. Family is the most important thing in his life along with his friends. I know We dont’ talk enough. When he asks me if Im ok. I lie and tell him Im ok or Im good even when Im not.
Do I casually ask what that number was and who it belongs to? Because when i get texts or if my phone rings he wants to know who it is and what they said. Fair is fair. Am I right or wrong?
Since my last post a lot has happened. Within the past months, my ex the one who left me moved to florida. Well he came back. We reunited on August 19th, 2022. He told me he came back for me. He couldn’t stop thinking about me because had too many memories with me and no matter how hard he tried to forget me . He couldn’t. So, that same day we both never wanted to be apart . We got our marriage license and we on Sept. 6th, 2022 in front of a judge. He apologized for everything. We found an apartment closer to the city and moved in together. We set a wedding dinner date 20 days later with all his friends and my family at a nice restaurant. Now here is or was a problem that i did not like. The day of our dinner , we had to go to the air port to pick up a friend of his. He had failed to tell me that his friend was a she and that they had been friends for a few years. I did not like this. She lives in another state. She seemed nice. She is divorced and has several kids. So we were kind enough to set her up in a hotel for the night and take her back to the airport the following morning. My husband failed to tell me that he asked her to come and help with the dinner . We arrived at the restaurant that evening. Everything seemed fine. Guests were arriviing, food was being served. But here is when the problems started. My husband never hardly sat down. He was too concerned about the food being brought out, which i understood. But that was not the problem. The problem was his friend. She kept following him around like a little lost puppy. I was by that point getting irritated. In his culture i guess the groom stands outside greeting guests. So i kept going outside and telling him to come in. She was out there too greeting guests. Few of his male friends were out there and they were all talking. I asked why is everyone out here when you should all be inside. She said it is custom for the groom to greet the guests. I said well shouldn’t I have been informed by all of this? She said my husband should have told me. I said well you all need to come inside because thats where our guests are. Then i turned to her and right infront of his friends outside I said ” Who do you think you are standing out here with my husband when i should be here? Who’s wedding dinner is this? Your’s or mine sweetheart? I suggest you go inside and sit and mind your own business and let me and my husband handle everything. NOT YOU!” His friends mouths dropped and he said ok lets go inside. So she sat beside my mom and did not move the rest of the night. I was fuming. Then he went to check on the food and i followed. My face was beat red. He asked if everything is ok. I said no. I told him I do not like what just had happened and she needs to stay out of everything because right now I am so upset and could cry. He said for me to calm down. Then everything was ok after that. We cut our cake, danced, took pictures and she stayed away. The next morning we picked her up at the hotel and drove her back home to her state . My husband and I got a hotel there in that state becuase we wanted to see some sites. So we stopped at a rest stop and he got out. It was just me and her in the car. She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous. I said oh no im not jealous. I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder. I told her I did not appreciate anything about what happened at our dinner. So he got back in the car. We drove and dropped her off at her place . Then we left and went to our hotel . We stayed for a few days sight seeing and had a nice time and came home. Everything was and is still going great except for a few minor things. We were out and about one day and she happened to call. I heard the conversation. She asked how he was and she has not talked to him in a while . He told her he is out with me. She was asking him to help her find a place for her friend to live in our city. Oh that rattled my nerves right there. I said why is she calling and her asking you to help find a place for her friend is not your problem, thats their problem. And when we got in the car i told him how i felt about her and how it made me feel. I asked him to delete and block her from everything. So when we got home. He handed me his phone and I did just that. I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails. I told him when i first met him i deleted all my male friend contacts becuase I want no drama period! He agreed.
So few months passed. I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers. He never noticed. He has access to my phone and i hide nothing. I know it was wrong for me to do that. So things have been good . Then he was accessing his phone in front of me and he changed his password. I asked him why. He said “too many ppl know it” I looked at him with a puzzled look. He never answered my question. I told him not to hide anything from me. He said he isn’t. Then i found some texts on his apple watch in his language. I can’t tell if the number is female or male. I tried to translate, but some doesn’t make sense. Am i being over dramatic ? He tells me all the time he loves me and im his world and when we aren’t together he misses me. Why do I feel the way I do? Ive been so hurt and traumatized in the past from men ghosting me, cheating on me, etc and its effecting me even now that Im married to my husband. Do I talk to him about how I feel?
I also wanted to note that legalizing the marriage did not push him away. That was all he talked about. Us getting married and having the wedding and reception at his one friends very nice restaurant and she was all prepared in letting us use her establishment. what pushed him away was that he told me he could not provide for me financially the way he wanted and he felt horrible about it and told me i deserve a better life with someone who can. It was not family or friends i was finally told. It was him who wanted to focus on his mma career and work more and more hours. I had lashed out at him few times about coming home super late and not seeing him except on fridays and sundays . Sometimes he would go out to work on sundays too . I keep thinking about me lashing out at him about it pushed him away. Then I am thinking maybe it wasn’t the reason why. The real reason i think is because of his career, his trainer is in Florida where he wanted to move to. But leaving me the way he did was very immature and cruel. I am still confused, my heart is still heavy, and i still feel empty. Him coming back to visit our city in a few weeks makes me feel anxious because I don’t know what to expect