Thanks, Anita, for replying to me, although your answer of “yes, absolutely!” when asked if you see a difference between intentional and unintentional harm is confusing for me, as it seems inconsistent with some of your recent posts, those that have recently been deleted. But that’s okay. I need no clarification.

It is important to me to express my feelings to you, however. Knowing what you’ve shared here about your childhood, I’ve always felt deep empathy for the little girl Anita. You have every right to feel the way you do toward your mother. The unbearable suffering that you endured clearly comes through in your writing, and I’ve always rooted for you from my computer, many miles from where you are. I am also genuinely thrilled that you’ve made so much progress in your healing journey of late. It makes me feel proud of you (I am a mother, after all) and of all your hard work. I know you are a good person, Anita. I also know that you’re intelligent, curious, compassionate, and have a great sense of humor. Yet, with all that said, I still struggle with how things played out between you and other members here on this forum over the past couple weeks. As an outside observer, what occurred seemed hurtful and unfair. And this has happened before…and the hurtful posts get deleted, Tiny Buddha loses caring, well-meaning, helpful contributors, and things go on as if nothing happened, that is, you move on to the next member who is looking for advice. And I do recognize that you yourself are a caring, well-meaning, and very helpful contributor, and that you’ve done a lot of good here.

The purpose of my earlier post on this thread was to gently invite you to explore the possibility that maybe there are better ways to handle unintentional harm, especially when the harm comes from someone who demonstrated genuine care for you, and also who sincerely apologized after realizing her mistake.

It occurred to me while typing this that perhaps your brief answer of “yes, absolutely!” isn’t inconsistent with those recently deleted posts after all. Maybe “yes, absolutely!” means 1) that indeed you do see a big difference between intentional and unintentional harm, but that in your view, even unintentional harm will not be permitted/tolerated by you, 2) that I have overstepped and that you owe me nothing more, and 3) that the topic with me is hereby closed. And of course I do understand and accept all these things.

B

Hi Dave,

You’ve tried to resuscitate your marriage but if her mind is made up then perhaps it’s time to begin to accept her decision, as difficult as it may be. Commit to being an amazing single father to your kids and explore what really motivates you in life and brings you joy. It’s easy to lose ourselves in life’s many pressures; maybe it’s time to find yourself again. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Raising kids is hard, and your sons will be teenagers soon. You’ll need a  strong sense of self to guide them through those turbulent years. Maybe your wife is pulling away because she senses that you’ve possibly lost that. A man of integrity who’s focused on clear goals, has high standards and a positive outlook on life can’t help but be an positive role model for his soon-to-be teenage sons and, trust me, their mother will notice. Get that guy back, Dave!

B

Hi Peter,

I think I understand what you’re saying about the fear of emptiness as we rest in the space of self-emptying (through meditation). I have experienced this I think, but I believe only within the first 5 minutes or so when I’m still waiting for my overactive thoughts to settle the hell down. The purpose of meditation for me is to calm myself, escape my anxiety, and it works, but I don’t experience joy through it. This brings me back to an earlier thread where we discussed happiness and the “flow of life”. My words will fall short, I know, but as I tried to express in that thread, things seem to only make some sense when I feel a strong connection with and trust in that “flow”, no matter how good my life is. When I was younger I thought differently. Back then obtaining the things that the world values brought me happiness, or so I thought. But I am middle-aged now and my feelings have changed. I wonder if this happens to a lot of people, if as we age we become less satisfied with those things that once satisfied us, so we seek answers to the bigger questions we’ve had all along but were too busy (or too satisfied) to bother with. And it’s not only our increasing age that pushes us to find answers, but also challenging times as we’ve all experienced over the past few years with the pandemic and everything else…I think there are a lot of us out here who just want to rest in truth and goodness…but where does one find truth and goodness? That’s where our searching leads us, I believe. And if we move in the right direction, I think things start to feel less wrong and more right, less emptiness, more joy, less meditation, more contemplation…because we’re now in the flow.

B

Beautifully stated, as usual, Peter. Back to Jung’s “I know”, like you and Tee, I think I mostly know, too. It may sound hokey but sometimes I feel that when everything is going right, when life is good and things are working out nicely, that unless I choose the “right” meaning for all my good fortune, I’ll be left with a feeling of emptiness in the midst of all my happiness. Maybe it’s devinely designed this way whereby the emptiness is a gentle nudge by the Self, Universe, G_d, etc. for us to seek answers that point us to hope in the right things, which will ultimately fill our emptiness with joy. And, of course, once we get there, we know we’ve chosen correctly.

B

Hi Sagged,

How unfortunate that you crossed paths with this woman, but how fortunate that you’re now free of her! And the lessons you’ve learned along the way are invaluable. So much excellent advice already given, so I’ll reiterate…Wake up each morning looking forward, not backward. You’re a decent guy with so much to look forward to. I’m excited about your future!

B

PS Welcome back Helcat! 😊

Hi Peter,

I suppose both could be true at the same time which is an interesting thought.

Regarding the Enneagram and that at some point something confronts our world view which causes us to compensate our natural type to our survival type, this rings true to me. For me personally I feel that my survival type is very different from my natural type. I haven’t taken the test but I’ve a hunch I was a born happy-go-lucky “Enthusiast” that evolved into a cautious “Reformer”. Lol

When you say “indifference likes to disguise itself as detachment”, do you mean that you may have been mostly indifferent to the events that transpired in your high school memory?

B

Hi Jamie,

I keep waking up in the morning with the same reel of thoughts and mental images of all the bad things that have happened to me in the past

I like that you used the word “reel” because I think of it as a movie reel that keeps playing in my head over and over again. I like Roberta’s advice that the first step to breaking free is to become aware of what’s happening: Your own personal horror movie just keeps playing in your mind. It’s not real; it’s only a story your mind keeps telling you. Make the decision to step outside the movie and become an objective observer to it, almost like you’re not the leading character in it anymore. In other words, stop identifying with the story. It’s over. Those things that happened are over. When you wake up tomorrow and you have a regret, don’t get pulled in. Just observe it and let it pass. Make a decision to keep doing this as many times as you need to throughout the day. At first it will be hard and you’ll be lucky to get a minute or two of freedom because these darn thoughts are persistent, but after some time it gets easier, becomes a healthy habit, and life becomes an adventure again.

All of us make a lot of mistakes throughout our lives because we’re human and humans make mistakes. I’ve made way too many, trust me. I forgave myself, and I’ll continue to do so because I’ll keep making mistakes, no doubt about that.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It’s time for you to forgive yourself too.

Our suffering is optional because we have the option to not get swept away by our thoughts. Just observe them…here comes those massive regrets again, no big deal, yawn, ho-hum, what am I gonna do for fun after work today?…and let them go.

B 😊

Peter –  I’m not familiar with centering prayer but I have similar thoughts as you with regard to the differences between meditation and contemplation. The way I see it meditation is a human mode of prayer whereas contemplation is divinely infused prayer, and yes meditation can lead to contemplation. I think of contemplation as waiting for God (or the Universe or whatever term one wishes to use) to meet us and to be with us, so we can rest in his/its presence and listen for guidance with an open heart.

B