Hi Ramsey,

I understand how you feel. When I graduated from college it took me a year to find a full-time job. I must have sent out hundreds of resumes. It was frustrating. I waited tables until I was hired at a large aerospace firm.

You’ve mentioned a few topics but let’s talk about one. What you describe about employees being used as pawns has not been my experience. Some employees, once they get hired, decide to learn everything they can about all areas of their company while getting paid for it. It takes some time but often they’ll eventually figure out exactly what they want to do. They don’t settle for a job they hate; they search for a job they can love. There are jobs out there, believe it or not, that people love to go to each day. They then can work hard to become very knowledgeable in their areas of expertise, so good at what they do that their employers don’t want to lose them and other companies want to hire them. Then, if possible, they get their employers to pay for their masters degrees. They are in the driver’s seat; their companies become their pawns.

B

Shelby,

You are welcome. I think you had it right all along, that over time this is going to get easier for you. Hopefully the support here (I was just now reviewing William’s list of great tips…wow!) will help you through the tough moments along the way.

B

I am so impressed with you, Shelby. I really am. There’s so much I want to say to you. First, those things your ex used to tell you that you’re kind, caring, smart, etc., I think he really meant them. I’m just going off of what I’ve read from you on both this and the other thread and as a complete stranger even I can see those things in you. As for the “competent” part — I was going to say earlier that I’ll bet you’re very good at your job. I’ll bet when you miss a day of work your boss really feels it. You come across to me as thorough, conscientious, and very sharp.

Anyway, when you look back and think that none of the guys in your life ever thought you were “worth it”, why do you believe that is? I mean, if you could identify one or two qualities about yourself that you think are factors in this, what would they be?

I grew up in a house full of brothers and boy did I learn a lot from them while they dated in their teen years, twenties, and on into their thirties before settling down. One thing I learned is that as soon as a girl made one of my brothers the center of her universe, the relationship started to go south. I think that many, maybe even most guys want to be with a woman who has her own ambitions, goals, hopes and dreams that are totally independent of her relationship, someone who is genuinely happy and can have a great time even when he (her man) is not physically present, someone who is strong and who he admires. Once a girl started to adjust her own life plan, drop her hobbies and/or friendships, compromise her dreams in order to make herself more available and keep her man interested, it actually made him less interested. If your ex believes that he alone holds the key to your happiness, that he’s your only chance for it, it may be too much pressure for him to bear. There’s a very good chance that I’m way off on this, Shelby, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

You say that you are only recently open to the prospect of marriage and children? Why only recently?

B

Hi Shelby,

I think I understand how painful this breakup is for you. Each element associated with it is devastating for you and it’s difficult to accept them all at once. Maybe you can work on accepting each individually:

1. You miss the man. Did your earlier breakup occur for the same reasons as this one, and did the reconciliation happen because you had reached a point where simply being with this great guy was more important to you than moving the relationship forward? Have you reached that point again now? (I realize that may no longer be an option for you.)

2. Being single again at age 36. You see your girlfriends marrying in their twenties/thirties with babies arriving soon after that. Feels like everyone is coupled up, that you’ll never meet a good single guy because all the good ones are taken. Well, all the good ones are not taken. There are ALWAYS good single guys out there. No matter what age you are, there are guys looking for meaningful relationships with good women. Guys in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older (some are divorced) looking for the right girl. These days there’s no longer a stigma associated with delaying marriage or not marrying at all. People do it for so many reasons (career, personal convictions, etc.) As for the biological clock thing, many women today preserve their fertility by freezing their eggs. You can do that! Maybe explore that option and then relax about your age.

3. Being rejected by someone you love. This is really hard. People talk about others having “rejection issues” but don’t we all have them really? Who’s good at being rejected anyway? This is where it may be helpful to say “he’s choosing not to be with me” out loud and know you’ll be okay with whatever feelings that come up, like I described in the earlier post. Bottom line is we all need to find a way to get up, dust ourselves off, move forward, learn what we can from the situation and become the best versions of ourselves that we can be. It’s tough, I know. Every day, maybe several times a day, say “he’s choosing not to be with me” and feel it. Practice acceptance. You’ll be okay.

4. What other ways is this breakup affecting you?

B

Hi Shelby,

Which is more difficult for you to accept: being apart from this particular man, or being single again at age 34?

B

Hi Shelby,

For me, acceptance is about acknowledging the truth about what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it without judging either as good or bad. Sometimes it helps to actually say it out loud like “I’m sad because he’s chosen not to be with me” and then becoming aware of how your mind/body responds to that. Breathe, and focus on where in your body you feel the pain/tension not with the purpose of getting rid of it but to just feel it and understand that it won’t kill you, that it’s perfectly okay and normal to feel this way, that you are just fine.

B

Hi Amir,

I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

There are a couple things you shared that would make a marriage with her very difficult: 1. She loves her parents very much and would never go against them but they would never accept you because you are older and have kids. 2. She’s not sure she can handle being a stepmom.

Both are biggies. You are older and have children. You can’t change either one of these things. The daydreams you’re having about your future with her are only fantasies. When you find yourself obsessing over the situation continue to tell yourself that if she chooses you, in time she may blame you for hurting her relationship with her parents and for her stepmom role. As painful as it will be, my advice is to break off this relationship now and focus as best you can on the reasons it won’t work.

B

Hi John,

I’m glad you read some of Brav3’s posts. Did you read enough of them to witness his emotional transformation? When I read them I thought of you. Like you, Brav3 went through a devastating breakup that really shook him and he struggled for many months. During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

You say  The more I dig and look for help, the more I see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s).  It’s kind of depressing. Okay, but John there’s SO MUCH MORE than that to learn from Brav3’s posts. So much more.

Brav3 spells it all out for you in those threads he started. Through his research (Buddhist practices, etc.) he discovered a code a practice that can lead to happiness.

B