Hi Shelby,

I think I understand how painful this breakup is for you. Each element associated with it is devastating for you and it’s difficult to accept them all at once. Maybe you can work on accepting each individually:

1. You miss the man. Did your earlier breakup occur for the same reasons as this one, and did the reconciliation happen because you had reached a point where simply being with this great guy was more important to you than moving the relationship forward? Have you reached that point again now? (I realize that may no longer be an option for you.)

2. Being single again at age 36. You see your girlfriends marrying in their twenties/thirties with babies arriving soon after that. Feels like everyone is coupled up, that you’ll never meet a good single guy because all the good ones are taken. Well, all the good ones are not taken. There are ALWAYS good single guys out there. No matter what age you are, there are guys looking for meaningful relationships with good women. Guys in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older (some are divorced) looking for the right girl. These days there’s no longer a stigma associated with delaying marriage or not marrying at all. People do it for so many reasons (career, personal convictions, etc.) As for the biological clock thing, many women today preserve their fertility by freezing their eggs. You can do that! Maybe explore that option and then relax about your age.

3. Being rejected by someone you love. This is really hard. People talk about others having “rejection issues” but don’t we all have them really? Who’s good at being rejected anyway? This is where it may be helpful to say “he’s choosing not to be with me” out loud and know you’ll be okay with whatever feelings that come up, like I described in the earlier post. Bottom line is we all need to find a way to get up, dust ourselves off, move forward, learn what we can from the situation and become the best versions of ourselves that we can be. It’s tough, I know. Every day, maybe several times a day, say “he’s choosing not to be with me” and feel it. Practice acceptance. You’ll be okay.

4. What other ways is this breakup affecting you?

B

Hi Shelby,

Which is more difficult for you to accept: being apart from this particular man, or being single again at age 34?

B

Hi Shelby,

For me, acceptance is about acknowledging the truth about what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it without judging either as good or bad. Sometimes it helps to actually say it out loud like “I’m sad because he’s chosen not to be with me” and then becoming aware of how your mind/body responds to that. Breathe, and focus on where in your body you feel the pain/tension not with the purpose of getting rid of it but to just feel it and understand that it won’t kill you, that it’s perfectly okay and normal to feel this way, that you are just fine.

B

Hi Amir,

I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

There are a couple things you shared that would make a marriage with her very difficult: 1. She loves her parents very much and would never go against them but they would never accept you because you are older and have kids. 2. She’s not sure she can handle being a stepmom.

Both are biggies. You are older and have children. You can’t change either one of these things. The daydreams you’re having about your future with her are only fantasies. When you find yourself obsessing over the situation continue to tell yourself that if she chooses you, in time she may blame you for hurting her relationship with her parents and for her stepmom role. As painful as it will be, my advice is to break off this relationship now and focus as best you can on the reasons it won’t work.

B

Hi John,

I’m glad you read some of Brav3’s posts. Did you read enough of them to witness his emotional transformation? When I read them I thought of you. Like you, Brav3 went through a devastating breakup that really shook him and he struggled for many months. During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

You say  The more I dig and look for help, the more I see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s).  It’s kind of depressing. Okay, but John there’s SO MUCH MORE than that to learn from Brav3’s posts. So much more.

Brav3 spells it all out for you in those threads he started. Through his research (Buddhist practices, etc.) he discovered a code a practice that can lead to happiness.

B

John – To clarify, start with Brav3’s “first” post meaning his earliest which appears at the bottom of his list of posts. -B

You are very welcome, Shelby. The key, I think, is in realizing that you can be genuinely happy and at peace without this man or any other. I know it’s not a perfect situation and not ultimately what you want but it’s still possible. Once you realize this you’ll start to see that small crack of light at the end of the tunnel as William put it so perfectly. Look at it this way: if your ex called you today and said he wanted to give the relationship another try, your mindset would change for sure but you’d still have one gigantic problem: You’d have that dread that he would leave you again and that the floor would yet again drop out from under your feet putting you back at square one.  This by the way can happen at any time…before marriage, early in a marriage, after 30 years of marriage, and with any partner, not just your ex. Think about that. Anyone you are madly in love with can decide to pull the plug on your relationship at any time, so you need to know ahead that if it happens you’ll have all the tools you need to find happiness and peace again. This puts you, not another person, back in control of your own happiness.

To get there, there are certain aspects of your own life that you need to be content with. One is your home. Make it a place you love to be in. If it needs paint on the walls, paint them a color you’ll love to see every day. Keep it organized and orderly. I don’t mean an OCD level of order, I mean keep it clean, dusted, comfortable, simple and clutter-free. If you have old clothes that you never wear hanging in your closet, get rid of them. Next is your job. If it’s unbearable start looking for a new one, one that may motivate, challenge and inspire you more than your current. Next, surround yourself with people you really love to be around. And on to what William was saying, find that creative hobby that you’ll lose yourself in, one that brings you back to the present moment. Another idea is to get outdoors regularly to experience nature the way you did when you were a kid. These are all things that can make your life so much better with and without a romantic partner. If you are content with other aspects of your life, then when a romantic relationship ends you’ll still be content with these aspects of your life. It’s when everything sucks at the same time that it’s hard to see that crack of light at the end of the tunnel.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Realizing this is step one.

B 🙂