Hi John,

You say I do wish so bad that i could go back to that summer and re-live everything knowing what  i do know now though.  So bad…  it plagues me every day. But the thing is, John, you don’t know anything about why she did what she did. You think you have a pretty good idea, but you could be totally wrong. After thinking, thinking, and thinking some more, you’ve arrived at what you believe is probably the truth, but you may have it all wrong.

It sure would have been helpful if she had been completely forthcoming with you!

There are times in life when we have to accept that we’ll never know the truth about something. We’ll never be certain about what really happened. It’s called sitting with uncertainty and it’s about knowing that although we may never be able to make sense of something, we’ll be okay.

B

Hi John,

No need to be sorry. If typing out your thoughts and feelings helps you, continue to do it for sure. It’s funny how the brain tries to make sense of things, isn’t it? I mean, take the “I’m not feeling it” text. It sure would be nice to know exactly what she meant by that. Did she want to spend time with another guy? Was her house a mess and she needed some time to clean it up before you saw it? Or was she tired after a long work week and just wanted to crash on her sofa and watch a cooking show on TV? And what about the half-hour “mystery time”? Was she with someone else during that time? Or did she just take longer to get out of her house than she wanted to admit? Chances are you’ll never know the answers but your brain will continue to search for them. All of us go through this. It’s one of the reasons why I prefer to be around people who only tell me the truth because I don’t want to have to figure the truth out. It’s way too exhausting! That’s what happens once you start doubting someone’s honesty, isn’t it? You have to figure out the truth on your own. I don’t have this problem with my husband. He’s completely honest with me. And you don’t have this problem with your current girlfriend either, do you? But, looking back, you did have this problem with your  ex-gf. Sure would have been difficult having a happy long-term relationship with someone whose complete honesty with you was in question.

B

“…but it wasn’t as bad as I thought.” That’s a good sign! I hope you delete all calendar events and photos that remind you of your ex-gf. Those things are only slowing your healing. Keep moving forward, not back. If you’re truly serious about moving on, you’ll block her on FB and your cell phone if you haven’t already. (She blocked you, after all.) No contact with her, no photos to look at, no calendar reminders of her, no way for her to contact you, and before you know it she’ll be a vague and distant memory and you’ll have built a happy life without her.

B

Hi Ella,

You’re welcome. You’re going to need support from family, friends, church, wherever you can get it. Ask for help. You’ll get through this and there will be so many wonderful times ahead for you. Your kids will give you so much joy. And one day you’ll look back and realize just how strong a person you really are.

B

Hi Ella,

I really feel for you. I know how much work it is to raise young kids, especially newborns, to leave my job while they’re young and how that messed with my self-esteem, to move to a new area and have no friends, and to feel out of sorts while pregnant. What I don’t know is what it feels like while going through all of the above to find out that my husband is emotionally attached to another woman.  What does he have to say about what you found on his phone? Does he still deny having feelings for this other person?

B

Hi Marnie,

Holy cow! Honestly, if it were me, I’d rather the in-laws were overtly mean to me than this covert, passive-aggressive baloney they’re dishing out. I would not be around these people, if it were me. I would let my husband be around them all he wants, but I wouldn’t take that kind of b.s. from anyone. You were the only spouse left out of the obituary?? So you’re saying that the spouses of your husband’s siblings were listed but you weren’t?? That’s outrageous.

No, you are not crazy.

B

No need to be sorry, and I don’t think you’re back at square one. So I guess the lesson learned is to never clean out your desk again….just kidding. Regarding your question of how to look back on those memories and be happy…I don’t know. I mean, if it were me, I wouldn’t look back. I would accept that that time of my life is over. Each day I’d wake up and be grateful for all the good things in my life: my relationship, my kids, my home, my job, my friends. I’d believe that I’m a good person, and I’d try to do the right things.

B

Hi John,

Your own kids are with you 50% of the time, but your gf’s kids are with you 100% of the time. I understand your frustration.

As Wayne Dyer said, “Be miserable. Or Motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”

B