Hi Ella,

Of course he’s is desperate to get the marriage back on track. You’re the main provider. You bought and paid for the house. You have your act together. His standard of living is better when he’s with you. Being with you is a great deal for him; it’s a bad deal for you.

I say hang on to that job of yours. Let’s explore childcare options here. HoneyBlossom is right: the childcare challenge will last a few years and then it’s gone. I also like her suggestion of selling your home and moving closer to your support system, if possible. There are ways to make this work.

He actually told you that he got caught up in the attention he was getting from this other person, attention he wasn’t getting from you, a full-time attorney with a young child and pregnant with a second? What exactly is he expecting? I know what it’s like to juggle a stressful full-time job with a small child while pregnant with another. It’s called survival. What a bozo.

I certainly can see how you’ve lost respect for him. I have a lot of respect for you. You hang in there. You’re going to get through this.

B

Hi Marnie,

You are welcome. I’m still trying to process the part about you sitting quietly and being ignored at family dinners. Don’t let these people break your spirit. Just stay home.

Sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there.

B

Wow, you learned a lot from that relationship, and that’s a great thing.

Remember, just about everyone on the planet has had to recover from a broken heart. When we’re hurting we need to take extra good care of ourselves, do healthy things that make us feel better, like favorite hobbies or spending quality time with family/friends. Get things on your calendar that you’ll really look forward to….like a concert or nice dinner out. You need to get a babysitter for your gf’s kids for a few hours every now and then. A little more fun in your life will help you to heal and move on, in my humble opinion.

B

Hi John,

It’s difficult for a lot of couples when raising young kids to find quality alone time, especially when there’s little money for a babysitter, but it reads to me that there’s resentment on your part because the kids you’re raising full-time are your girlfriend’s, not your own who are with your ex-wife a lot of the time. Honestly, I can understand why you’d feel this way! To be a good parent, one needs to give up some aspects of his old “pre-parent” life. You learned this already when you and your ex-wife were still together and your own kids were babies, but after your divorce, having your kids 50% of the time meant that the other 50% of the time you were free to do whatever you wanted — date, travel, hobbies, etc. That seemed to work very well for you, but then you decided to move in with a girlfriend who has two young kids 100% of the time, and now you’re back to where you were, raising young kids full time only they’re your girlfriend’s kids, not your own. You’ve lost your free time, you and your girlfriend are fighting a lot, and you can’t stop thinking about an ex-girlfriend.

If it were me I’d get my own place now.

Now about those “mud balls” that hit you when you’re driving to work, first I’ll say don’t listen to music while you’re driving! Music makes you think of your ex-gf. Just pay attention to what you’re doing — driving. Notice things along your drive that you haven’t noticed in a long time (or ever) because you’ve been so wrapped up in your thoughts. Just try it. When the thoughts start to approach, recognize them as only thoughts, don’t let them pull you in, just catch them before they hit you and let them go, then continue on your drive, noticing things along the way. See if you can do this for one minute — one minute! Can you do this for one minute?

B

Hi Banana,

The people I admire most are those like you who make mistakes but then get back in the game, try to improve each day, keep fighting the good fight. I hope you can let go of the guilt. It’s already served its purpose and is of no use to you anymore.

B

Sorry, I messed up on your age. Just now looked back at your thread and I see you are 45, not over 50.

So what happened this morning while you were writing your last post? You started thinking about the lyrics of the song Faithfully and your mind went “into overload” thinking that someday you and your ex will be together again, and before you knew it you were crying. A thought popped into you head and you very quickly identified with it, got pulled in, and became sad. What if as soon as the thought popped into your head you had stopped and told yourself that if this random thought is not fueled by your attention and interest, it will simply disappear? The silly thought isn’t real! It only feels real when you bring attention to it. If you don’t engage with the thought, it won’t exist anymore. Recognize that these thoughts are just random mud balls being launched at you, nothing more. Try to visualize that, if you can. Just gently catch the random mud balls before they hit you, and then throw them away.

You can do this.

B

Hey John,

I was just now driving in my car thinking of a better way to explain to you how to let your thoughts go before getting pulled in by them.

Think of your thoughts as water balloons being thrown at you. Wait, no, make it mud, balloons filled with mud. You have no control over it; they are being thrown at you one at a time. Once one hits you, your clothes get muddy and wet and you have to spend the rest of the day in heavy, muddy, uncomfortable clothes, at work, when you’re with your kids, girlfriend, when you’re at the grocery store, when your all alone, all because a mud balloon hit you. So instead of letting these balloons hit you, what if you gently caught each before it could hit you and then threw it into a trash can, one by one? At first it’s difficult to catch them, but over time you get very, very skilled at gently catching a mud balloon and throwing it into a trash can before it can hit you. Your clothes stay dry and you remain comfortable wherever you go. And what’s great is that over time you find that fewer and fewer of these mud balloons are coming at you because their source isn’t having any success at hitting you anymore.

Early tomorrow morning when you see a bright full moon and think of your ex, catch the mud balloon before it can hit you and throw it in the trash can! It’s going to be a good day!

B